A new Colt in Town 2
I just hung there, gasping for breath. I had to do something desperate
"Lunestra Marie, let GO!"
I was unceremoniously dropped right on my plot.
Lu just stood there, stiff with shock, and actually crying
After I caught my breath though..."Woooooooooooonaaaaaaaaa!"
This time, the hug was hard and MUTUAL, with both of us sobbing unashamedly. We held each other for several minutes before I gave her a Noogie, little brother or not.
"Eep, Terry!"
I was grinning ear to ear. When I stopped, she gave me a look over, finally, and gasped.
"Terry, what happened to thy horn, and WINGS, and..."
"Shh, Lu...things have changed for ME, too. How long have you been back?"
"Um" she pawed the ground nervously "not long enough to sound like a normal pony, I guess"
"It’ll take time to update, Lu...it took me about 20 years to drop the royal we"
"Twen...How long have thee been here?"
" 'Hast thou been', my sister. Less than a century"
"But...why?"
I sighed, and took her hooves in mine "i left to become a better stallion, Lu. That damn Nobles Tia created, I could only put up with so much, then I...went volcano one day and..."
Lu just got this Oh manure look. I'd blown up like that only once before, and the offender was sitting in the statue garden until a few years ago. Tia caught him off guard and sealed him up afterwards, and we didn't talk about it.
I bowed my head "wish Ida got a chance to say goodbye that time, lu" i teared up. We hugged again, sniffling
A bit of time passed before I had the steadiness to finish
"It took me years to decide. Tia was just in a state after your little problems, so I just...decided to start over. I disguised myself and left. I think...that's what got Tia thinking. With BOTH of us gone..."
She smiled weakly 'You think you may have..."
"Helped Tia decide to let the elements cure you? Maybe..."
We just held hooves for a time
"What DID happen to your..."
"They’re still here, sis. I'm just Chocolate Flash, now"
"Chocolate?"
Her eyes lit up like a filly at Hearth's Warming time
That made me feel WAY better, that look.
"One of Tia's greatest creations, that plant. I make chocolates, now. I even remembered you"
"What do you mean?"
"i created something I call Moon Pies, cookies with a marshmallow between them, all dipped in chocolate, vanilla...i might even try Banana flavoring"
I thought I saw my own sister drooling
"Lu, you’re dribbling"
"huh?" she wiped her mouth, looked stunned, then laughed naturally, the first time I'd heard it in a millennium
"I just laughed with her "i missed you, Lu"
"I missed you too, baby brother"
* * * * * *
When I looked up at the moon, next, though, I almost panicked
"Manure...I hope they didn't lock up for the night"
"Who"?
"I'm working with Pinkie and the Cakes in Ponyville. Where else would a chocolateer go?"
"Pinkie Pie, that filly in the chicken suit on Nightmare Night?"
"I bet THAT was a shock, wasn't it"
"Indeed, we didn't know"
"Lu, you’re doing it again"
"Sorry"
"I think Pinkie knows, though"
"What, that your a..."
"Sweetie, talk to Uncle Loki. I think she's his great granddaughter"
She got this wry look. "That would explain a lot"
"Listen, Lu, I better get going back to my room, or Pinkie's gonna show up any second"
We hugged one last time, and I was prepping to use a speed burn. "Don’t tell Tia, kay?"
"W-why not"
I got an evil smirk "Call this overdue payback"
"You’re not still on about the time she put raisins in your breakfast oats?"
I HATE raisins!
"Thanks for the reminder" i made a face "no, this one's for you, sis" i pecked her one on the cheek "Sneak down some night. I'll sense it"
I took off at full speed, leaving a very bemused Lu behind
* * * * * *
It didn't take me that long to get back, OR for Pinkie to pop up, either
"Hiya Choccie, you’re late"
"I ran into somepony out there when I stopped for a breather"
"You mean Luna, dontchya. It probably wouldn't be anypony else"
I wasn't surprised one drop "I swear, sometimes, you talk straight to Uncle Loki" i said without thinking
"How do you think I know she's your sister, HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?" She leaned in, and gave me a knowing look
"Not a word, Pink, or I start calling you Diane again"
She threatened to grey out at that "You wouldn't dare"
"Cross my heart and hope to Fly (again), stick a cupcake in my eye"
Her eyes got HUGE when I used her OWN Pinkie Pie swear against her
"Who I really am is between you, me, and Lu until I decide to tell anypony, including the Elements. Is that CLEAR?"
She hung her head "Okey-dokey"
"Now, don't go Pinkamena on me. I got some great Ideas for the morning"
She brightened, and poofed right back up.
"What are ya gonna make Choccie? Isitgonnabe..."
We went into the house, Pinkie bouncing all the way.
There's a lot to be said about the first chapter, while I don't mean to come off as insulting here's a few things:
1) Does equestria even has buses?
2) Do you have glasses? I do, and they're expensive... getting a bunch of dust on them isn't really something that would set me off... might annoy me and make me clean them. Unless that bus was kicking rocks and one of them struck their glasses, I don't think most people would complain that much. Ask yourself if this bit is important to the story. That goes for fiction writing: If it doesn't develop a character, or it isn't directly important to the story... remove it.
3) What is a Chocolate Flash? As a suggestion try to come up with a character that has a name that describes itself, or has something meaningful.
4) Be consistent with paragraph spacing, you'll be driving your readers crazy. (For the record I didn't rate this fic)
5) Watch out for self insertion. To me this fic reeks of it. (How to spot a self insertion or Mary Sue OC: It has an odd colored muzzle)
Keep trying, take a look what other people have written. Try to find out what works, and what doesn't.
199690
I know it kinda sucks, i haven't written in 20 years, so I'm not only rusty, but have forgotten what little bit I was taught in lit class back in the early ninties
if i said the rest of what I wanted to say here, i'd be kicked out of here in a New York (or, in this case, Manehatten) minute. if you don't like it, don't read it. or wait for the non first person entries. THOSE i want all the opinions on I can get
199964 Some writers like CC, so I review. I was offering suggestions to help you improve. If i come off as sarcastic it's mainly to get the point across. Either way I won't give you any CC anymore, you're safe now.
200472
a first person noob piece :P
200346
it's a knee jerk reaction. been in too many communities that are made up of "you suck balls, come back when you've got a degree in it" professionals. in other words, trolls with a degree.
the rest of it I can take (i had people go over this before I came here) and they said the same thing. it was two words "Mary Sue" that set me off.