• Member Since 21st Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 8th, 2016

ladyarcana


You really want to know the cray cray? Beware, my brain will turn on a dime and leave you blind. I've seen the dark side and they have cookies... Then again, Angels have marshmallows.

T
Source

*Under Construction*
I AM changing the previous chapters instead of doing a full Revoke. I have read others work and feel that I can make it better.
Princess Twilight Sparkle has been tasked with exploring the ruins deep in the Everfree Forest. What she didn't realize, is that there is more to those woods than just scary trees, timber wolves and unpredictable weather. The woods are also the home of a long forgotten race.

Who are they? Why do they live there? And what does it have to do with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?

History hints at their existences, foal stories talk about their magical ways, yet that is all: just stories.
What are they really? Do they even still exist? And what is their connection to Celestia and Luna?

It turns out: There is a Queen of the flutter ponies. She has been secretly hiding in Equestria for well over 2000 years. She is kind, benevolent, wise and imortal, just like Celestia and Luna. So why is she incredibly bitter?
She rules in shadows, in a land without rules.

On the eve of her cornation, Princess Twilight Sparkle will seek answers to unknown mysteries, along with finding a new home. Will she find what hides and bring it into a new age, or will the past remain hidden in the depths of the Everfree.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 40 )

My Little Pony is owned by Hasbro not Mattel; Flutter Ponies included :derpytongue2:

2468137
This.
My little pony has always been owned by Hasbro.

Ponies are way too articulated to be a product from Mattel after all.:trollestia:

I just love how you nailed a middle ground between the current generation and the old G1 while keeping everyone faultlessly on character.

Just a couple of things though.

Princess Celestia's encounter with Rainbow was kinda strange.
I always recall her being surrounded by a group of guards, although just by protocol and she flying on her own over Ponyville sounds odd. Like it was an important part of the plot but you didn't planned it enough on hindsight.
And you may want to double check some parts, like the prologue where you state that My Little Pony belongs to Mattel, some grammar errors here and there and the *action* tags who give a very unprofesional look to the text.
I'm sure you can replace those tags with proper narrative.

Oh, and keep writing.
Someone who is willing to capture the poniness of my little pony is just what we need in this fandom.:twilightsmile:

I don't mean to be "That guy" but...

Zecora and Fluttershy.

another alternative name for the dad is Night Light (Nite Lite?)

2547044Huh? I don't understand what you mean. There are no filly foalers here, but if you find a romance pairing like that let me know. :yay:

Who's Archimedes? Did you mean Owlycious?

2547070
He means how you write Zecora and Fluttershy as Zocora and Flutter Shy.

2564210 Eh! Potato, Poe-ta-toe. Not sure I'll dive in and fix that. The owl name was important but a minor spelling error like that? I have disylexia, lets call it that.
(An really I do, I was diagnosed as a kid. I just keep thinking "Cher" and "Einstien")

I will break up my posting into three parts, one for each chapter posted so far.

For starters, there is really no need for the part that is not in italics. That sort of thing is better off being put in an author's note or simply not being posted at all.

Secondly, I'm not quite sure you have Twilight's unique voice down quite right. This Twilight seems just the slightest bit...off. Why is she explaining every minutia of her life to her diary? She wouldn't mention "several previous entries" like she was a third-person narrator.

Also, you use terms such as "coroneted" and "In point of fact" when the correct usage would be "crowned" or "in fact" respectively.

And at the end, the whole "May the magic of friendship always guide every and protect every pony everywhere" doesn't really seem like Twilight Sparkle's way of signing off from her diary. I would imagine that she'd keep a diary or journal in a very scientific manner -- all the better to study from later.

Let's begin again, shall we?

There is no need for such action tags as *cough*. All you need to write is "Rarity coughed." and be done with it.

Also, you didn't need to capitalize "can" and "not" in the second paragraph. Simply underline them or italicize them. Speaking of the second paragraph, you should probably separate it out so that it reads:

“The beauty of the day will only match the graciousness of your reign, and I simply must start work on designing your new wardrobe! One truly worthy of newly crowned princess. It simply can not be put off for a moment long-“ Rarity trailed off as she realized that not only was Twilight already away but had a mountain of books haphazardly piled beside table already overloaded with scrolls covered in an inch of dust.

Rarity coughed violently.

“My dear Twilight what are you doing? After last night’s party I was expecting a sleepy head desperately in need of her morning tea.” She cried out in despair.

There's a couple more places like this in your story, but I'll leave it up to you to decide whether or not it's unnecessary.

Fluttershy is one word, not two.

You misspelled "Zecora" several times.

Also, this:

Rainbow Dash anticipated this when she saw her old friend from Cloudsdale arrive, and quickly moved behind the timid pony to push her inside. Before slamming the door closed with a single hoof.

This sentence needs someone to slam the door.

Perhaps you should connect it like this:

Rainbow Dash anticipated this when she saw her old friend from Cloudsdale arrive and quickly moved behind the timid pony to push her inside before slamming the door closed with a single hoof.

As well as trying to find more information about the Queen of flutters.

This is another incomplete sentence. This would be fine (perhaps) if this were a first-person fanfiction, but it's not.

If you could find the time, please try and remember who or what that is, I’d be very grateful. I know you both have a lot to do, so anything you can remember would be of tremendous help.

By repeating your use of the word "remember", you sound redundant.

How about this?

If you could find the time, please try and remember who or what that is, I’d be very grateful. I know you both have a lot to do, so anything you can think of would be of tremendous help.

Again, you run into the same problem of not separating out lines of dialogue and reactions into separate paragraphs.

Here's a good example:

Half asleep, Spike waved his arms sleepily over his head. “Ahh no more cake, I’ve had- wha- what? Oh,” disappointment flashed across his face, “Twilight it’s just you. Can I go back to sleep now?” Then he pulled a blanket over his head; in order to stop the noon sun from further waking him.

It should read something like this:

Half asleep, Spike waved his arms sleepily over his head.

“Ahh no more cake, I’ve had- wha- what? Oh."

Disappointment flashed across his face.

“Twilight, it’s just you. Can I go back to sleep now?”

He then pulled a blanket over his head.

I removed the "in order to stop the noon sun from further waking him." bit because of two reasons.

1. It was poorly punctuated.

2. This is something your reader can infer. If there is nothing that you learn from me besides this, let your reader infer as much as possible. They're smart enough to figure it out on their own.

Dear, Princess Twilight Sparkle

This contains incorrect comma placement. It should read:

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I think it's awesome Twilight's restoring the palace of the two sisters. Does the old castle have any connections to ancient Ponyland, I wonder?

The flutter ponies built the palace of the two sisters? Cool! :pinkiehappy: But does this mean Rosedust is still alive?

Rosedust as the Alicorn sisters mentor is a great idea! :pinkiehappy: And I think the mom's name was supposed to be Star Sparkle. I thought it was very realistic to have her and her husband be overprotective of Twilight- even though she's a princess, she's still thier little girl.

And I still love what you're doing with the palace of the two sisters, especially since I had it rebuilt into something else in the modern day! :rainbowlaugh:

2591589 Maybe you should ask Ladyarcana to be her editor/proofreader, then you don't haveto put everything in the comments. I do appreciate that you give yiur suggestions for improvement though.

I just wish someone would do that for me... (not suggestive whatsoever) :p

Anyway, I must say I like the idea if the story very much, keep it up author. /)

2606292
On TV. It's really a play that starts with the story of Jack and the Bean Stalk, quickly going into the story of Rapunzel. The Wicked Witch is the main part. The Princes are vapid idots, and Cinderella ends up with...
Any way check out Vanessa Williams list of theater plays, you'll see it listed there. But it might be classified as a musical.

Another awesome chapter! I like how you kept Twilight living in ponyville, even after she became a princess.

Nice chapter, though I do think it's a bit sad to see Rosedust acting like a 'crazy old lady' yelling 'get off my lawn, but it's understandable with the passage of time, and what it's done to the world she knew.

2758257 Actually it's becasue she is no longer an apprentice. Remember this takes place just after her coronation, and Celestia removed her "apprentice" status just before Twilight get's her "princess" tittle officially, and remeber, it is both princesses who have bequeathed the ruins to Princess Twilight Sparkle.
The real question is how will Twilight figure out who the new mare is and rebuild the palace at the same time.

Hmm interesting point. I have noticed that the connotation of Queen is often evil...though no one ever has a problem with Queen Rose Dust in G1. Anyway...on to read this story!!:raritywink:

You certainly showed you have a better handle on the main 6 than I did. I was in such a rush for mine I forgot about those little things in their mannerisms. I like the direction this fic is going in/:twilightsmile:

I like that her parents are actually featured. I thought her father's name was Night Light. I'll have to go back and check. I could be wrong.

Interesting. Is it just me or is Spike sleeping a lot in this fic? On another matter, the portrait is now a source of confusion. Fluttershy says it looks like the same pony though with different wings. I makes me wonder if you're suggesting it IS the same pony with a modified look or perhaps a descendant or misinterpretation on the part of the artist.

Ooookay, so, finished this chapter. I like how you do Zecora's speaking pattern. It's a tad too irregular for my personal taste, but that's nitpicking. It still falls into what would be canon for her. I like that Rosedust still holds that air of authority. She was a very strict and motherly figure and seemed to genuinely care about her subject, as shown by her protection of them and her happiness at seeing Morning Glory's return.

Will the fact that water is a weakness be brought into the story? Remember in G1, Morning Glory couldn't help herself because Flutter Pony wings can't work if they are wet.

All in all, not a bad story. I'm curious where it'll go from here.

2778357You're the first person who caught that. :pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:
Yes I am going to pull that lose thread back and tie it into the ending. I just couldn't help myself. Fluttershy is going to have a hidden past connection. Pulling on Celestia's goddess-like powers.

Why did Twi end the letter with "Bearer of the Element of Magic?" It makes her seem not very humble, flaunting around that title.

Anyway before I entered my old chambers in Canterlot Castel, Princess Luna (formerly Nightmare Moon) gave me my first official duty as Princess.

Castle

I like how you add that it wasn't just Spike that was worried about Twilight Castle being in the everfree forest

I got to say i really loved the little story about the flutters'. I like how to make Twilight trying to a avoid her new role as princess.

Nice work on the rewrite here hoping for the future chapters.

6634155 Thank you, I did it because I didn't like how flat Rosedust was and no matter what I tried I couldn't get the rest of the mane 6 to do what I wanted. Keep an eye out for Spike....LOL

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