• Member Since 3rd May, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 12th, 2017

Brosparkles


A bro, who sparkles.

T
Source

Would you risk everything you've ever known, for a shot at something better? 3 young ponies, sealed away from the world deep within a geo-thermal shelter decide to head out for some fun and excitement. But this world isn't safe for them anymore. Has light M/M shipping.

Chapters (11)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 16 )
Comment posted by Brosparkles deleted Jan 27th, 2014

Interesting, perhaps the writing could be better, a good editor would help, but, the basics behind the story seem to fit well.
A few ideas, give some more feeling for your main characters, give them a reason, other than just being missbehaving kids to be out and doing something. Give them some background, like have the one that figured out how to fire up the train having been into reading, and picked up the knowladge of how to operate the train from them. A train is a large complex machine. Even a simple one. A couple kids would not figure out how to fire up a steam engine and get it running so quick, no matter how smart thay where. Even if you alow them an easy figure on getting the boiler fired up, theres a lot more to getting it moving than that. ALso, it takes hours to get a good head of steam up, to get the thing moving.
Sorry if I got a litle ranty about that, but, its too basic a flaw not to point out. A serious issue one has to watch for when writing, is giving your chars an easy out every time. You do not need to go into all the details, but, you should give something to indicate that thay where not given everything thay need when thay need it.

2491721 Thanks for the feedback! I do plan to go into why they left, and yes, Aqua knows a lot about machinery. He learned about trains from a train worker who fled to the shelter. I know that my current motivation for them leaving (Sol's desire for a better world, which he sees in Luna.) is a little weak, but I'll be putting more into it soon. As for the train, I admit to both knowing very little about trains and also using it as a device to move them to Canterlot.

Thanks,
Brosparkles. :eeyup:

2491792
Thats pretty common really, a lot of people have little real information about the tech that thay include ion there storys, still, there are good ways to go around that issue. One of the easyist, is to express time and effert after the fact persay, a comment, just as thay managed to get the train to move, "Good thing you paid attention to that old pony that worked in the railroads before, I am not sure we would ever have figured this beast out without that information." Doing it that way, you could actualy run the whole thing with no knowladge of how an engine works, never mind the need to feed the boiler and the whole lot. You see it a lot in scifi, folks tend not to want to get into details of how there FTL drives work

It is an interesting story so far, but I think I may want to wait a few more chapters before giving an opinion. I can't wait to see how these three are going to interact with this really large Spike. He definitely sounds like he's going to be advisory, as opposed to his self in the show.

2492205 The difference mostly came from Rarity. She would have wanted him to help.

Loving it so far, definitely a few mistakes here and there. Seems interesting enough to keep me reading for the moment, good luck!
~Zonal

2494737 Would you mind pointing out those mistakes so I could fix them?

>> Brosparkles
Will do, just give me a day for when I'm on the computer.

Comment posted by Brosparkles deleted May 16th, 2013

100 views! Woo-Hoo! :yay:

Comment posted by Brosparkles deleted Jun 18th, 2013

:rainbowderp: curiouser and curiouser...

Comment posted by Brosparkles deleted Jun 25th, 2013

Chapter: Into the Pit is the old one+New one so that I don't have tons of little chapters

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!