Dysphoria

by Owlor

X of N

“Open up, Mr. Buckshot! We know you’re hiding in there!”

The repo ponies is at my door, and this time he sounds like he means business. Every bang on the door resonates through my living room, sending shivers crawling up my spine. The beats seem close, much closer than they are, and I feel as if my eardrums are about to burst. I try my best to keep my panicked breaths under control as I lie crouched behind my living room couch. My hope goes to the hinges and the lock mechanism; if they don’t decide to simply bust down the door, I think I might be safe, for a little while longer at least.

“Mr. Buckshot! Open this door right now!”

My whole body begins to shake as I feel my control over it slipping. I hold my breath, unwilling to produce any sound, no matter how faint or dim. The pony seems to have grown tired of banging on it with a forehoof, because after a brief moment of silence, I hear a loud noise, no doubt coming from a powerful, angry buck.

“Mr. Buckshot, we are going to get in there whether you want to or not! I’ll bring back two police officers tomorrow and, unless you’ve paid your mortgage and all the fines you’re due, you are getting out of this house!”

I hear the repo pony’s hoofsteps walking further and further away from my house. Still, I hesitate to move out from my hiding position out of fear that he might catch a glimpse of me from the front windows. I count at least fifteen minutes before daring a peek from behind the couch.

They can’t evict me. No, not now. This is where I am safe. I realized it back at the Silver mansion: she came in through the door, but left through the window. I spent three days without batting an eye as I thought about this fact. I wrote many theories and pasted them on the wall, right next to all the information I could gather from her.

In those restless nights, after remembering every single detail about what happened, I came to the conclusion that she can’t both enter and leave a building through the same door. I have been too naïve to accept it at first, but the more information I was able to come up with and paste on the wall, I finally accepted the truth.

Some monsters have rules. Pinkie has rules. Some can’t touch running water, some have to stop and pick up sunflower seeds and Pinkie can’t use the same door twice. Oh, no no no. It says right here! All the facts were always there; I was just too blind to see them! Reaching the conclusion itself was hard, but once I did it, I couldn’t understand why couldn’t I before. It was so simple. And the simplest explanation should always be prefered.

The broken furniture scattered around hindered my movements a bit. But it’s okay, she can’t come in here. I only had the broken pieces pushed aside a little in order to allow some room for Tank to roam freely through the house. The tortoise and Pinkie are all that is left for me to look forward to.

Speaking of the devil, here he comes with his slow steps. Carrying a crumpled envelope in his teeth. I look at the pile of envelopes next to the door. Bills that should’ve been paid weeks ago, various ads and, of course, her letters. They all sit unopened on that little pile, forgotten. I’ve received four of them since I was fired from my job and, judging by the state of the letter he’s carrying, the eighth just came.

He places the envelope by my hooves, but I lack the will to bend down and pick it with my mouth. Instead, I pet the turtle and throw myself on the couch. Tank, relentless, picks up the letter and brings it to me, poking my dangling forehoof with the paper. Once again I pet him, but ultimately ignore the letter.

Instead of carrying it towards the pile, he drops the letter to the floor and makes an unintelligible sound at me. I wonder if he understand that I can’t read the letters. It’s the only way I can be free from Pinkie. After looking at me for a few seconds, he walks towards his bowl to eat some lettuce. I move my hoof and manage to kick it beneath the couch.

Fuck Pinkie. Fuck her game. She already proved that I’ll never be able to save those ponies, so why should I care ultimately? The only pony that could be harmed further in this town is me.

My ears perk up as I hear the sounds of hoofsteps nearing my front door. Maybe the taxpony changed his mind and he figured he’ll evict me from the house right away? I scramble behind the couch, trying my best to not produce a sound, and prepare myself to wait through another onslaught of beatings against my door.

I hear the sound of a metal latch being opened and something being pushed through. I hear his or hers hoofsteps disappearing in the distance. Good, crisis averted. Since nopony is banging on the door, I hastily get out of my hiding place and risk a glance out the window. I catch sight of Derpy as she takes off and soars through the sky, somewhat camouflaged by the gray cloud blanket that enshrouds Ponyville.

I glance at the letter on the floor and, for some reason, I feel drawn to it. It isn’t crumbled like the others and the seal has a professional quality. I bend down to pick it up and immediately glance at the address. Ponyville General Hospital.

I bit my lip, as the seed of curiosity grows roots inside my brain. On one side, this is an intriguing occurrence. since I’ve never even heard of a hospital dispatching letters to ponies. On the other, this could make me vulnerable to Pinkie once more. After all, it is a letter.

But… I’ve never had any problem before I received Pinkie’s letters. So… maybe, this would mean that every other correspondence is harmless?

I throw a cautious glance all around me. The entire world outside sits still, motionless and mute. The only sign of life in this barren wintry wasteland is the tortoise, slowly munching on his lettuce leaves. With no clear sign of danger around, I bit my lip and close my eyes, tugging the top of the envelope and slowly ripping it open.

I count the seconds, but I still don’t hear the sound of a pony coming. Maybe my theory was slightly off? I still wait a couple more seconds before prying the entire envelope open and reading the contents of the letter.

Mr. Buckshot,

The patient under my care, Shining Badge, has asked your presence at the Ponyville hospital.

I am aware of how unorthodox this may sound, but the patient was very adamant in her request. We sent a couple of ponies to your house, but all of them reported that you weren’t present at the time.

Willing to acquiesce to my patient’s constant demands, I send you this letter with hope that you will come.

Sincerely, Dr. Serpent Coil.

P.S.: Try not to cause any more trouble this time.

The words flow through my mind as I read it again, and again, and again. How could I have forgotten about Shining Badge? Even though it has been so long since we’ve last met, I had no reason to forget about her. A rolling wave of guilt splashes against my mind, shaking me physically. What would she say if she knew I was keeping contact with the most vicious killer this world has ever known in a long time? My hind legs give up and I fall to the floor, feeling another rush of emotion overwhelming my being.

I feel so pathetic now. A grown stallion crying over a lost job and an entire life wasted trying to pursue the silly notion that, somehow, he was helping making the world a better place. I lay there, sprawled on the floor for long minutes until Tank comes along and nudges me with his head.

I roll to the opposite side, refusing to look at the tortoise. There’s nothing more that I want other than to be left alone on what’s probably my last day in this house. My eyes drift between the door and the letter, while a heavy feeling washes over me.

You’re weak, Buckshot. Weak! a voice seemed to whisper to me from the back of my mind.

Resisting every urge to just collapse and await doomsday, I bite my lower lip and get up from the floor. My hooves work by themselves, making me walk in circles as my brain buzzes, debating with itself. On one hand, Shining Badge has gone through all this trouble to ask me to visit her. On the other… I’m just so at a loss of what to do. My life is in shambles and I don’t want to add another worry to Shining’s mind.

The minutes tick themselves away, making me even more apprehensive about the situation. Outside, a slight red tint in the marble of the clouds hint that the sun is setting. Some of my worries sink away as I come to a top in the middle of the hallway. Today may be the last day I’m even able to fake respectability, and if the sun sets without me taking advantage of it, I only have my self to blame.

I take a trial step towards the door, then another. Another minute ticks.

Then it’s like my mind breaks through an invisible barrier. I quickly gallop towards the rack and grab my trenchcoat. It’s worn and hasn’t been washed for days, but it’ll do good service in shielding me from the razor-like wintry wind. Tank just looks at me quizzically as I stare at him with a dumb smile etched in my face. I pick him up and place him on my back as I make my way to the front door.

“Friends have a way of making even the worst of times into something pretty great,” I mumble, with a smile on my face as I set off to meet Shining Badge.

---

Sans for the two security ponies and the secretary at the front desk, the hospital is completely devoid of life. The three ponies present give me odd looks as I walk towards the desk, probably noticing my disregard for bathing, shaving and trimming my coat’s fur. That and the turtle currently resting on my back.

“Good morning,” I say, trying my best to sound amiable. “I’m here to visit Shining Badge.”

The secretary immediately scrunches her muzzle, but nonetheless, tries to flash me a warm smile. The result makes her look like someone is stretching her facial muscles with hooks.

“Good afternoon,” she says and starts rummaging through some papers. “Ah, yes, Shining Badge is clear for visitors. I’ll just need your identification, mister.”

I tell her my name and she quickly writes it on a paper before looking at me.

“All clear; she’s on room 307-A.” I nod and make my way towards the hallway, noticing the security ponies giving me one of the dirtiest looks I’ve ever gotten. Can’t fault them, though. As I walk the narrow, seemingly alien corridors of the hospital, I breathe a sigh of relief when a plaque, hanging from the ceiling, instructs me towards the stairs.

I make my way upstairs, constantly assaulted by the smell of disinfectant products. My mind shifts gear, focusing on Shining Badge. I am instantly gripped by a tight feeling of apprehension, almost making me choke.

Then I see it, room 307-A. As my heart drums against my chest, I have to fight back the urge to run away. Eventually, I take in a breath and overpower my insecurity and open the door. I see Shining Badge turning on her bed to get a better view of the door. I can’t help but cringe as I notice the bandage that’s covering half her face.

We stay silently looking at each other for what seems minutes before I can gather my thoughts.

“Hey.” My voice is faint, barely audible, but she flashes me a warm smile and nods. I close the door behind me and slowly approach her bed.

“You’ve taken your sweet time.” Her comment, although not serious, sends another wave of guilt that washes over me.

“Well... a lot has happened. Has been happening, Shining.” I try to keep my tone neutral, but by the look on her face, she has me completely read already. Like a open book. Then again, this is exactly why I recommended her to Mully.

“What’s wrong?” She holds out her forehoof, reaching for me. I give a few tentative steps forward and take the extended hoof into mine.

“Well, Shining... truth is—” I look into her eye, the one not hidden away by a cloth and, underneath, by a scar. The air escapes my lungs, leaving the words stuck in my throat as I stare into the single orb that promises me ineffable forgiveness and mercifulness.

“Truth is, I’m scared, Shining.” The tears threaten to spill as I gather the courage I so desperately need. “I—I know we promised never to keep a secret from each other and—and I know you’d never make a hasty judgement, but—” I turn my head, looking away from her, “—but I’m really scared right now.”

“Hey,” she says, moving her forehoof from mine to my cheek. “Hey, look at me.”

I’m reluctant to gaze upon her. Every time I see the bandages hiding her wound I am reminded not only of how I failed her, but how I failed myself as well. Tank, however, decides that he wants some attention and roll from my back and onto the floor. For a second, both me and Shining are startled by the sudden noise, but when the Turtle pokes his head outside his shell, signaling that everything is okay, I feel relieved that he didn’t hurt himself.

“Your buddy there gave me a scare.” Tanks looks timidly to her, looking almost unsure if jumping from my back and into open view was the optimal choice.

“Not just you. For a second there I thought he had hurt himself. Well, it seems Tank deserves his name, after all.” I chuckle.

“Tank, huh?” she asks, looking at the little guy. I pick him up from the floor and place him on top of her bed. The tortoise immediately hides back fully inside his shell. “Hey, little guy... How are you?” Eventually, the timid tortoise sticks his head out and looks quizzically at Shining, who keeps smiling at the sight of him.

“I didn’t know you had a pet, Bucky.”

“Yeah, well... it’s kind of a long story and, to be honest, part of the reason I’m here today. You see, Tank’s gonna need a new home.” Her eyes widen and I immediately flinch.

“Buckshot! I’m disappointed at you! You took this turtle without knowing if you could properly take care of it?”

“No, it’s not that, Shining. It—I—”

“But if that’s not it, then—” Her eyes widen. “The house! Bucky, what’s going on?”

“I’m about to lose my home, Shining.”

She visibly sinks down into the bed a little as I say this, and I feel very guilty for laying it on her so suddenly. Still, we always were very honest with one another.

“You are? But why?”

I find myself biting my lower lip. There’s a torrent of words on the tip of my tongue that refuses to come out. Seeing my hesitation, Shining pulls me close and lets my head rest against her chest. Above me, I hear her struggling to compose herself, and I respond with a gentle hug. The thick sheet of ice inside of me seems to be melting, suddenly the world seem a little less cold and grey.

“I—I didn’t pay my rent,” I let out, soothed by her soft fur. “I was fired from the job and—” I choke back something resembling a sob.

“Tell me everything Bucky,” Shining demands “don’t feel like you have to bottle it up just because I’m in the hospital. I’m not gonna heal any faster worrying about you.”

So I take a deep breath, compose myself and lets everything spill. I tell her about my contact with Pinkie Pie and about her sick little game, and I can see Shining stifle a shock at every revelation. When I’m done, I bow my head down to face her judgment like a convict.

---

You’re weak, Buckshot. Weak! Look at how fucking pathetic you are right now! Crying in front of her, wishing that she could just work up some magic and clean your mind of all your problems. Shining Badge doesn’t want a stallion like you. She doesn’t need someone to hinder her life like you do. You can’t just push your fucking problems to her and hope for the best. Newsflash for you, sunshine: this is not how life works.

You know what’s waiting for you in Shining’s face? Do you, Buckshot? Disgust. You disgust her. That’s right, keep your head low like the fragile little shit you are. You’ve never amounted to nothing more than a broken marriage. Your whole career has been a failure! ‘To serve and protect’? Hah, big fucking lie, and you know that! You couldn’t protect Sunset Snow. You couldn’t protect Shining Badge. You couldn’t protect Silver Spoon. You couldn’t protect Rarity. You can’t protect anypony!

---

The silence is deafening. Shining’s breathing and mine are the only things breaking the room’s silence. I feel like clutching my entire body and curling up like a newborn.

Her covers shuffle quickly. When I look up to see her, I can only register a blur coming at me. Her motion is quicker than I predicted. I feel her hooves wrapping around me and, in confusion, I search for her eyes. Hers are there, filled with warm, acceptance and understanding. Before I can work out any sentence, she closes in on me, planting her lips over mine.

We stay like that, caught in each other’s embrace, for several long seconds. I am instantly reminded of how much I had missed her presence. Her smell. Her touch. I feel the tears streaming down my eyes, as the joy that grips my heart fills me completely.

---

We talked for hours. Shining reassured me that it wasn’t my fault that those ponies died and that I did my best. Still, it wasn’t enough to completely drain me from my guilt; especially when she told me how long she still had to stay in the hospital before being discharged. She indeed was understanding of my situation, and it showed sometimes, when I expected a smack on the back of the head and only got a downward look. After a while, neither of us had anything left to say and we both stood in silence, feeling and enjoying each other’s embrace.

“I don’t like it, Bucky,” she spoke, out of the blue.

“What?”

“The way this is affecting you. The way Pinkamena is affecting you. It’s like… like…”

“What, Shining?”

She sighs. “I know you don’t like talking about her, but it’s just like how Magnolia made you feel. This… this humiliation and mind games. I don’t like it.”

Yes, even though I still feel my stomach churning when we talk about her, this time I can’t help but laugh a little. “Well, last time you were there to save me.” I look up into her eyes and see her blush. I love it when she does that. Moving quickly, I lock lips with Shining, drawing some surprise from her closed mouth.

Her lips soon part as she allows herself to be swept away by the moment. We remain entwined for what feels eternity, making the sandstorm in my mind settle down considerably. When we eventually break the embrace, I notice her blush once more. We are suddenly interrupted by a nurse knocking on the door, announcing that visiting time is over. At least she had the decency to knock and not open the door outright.

As much as I’d like to stay in this position forever, I don’t want to risk another incident and be banned from the premises, and from seeing Shining before she’s discharged.

“I’ll come back to visit tomorrow. I promise!” I give her a light peck on the lips.

“I’ll be waiting, Bucky,” she says, still blushing. I find it amusing that no matter how tough Shining is on the job, she is nothing but a softie, really. And I love her for it. “Oh, and… Bucky?”

“Yes?”

She pauses and looks down. I notice her muzzle moving, trying to produce a sound, but i. “It’s… nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’ll tell you about it later.” She smiles.

I pick Tank from the floor and place him safely over my back once more. “Well, if you say so.” I don’t mean to intrude on her privacy. She’ll eventually tell me what it is once she’s ready.

“And, Bucky, one last thing?” She speaks just as I’m about to open the door. I turn around, waiting for her to finish. “Please take a shower. You smell like shit,” she barely finishes her sentence before she’s laughing away. At first I stood dumbfounded, but now, seeing her laughter, seeing how good she is feeling, I can’t help but laugh too.

I guess it is as they say; Laughter is infectious.

---

As I put Tank on the floor and close the front door behind us, I can’t help but feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. However, just because I had a pleasant conversation with Shining Badge it does not mean that all my problems are solved. I still feel physically and mentally spent, but now I think I’ll finally be able to rest, collect some thoughts and move on with my life. Yes, I should definitely search for a new job. But not right now.

Tank, as if reading my thoughts, keeps looking between me and Pinkie’s most recent letter. I sigh. Even though I do not need to do it, I desperately seek some closure from this whole ordeal. I also feel like I owe the citizens of this town. It was my screw up that lead me to lose the job. Me, the pony who has more info on the killer than anypony else. Which means that it’s up to me to fix the mistakes.

I sigh and pick up the envelope, taking care to bite on the seemingly cleanest part of it before taking it on my forehooves. This will be dangerous, no doubt. Illegal, even. But I’m ready for her. Come on, Pinkie, hit me with your best shot!

I tear the envelope and—

“No... no! Please, oh Celestia, no! No!”

Author's Note:

Owlor: The name for this chapter was originally intended to be a placeholder, but I think it fit the mood of the chapter, with Bucky being too disheveled to remember the date, and anyway, I'm the one uploading the chapters, so who's gonna stop me?

Comments

[Thatsnoreason]

She pauses and looks down. I notice her muzzle moving, trying to produce a sound, but i. “It’s… nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’ll tell you about it later.” She smiles.

Well, that's flag raised. Damned flag I say.