well that was a new one and not bad if I do say so my self 7 out of 10

I'm actually pleased to see Miss Harshwhinny in a fanfic, don't see much of her in anything.

I actually enjoy reading this.

I want Moar!

The sex felt a bit short, but other than that I liked it.

....continue

This is interesting, but do not be afraid to slow the pace down a little to develop the story and go into more detail at times.

1.) wat am I doing with my life ;_;

2.) I feel like this could turn into a series of short-stories, maybe.

3.) I'm still new to the whole pone sex thing so I would appreciate some constructive criticism.

1.) awesomeness
2.) this could be good series but not a very long one unless you use a variety of ponies after finishing with ms harshwhinny or make up more scenarios for the harshwhinny story
3.) a word of advice would be that the sex scenes are somewhat short. try adding some detail to add length and depth but not so much detail that it becomes confusing and monotoned

p.s. nice story

You had my curiosity
Now you have my attention.
Liked and faved~

i.qkme.me/3smm2m.jpg

2716918 Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely use it. I was planning on keeping this a primarily "You" with Miss Harshwhinny thing but who knows.

Because she doesn't get enough love.

To keep yourself from blowing a hole through your boss, you think of nothing else but the most vile and disgusting things your mind could possibly come up with.
Dead babies, vomit porn, scat, Rarity, my 3rd grade math teacher... why is rarity on the disgusting list and keep the good work 7/10

Ah, That Scappo image...

(WARNING: explicit sexual discussion, and spoilers)

This is a pretty entertaining story for what it is — and major props for a story featuring the underappreciated sneering majesty that is Ms. H — but oh, gods, that first paragraph.

The train's horn roared deeply and started moving with a jerk. You pat your filled stomach with a contented sigh, lunch was amazing. It's the summer of junior year and you're working, completely lame right?

1) "The train's horn … started moving with a jerk." No it didn't, the train did.
2) In three sentences you flip back and forth between past and present tense four times. Most of your story is in present tense, so unless your narrator is having a flashback to past events, you need to stick with present tense verbs.
3) In three sentences you rush through three completely unrelated topics. I know you're trying to leap through exposition in order to establish the work situation and move on to the story, but a starting paragraph this disjointed and explainey is a big turn-off.

It does get better as it goes along, but the first impression you make is a really important one. I'd recommend going back and editing the start of the story to lead in more strongly, and push the exposition back a little until you've established your premise and given a little more of a teaser of what the story's genuinely about.

As for the sex scene, it isn't nearly as bad as you're afraid it is — and in fact you've got the core of something genuinely interesting beyond the simple mechanics of the act, namely, the mind games HW is playing. But it comes across as understated. You might want to consider kicking that up a notch. That it comes on so suddenly isn't bad — it fits in with the unexpected-discovery theme of the story (though it could be much more effectively foreshadowed by having her act in similar ways to the protagonist even before the sexing starts) — but it seems like it passes by so quickly that there's not much of a chance to explore the power play. In my head it seems like you could really dig into it if, say, you had her ride him until she got a quick orgasm to bring her own needs under control, and then once her head cleared a bit, decided to "thank" him by bringing him to the edge and holding him there, driving him nuts for release in the same way she's been going through, and using her much longer experience to give him a ride he won't ever forget.

Also: 2717672 This. Got a good laugh out of it.

Best,

H

2718880 Thank you very much for your input, as I've said I'm still new to this

:) this was a vary good read if ya know what i mean, joking aside it was all and all a good story and i hope there may be more

ahhh, I was hoping this would go on

You're new to writing clopfics?
Hell, I wouldn't have guessed. T'was very good imo, 8 out of 10, very good, but not perfect.

I thought this story was good and I thought the sex scene was fine. I don't really think the sex scene needs to be long and plus she was begging for so only makes sense that the sex scene needed to be short. By any chance can you do more with this story? I think you have something.

You should mention that you're using anthro characters. I was confused for a while, there.

2716186 You're just all over everything aren't you?

I thought it was funny, awesome and smexy. I'm not usually a fan of clop fic, but I won't complain if this became a small series

2724864 It says it clear-as-day right in the desc.

Well, that was, different...

I need more Harshwhinny.

BUCKING AWESOOOOMEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Must. . . have. . . MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

you think of nothing else but the most vile and disgusting things your mind could possibly come up with.
Dead babies, vomit porn, scat, Rarity, my 3rd grade math teacher...

...

...

...

...Well played.

I read this and I say this clip fic is really good. 8/10 impressive, I must say.

More would be nice.

DAMN YOU CLIFFHANGERS!

Is it wrong to admit that I thought this to be kind of hot? Because if it is, I don't want to be right.

This fiction. I needed it.

All my yes.

Clop...
Clop...
Clop...me gusta.

2796255 Yes indeed

2796255 Yes indeed

Lets go round twoooooooooooooooo 'gasp' ooooooooo

sheesh. the mares are really assertive to get what they want.......i kinda like it. It give the story a nice twist to it. Oh and thumbs up for an awesome story.

Some quite funny humor in there. Wish you had eleborated on the visit to the parents.

As to making this into a multi chapter story, that sounds awesome if you do, but hey, your choice.

2.) I feel like this could turn into a series of short-stories, maybe.

YE34S

Great story! Loved almost every bit of it! The only thing that was missing was a thorough description of Ms. Harshwhinny's curves! You know... lithe waist, well proportionate slightly floppy breasts... only more refined in describing...

Is estrus really that bad? Who knows? You're a guy. You have a penis.

That was simple and funny

This was also a good read

The work on this fic is awesome in epic proportions.

this was...interesting, but I felt the sex was way too short and lacked descriptions.
Still, have a thumbs-up, because it is still good.

4392539
I very much agree, for a clopfic it was to short in certain area's however, it was pretty good.

Nice story, but I found a very minor thing that you may want to edit.

The day went by incredibly fast, leaving an extra four hours of time to goof of and relax before having to board the train once more.

2.) I feel like this could turn into a series of short-stories, maybe.

yes that be enjoyable

stay classy

You have to stop yourself from gasping. The Milk-Mare's rack was gargantuan. Both bigger than your head. Gotta be natural H-cups.

I could just visualise that, those massive hooters being held back by a tight v-neck sweater distracting you with the most inviting looking cleavage, and before meeting up Milky forgot to "milk" herself and steals you from Ms. Harshwhinny for some "help".

This is a very hot story so far I cant wait for the next chapter.

Very nice I give you 9 out of ten

Your new to this? Well, 10/10 this shit, its pretty damn good for a beginner!

The front pic scared the crap out of me. Gotta change the way you lookin' at me, darlin'. Lol