• Published 24th Apr 2013
  • 2,290 Views, 39 Comments

retirement in equestria - bigheart675



The mercenaries of TF2 retire in Equestria after they finish their 6 years of fighting. Will they learn to live in peace or will their antics cause disrupt the happiness of equstria?

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The Rise of the Pan

“Um hello,? Is anypony in there. I just want to talk to you.” The solar princess asked

Heavy opened his mouth to answer but was quickly silenced by Pyro.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to let these ponies in till we know we can trust them Heavy.”

Dell told his Russian comrade. “Let’s find out who they are first. Y’all still waitin’ out there for us?”

‘Yes we are, if you could just let us in…”

“I’m afraid we’ll have to know who you two are first, can’t have anybody walkin’ in here.”

“Oh I’m Princess Celestia and I’m with my sister Princess Luna. We just want to meet you and make sure that you won’t hurt our little ponies.”

“Well should we trust them?” Dell whispered to his teammates

“Vell seeing as zey are the rulers of this land zat ve should meet with them.” Medic responded

Medic opened the door and the two princesses entered. They were surprised at the size of the humans but sat down in the seats provided for them by Pyro. Soldier began to eye the princesses with disgust. Sniper smirked as he watched the two princesses try to awkwardly sit down. Heavy approached the princesses first, being more comfortable around the ponies than the rest of his team.

“Can Heavy get pretty princesses anything?” He asked with a smile

“Um I’d like some water if you have any. Luna would you like anything?” The lunar princess was admiring a large poster on the wall. It featured all 9 mercenaries dressed in red standing with a strange circle in the background. Celestia’s voice broke Luna out of her stare.

“Yes, I’d like some wine if you have any.”

“Ah, Heavy will be right back. Spy! Where is your wine?”

“Um...are you sure ve should give zese poines wine Heavy?”

“Da they are guests and we must make them happy.”

“Vell I don’t want to give my wine to zem!”

“Spy will give wine or else!”Heavy cracked his knuckles and stared menacingly at spy

“Fine then but you find it yourself!

“Ok then while heavy is getting our drinks could you introduce yourselves.

A long silence filled the room as none of the mercenaries wanted to speak to the Princesses. After a long while Spy was bullied by Soldier into telling the Princesses their names.

“ I am ze Spy this is Medic, Tavish Degroot or Demoman, Pyro, Sniper, Scout, Dell Cohnger or Engineer and Soldier who is a little crazy.”

“I heard that you French bastard! Do you want a shovel shoved up your ass?”

“No but you could slap it if you’d like.”

“Wait what?”

“You heard me. Slap my ass.” The entire team laughed at Spy’s antics except for Soldier who sat mumbling about crazy French people.

“I don’t understand what just happened. Why did you want Soldier to… um “slap your ass?” Luna asked as Heavy returned with two glasses. He sat down and received a sour look from Spy.

“It was a long running joke I made back when we were divided into BLU and RED. It kept everyone in good spirits and helped us deal with ze depression zat could happen.”

“Ok then do you mind if we ask you some questions about that time.”

“Ve vill tell you vhat ve vhat to.” Medic scowled at the thought of revealing the only thing that tied them to normality.

“That’s ok Luna do you want to ask the first question?”

“Sure, about how long ago did this fighting start?”

“The start of the RED-BLU war was in 1850. Our part started 7 years ago when we were hired by both companies. Those idiots would’ve fought forever if Grey hadn’t stepped in; sometimes I wish we could’ve thanked him.” Dell sighed

“How long do you plan on living here?”

“Till we die, we came here to retire and that’s what we’ll damn well do. Got a problem with that?” Soldier threatened

“No, not if you won’t hurt our little ponies. Who in town have you met so far?”

“Well we Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and your special student Twilight.” Spy sneered as he finished the last one.

“Oh, you haven’t been introduced to the town yet. When we’re done here I’ll arrange a meeting for you.”

“Well that’s mighty kind of ya Princess, but we want as little to do with this town as possible.” Dell sat fiddling with a sentry head

“Engie we really should meet this town. I think it would be a wonderful idea.” Pyro smiled as it tried to persuade its closest friend

“We won’t visit this town Pyro, in fact if any one of these ponies comes up to our door i’ll throttle em’!” Soldier shouted picking up his shovel and standing to challenge Pyro

“Well then i’ll just turn on some music than.” Pyro got up and walked over to its cd player

“I’m afraid I don’t understand what's going on?” Celestia asked and then looked at her sister, who was now staring striat at Pyro.

“Don’t worry is Pyro winning argument” Heavy smiled

Pyro pressed the play button on the and light guitar stared to play over the speakers. Pyro whistled along to guitar as it picked up it flamethrower. Pyro turned to face Soldier as the lyrics to the song began

“ Do you believe in magic in a young girl’s heart how the music can free her whenever it starts…”

Soldier eyes grew wide as he remembered what the RED Pyro had done to him. He was terrified that Pyro might lose control again.

“Fine you win we’ll meet the town” He grumbled lowering his shovel and sitting back down.

“Last question, What jobs do you think you could do?”

“Vell I vas a skilled doctor till I lost my medical license, trust me zat’s a fun story” Medic smile creeped the two princesses out

“I could be a mailman, I’m kinda fast and not too messy.” Scout replied

“I could be an engineer of some kind. I’m good with tools and mechanics.”

“I can’t really think a anythin’ that I could do lasses. I work with explosives but that’s all.”

“Heavy is professor of Russian literature and can read books well.”

“Well uh I had a job but I really don’t want to talk about it. It brings back memories of the fire.”

“I’ll find a job on my own! I don’t need your help!” Soldier left the room and headed upstairs to his room.

“I’m great with animals and I’m good at tracking them for long distances.”

“I’m an assassin. I doubt I’ll find a job here that suits my skills effectively.”

“Ok then we’ll be leaving to arrange the meeting. A guards pony will come get you when its time.”

The two princesses left the base discussing whether or not to trust the strange creatures.

The mercenaries sat discussing their next plan of action. The suggestion of a full out assault was proposed by soldier but not accepted. Eventually the Team decided to head out in search of more food and possibly hats. They all drew straws and the Demo, Soldier, and Spy were chosen to go get supplies.

“Ok let’s split up. Everyone pick a direction and follow it. If you find a food vender try to get some food. Use metal or dollars or negotiate. If you find hats offer a trade. Let’s move out!” Soldier yelled raising his shovel into the air and running off

Soldier ran down an alleyway before coming into a small farmers market. Many vendors began to eye him as he looked around the market place. He approached the nearest vendor and pulled the list of food that they had deemed necessary for a week. “Got any of that cupcake?”

The sales pony who just so happened to be named Velvet Cupcake looked at the list in shock.
“You really need 1000 tomatoes?! Are you feeding an army?” He yelled

“A former army but yes we do. So what's your price?”

“Well 5 tomatoes is 1 bit so thats 250 bits.”

“Damn it! Here take 2 scrap and we’ll call it even deal?”

“Uh... i don’t know what these...”

“Just shut up and take it!”Soldier yelled as he took the tomatoes

“Ok... then come back any time”

Soldier than ran off towards the school house. He stopped in a large market square and began to observe the different vendors when he heard a familiar voice.

“There ya are! What makes ya’ think you can do that to our barn and get away with it?”

Soldier turned around to see Applejack and Macintosh standing behind him.

“I don’t care about your stupid barn! Now if you know who sells apples here tell me!”

“We sell apples idiot! Why do you think that ma’ names Applejack!” Applejack’s face was as red as here big brothers coat.

“Well then sell me some apples than! I need about 500.”

Applejack went over to here cart in the market square and got 10 barrels full of apples of all colors. She rolled the barrels over to soldier who was busy buying some bread. The lead barrel hit soldier causing him to get knocked to his feet and fall over. He hit his head on the side of rim and fell unconscious.

On the other side of town spy was having a terrible time

“I already told you my name and where I came from, leave me alone you annoying tiny horses”

Spy ran through the market being chased by the Cutie Mark Crusaders who asked so many questions Spy considered killing them.

“We gotta find out more about you.” Sweetie Belle whined

“I think not. Leave me alone or I’ll gut you like a Cornish game hen”

“What’s a game hen?” Scootaloo asked

They didn’t receive and answer because spy cloaked and ran through the town square back to their base. He had already stolen all that he could fit in his Mann Co. issue backpack and felt satisfied in robbing half the vendors in Ponyvile

Nearby Tavish was outside Carousel Boutique. He looked up at the mannequins, surprised that the ponies had some form of clothes. He decided to knock and was greeted by Rarity.

“Tavish, what a surprise come in and make yourself comfortable.”

“Thank ya’ lass, I’m looking for some hats. Do you happen to have any?”

“Why yes of course this is Carousel Boutique after all home of fashion!” a small glitter explosion went off as Rarity gestured to a row of mannequins wearing hats. “So what do you think?”

“It’s an oasis o’ hats in this hatless town.”

Many Hats adorned the head of mannequins scattered around the store. Some wore stove pipe hats with feathers in them. Others had sun hats that looked like someone vomited glitter on them.

“Yes not many ponies seem interested in fashion. I hope to organize my own fashion show if your friends would be willing to help.”

“I’m sure they would Rarity. Have you got any hats that are a wee less frilly?”

“I have one, I call it the sparkling shako what do you think? Tavish...are you alright?”
T
he Mannequin before him had a blue velvet shako with several sapphires dotted around the brim. A line of black onyx made the straps that held the crest in place. The crest itself was a large red ruby cut into the shape sun. The shako awoke an odd feeling inside Tavish, something he thought he had sealed away into the recesses of his mind.
Demoman stood staring and the jewel encrusted shako that lay before him. He tried to fight the transformation but could not. With his sanity waning he turned to Rarity and yelled “Get the hell... out of... here lass before... it’s too late.”

“Before what's to late Tavish?... Answer me!”

“Leave... now...lass...”

Demoman let out a piercing scream as Rarity ran out the door and headed to get Twilight. Back in the Boutique the shako was lifted off its mannequin. Tavish stood upright before looking at the mannequin “Demopan?”

Author's Note:

I had editor problems with this chapter. It's fixed and a should be able to get back into writing soon. Sorry for the big wait i'll try to be more consistent with my posting in the future.