Captain Bradford and his 4 man squad crash land in the everfree forest, unbeknown to them. The covenant carrier that were in combat with also jumped to the world they are on and has settled there. now he needs the help of twilight and the gang to destroy the carrier and return peace to the land of equestria.
Page generated in 0.099 seconds
Total duration
1,019 users online
1,857,888 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
You see as Twilight is what we like to call a "Hacker" It will work, even though the plan is noobish. Stupid aimbots!
Word of advice: proofread. Also, was expecting a bit more confusion from both parties as to what was going on, good idea, but the execution isn't that great. 4.5 out of 10.
198606 Could you please tell me where I need the proof reading it would be a help thanks. ^_^
Also if i went into all the detail of explaining all the confusion and everything it would just be 4 paragraphs of bullsh*t.
Also, I think a group of soldiers that has seen a crap load of crazy stuff in there time of service would not be that scared or confused of a talking horse
One more thing. when you gave the rating you kind of sounded like a mean guy. I don't mean to be offensive and I don't think you meant to be either.
Oh yeah. Thanks for the feedback. I'm putting more effort into the next chapter so hopefully it will be better.
EDIT: I have added and removed some stuff so hopefully it makes me sense.
I'm going to laugh when the elements don't do bull shit
I'm afraid I have to repeat what duvagr007 said last chapter. It's a great idea, but there are some problems with the way you've written this.
For one, some of the sentences are too long. "A rather short and skinny man wearing a white navy uniform with the title of “captain” on the crest of a badge on his chest, right near where his heart would b said, as he pointed at the crewman sitting in the chair in the corner watching the coms and ships sensors." could be easily separated into several sentences, and wouldn't feel so disjointed. If you're trying to get 7 ideas across in one sentence it's going to confuse the reader
There are also some grammatical errors here and there. You might want to fix them up
689123 Ah thank you, I will begin to edit. and after reading it I can see where the errors and the sentence errors. it's just sometimes people say they are to long or to short this mainly my english teachers and so they have confused me a bit over the years. but I am still learning and with my mistakes I shall learn and improve as I go.
692266 I have edited some stuff know so Hopefully it is better