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Prologue

A Fetch Quest for My Drink

-> New Game

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“Wake up, Mom,” called the disdainful voice of a young filly. Berry Punch forced her groggy eyes open. “You fell asleep on the floor again.” Her daughter Ruby, a small unicorn with a light red coat, stood over her.

“Honey, just a few more seconds, I’m tired.” Berry’s eyes eased themselves back into their relaxed, sealed state. That seal was abruptly broken apart by a hard buck to the side. “Fine damnit. I’ll get up.” Ruby slid her horn under the tired mare’s belly and lifted her up like a caravan jack. “Thanks hun,” the mare said as she did some exaggerated stretches. Berry Punch was Ponyville’s official alcoholic and second-best partier. This was just another average morning of waking up with a bad headache. “Hey Ruby, do you remember anything about last night’s party? I think there is something I need to remember, but it won’t come up.”

The filly made an unimpressed sigh and shrugged. “Same old, same old. You made a fool of yourself and everyone got wasted. I kicked them out at three in the morning and played Dodo society, the usual.” She rapped at the floor with her hoof as she searched her memory for anything out of the usual. “Well there was one really fancy looking guy, a big unicorn stallion. You were talking to him a lot I think. I don’t really know. I just clean.”

“A unicorn stallion huh? Come on, hang-over, clear up for just one second. I think he told me something… interesting. Something I just can’t get it to come up." Berry growled as she dug her hooves deep into her skull "Damnit! I hate this stupid memory stuff!” Berry bumped her head into the nearest wall over and over, but that wasn’t going force the memories out any sooner.

“Just wash yourself up before you go outside," Ruby dismissed her mother with a bored, almost condescending tone, "I’ll be on the computer.” Berry took slow stumbling steps to the upstairs bathroom where she let herself soak in the comfort of steamy, bubbling bath water. The soothing scent of strawberry bubble-bath flowed through her nostrils. The memories from last night made gentle waves back into her mind. Amongst those memories was one of a white unicorn with a lustrous, red mane.

The memory started with her lying on the couch with the regal looking unicorn. He whispered into her ears with his sweet, seductive voice. “You want to know the recipe to the ultimate wine? Wine so good even Celestia doesn’t get to drink it. The recipe goes like this. First you need to ferment oranges with cooled magma, holy grapes mixed with purified magic, singing cherries, and a sea pony’s ‘Shoo Bee Doo’. Then you need to mix it all with dragon’s love.” The Berry of the memory giggled after that ingredient. “and as for the yeast, you need yeast that’s been treated by a hippogryph. Then the yeast needs to be sprinkled in stardust. Mix all of that together and you’ll have a batch of the best wine in the world.”

Berry’s tongue dribbled with drool as the recipe repeated over and over through her head. The ingredients made no sense, but it didn't matter. Something magical about them made her desire it. It was as if she had to drink it right then and she’d let neither hell nor heaven get in her way. Rushed with energy, Berry bounced downstairs. “Ruby! I’m going on a pilgrimage!"

Ruby’s hoof slid down her face as she belted a disdained groan. “Mom, what religion do you even believe in that has you going on a pilgrimage?”

“Uhhh, the religion of wine.” Berry snickered.

“Give me a second. I have type a message before I can even dignify that with a response.” The filly turned her back to her mom and faced the radiant computer screen. Ruby typed into the text box of her chatroom on Dodo Society.

Little Drinker- Guys I think my mom has finally went full blown retarded. She’s shouting about a pilgrimage for alcohol.

Mini-RAINb0w- Seriosly? whats a pilgrim thingy?

Muffinfilly- I think its a tyop of adveture. I herd of it in last dreamX. Shes gonna go to churchs n stuff.

Little Drinker- I doubt that. She’s probably just horribly misusing the word.

Mini-RAINb0w- Ask what shes going 4 I wanna knwo!

Little Drinker- Fine just give me a second.

Ruby spun her office chair around to face her mom again. “So, what the hay are you talking about? I know you don’t believe in anything so it’s not a pilgrimage.”

Berry bounced uncontrollably like a schoolgirl. “I remembered what that unicorn said to me. It was a recipe to the world’s best wine! Dragon love, Shoo Bee Doo, singing cherries, hippogryph-treated yeast, holy grapes, stardust, cooled magma, and purified magic! Doesn’t it sound like the best damn drink in the world?”

Ruby's voice fell flat. “Honestly. That sounds ridic-”the recipe’s magical tune echoed through Ruby’s young head. Her mouth watered and her eyes dilated, “-ously delicious! Mom can I please have some? I know I’m not supposed to drink, but I think I need this one! If I don’t get it I’ll explode or something. Then child services will finally come for you.”

“You really think I wouldn’t let my own little girl have the best wine in the world? Of course you can! Now come on let’s go!” The impatient Berry rushed for the door only to get a painful bump when Ruby shut it with her magic.

“I have to say bye to my friends first. Just lie there for a minute.”

Little Drinker- Guys me and my mom are going to go adventure for the best wine in the world. Also guess which filly gets to drink under-aged. Me!

Mini-Rainb0w- Id go with u but sweati bell would be to much of a wimpy marchmallow!

Muffinfilly- Awww I’m at my daddy’s right now. I’m sure mama wood let me go wit yo guys. And cant yo u drink at those parys anyway? yOUr mom woud never care.

Little Drinker- Yeah I just choose not to. I’m sort of scared, but this sounds to good to miss out on. Bye girls!

Little Drinker logged off.

Ruby jacked her mom back up like before. “Mom we should go see aunt Cheerilee first. I’m going to have to leave school for a while.”

Berry groaned, “But I haaatee Cheerilee. Do we really have to? Can’t you just ditch? Please do it this once for mommy.”

“Not happening, I got stars to keep! There is no way I’m letting Sweetie Belle become the new sun filly. Now come on!” Ruby bucked her mom through the door. The walk to Cheerilee’s house was filled with whining and fake crying.

The house was an incredibly happy shade of orange. It sat high on top of the rolling hills near the schoolhouse. Ruby opened the the door with the key under the mat. “Hi Auntie Cheerilee. I brought mom with me.” The rich maroon colored teacher was in the middle of popping a bottle of white wine when they came in.

Cheerilee blushed, “Oh you caught me in the middle of my Sunday drink. What brings you and-,” Cheerilee’s tone turned more dull, “my sister here?” She took a sip of her drink in front of Ruby knowing the filly wouldn't mind.

“We’re going on an adventure for the ultimate wine. She’ll be out of school for a while. We’re just here because she cares about some sun filly crap.” Berry was rewarded with a swift painful buck for the “crap” part.

Cheerilee’s drink sprayed from her mouth, soaking Ruby in nasty wine-spit. Berry on the other hoof opened her mouth for the drops that went her way. “Ultimate wine? Adventure? What the hay do you think you’re doing taking a little girl on a journey in Equestria! This place is covered in manticores, dragons, and giraffes!”

“But you haven't heard what’s in it yet,” Berry rhythmically listing the ingredients.

“Sister, Dragon’s love doesn't even sound,” that ingredient repeated in Cheerilee’s head, dragon’s love, “Dragon’s love sounds like the best thing I’ve heard in my whole life. You know what?” Cheerilee bolted upstairs and in minutes returned with a three saddlebags of supplies, “Since I'm such a good, cheery sibling I’ll be happy to help you two. I wouldn’t want to see my sister’s funeral too soon would I?”

Berry snorted as she put on her saddle bag. “Yes you would. You just want my booze. That’s the only reason we ever talk.”

Cheerilee hummed as she rummaged through her living room dressers. “We’ll need weapons if we want to survive the Equestrian untamed-lands. Aha! Here it is.” Cheerilee pulled a protractor out of the dresser. The curved edge had been modified with a lethal blade while the straight edge was turned into a mouth grip. The best thing about it was that she could still measure angles! “I’ve been saving this confiscated protractor knife for years. You two will need something to use as well.”

“Oh, oh, I play tennis! I can beat monsters with a racket! And I was practicing healing magic too because of all the injuries that happen during mom’s parties.” Ruby brandished a racket Cheerilee had lying around and swung it like a sword.

Cheerilee pat the little unicorn’s head.“Good idea Ruby. You’re already more useful than your mother. The funny thing is, I just confiscated some metal spiked balls from Scootaloo yesterday. She said something about a ‘being uncannily convenient’ cutie mark.”

Berry stared at the beige bag Cheerilee had pulled out from her confiscation closet. “You have some weird kids.” She searched through her memory banks for anything that could be her own weapon. “Hmm, Twilight had something cool I can use to kill stuff with. Lets go.” Berry made sure to shut the door on Cheerilee's face as they left.
The three trotted it to the library. Cheerilee made a short stop at the mayor’s to fill her in on the early vacation. As they trudged up the hill they could see Twilight getting her mail from the town mail mare, Derpy. “Hey Twilight where’s the fancy gourd with the chain you had?”

“Of course you would swing a gourd around.” Cheerilee scoffed.

“Hi there Berry. Did you say gourd?” Twilight’s mumbled, trying to figure out whatever Berry was talking about. "Oh right that huge drinking gourd Celestia gave me. I really have no idea why she would send me something like that. Do you need it?”

“Yeah we’re going to kill monsters. We’re going on an adventure.” Ruby said. Berry struck a heroic warrior’s pose. Going on an adventure was starting to sound pretty kick ass even without the wine.

Derpy’s ears perked. “Killing monsters? Dinky does that all that time on her fantasy game. I miss my muffin when she’s with her daddy. Can I come too?”

“The more the merrier, Derpy!. Maybe Raindrops can cover for you.” Cheerilee said.

“Well it seems you’re forming quite the party, so I'll try not to hold you up. Spike, toss the gourd out the window! Berry needs a weapon!” Twilight called to her loyal dragon. After a few seconds a cheap wooden spear fell to the ground, almost skewering Cheerilee.

“So close.” Berry mumbled.

“Spike!” Twilight shouted.

Spike's popped out of the second floor window. “Sorry Twilight! We gave the gourd to Applejack, remember? So I thought a spear would be good. Actually… why do we have a spear anyway?”

“I thought it would come in handy one day,” Twilight mumbled, “You guys can keep the spear. Tell Applejack I said you may have the gourd. She'll understand.”

Derpy picked up the spear. “I know how to use one of these! Dinky uses this drag spoon character all the time.” She spun the spear in her hooves.

“Wow, Blondy’s pretty good at that.” Berry remarked.

“Why thank you. I practice a lot you know. As a mail mare I have to know twenty ways to kill a pony. I’m an expeeeeeerrrt!” Derpy’s spinning propelled her through the air, hurtling in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres.

“Follow her!” Berry yelled.

The others found Derpy crashed through one of applejack’s trees... rump first. “You okay, Blondy?” Berry asked as she tugged and pulled the pegasus’ head.

“Yeah I crash into things all the time. All part of being a mail mare.” Derpy popped out of the tree and landed with a stumbling three point dismount.

“What in tarnation is goin’ on over here?” Applejack and her cousin Braeburn were about ten trees away.

“Sorry Applejack. Derpy had a little trouble. Also, we’re here for a gourd Twilight gave you.” Cheerilee said.

“I’ve been using that thing for my personal cider. Y’all sure ya want it?” Applejack replied. The party nodded. “Fine then. Hey Braeburn! Help your cousin out and get that thing from the barn cellar.”

“Sure thing.” Braeburn saluted before cantering off to the the barn. Applejack tipped her hat to Berry and company before going back to farm work. About ten minutes later, Braebern dropped a large reddish-green gourd full of hard cider next to Berry. “Hope ya don’t mind the drink ma’am. What ya need this thing for anyways?”

Berry submerged her head in cider as Ruby handled the talking. “My mom needs it to kill monsters. We’re all going on a quest for the ultimate wine.”

“Ultimate wine? Then y’all should buys some of my sister’s apples. Ain’t no way y’all can make the best wine in the world without apples. Here let me get y’all folks a bushel.” Braeburn bucked the tree behind him. All the tree’s apples fell perfectly into crates underneath. “Here, y’all can have ‘em at a discount. Applejack’ll never know, two percent off!”

Cheerilee politely declined. “No thanks Mr. Braeburn. The recipe doesn’t call for any apples. See we’re looking for a particular set of ingredients." Cheerilee proceeded to list of the ingredients in song to the rhythm of the ABC's.

Braeburn laughed. “That’s just plain silly. What the hay is Shoo Bee Doo anyways?” His eyes dilated. That strange list of ingredients suddenly filled his every thought. Now nothing was more important than drinking this godly nectar. “Did you say ‘oranges’? Ya know, we have some orange farming relatives. How about I help? I can get free oranges from ‘em.”

Berry fell inside the now empty gourd. “Hell no! I’m already sharing this between my daughter, Blondy, and my sister who refuses to just die already. So why the hell should I share any with you,” she shouted, her voice echoing against the clay walls.

“I have a shotgun,” Braeburn said bluntly.

“That’s a good reason.” Berry wiggled her way out of the gourd like a worm. “Fine, get your gun and we’ll go. If I stick around any longer I’ll be taking the whole town with me.”

Breaburn called Apple Bloom from a distance. “Hey Apple Bloom, can you have my gun ready at the gate? Tell Applejack I’m cutting this visit short.”

"Whatever you want Braeburn,” Apple Bloom replied from the next acre over. After a few minutes of preparation the party lined up at the town exit. The whole group was eager and ready to rush out into the world.

Berry packed the gourd into her inventory. “Okay let’s get our asses in gear! For wine!”

“For wine!” the rest echoed. Berry took one step beyond the Ponyville limits.

“Waaaaaiiiiiiiiit!” Fluttershy landed in front of the party. The party looked at each other confused. “Um sorry, you really don’t have to wait. It’s just, it’s really dangerous out there. You should really use the save crystals Celestia placed all around Equestria. I can’t make you, but you really should. If something,” she gulped, “horrible were to happen the crystals would bring you back to the past. Twilight says these crystals really mess up the timestream so you shouldn’t use them too much. Except if you don’t use them, you’ll die, so you should use them a lot. Wait...sorry. I confused myself. The crystal is over there. Oh, and if you run into a lagobo could you please bring it back? I’d love to see one.” Fluttershy disappeared as suddenly as she appeared.

Berry walked over to the crystal.

Do you want to save your life?

Yes ->No

Berry laughed. “Saving is for wimps.” Berry obtained her third Ruby buck of the day. “Damn it, I’m going to start punishing you for that.”

“Mom, if Dinky taught me anything, it’s the cardinal rule. Save early, save often.” Ruby said.

“Yeah, Muffin always saves when she gets to a save point. She gets really upset when she forgets,” Derpy added.

“I’d really prefer not to die today, Sister.” Cheerilee said.

Braeburn scratched his chin. “I reckon it’s probably a good idea to save here. Starting over from three days ago would be mighty irritatin’ for me.”

“Shut up! Damn I hate the Berry-is-wrong game.” Berry tapped the crystal again.

Would you like to save your life?

->Yes No

Which file would you like to save in?