• Member Since 30th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 28th, 2013

LemonDrizzle


E

If your entire life was nothing but an endless expanse of ordered grey, what would you do?

For the last 200 years, Equestria has been moulded and formed into the perfect order where there can be no creativity, no imagination, no emotions and nothing outside of perfection, just normalcy. There can be no chaos or disharmony, no madness or malevolence when only order rules but the pristine, perfect world is cracked and rotten at its core.

Twilight Sparkle, a young unicorn studying under the Princess herself will soon discover what Equestria had lost 200 years ago and what lengths she will have to go to bring back that which has been stowed away for centuries.

Because sometimes order is a far more vile thing than chaos could ever be.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 12 )

A very interesting start.

In terms of percentages, (ex:10%) how close is the next chapter to this fanfic to being completed?

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Hmm, I'd say maybe 20%. I'm writing some more currently so it'll probably be around 30-40% come tomorrow.

The use of voice in this fic is rather good (it's a first person story, so it should be), and your general descriptions are, at worst, adequate. The basic structure of the story seems solid so far. But as with anything, there are still issues.

There are some basic grammar and punctuation mistakes, but nothing too jarring or distracting. The descriptions can drag on, but again, it isn't anything too bad or purple-tinted. Mostly the drag comes from repetition of facts. You only need to say once how things are. You can be poetic now and then by doing it, but it loses all effect when it happens about half the time. A very easy way to set a scene well is to simply state what each of the protagonist's senses are experiencing, minus taste usually. It should take just a few sentences that way. The flow is done well, though you use lists with "and" or "or" separating every single one of the items too much. The use of these gives the narration more speed, making them more suited to a chase scene than a description of flowers.

While beginning a story with an info dump can be tempting, it is also very dangerous. If you bore the reader in the middle of the story, they're going to skip paragraphs, but if you bore them at the beginning, they'll just stop reading. Especially in a shorter story, they are to be used only when absolutely necessary. Exposition is rarely the most interesting part of a story, and so if the story begins with exposition it must be at least one of two things: short or very interesting. The longer the exposition, the more interesting it has to be. The exposition in the start of this story goes on for too long. The reader gets the picture after a few paragraphs or so. You have to make the reader want to hear more of your world- and plot-building, and, ironically, the way to do that is to keep all but the interesting and/or important parts of it from them.

There wasn't much characterization, (I guess with order and normality being thought of as key, that was kind of the point) but what was there was good. The fact that the protagonist says that order, normality, and a lack of individuality are the most important things, and then immediately makes a statement that contradicts that belief is a nice, and important touch that shows how that belief does not mesh with the pony brain. It is perhaps the only characterization Twilight really gets in what you have so far, and it is done well so that's a good sign.

Not much to say on plot as there wasn't all that much, but it is still only one chapter long after all. The pacing of the story is pretty slow, however. The entire first half of the first chapter can be summarized with "Twilight Sparkle is the princess' apprentice and she has been taught that order is the only thing that matters, and there are no colors in the world."

Mostly, what your story needs is to be trimmed down. Especially the first half of the first chapter needs to be revised and only the important details kept. The days on which it rains and on which it's sunny, for example, can be removed from the beginning and put instead later on when setting the scene and the weather is mentioned. A lot of good exposition comes from finding places to slip it in without the reader noticing.

This review might make it seem like the story is deeply flawed, but it's not. Everything is at least functioning, and that's what's most important. The rest is just making it go from functioning to good or great.

GIVE ME MORE OF THIS I FUCKING DEMAND IT

No, seriously... this is one of the most novel ideas I've ever read. Or one of the most novel incarnations of an idea. Or something. Who cares. Whatever.

I've been hoping someone would do something like this for ages, and I was not disappointed. Pure Order would be just as terrible and appalling as pure Chaos, and as what would appear to be Orders chief defender Celestia is the most likely to take it too far. Fantastic. :twilightsmile:

It knew... the one who was oh so very...

:fluttershysad:
:fluttercry:

Interesting, but I am expecting a bittersweet/downer ending considering the atmosphere of the story. The concept of Discord's chaos causing color though, is amazingly brilliant.

but... Where is luna?:fluttershysad:

Yes! I know this story is old, but I NEED more! :pinkiehappy:

:twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2: UUUUGH, why do people start something so interesting and then just do nothing with it!!!!!!:twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2:

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What happened to Luna:fluttercry: I only stumbled upon this story now, and, wow. This was amazing, I love the concept of pure order, something I hoped someone would make, and by God you didn't fail. I was hoping you'd make another chapter.:fluttershysad: pleassseeee:fluttershysad:

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