• Published 22nd Apr 2013
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The Tale of Lord Barleycorn - Blue Cultist



The Harvest Family farm is on the brink of financial collapse. Can this 'Lord Barleycorn' really deliver on all his promises?

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43. Some deity you are.

The Tale of Lord Barleycorn
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Chapter 43: Some deity you are.
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Over the course of this Halloween scheme, Jack had taken the opportunity to peek inside each building that constituted Hollow Shade's business center. Within each building he had seen several repeating commonalities; age and dilapidation being chief among them. However, despite the wooden buildings needing structural improvements of varying degree, Jack could not deny that the ponies of Hollow Shades kept their businesses clean, or as clean as circumstances allowed.

Each establishment possessed a certain mustiness that came with buildings of this level of maturity. Jack was impressed that although lacking hands the ponies of Hollow Shades swept, mopped and washed regularly. Some even combating the odor of aging wood and decaying leaves with clippings of cedar trees straight from the forest. A simple solution that worked well enough and he wondered what the ponies might do when they were raised out of destitution.

The only exclusions to this cleanliness were buildings that were abandoned, and the line of shops still had several that were standing devoid of use. The mayor had put some of the layabouts at the local bar to work cleaning and repairing some for use as makeshift lodging for visiting tourists from Ponyville.

The ponies clearly cared for the places they worked and lived. Jack found that incredibly worthy of respect.

The doctor's clinic was another matter.

He had entered the clinic quietly, receiving no welcome, he began to look around at the stark waiting area.

The human had overheard several of the local ponies mention that the building had once been a grocery store before being repurposed as the town's sole medical facility. In his opinion, it still looked like one.

The long, narrow building had been denuded of the aisles and shelves that would have served its previous tenants. Only a few surviving pieces of old metal shelving remained, used as cheap artificial walls. These were meant for ponies and were almost short enough for Jack to comfortably peer over.

Above, he saw that the interior lacked a proper ceiling. Rafters left bare for the eye to see. Knowing that the doctor was a pegasus, and that many lived in the town, it seemed a trivial thing for any of the ponies to clean high to reach places. However, Jack could see dust-coated wisping threads of old cobwebs dangling from the latticework of wooden planks that were holding up the roof. If the sun hadn't been out he might not have noticed, but that was only the start of his displeasure.

A closer look at the shelves forming the improvised walls revealed a layer of dust so thick it resembled carpeting. On a whim, Jack knelt down so he could see what would have been eye-level for the magic equines. He shook his head as he saw that someone had made an attempt to clean, but only wiped away the dust that could be seen from this angle. It was only because Jack was nearly twice as tall as them that the full scope of this calculated laziness was made so obvious.

"Nothing in here is sterile." Jack thought, casting his eyes up to the rafters, "And if it's bad down here, I shudder to think what’s up there."

Disappointing as it was to find the doctor's work ethic was on par with his people skills, Jack doubted that patronizing the doctor would be an effective conversation starter. In fact, it would likely give him an opportunity to learn just how much damage those little hooves could do. While having been clever so far, Jack doubted he could explain away why the King of Autumn suddenly needed to wear a cast for the next six weeks.

Even the most die-hard believer in his persona would start questioning things if that happened.

All the more reason to tread lightly.

He'd have to overlook the poor housekeeping in the clinic... for now.

Rising up on his heels, Jack peered over the shelves.

From where he stood, Jack could see the entirety of the long, cavernous building. In the center was a line of what looked like old army cots, although they were short and long enough for pony use. Several were clearly damaged, but all of the cots looked like they had been thoroughly cleaned recently. Sitting near the back was an old iron wood stove that was just as old as the cots. Beside the stove were a few cords of firewood with a bucket full of ashes.

A few cabinets and shelves lined the wall, with several boxes looking to be what served as the doctor’s dining table. A few pieces of medical equipment sat there; typical sights of stethoscopes, jars of tongue depressors, cotton balls, band-aids, first aid kits. Nothing unusual as far as a clinic would go. Jack however felt a little disappointed that the magical ponies didn’t equip their physicians with something more fantastical than this.

Finally, squatting at the back of the clinic was a messy, battered wooden office desk. The doctor was seated behind it, staring intently at a large open textbook which he was ardently flipping through. As Jack watched him, he noted the desk curiously wobbled a little with each page the doctor turned.

While the doctor continued to flick through his book, something on his desk caught Jack's eye.

Since coming to Equestria, he had thought the ponies were strange. They had waterwheels and candles and talked about writing on parchment. The human had come to believe that their technology was somewhere around the middle ages, and yet, there, sitting on the corner of the doctor’s desk was a small desk lamp.

There was no burning oil or wick, just a lightbulb. It looked exactly like the kind he’d seen a million times back on Earth. Jack wondered if it was some magic lamp or if the ponies actually did understand electricity and Hollow Shades was just some podunk town that was simply behind the times.

He shook his head as he waved this unproductive train of thought away. He hadn't come in here to gawk at office furniture, he’s come here to learn what was ailing Corn Crib.

The doctor’s attention was still on his textbook, meaning that Jack’s presence was still unnoticed.

Sinking back down on his heels, Jack took a moment to collect himself. Cherry had been anything but subtle in showing his disdain for Jack in the past. However, there were the events of his last big performance to consider; when the spirits made their presence known to the townsponies. That would likely give him some leverage when it came to getting the doctor to talk. If the sorry state of his clinic was any indication of how Cherry ran his clinic then perhaps doctor-patient confidentiality was a mere suggestion in his eyes.

"It’s all for the kid…" Jack reminded himself as he pulled himself up to his full height, and despite the obscuring nature of the mask, he put on a smile.

The walk toward Cherry’s desk was a short one, and Jack’s boots broke the silence of the clinic like fragile glass. Cherry’s eyes were on him the moment he stepped beyond the shelves, but rather than say anything the doctor redoubled his perusal of the thick book in front of him.

Cherry’s ears pinned back when Jack finally stood in front of his desk, visibly perturbed by the human’s presence.

"I don’t treat magical whatevers." Said Cherry with all the gentle warmth of a hammer strike, "So if you have a scratch or a cold please go jump in the river."

"That won’t be necessary, I haven’t been sick in almost a thousand years." Jack replied innocently, "I trust you’ve been in good health as well?"

Cherry kept his attention on the textbook, "If you’re not here for medical care, then kindly buzz off."

It wasn’t the friendliest way to start things off, but Jack was undeterred. "There’s no need for that. Can’t a friend stop by for a visit?"

"You’re no friend of mine." Cherry stated with increased irritation, "So if you’re not walking back out of here when I look up I’ll have you reported for loitering. "

Jack rolled his eyes, "Like sticking my hand in a hornet’s nest."

"No need for that, doctor." Jack said, "I hadn’t the luxury of seeing your… smiling face the other night and I wished to hear your opinion of the festival so far."

Having had previous experience with the doctor, however brief it might have been, Jack had anticipated the doctor’s mood to have changed little. It had been a full day since the spirits had revealed themselves, long enough for Cherry to move beyond the initial shock of seeing them.

While locals had been even more reverent in reviving the old superstitions, outsiders would probably have begun the process of trying to rationalize what they had seen. It seemed comical to Jack, that magical ponies would need to explain the sight of ghosts, but apparently that was something quite out of the ordinary for them.

He fully expected the doctor to be putting up some sort of front, an embarrassing form of bravado which he could press and maybe shatter. It’d be easy to get information out of a pony who thinks you can curse your entire family line.

Such confidence was sadly misplaced as Cherry at last lifted his head, showing nothing but cold, iron-hard resolve in his eyes.

"My opinion?" Cherry said with a sneer so deep it looked like a rocky trench, "My opinion is that you’ve gathered a fine crop of idiots. I can’t believe they were taken in by a simple light show."

Jack was so taken aback all he could do was repeat Cherry’s words, "A simple light show?"

"You heard me," said Cherry, "Unlike the rest of this ridiculous town, I’m not a slack-jawed idiot who’ll fawn over you because you play a fiddle and dance around like a fool. There’s no such thing as ghosts, you’re just some… thing dressed like a scarecrow."

Jack blinked, needing a moment to process what he had heard. He had expected Cherry to be having a hard time coming to grips with what he had seen, perhaps trying to hide his uncertainty behind a facade of aggression. Yet, here was a bald assertion that all that the doctor had seen and heard that night as just a mere illusion?

"No such… the lights, the sounds, the piano moving all on its own? That’s something you think I could do if I was a fraud?" Jack asked incredulously.

"Unicorns can use magic, and I know you have helpers walking around wearing costumes." Cherry said matter-of-factly, "I was sound asleep during your little stage show but I heard all about it yesterday. Seeing it or not doesn’t change the fact that you could have faked the whole thing."

Asleep? The doctor had slept through the entire thing? Jack was dumbfounded that anyone, even a drunk, could have simply slept through the loud music he and the spectral piano had performed, or simply ignored the otherworldly lights that had danced with the wind.

Worst of all, the easiest gamble he’d taken since starting this venture had just rolled up snake-eyes. It should have been easy to twist the doctor’s arm, but now that was looking quite impossible. However, the more Jack pondered over Cherry’s words the more he was drawn to something that the doctor had said...

"And who told you about my so-called ‘light show?" Jack inquired.

Cherry dismissed Jack’s question with a wave of his hoof, "Oh please, it’s all everypony’s been talking about, I can’t avoid it."

"So you didn’t actually see it yourself yet you are so sure it was fake." Jack said with an ounce of annoyance, "I admire your confidence, but what makes you so sure it was fraudulent?"

Cherry placed a hoof on the page to keep his place as he gave the scarecrow his full attention. "You. That’s what makes me think so. Your arrival in this town, and your offer to save everypony from their financial woes with this festival is too coincidental for me to accept."

"And what would it take for you to believe?" Jack pointed at the doctor, although his finger remained hidden under his long sleeve, "I’ve been nothing but polite to the ponies of Hollow Shades and I’ve not asked for the smallest bit of money. In fact, I don’t have any control over where the money goes."

Cherry stared at Jack with narrowed, dangerous eyes, seeming to turn Jack’s argument over in his head before he spoke again.

"I know one thing that’d make me a believer." Cherry said, "Fix my wing."

Jack blinked, "I’m sorry?"

The doctor stretched out his maimed wing, even going so far as to wiggle the boneless tip just for the added shock value.

"The best unicorn doctors couldn’t fix it, and no modern medical techniques exist. I’ve even spoken to zebra alchemists. Nothing’s worked, but if you can wiggle those sleeves of yours and make it better, then sure. I’ll believe you’re some god of the seasons."

The request was so outlandish that Jack found himself unable to respond. He had intended to pinning the doctor on having an opinion-based position of the festival and the spirits despite having not seen it himself. This was twice that Cherry had utterly derailed him, and Jack felt he had to step up his game.

"If I had the ability to heal any injury, autumn would be a time when no creature was ever injured," Jack said apologetically, "You overestimate my capabilities."

Cherry folded his wings and snorted in smug triumph, "Some deity you are."

"Is Celestia any less your ruler despite not solving all your problems for you?" Jack said calmly, "I’m no god, merely a custodian of a single season much like how Celestia is the steward of the day."

"A fancy excuse is still an excuse." Cherry replied dismissively, turning his attention back to his textbook, "Now if you’re done tell me your business here so you can leave."

Jack frowned under his mask. The doctor seemed utterly intractable; seemingly determined to remain at odds with the festival despite any evidence Jack could provide.

Although it felt like he hadn’t accomplished much, Jack knew slinking away would only encourage Cherry to disrupt or even sabotage the festival.

"If you must know, I came here regarding a little mystery I heard about," Jack said as he moved around the desk so that he could read the textbook.

Again Cherry looked away from his reading; an eyebrow raised in disapproval, "Sticking your nose into private matters now, are you?"

"It’s hardly snooping when somepony batters on your door for all the town to hear," Jack said, "As for the details, I’ve heard them all second or third hand. I came hoping that you would dispel some of the more grizzly rumors."

"What are you talking about? What rumors are they spreading?" Cherry said, sounding annoyed.

"Many kinds," Said Jack, "Some saying the child has some rare malady, some say she’s been jinxed. All of that kind are obviously outrageous, but I came hoping to learn from the one pony who’d know the true severity of her condition."

Cherry winced, finally putting the pieces together, "That’s strictly confidential, so you can forget about asking."

Jack bit his lip in irritation. While some part of him was pleased to see Cherry took some aspects of his profession seriously, he’d assumed from the state of the clinic that the golden rule of doctor-patient confidentiality didn’t mean much to Cherry. In fact, he’d expected the doctor to blurt out the filly’s condition just to be rid of him.

Jack’s attention wandered down to the book the doctor was fixated upon. Most of it was medical jargon he might be able to follow along with if it wasn’t upside down. He could pick out some familiar words but to actually study it he’d have to walk around the desk. However, he could pick out the header at the top of the page which labeled what section of the book was open.

It read; "Gastric Disorders."

It wasn’t exactly hard for Jack to connect this with the behavior Corn Crib had exhibited last he had seen her. While several possible diagnoses cropped up in Jack’s mind, he stopped when he reminded himself that these were magic equines that were likely entirely alien to and likely either had a cure for whatever disorder the filly was presently suffering. However, Jack felt that his assumptions had been quite off the mark lately...

For Cherry Nova, the thrill of unleashing his barbed tongue without any repercussion had put a bit of life in his eyes as they darted across the words within the textbook. It was obvious to Jack that he was treating this silence not with annoyance but as a sign of some petty assurance that he was in the right about whatever fantasy he had concocted.

"I suppose that means your little spy network is looking to capitalize on the filly’s poor health," A slip of a grin showed on Cherry’s lips, "Perhaps you want to know so you can hock some snake oil to the girl’s family?"

Jack had to stop himself from rising to the doctor’s jabs. Wanting to fire back, to rub the filth that gathered in this clinic in his obstinate snout but Jack knew that losing temper was exactly what Cherry wanted. If Jack didn’t keep a cool head something might be blurted out that the doctor could use against him.

"As Twain said; ‘Better to remain silent and be thought the fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.’" Jack reminded himself, "But while I’m thinking of old sayings, ‘Turnabout is fair play…"

"And if you’re searching through a medical textbook I can’t say you’re much closer to a prognosis." Said Jack with a slight edge to his voice, "Although, I’m surprised you have a medical license considering the way you keep this clinic."

Jack’s retort seemed to roll off Cherry’s back as he casually shrugged and continued reading, "No one’s complained yet."

There was no finer example of a lie than what Jack had just heard. He had lived around Hollow Shades for days and overheard a lot of idle gossip. He was certain there’d been many complaints about this infection destination Cherry called ‘home.’

"Not too surprising, since you hardly leave this dusty sepulcher." Jack let his facade drop for a moment to ask an honest question, "You obviously dislike practicing in this town of ‘slack-jawed idiots’ so why do you even stay here? Why care at all if I’m the fraud you think I am?"

Cherry rolled his eyes, "Who says I care about them? I just don’t like con artists."

It was an obvious deflection, but it didn’t actually help Jack get anywhere.

"What I’d give for some ghost to pop out of the wall and scare this pony silly right about now…" Jack wishfully thought, "You didn’t answer my first question, why are you here in Hollow Shades?"

"That’s none of your business." Came Cherry’s short, and curt response.

Jack continued to press the issue, "You could have transferred out, let some enterprising young doctor fill your shoes or let some older physician who wants to slow down have this clinic. There’s nothing stopping you from pulling up stakes."

Silence hung in the clinic for a moment as Cherry’s eyes seared up at Jack with a cold intensity. The textbook he’d been so fixated on was now forgotten as he seemed ready to fire back with any number of insults he could devise.

Jack turned his head toward the wall, where Cherry’s medical certification hung in its dusty frame.

"How long has it been since you’ve even done any major procedures?" Jack asked, "Three years, four? Ever? What exactly is your specialty? How many years of medical school do you have?"

Jack turned back to the doctor, his tone growing serious as he placed both hands on Cherry’s desk, "Do you even have any desire to keep practicing?"

The question seemed to take the doctor by surprise, but in an instant, he pushed his chair back to stand tall as he could. Both of his wings unfurled in an instinctual attempt to make him seem bigger.

"A pompous fraud like you wouldn’t know anything about what I do for a living!" Cherry shouted.

Jack didn’t back down, in fact, he leaned over the desk as if to challenge the winged equine, "I know more than you think. Try me."

Cherry snorted, his previous calm returning, "Alright then you scrawny schemer, what side should a patient lie for an enema procedure?"

The smile the doctor wore told Jack that Cherry thought this was utterly beyond his knowledge.

Jack cleared his throat. It’d been a while since he had to face a pop quiz like this.

"The left, because that’s the way the intestines loop." Said Jack, "I only got a quick look at that anatomy picture in your book but I did notice that’s something we have in common."

Cherry’s scowl told Jack he was correct.

"Treating fresh trauma, hot or cold?" Cherry asked with narrowed eyes.

"Depends," Said Jack, "If it’s the first forty-eight hours? Cool it down to prevent excessive blood loss and growth of hematoma, and after that heat it up to help microcirculation, for speeding up hematoma reduction and evacuation of toxic inflammation products."

Cherry grit his teeth, "Alright then smart-colt, what's the external way of using gastritis suspensions?"

"Now there’s one I haven’t had to remember in a while." Jack smiled, "You can use it for treating light inflammations, like attrition, bites of insects, prickly heat; inflammation makes the skin reaction more acidic, and gastritis suspensions are slightly alkaline--it eases the symptoms."

When Jack had finished he expected a snide remark or a weak attempt to argue some difference in procedure. This was the standard for him, but he would not be surprised that magical equines didn’t follow the exact same routine he knew.

He had not expected silence from the pegasus, and truthfully any other response would have been preferable. Actions and words afforded some measure of meaning and could be responded to in an appropriate or inappropriate way. But silence and a stoic glare gave Jack very little to work with.

"You’re a doctor." It was more a statement of fact than a real response or an accusation. It seemed liked Cherry was trying to process this new tidbit of information about the creature that had been roaming free in Hollow Shades.

"No," Said Jack, "But I am trained in the medical field. I'll be glad to take this off your hooves, the only thing I need to know is what exactly is the filly’s condition."

"Out of the question. You already admitted to being unfamiliar with equine anatomy." Cherry took a breath and tapped the open book, "And the foal doesn’t have the time for me to explain every single question you may have regarding it."

Jack blinked, "It’s that serious?"

Rather surprisingly, the doctor turned the weathered old medical text around for Jack to read and tapped a section with his hoof, "Acute cecumitis."

There was quite a thick description below the line Cherry indicated. Jack skimmed through it the best he could, having never seen an equine disease listed so thoroughly before, but parts of it sounded like something he was vaguely familiar with.

"Kinda sounds like a form of colic." Jack said.

"Colic can be treated easily, but this isn’t simple colic." Said Cherry with a distinct lack of insult in his voice, "The symptoms are severe enough to suggest that the patient has a severe case. Her cecum has become inflamed due to several possible factors, ranging from vitamin deficiency, massive shifts in diet, or frequent ingestion of spoiled food. This results in a blockage that has become impacted, and if left untreated it will rupture and lead to sepsis."

Jack wanted to smile at the sudden burst of professionalism, but he felt it might irritate Cherry even with his mask. "The dietary theories make sense, but what about her hoof pain? How does that factor into this?"

"I did say vitamin deficiency, didn’t I?" Cherry frowned, "It’s possible it’s unrelated, but considering the diet of the average pony in Hollow Shades I should be amazed this is the first case of acute, severe cecumitis."

Jack nodded, "It sounds similar to a condition I’m familiar with, would the treatment be a, erm, cecum-ectomy?"

Cherry’s eyes widened, "What? No! Nothing so radical. But it will require surgery nonetheless."

"Can you handle that here, or will she need to be transported to Ponyville for the procedure?" Jack asked plainly.

Cherry Nova stamped his hoof, "Can I? I may have specialized in treating wings but I can handle a routine operation like this… if I had an extra set of trained hooves."

Jack leaned against the table, "And since you don’t have that?"

Cherry grit his teeth, clearly displeased with what he had to say, "She’ll have to be moved immediately to Ponyville General Hospital. The bill they’ll stick Summer Harvest with will be quite a kick in the teeth for him."

"And there’s a chance that travel could cause further complications." Jack’s fingers drummed on the doctor’s desk, "This is far, far worse than I thought… Not just for Corn Crib but their family as well."

The more he thought about it, he had been so fixated on Corn Crib’s well-being he hadn’t even considered the cost of such a procedure. He barely even understood their currency much less their insurance procedures, if there were any. If such infrastructures existed he doubted Summer could have kept up such payments.

Still, that didn’t mean he had to sit on the sidelines.

"What if you had some help in the operation?" Jack asked.

Cherry snorted, "You’ve already shown that you don’t know the details of this disorder. Would you even know where to begin?"

"I’m not proposing that I take over the operation, doctor." Jack said, "I’m offering to assist you in the procedure."

"I’d be better off with some shaky hoofed farmcolt that’s never seen blood." Cherry leaned forward over the desk, that familiar smugness returning, "Oh, I get it. This is how you intend to get your money, don’t you?"

Jack let out an exasperated sigh, "Is the idea of compassion dead in this horse-world or is this guy just that hard-up to be right?"

As frustrating as this entire exchange had been, Jack acknowledged that he at least knew what the situation was. The trouble was money, namely what this doctor was claiming it would cost the Harvests. If they had to relocate Corn Crib to Ponyville to a presumably expensive hospital they were admittedly better equipped to deal with the situation than this nasty clinic, but he still had his promise…

His silence seemed to be annoying the doctor, but Jack soon spoke again, "You’re one hundred percent certain you could perform the operation?"

Cherry looked offended by even being asked, "Of course, two interns could do it if they knew how."

"Then I’ll assist you. No payment required." Jack half-turned from the doctor, "But if you intend on doing the procedure here I insist on sanitizing your clinic as best we can. This place is filthy."

"Any less filthy than that raggy getup you tromp around in?" Cherry shot back, clearly not liking anyone speaking poorly about his clinic, "I’m not working with someone who has to hide behind a mask."

With that return to talk of his mask Jack knew the battle of words was over. He’d lost. If not for the explanation of Corn Crib’s condition it would have been an entire waste of time. His only remaining move would be to remove his mask and tell Cherry everything, but the pegasus had shown to be petty and vindictive throughout this whole conversation. The chance of him simply running out the door to announce to everypony that Halloween was a lie was too great a risk to everything he’d built up.

When faced with an unwinnable situation, the only sensible move was to fall back and regroup.

"Fine, if you want it to be this way, I’ll stay out of your mane for now." Jack crossed his arms, "But my offer still stands."

The doctor’s only response was an irritated snort as he stepped around the desk to navigate to the clinic’s front door.

"I need to leave," Cherry said, "I’d appreciate it if you aren’t here when I get back. I’ve had enough freeloaders lounging around here."

Jack held his tongue, the irony in Cherry’s words was simply too easy a target.

He’d comply with the doctor’s request, at least for now.

But before Cherry passed the wall of shelves, he paused. Jack watched as the stallion seemed to argue with himself before he turned his head, "Humor me, what even are your qualifications?"

It may have been bait for more information about Jack, but the chance to get the doctor to consider his offer was just too great.

Jack jabbed his chest with his thumb, "Seven years in medical school, six in practice at Nationwide Children’s Hospital, RN."

"Never heard of it." Cherry said dismissively before heading for the door.

Now alone in the musty clinic, Jack placed his hands on his face and let out his bottled frustration in a loud groan.

If nothing else, he should visit Corn Crib before the day was over.

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To be continued…
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Author's Note:

Boom. Over 40 pages of story consigned to the recycle bin to bring you this. I was going to hold onto it and read it for major errors but you've waited long enough, and I haven't had a pretty bad week. Pretty or not, here it is.

How long have I been planning this reveal? Chapter 2. :raritywink:

Editors: CourageFire, wacky, Boldish42, and special thanks to Solid Punch for help with the medical questions.
I sleep now.

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