Stormface
Joined 15th Aug, 2012 ·
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Completed Story Compendium21,031 stories ·1,701 members
Miss Harshwhinny is Best Pony94 stories ·397 members
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Everypony is the Best Pony6,490 stories ·1,051 members
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well that was a new one and not bad if I do say so my self 7
out of 10
I'm actually pleased to see Miss Harshwhinny in a fanfic, don't see much of her in anything.
I actually enjoy reading this.
I want Moar!
The sex felt a bit short, but other than that I liked it.
....continue
This is interesting, but do not be afraid to slow the pace down a little to develop the story and go into more detail at times.
1.) awesomeness
2.) this could be good series but not a very long one unless you use a variety of ponies after finishing with ms harshwhinny or make up more scenarios for the harshwhinny story
3.) a word of advice would be that the sex scenes are somewhat short. try adding some detail to add length and depth but not so much detail that it becomes confusing and monotoned
p.s. nice story
You had my curiosity
Now you have my attention.
Liked and faved~
i.qkme.me/3smm2m.jpg
2716918 Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely use it. I was planning on keeping this a primarily "You" with Miss Harshwhinny thing but who knows.
Because she doesn't get enough love.
To keep yourself from blowing a hole through your boss, you think of nothing else but the most vile and disgusting things your mind could possibly come up with.
Dead babies, vomit porn, scat, Rarity, my 3rd grade math teacher... why is rarity on the disgusting list and keep the good work 7/10
Ah, That Scappo image...
(WARNING: explicit sexual discussion, and spoilers)
This is a pretty entertaining story for what it is — and major props for a story featuring the underappreciated sneering majesty that is Ms. H — but oh, gods, that first paragraph.
1) "The train's horn … started moving with a jerk." No it didn't, the train did.
2) In three sentences you flip back and forth between past and present tense four times. Most of your story is in present tense, so unless your narrator is having a flashback to past events, you need to stick with present tense verbs.
3) In three sentences you rush through three completely unrelated topics. I know you're trying to leap through exposition in order to establish the work situation and move on to the story, but a starting paragraph this disjointed and explainey is a big turn-off.
It does get better as it goes along, but the first impression you make is a really important one. I'd recommend going back and editing the start of the story to lead in more strongly, and push the exposition back a little until you've established your premise and given a little more of a teaser of what the story's genuinely about.
As for the sex scene, it isn't nearly as bad as you're afraid it is — and in fact you've got the core of something genuinely interesting beyond the simple mechanics of the act, namely, the mind games HW is playing. But it comes across as understated. You might want to consider kicking that up a notch. That it comes on so suddenly isn't bad — it fits in with the unexpected-discovery theme of the story (though it could be much more effectively foreshadowed by having her act in similar ways to the protagonist even before the sexing starts) — but it seems like it passes by so quickly that there's not much of a chance to explore the power play. In my head it seems like you could really dig into it if, say, you had her ride him until she got a quick orgasm to bring her own needs under control, and then once her head cleared a bit, decided to "thank" him by bringing him to the edge and holding him there, driving him nuts for release in the same way she's been going through, and using her much longer experience to give him a ride he won't ever forget.
Also: 2717672 This. Got a good laugh out of it.
Best,
H
2718880 Thank you very much for your input, as I've said I'm still new to this
:) this was a vary good read if ya know what i mean, joking aside it was all and all a good story and i hope there may be more
ahhh, I was hoping this would go on
You're new to writing clopfics?
Hell, I wouldn't have guessed. T'was very good imo, 8 out of 10, very good, but not perfect.
I thought this story was good and I thought the sex scene was fine. I don't really think the sex scene needs to be long and plus she was begging for so only makes sense that the sex scene needed to be short. By any chance can you do more with this story? I think you have something.
You should mention that you're using anthro characters. I was confused for a while, there.
2716186 You're just all over everything aren't you?
I thought it was funny, awesome and smexy. I'm not usually a fan of clop fic, but I won't complain if this became a small series
2724864 It says it clear-as-day right in the desc.
Do it man. Do it.
I have put my faith in you that you'll do it and this is all I have to say:
DON'T MAKE ME REGRET PUTTING MAH FAITH IN YOU SONNY! I'LL BEAT YUER SLIMEH ARSE INTO THE MOON WITH A SHOE STUCK UP IT!
*cough cough* I mean, please don't make me regret this man. I'd like to see this, it's pretty original.
Yes please YES!!!!!! I would love to see you continue this story.
go for it
Do eey. I thoroughly read it (
) and it is awesome. I read it and thought "Damn he must be experienced with clop". I know I would follow the story to the end.
2728990 ;_;
Can I have more ms harshwinny?
I do like the idea, but both of them need to change for better of or worse from it.
I wouldn't mind as long as you try for at least a semi story, or something. If it just you had Sex in XX way with miss Harshwhinny or you did it in XX place with miss harshwhinny then I think you do better aiming for something else or doing something else. as for a small series of Pure clop is kinda dry to read.
Keep In mind I'm not a big fan of "2nd" person as I feel it not a real thing. With that said I took the time to view this for the simple fact it was miss harshwhinny based story.
So If you plan to make it like 80% story/20% clop based sub series based of this one shot then I say go for it
but if you just going to do Pure clop then Id say skip it
2729010 That's what I plan on doing. A story with clop, not clop with story.
Sorry I was so harsh.
As I've said on my page, I live on the West Coast in the U.S. and even though I'm a night person, I get kinda crazy the later I stay up.
So I say again, but this time with the true words:
Sleepy DJ is CRAZY DJ.
That being so, I still don't like upsetting people. Sorry if I did upset you, btw. Spent a little too much time playing on Halo Reach in firefight mode with my friends. Kinda got my violence switch stuck in sorta off but not enough to be fully off or on.
Meesa so strange. <3>
I also don't mind if you hate me for all eternity for what I said. Honestly, I shouldn't have said it in the first place and, well, kinda went insane in the wrong sense of the meaning....... again, still sorry.....
2729056 Dude are you high?
2729069
Nope, juuuuust slightly insane.
Yes Please.
Bing!
>>Check notifications
<<New chapter of Harsh
YES!!!!
><Sits down with a bowl of chicken and dumplings, a cup of ginger ale, and a bottle of Snapple in preparation to read
>>Special Note
Oh, I see where this might go.
<<Loads page
>>Isn't a chapter
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly3u5rXkxW1qmljor.gif
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxibziK0am1qjxl1no1_500.gif
It'd be better for your health if you ignore me when I act like a crazy lunatic bent on sending everyone and their families to the moons of Jupiter. Just go with it and everything will be fine.
More than likely you'll end up keeping your sanity.
2729174
I'm like what would happen if Pinkie were to actually break the forth wall so much that she ended up here in the real world.
Yes...
Yes plz this is good
Sounds like a plan you should do it.
2728930
...how in the hell did I miss that?
Please do it
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/260/705/d99.jpg
2729077
That's the best kind of high!
please, do continue :D
Well, that was, different...
i think EVERYONE wants more of this, man
Yes, this is exactly what you should do.
Do it.