23 - The lovely wedding - pt 2
For a moment, our eyes met across the dance floor. Her perfect rose eyes widened in shock and horror as Applejack pulled away. ‘Dash...’ She looked at me, cheeks amaranthine, her face a controlled explosion, wings erect in anger. I mouthed ‘sorry’ again, pushing past Applejack, hoping beyond hope she wouldn’t kill me. It’s telling I wasn’t worried about Big Macintosh, who I noticed also looked rather pissed off, but I wasn’t sure at who.
Dash came towards me at a canter and whispered loudly, “Alex Roberts, what do you think you’re doing? Did I just see what I thought I saw?”
Applejack started putting herself between me and Dash, but I shoved her out of the way. She didn’t offer any resistance. “No, it wasn’t. Now, let's just sit down and discuss what happened. Let’s sort this out.”
“Ya, we should.” She turned her head and scowled, “Applejack, you’re coming with me. We need to talk. Outside.”
Applejack scowled back, “You bet, sugarcube. Let's go talk.”
I called after them, “Guys, you’re loaded. Don’t do anything stupid.”
Dash turned her head and snarled at me, “Stay out of this. It’s not your problem.”
I looked on as they walked out, side by side, fake smiles plastered on their faces. I went back to the table and pleaded with Big Macintosh, “Mac, I’m at a double disadvantage here. I’ve never been in this situation before, not even back where I come from, and I still don’t understand how ponies tick. What should I do?”
Mac thought for a moment, then gave that almost smile, “I think we should get out there and make sure they don’t kill each other.”
“Agreed. I’ll go first. They won’t kill me. I hope.”
As I walked past our table, I grabbed the remaining full shot glass and downed it. ‘Liquid courage, don’t accept any substitute.’ Mac took his position as my wingman, and we headed out into the cool night air.
The girls were beside the well in the town square for privacy. By the time we got there, they were arguing loudly.
“AJ, you’re my friend. How could you? We already agreed he was mine.”
“RD, I never said I wouldn’t let him know I was still interested! And if this one goes like your past relationships, he’ll leave you in a season. You drive them all away with your temper tantrums, with your clinging to him like glue, and with your petty jealousy. And when he leaves, he’ll come to me because he loves me.”
“Like a sister! You know he can’t feel that way about you. Anyway, he got advice from Luna herself, and he loves me. And for the first time in my life, someone who’s kind and decent and not looking for a one-night stand loves me. Me!”
They stood, muzzle to muzzle, mouths distorted in almost savage snarls.
“Dash! Applejack! Simmer down the two of you. You’ve both had too much and-”
Dash turned her full rage onto me, “She kissed you, Alex. She. Kissed. You.”
“Dash, it wasn’t a big deal.” I realized how stupid my statement was as it came out of my mouth.
“Wasn’t a big deal? How would you feel if I did this.” Dash strode over to Mac, put a hoof on each side of his face and kissed him deeply.
I blinked several times, my mind in a state of shock. My first coherent but stupid thought was, ‘I’ll kill Big Mac.’
My next thought, realizing my first thought was impractical, was, ‘I’ll kiss Applejack! That’ll show Dash.’
My third thought, kicking the first two thoughts out of the way, was the one I went with: ‘She’s drunk, Applejack’s drunk, hell, I’m a little drunk too. We should all just forget it.’
Big Mac just stood stiffly, eyes darting from me to Dash, finally resting on me with a faint smile and an apologetic expression.
“Well?” Dash’s expression was both angry and pleading. Her eyes had tears forming, “Aren't you going to do anything?”
I fought to keep my face neutral, “No, because you’ve had too much salt. Yes, it bothers me, but at least you picked a class act for it. I know he won’t take advantage of a drunken mare. And for the record, Applejack kissed me, I didn’t kiss her. It didn’t mean anything to me. In fact, my first thought was of you. I’m sorry I was too slow to stop it.”
Dash turned to Applejack, who was looking sad and a little embarrassed, “You hear that AJ? Alex is mine.” She grabs me and gives me a long, sloppy kiss, then turns back to Applejack, “He’s all mine. Keep your hooves off him. You can have any stallion you want, and you know it. Just,” her voice got quiet and her expression pleading, “just, go find your own Alex, please.”
After a moment of silence, I knelt down and hugged Dash. When I broke the hug, I smiled and said, “Okay! Let’s all head back in, smiles and sunshine, and let's all chalk it up to too much salt all around. Applejack, you and Dash come over to my place tomorrow for lunch, and we’ll settle this once and for all. Mac, I’m sorry you got caught in the crossfire.”
They all stood there, just looking at me. “Allons-y!” I yelled. When they continued to look at me in slack-jawed surprise, I pointed to the town hall, “On décolle!” I facepalmed, realizing I was speaking in Quebec French slang, “Just get back in before we make more of a scene.” I realized how upset and tipsy I was, ‘I haven’t spoken French in a while. Tabarnak, it always happens when I’m drinking and under stress.’
We went back in, Mac and I leading the pack and the girls following sheepishly. Once we were all back at the table, I brought them all a round of unsalted drinks. That came with another round of uncomfortable silence. The music slowed again, “Dash,” I put my arm around her, “come here. You’re dancing with me.”
She pouted, “Alex, not now.”
“Hey, just because you had too much isn’t my problem. I want to dance with an angel, and you, my dear, are the only one who fits the bill.” I led her out to the dance floor and helped her up. She was a little wobbly, but I kept her steady.
“Dash, Applejack just gave me a drunk kiss. I’m sure when she sobers up, she’ll feel as bad about it as you will about the kiss you gave Mac.”
“I don’t know why I did it.” Dash had a heartbreaking expression of sadness, tears welling up in her eyes.
I sighed, “It was Mr Salt. I’ve already forgiven you, and I’m not worrying about it. Now, in the meantime, I want you to promise to be nice to Applejack, okay?” Dash sniffed and nodded. “She’s your friend, and she just did something stupid tonight. I want you to know there is no way she will ever get me. She’s a friend, a sister, but nothing else. You are the one I think about, day and night,” I smiled, “even when boxing.”
Dash snorted and laughed, then snuggled into my neck. “I so want to be with you right now.”
“Dash, not only are we too new as a couple, but you’re drunk off your flank. I don’t want to take advantage. It wouldn’t be right.”
Dash held me tight for a few moments, then spoke in my ear, “You know, everyone else I’ve been with wanted to buck me as soon as they could.” She pulled away and seemed to be examining my face. “You’re the first who didn’t take me up on the offer, you know that?”
“I just want to treat you right, like you deserve to be treated.” I smiled and pulled her closer. We just held each other, keeping ourselves close for the remainder of the song. As the song ended I whispered, “You’re stuck with me, no matter what.” into her ear. Dash pulled away and had a happy and hopeful expression.
As we went back to the table, instead of more music, I heard the smooth voice of DJ-P0N3, “Alright, all you happy party ponies, now is the time I always have the most fun at every reception, the opening of the gifts.” This was followed by much stomping from the crowd.
I glanced at the table. Applejack had a crestfallen expression, and Mac was rubbing her back. They were not even looking in our direction. ‘Thank Luna for small favours.’ I brightened up, “Well, Dash, you up to coming with me?”
“You know it. Just,” Dash wobbled a little, “keep me from falling over, please.”
I had to smile, ‘She’s damn cute when she’s drunk. Except for the jealous rages. Those are frightening.’
We waited at the front of the crowd while Derpy and Caramel picked up and unwrapped gifts. There was oh-ing and ah-ing as they were opened.
I smiled when Derpy picked up the gift from Dash and me. She looked at the exquisitely carved box with a little confusion. I stepped forward and took the box from her hooves. “Derpy, Caramel, this gift from Rainbow Dash and I requires a little explanation. It’s a very old tradition where I come from to give this gift to a newlywed couple. Some even say it’s a decidedly human kind of magic, a blessing, if you will. The giver is usually an older family member, and since I’m an official Apple, I took the initiative, cousin Caramel.” There was some laughter from the other guests. I opened the box, showing them the simple bun, candle, and cloth bag.
“First, the bun. It represents our blessing that you have plenty of worldly goods. I think you’ll do just fine.” There was a murmur of agreement, and Dash snickered with the knowledge of one of the humble-looking gifts.
“Second, the candle. It represents our blessing that you always have warmth and light in your relationship. I’m not worried. Even a blind person can see you two have plenty of that in yours.” Dash put her head on my shoulder, making me smile.
“Third, a bag of salt.” There were some chuckles in the crowd. “This is our blessing that you always have a little spice between yourselves. But not too much.” More chuckles in the crowd, including Dash.
“And finally, the beautiful box that holds these symbols. It represents your beautiful marriage containing these blessings. Please accept this gift and our blessings that you will have a happy life together.”
Derpy carefully took the box and placed it beside her. “Thank you so much, Alex Roberts and Rainbow Dash. We appreciate the magic used to create and give the gift.”
Dash smiled and added, “Wait till you see the little anonymous one. This big lug didn't want to tell you. He was so shy.” She kissed me on the cheek.
“Anonymous gifts are a human tradition. I see a few of them, so you'll never know which was mine,” I smirked.
The gift opening continued, 'Wow, these two are sure loved. There are so many thoughtful gifts. Everything they needed to start two new homes.' When they opened the anonymous little envelope, it caused a commotion.
“Told ya they would like it. Now, come here, you big ape.” I went to a knee, and Dash whispered something in my ear. I blushed.
“Dash, not while you're drunk. But as soon as you're sober.” We snickered like two teenagers.
Soon, there were only a few gifts left. Derpy took an elaborately wrapped box. Everyone ooh-ed and ah-ed, and with encouragement from the crowd, Derpy opened it.
When the lid was opened, the sides fell away to reveal the contents. There were gasps, a few angry curses, including my own, and then silence. Derpy started to cry. Caramel's expression became hard. In the box, on a little pedestal, was a broken feather duster with a tag saying,
To Caramel the Race Traitor
From Real Earth Ponies
Here's your retarded feather duster.
How could anyone do this? What would possess someone to ruin this day, especially for two wonderful ponies like them? I didn't realize it was possible for Dash to look even angrier than when AJ kissed me.
I shrugged, 'It's not like they'll ever know for sure about human marriage traditions.' I kneeled in front of the shocked couple and faked my sincerest smile, “Not that I did this, but someone pulled another human tradition. Do you mind if I take this upfront? No? Great!”
I started walking quickly to the stage with the box under my arm. 'I have to say something, but what? Damn, that stage is getting closer.' I reached the stage and whispered a few words to Vinyl Scratch. I still had no idea what I was going to say. The music stopped, I tapped the microphone, and heads turned.
In my best theatrical voice, “Ladies and gentlecolts! Tonight, some pony has given us a gift that, while seeming to be an unholy abomination, has actually become a wonderful opportunity for us all!”
The sea of faces looked at me questioningly. ‘Here goes nothing except bull pucky,’ I desperately thought. “There is a marriage tradition in my culture called 'The Cleansing Flame'. In this tradition, we take an offending object and place all of our hate, anger, rage, and negative emotions into the object. Then, you burn that object to symbolize all your negative emotions being cleansed by the fire. If anything, we should be grateful to that anonymous gift giver for that abomination of a gift. They have allowed us to love and tolerate them, no matter what."
"So, if the lovely bride, groom, and Dinky will please join me, I'll show you all how to do it!” It only took them a few moments to get to the stage. Once they were on the stage so everyone could see, I grabbed the box, contorted my face in rage, and screamed at the feather duster. Then, I put it back down, smiled, and said, “There! Now, all my bad emotions are locked away in that thing. I think the bride, groom, and daughter should be next.”
Derpy, Caramel, and Dinky hoof in hoof all yelled at the feather duster. Then, when they were done, they looked at each other and giggled.
“Alright! Now, everybody, let’s form an orderly line. Everybody gets a chance.”
A tipsy Applejack, eyes red from what I guessed were tears, walked up, looked at me for a long moment, and then yelled at the feather duster. Right behind her was Dash, who looked at Applejack for a moment, glanced at me, and then yelled. Soon, everyone was lining up for a chance. Even Big Macintosh roared, vibrating a few nails off the walls.
“Is that everyone? No one else?” I called out. Even the foals got into it, 'This is going better than I thought.' “Everyone, follow me!” I bellowed out while picking up the box. I marched with exaggerated movements and led everyone to the front of the building. “Now that all our hate, anger and sorrow is in this garbage, let the cleansing begin!” I placed the box on a patch of gravel and looked around. The only unicorn I cared about was Dinky.
I went to my knee and motioned her to come closer. “Dinky, do you think you could put some sparks on that box and make it catch fire?”
She answered hesitantly, “I think so.” Her little face screwed up in concentration, and her horn began to glow. Suddenly a stream of sparks was shooting from her horn onto the offending package. She continued for a few seconds and stopped, panting. I carefully blew on the smouldering package, and in a few moments, a flame started growing. Once I was sure it was good and caught, I stepped back.
At first, everyone watched the burning package, lost in their own thoughts. Dash leaned beside me. Dinky cried out, “Goodbye, bad feelings! See ya never!” Soon enough, everyone joined in.
After the box burned to ashes, the crowd returned to the hall. Dash and I lingered behind, just happy being close to each other. I looked around for Applejack or Macintosh but saw no sign of them. I felt the grip of sadness and guilt enveloping my heart with its icy fingers. Once again, I was the cause of pain for someone else, someone I cared about. Once we were alone, I knelt down, and Dash held me. “Why did she have to do it?” I sighed. “Why couldn’t she understand it’s you I want to be with? I hurt her. And now, because of me, you guys are fighting.”
Dash put her cheek against mine, “You dope. Me and AJ fight over everything. This is no different, and anyway, she’s just sore that I won. If it makes you feel better, what you did with that garbage gift was awesome. My knight in shining armour, redeeming everything in sight.”
I just held her tighter, thankful for her presence. Once I pulled myself together, I gave her a final squeeze. “Sorry about that. I just needed to get that out. All the smiles and sunshine were getting to me.”
She put a hoof on my cheek and smiled, “It’s okay. I’m here for you, you big lug.”
I kissed her tenderly. “Now, my lovely angel, if you'll excuse me, I have a little errand to run. I’ll be back in an hour, an hour and a half at most.” I saw the distressed expression on her face, “Don’t worry. I’m being a good boy.”
“Define ‘good’.”
I blame the idea on the booze. I had had just enough to be stupid but not enough to be disabled. In retrospect, I would not have followed through if I had had just two more shooters.
My normal light jog takes me about twenty or thirty minutes from the house to downtown Ponyville. Running flat out, I made it in ten minutes. Once home, I opened the package from Elusive, that ninja costume. I was confident it would fit like a glove, and it did.
I grabbed my knife, ‘STEALTH. SPARRING.’. I wasn’t that stupid. It took me about twenty minutes to get to my destination while staying in the shadows and avoiding random ponies.
One thing I can say about Equestria is that their security is crap. The back fence was only about 180cm high and made of stone: plenty to stop a pony, but nothing for me. There were no guards, no security systems as far as I could tell, not even anything sharp at the top of the fence. ‘Pathetic piece of garbage.’
The house was a very large three-story mansion. In the backyard, I could see many bushes and one light on in the lower part of the house. There was what looked like a pony-sized shape in that window. I crept closer. ‘Yes!’ The objective of this little exercise himself was sitting at a desk, his back to the window and very close. The bottom of the window was about one meter from the ground, ‘That will make this easier.’ As I got closer, the room seemed empty, except for him.
Skills honed from dire necessity did the work with almost no thought on my part. ‘SPARRING GARROTT.’ The blade thinned to a ribbon while a second handle formed at the end. In a single swift motion, I slipped the business end over his head and to his throat. The ribbon widened, distributing the pressure and preventing harm. I leaned in and started my soliloquy.
“Golden Coins, what I'm holding against your precious neck is an Imperial Pattern One Two Seven Nine Combat Knife with Mental Controls and Polymorphic Enhancement. You will notice that your head-” He started to struggle, and through gritted teeth, I ordered him, “DON'T MOVE!” I continued in a friendly tone, “Your head is still firmly attached to your neck. That's because it's in a non-lethal mode. The blade is dull, or in this case, a ribbon instead of a wire. One mental command from me-” he started struggling again, and I ordered him again, “I SAID DON'T MOVE! One command and it will be sharper than a razor blade that can cut through steel. You are much softer than steel.” Coins stopped struggling and, based on the smell, had wet himself.
“Is this about the money? I can have it transferred back in-” I interrupted him.
“It’s not about the God damned money. You were playing the game, and you won fair and square. This is about you breaking the rules of the game. Just to refresh your feeble mind, here are the rules. One, I am your only opponent. Two, you only attack me. Friends, family, and employees are out of bounds. Three, children are always out of bounds under any circumstance. Four, you never cripple your opponent physically, mentally, or financially. Nod, if you understand, you pompous piece of shit.” He nods his head slowly.
“Good. Now, you broke the rules. You attacked my family twice. The Apples are out of bounds, as are the Elements of Harmony. As is Derpy Hooves. Nod if you understand.” Again, Coins nods.
“Good boy. Lucky for you, I was able to turn things around with that feather duster thing.”
His eyes widened in surprise, and he managed, “How did you know?”
“I didn’t until just now. So, if you want to play the game man to pony, say yes. If you don’t want to play the game, say no. Just remember that I follow the rules of the game, but only if I'm playing.”
Coins was silent for a long time, at least a full minute, before finally nodding.
“Excellent! Now, I'm willing to bet that you're thinking that you'll contact the Royal Guard as soon as I'm out of sight. And I would say that's the smart thing to do. However, you will find a reception hall full of people who will swear I was there all night. I wonder how that will pan out.” I leaned forward so I was speaking directly in his ear. “Just remember that I'm not an Element of Harmony, and I will lie, cheat, and steal to protect those around me. However, I was appointed a Paladin of Redemption by Luna herself, and I hope this is the first step in your redemption.”
‘SPARRING KNIFE’. Golden Coins coughed, regaining his breath. “Now that we have an understanding, Coins, I bid you goodnight.” I took off and was fairly sure he didn’t see me leave. I made my way back home to change and rejoin the reception.
Dash greeted me with a look that said, ‘I’m very upset with you, but you’re lucky there are witnesses.’ “Where the hay have you been?”
“I had to go to the bathroom?” I lied.
She cocked an eyebrow. “Eye twitch,” she said flatly.
“I had a cathartic experience?” I grinned innocently.
“I'll buy that, for now.” She smiled. “Now, let's go party!”
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Golden Coins got what he deserved!
Well done and I can't wait for another chapter!
Golden Coins is an asshole
AWWWWWW YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
I so hope that Alex would cheat him to get his fortune back.
Nothing like getting back at the asshole who piss you off in
many ways. Hear hear to the game.
F*** Yeah Alex
God damn I want that knife.
awesome!
and Coins you better watch yourself
I wanted him to beat some sense gold coins. Still a good outcome.
... now I have to wait again
NInjas Don't have to explain
408192 No he didn't. His head is still firmly attached to his body.
and based on the smell, had wet himself.
408396
He is not a human in Equestria, he is a Chuck Norris is Equestria.
Hah, nice job Alex.
wait..... did I really see some QUEBEC slang in here? did you just take some lessons from someone/some site else or are you from Quebec?
408642
Well, I was born in Quebec, my parents are both french (Mom is from Montreal, Dad is from a tiny Acadian village in New Brunswick), and I'm bi-lingual, self identifying as Francophone. However, most of my education was English, so my written French is not that great. Thank goodness for Google Translate.
408726
nice.... I thought I was the only one from Quebec on this site lol
though in my case, my education was mainly in french.... I prefer english....
Paladin of Redemption my flank.
More like Champion of Kick-Ass
..........im satisfied with gold coins due, but really Alex should of took his money back as compensation of pain and suffering by proxy, he has good intentions with that money n no dickhead has the right to screw with that.................
.....
.....feel free to carry on with the awesome. 
Alex should totally fill a bag with some of Golden Coins's own money and beat him senseless with it.
Not a very smart move leaving him alive when he had the perfect chance, he's just asking for trouble.
Dear Princess Celestia;
Gold Coins tricked me out of my money, threatened my friend, then attempted to ruin a wedding. At first I was like:
. And then I am like, "fuck it, knife." I think he's going to leave everypony alone from now on. 
AmIdoinitright? 
I guess only time will tell if Gold Coins steers clear of Alex and everyone surrounding him from now on or escalates this. Also, not sure how putting a knife to his throat will lead Coins to redemption, unless Coins is the type who respects people pulling ballzy stuff to make a point. But I guess someone had to give Coins a reality check that if he keeps pushing people too far, someone will push back even harder.
You know to this day I've never gotten a translation of "tabarnak" although it is one of the more common french words I hear, lol.
For the record the most interesting translation of it has been something to do with burning churches, but it's always a curseword.
Also thanks for the explaination on the gift, good work waiting until the perfect time to explain it. Now on to AJ's side of things... Dis gunna be gud
409223
Ah, 'tabarnak', my favorite swear word. English people who don't know don't know don't realize it's like saying 'f*ck'. The best translation / explanation is it's like saying 'by the tabernacle', basically the thing you use to carry the holy word of God around (like the Arc of the Covenant).
I always found it interesting that English swear words tend to focus on sex and the body, while French swear words focus on religious themes. Just shows what each culture is uptight about.
409575 Fun fact, alot of german insults revolve around animals. He's two translated ones that I remember.
"dumb/stupid cow"
"pighound"
How adult these are I don't know but my ex was german an I learned some german from her
But yeah one of my coworkers has a friend who has a mother that uses 'tabarnak' every other word, especially when addressing her son.
409888
Colis de tabarnak, il faut arreter de sacre.
Bah. I can say it, but can't write it.
410046 Meh, still better then mine. Southern Ontario doesn't have very many francophones in it... Canada, the one country in the world where french isn't "the most romantic language"
Also that sounds wonderfully smooth and insulting when I try and say it
Alex you wonderful person, turning bad situations into good ones
The mechanics of a human and pony kissing (or even more than that) is something I'd rather not imagine. But the story is still enjoyable, so I'll continue reading ;)
418254
I promise you, gentle reader, all physical contact will be discussed in general terms only. Details will be left to the imagination of the reader. Mine kind of breaks, to be honest. While there is nothing wrong with clop, this story is not it.
However, I do want to thank you for reading and I hope my little tale continues to be a fun read.
One sitting. Almost three hours... I am now am better person having read this. I would like to see more, though. Don't disappoint me.
Any vague estimates on the next chapter, pwease? Moar is needed.
424698
425611
I try to update weekly. Depending on real life stuff, it could be faster, could be slower, but it's weekly on average.
I have the sudden urge to blurt out mean things about Golden Coins, and to explain why Alex didn't take his money back to everyone who asked, but either way, reading this chapter a second time revealed that it was just as good as the first time.
425880 Hell, I'm willing to wait. This is probably one of my favorite stories I've read on here. I applaud you, good sir. Keep up the good work.
I am certain I have read this before, but I have no idea when or where I read this. Oh well, totally worth reading again. Looking forward to more.
435778
Yes, 2 to 6 weeks at home and anywhere from a month to ~10 years (aside from Equestria).
I blinked several times, my mind in a state of shock. My first coherent, but stupid, thought was, ‘I’ll kill Big Mac.’
My next thought, realizing my first thought was impractical, was, ‘I’ll kiss Applejack! That’ll show Dash.’
I said, out loud, "oh dear god." when I read this
Y'know, I was reading this story while picturing the main character looking like David Tennant for some reason. Needless to say, "Allons-y!" sealed the deal!
As soon as he ordered a ninja suit I thought "Awesome! Now he can stealthily kill Coins"
Meh, close enough.
Pompous poopy pony pissed his pants.
He should have accepted the money back as penalty for his breaking the rules.
I would have gone assassin's creed on that guy
3247128 REST IN PIECES YOU COMMUNIST ASS DONKEY
4027374
U foking wat m8, Ill foking quickscope you for that stupid comment u stupid coon.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/802/752/ec7.gif
RIP in shit dong child
Hehehehe, awesome chapter!
LIKE A NINJA!
Close enough.
I'm done. Melodramatic as it might sound, the awful Golden Coins subplot has completely eclipsed everything I was enjoying about this story. This isn't fun anymore.