• Member Since 30th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen 28 minutes ago

Dawn Flower


Have you ever heard about the theory about how subatomic particles can pop into existence at random? Well, replace subatomic particles with updates and you have my writing style in a nutshell.

T

After Twilight Sparkle became an Alicorn Princess everything was going to be just fine; and for a time, everything was: Equestria began expanding at an alarming rate, with amazing breakthroughs in technology and lower crime rates everywhere. However, things never stay perfect forever. Little by little, Equestria's rule has become more and more dictatorial, with violence in the streets and ponies mysteriously disappearing for speaking out against Princess Celestia; and Twilight Sparkle is at the centre of it. A stallion named Shining Armor is able to see the truth beneath the layers of deception. He heads to the city of Canterlot to rescue his sister and get her away from all of it. He knows that his sister is in trouble and he will be saving her from a terrible fate, but throughout his adventure, he will uncover a horrifying series of events and a plot that threatens all of Equestria.

Chapters (4)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 9 )

Well, would you look at that. One dislike already. :ajbemused: Those first views seem to have the most critics. I for one, like the way your story is heading. Hell, I like the way yours started off more than my Bioshock crossover. I tapped that fave button to be posted on updates but not the like button. I feel that it is too early to be hitting like as well as dislike. Don't let that red bar get to you though. There's still a little more to go before I'd worry about like/dislike ratio. Also, you should consider adding this story to the Bioshock: Equestria group. It helped me with viewers. I'm sure it'll do marvelously for you as well. Keep it up. :pinkiehappy:

Edit: I just realized I could have just hit follow. Oh, whatever. Free fave.

2567599
The dislike trolls run high on FF.net
My recent oneshot has more downratings than views. Would you believe it? :pinkiegasp:

The recording crystals=genius. Why did I never think of that? Descriptions and background are some of the toughest parts of a story(depending on what it is, of course) and you solved it so simply. And they look like a bit of fun to write as well. :D

Nice story, but I find the lack of a Lutece equivalent disturbing. As far as I see it's Time Turner (Or dr. Hoves as I call him) but I don't think he's involved enough. Just some friendly advice :twilightsmile:. Anyways, I'll be anticipating the next chapter.

Have a moustache. :moustache:

2695104 Don't worry. Time Turner is involved in this more than you know. Just you wait. Besides, after the Letuces gave Elizabeth her necklace, they didn't appear again until they found Chen Lin. It may be awhile before he appears again but he still has plenty of recording crystals to come. I already have them made, I just have to find a place to put them.

When I was reading this, this...this isn't just Bioshock...it's The Purge of Equestria :twilightoops: So dangerous it scares me. Good story though :derpytongue2:

MORTAL. YOUR STORY INTERESTS ME, WE SHALL CONTINUE TO READ IT. WE HAVE OUR OWN BIOSHOCK STORY TOO.~SLENDY

Umm, well yes i like the story if u don't mind that hehe. Though u don't have to look at our story, slendy justs likes seeing people read our story so u don't have to read it~shyZilla

Alright, after reading all four chapters I've got some things to say. The first thing is that the premise is this crossover is so perfectly set up. I really like what you have done to Canterlot, making it the center of high class ponies and royalty wrapped in a thick barrier that protects them from outside danger. While also making sure the ponies living inside the barrier is either oblivious or ignorant of the world outside their precious bubble.

As for the main characters, I love that you made it quite simple, having Shining Armor in the role of Booker Dewitt and Twilight Sparkle in the role of Elizabeth but with a much more simple reasoning. In Bioshock Infinite, the relationship between Booker and Elizabeth seemed relative simple at first but became much more complex later on in the game. Here, there is no need to over-complicate it. It's simple Shining Armor infiltrating Canterlot to rescue his little sister because he knows she is being used without her knowing or having a say in it, and that reason alone should just be enough.

Things that does need a bit more thought put into is two things for my part, first being the pacing. I really think you need to slow down a bit when your carrying your characters from one place to the next. Of course, that doesn't mean I want you to slow it down to a snail's pace but not the roll coaster your previously three chapters where. And that leads me to my second point; character development and interaction. Simple put, in a story such as Bioshock Infinite and previous games, the thing that makes them interesting is NPC's interaction and reaction to one another, the main character and the events that unfold between them. That's why you have the recorded messages scattered around the place in both Rapture and Colombia, they are there to give the player and insight on what makes the cities tick, sort of like a piece of a giant puzzle.

And that is one thing I'm missing from this story as of now, a bit more interaction between Shining and Twilight based on their reactions to what unfolds and the complete lack of reaction after picking up and listening to a recorded crystal gem. In the games, it made sense since it wasn't meant for the main characters as much as it was meant for the players themselves. But in this story, it feels completely out of place to have Shining Armor pick up a recorded gem and not give any sort of insight on what he thinks of it, same thing with Twilight.

Anyway, that is all I can think of as of now and I will patiently wait to the see the next chapter in my inbox. Have a nice day!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!