I stumbled through the dark and snowy woods, the silver moon in the star-speckled sky my only light. With each breath, my lungs replied with fire, my tired body numb from the cold. The branches scraping at my arms and legs, leaving welts on my face, were meaningless. In the distance, I heard the dogs and their handlers getting closer.
I was desperate, ‘Just a few more minutes.’
I saw a stream up ahead. A glimmer of hope inspired me to run just a little faster. I drew a sharp breath as I splashed into the icy water. My legs burned as I waded upstream into the freezing, fast-running water. I pushed myself as hard as I could. I managed about a hundred meters before I scrambled up the bank, my fingers grasping at the snow and frozen earth.
The dogs were getting louder. My soaked canvas leggings dragged against my legs, quickly caking in snow.
In the distance, I could hear the barking of the dogs; they suddenly seemed confused. ‘Thank God. I lost those mutts at the stream.’ I took a moment to gulp a lungful of burning cold air. This respite was cut short when the dogs changed the tone of their bark. They'd found my trail again. I muttered a curse under my breath.
With relief, I could feel it in my gut. I was just a few moments before a jump. It took me many years to learn all the signs, but now I know them by heart. A vague sense of unease, a curious shifting not quite centred in my chest, and just a general, indescribable increase in discomfort. I'd even learned to estimate how long my stay would be once I had arrived in the new world.
‘Who knows?’ I thought, ‘I might even jump back home this time.’ I knew it was optimistic to the point of stupidity, but the hope of seeing my family again had kept me going all these years.
I turned my head and, just for a moment, in the distance, I looked into the eyes of one of the handlers. I realized at that moment they had spotted me as well. I wasted some precious breath to swear.
The lead hunter called out, “Alex Roberts. Surender now, don’t kick up a fuss, and I’ll make sure you get light punishment.”
“Sorry, Sam. Not this time. I’ll be out of your bald head soon enough.”
The grizzled guard sighed, “You asked for it. Unleash!”
I swore as the dogs charged towards me.
I knew the sensation, and it was the prelude to a jump. It quickly grew stronger. In the growing haze, I stumbled and fell, disoriented and unable to run. The world around me became brighter. The jump had to be coming any second now. I felt sick and afraid as I saw the dog's foam-flecked teeth.
Time slowed as the lead hound leapt at me. The dog moved closer and closer, first by meters, then centimetres, and finally millimetres. It never quite reached me. The edge of my vision dissolved into silvery white and slowly covered my field of view. I couldn't tell if this took seconds or days, my sense of self disappearing as the whiteness grew. And as that pure light superseded my vision, so the silence deafened me. Before I lost all sense of self, I knew something was different, and what was left of me cried out in fear.
In Canterlot, the Princess of the Night was awoken by a strange tug on the fabric of reality.
In the Royal Court, Princess Celestia was startled by a sudden and violent sundering of The Weave and an equally violent reconciliation.
Xenobiologist Lyra Heartstrings crept into the woods. She was cautious, partially to avoid disturbing any dragon fairies but mostly to avoid the ire of the landowner and her rabbit companion.
She stopped at the edge of a clearing, taking a long, cool drink from her water bottle. The telekinetic glow faltered when a bright flash and crack of thunder startled her.
She saw a strange sight in the distance; a patch of snow-covered ground with what looked like a young misshapen minotaur.
She crept closer, leaving her emptying water bottle behind.
In the past, a jump was a quick affair; a little disorientation, a little visual distortion, but these went away after a few moments, a minute at the most. This time, I blacked out. I’m not sure how long.
When I regained a modicum of my senses, my vision was a wall of white, whether my eyes were open or closed, and the vertigo was nauseating. My hearing was no better. All I could hear was a high-pitched tone. I was effectively deaf and blind.
I felt warmth on my back and icy, wet cold on my front. I slowly clenched my hands into the wet snow, getting life back into them. The world was still indistinct, and I tried to get up, only to fall back down, the dizziness causing me to vomit. My face landed half on the edge of the snow and half on the wet warm grass. I was grateful, ‘At least it didn’t seem to be winter here.’
This was the first time I had been so disabled after a jump. In the past, it was, at most, a head shake, and after a few moments, I would start seeing again. I calmly waited for what I thought was a minute or two. I was unsure if there had been any change, but maybe there was a slight improvement.
I had learned that the longer I was dazed, the longer I would be staying, and it looked like I was in for a long one. ‘This may be the last jump, then,’ I thought. ‘This is where I’ll die, in whatever final hell I've been dumped in.’
Lyra stopped at the edge of the woods. In the distance was a familiar demure yellow pegasus with anger issues. She guessed the landowner would be worried the light and noise may have frightened her beloved animals. Carefully hiding behind a bush, she watched the pegasus cautiously move toward the large clearing at the back of her estate. As an extra measure, she put a few small branches with clumps of leaves in her mane. Her smile grew smug, ‘Now no pony will see me.’
I slowly crawled on my belly to the edge of the disk, dragging vomit on my chest. Whenever I jumped, I brought a two or three-meter radius sphere of whatever was around me. The exact radius varied each time I jumped. This time, it was snow, frozen earth, and a few branches replacing whatever was there when I landed.
While dragging myself, my hand slipped several times on the quickly melting ice and snow. Nevertheless, I continued until I moved off the frozen ground. I dropped to the ground from fatigue, glad of the wet warmth underneath me. I could feel the short, cropped grass on my cheek, and I knew that usually meant a yard or field. I had a worried thought. 'That means people.'
My eyesight was slowly returning, the world moving from a white wall of haze to one of the more defined fields of colour. I heard a very gentle, very feminine voice speaking from a distance, “How strange, a round patch of snow in mid-summer?” It then exclaimed, “Oh my, you poor creature. I've never seen anything like you before.”
Remembering the hard lessons of the past, I couldn’t be a threat - if I’m not a threat, they’ll leave me alone.
That same, sweet voice continued, “Are you hurt? Are you sick? Here, let me see.”
Something hard touched my shoulder.
I felt a surge of desperate, manic energy. Terror flooded my veins with adrenaline. My arms strained as I threw myself off the ground and away. I heard a surprised, high-pitched squeak but ignored it. The impact was sharp and sudden. I had hit something far harder than the ground. My breath was cut from me as I tumbled to the ground.
‘So much for an escape.’ I wasn’t going to be going anywhere soon.
My vision was starting to clear, and I saw what I assumed was their mount. I thought it was a tiny thing for a horse, even for a pony. With my blurred vision, I assumed it was decorated with a bright yellow body covering and had its mane and tail dyed pink. A pink like that doesn't happen in nature. I looked around and saw bold, bright colours with very few gradients. Even my hands were looking like this. I wondered if my vision was failing in some new strange way, colours were never this pure in nature.
Between gasps, I tried to apologize. “Sorry... to... startle... you... ma’am... I just... landed from... a... long trip, and I’ll be off... your property... in a few minutes.”
If it was possible, her voice was even more meek, “Oh my, you can talk.” My vision was getting clearer, and I could have sworn the voice was coming from the mount. She must be behind it, keeping the pony between her and me.
My breath was returning, letting me speak a little more normally. “I didn’t mean to scare you, miss. My name is Alex Roberts. You don’t have to hide behind your horse. I don’t mean you any harm.” Things were getting clearer, and all I saw was that ridiculously coloured pony. I was still confused by the bright, unnatural colours.
“Oh, that's alright. I'm Fluttershy. I'm so sorry I touched you. I realize it was rather rude.” Incredibly, her voice was even softer than before.
I strained my eyes, trying to see around the mount. She must be quite small. By now, I could see the mount quite well, and it was a very odd-looking animal.
She had a tone of curiosity in her voice, “Now, what do you mean by hiding behind a horse? I’m not hiding behind anypony,” she continued, “Anyway, I’m a pegasus pony.” I could see something expand a little from the pony’s side and then collapse back in.
“I’m very sorry, miss... Fluttershy, was it? My vision and hearing are both a little out of whack right now. Did you say you’re a pegasus? As in a flying hor-, er, pony?” That name made something tick in my mind, but I decided it could wait.
She tittered, “Well, of course. What else would I be? Here, let me clean up those cuts and scrapes.”
As she approached, I could see what looked like a cloth in its mouth and white patches where eyes should be. I could see that they were far too big for her head to be eyes.
Suddenly, what I thought was some decoration blinked.
“Holy shit!” My exclamation made her scamper back. I berated myself, 'Idiot, don't alienate the one person trying to help you.' I smiled, bowed my head a little and raised my hands in a friendly way, “Ha ha, sorry about that. My vision is still sort of bad, and I didn't expect you so close. How about this? I'll put my hand out, and you put the cloth in my hand. I would really appreciate that.” I heard a high-pitched squeak in response. I slowly pushed myself up, leaning against what I assumed was a tree. “Just... just let me get my vision back, and we'll start again.” I saw she had moved away from me, out of sight, and I cursed myself, 'way to push away the one person willing to help.'
Lyra had been watching the unfolding scene with fascination. Her focus was shattered by a white rabbit smacking her in the flank with a carrot. She decided to make good her escape before the little rat giving her the stink eye gave her away.
It had been about a quarter of an hour since I frightened that yellow creature away. The heat of the summer sun was getting oppressive. I removed my coat and wet leggings and laid them out to dry, then I stumbled back down and closed my eyes. Every few minutes, I would open them, and each time my vision was clearer. It was about another quarter-hour before my vision was fully cleared.
I was still a little dizzy, but I managed to stand and take in the surrounding landscape. If my vision was failing in new and exciting ways, it was doing so in a very consistent fashion. In this place, lines were unnaturally smooth, and colours were bright and almost free of gradation. Even my hands almost looked stylized and unreal, even though when I touched them together, they felt as they always have; rough, calloused, and scarred.
I looked at the circle of mostly melted snow and noticed a black, bloody object on the far edge. I looked closely and realized what it was. One of the dogs that had attacked me had lost the tip of its nose. 'Damn, that was close.' I was thankful the field had caught it there, not higher up. That would have been a real mess.
The hairs on the back of my neck rose. I could feel someone watching me. I turned slowly, and hiding behind a tree was what I assume called itself Fluttershy. I sat back down and called out, “Fluttershy. It’s ok. I won’t hurt you.” I raised my hands, fingers open, palms out, “See, no weapons in my hands. I’m sorry I frightened you,” I chuckled, “I was just a little panicked myself.”
Very timidly, she fully stepped out from behind the tree, and, for the briefest instant, I saw my daughter standing there. ‘Lily’, I thought, and nearly said aloud, but then the vision dissolved, and once again, I saw a shy alien creature standing before me, its hoof tracing a nervous pattern in the grass. ‘Very timid. At least she’s not a fae, or it would be far more eager to ‘help’ me.’
I got a good hard look at her and found it difficult to understand what I saw. Her teal eyes were unnaturally large. If they were spheres, they would be half inside each other and outside her head. And her coat was a perfectly smooth yellow. Not even the best dyes could make it look that consistent. Her mane was a bright pink with darker pink highlights, and there were outlines of wings on her sides.
She squeaked something so softly that I couldn't understand what she said. I asked her to repeat herself, but her reply was even quieter and higher pitched. ‘Is there something wrong with her?’ I wondered to myself. ‘I’ve never met anything this shy. How the hell do I interact with her now?’ Not knowing what to do, I recited the mantra that had kept me alive through so many encounters, ‘Apologize, be meek, don’t be a threat.’
“Miss Fluttershy? I’m very sorry for my earlier reaction. I’ve never met a talking pony before. You startled me, to be honest.” I thought desperately, ‘Be meek, be humble, do NOT be a god damn threat.’
“Oh... You’ve never met a talking pony?” Her voice was questioning and still timid but getting stronger.
“No, this is the first time. And I get scared when I can’t see, but now that I can, we can reintroduce ourselves. Hello, my name is Alex Roberts, and you seem to be a lovely person called Fluttershy.” ‘Not too shabby, Alex, just don’t overdo it and hope she has a kind heart.’
I could see her raise her hoof to her mouth and titter, “I can understand being upset when you’re blinded and lost. I’ll be glad to forgive and forget what just happened. Let’s start again. I’m Fluttershy, and you seem to be a person trying to make amends.”
I chuckled, “That I am, Miss Fluttershy, that I am.”
‘You have no damn idea,’ I thought bitterly.
My clothing was still wet, and I needed to warm up fast. I could get sick if I were like this for too long. Even though it was warm, a summer afternoon, it wasn’t warm enough to dry me off quickly. I needed a fire. “Miss Fluttershy, with your permission, may I please make a fire to dry off? These clothes are wet, and I don’t want to catch a cold. I’ll happily chop wood or do other tasks in exchange.”
She looked confused, “Well then, why not remove them until they’re dry?”
I wondered if I read her expression correctly and her tone of voice. ‘At worst,’ I thought, ‘she’ll think I’m some kind of idiot or simpleton.’
I sighed, telling her a simpler version of the truth. “I have some scars I’m self-conscious of, you understand,” and added to myself, ‘among other things.’
She seemed to accept that answer, “There’s a fire pit closer to my house. You’re welcome to use it. There’s some firewood by the back shed you can use. I would really appreciate some cut wood. I find it so difficult to do.” Her voice was now almost normal, assuming the way she spoke before the misunderstanding was normal.
“Yes, Miss Fluttershy. Thank you very much again, Ma’am.” I repeated the mantra that had served me so well, ‘Stay meek. Stay humble. Stay safe.’
A winded Lyra ran headlong back to her home. She threw the door open and rushed to her work desk without even closing the front door. As she excitedly revised and expanded her notes, she muttered to herself, “Wait until Bons hears about this. This project will beat the hay out of everything I did on dragon fairies.”
Had she been a bit more perceptive, she would have noticed a tiny butterfly-winged creature waving goodbye to her.
I spent the afternoon drying by the fire, and then, as agreed, I started getting to work. I saw she had a rusty old pull saw and no axe. “Miss Fluttershy, if it’s alright with you, I’ll use my own tool to get the job done.” I slowly pulled my knife out and held it by the blade. ‘Don’t be a threat, Alex, don’t be a threat. Better explain before changing the shape.’ “Miss Fluttershy, can I ask you a silly question?” She nodded. “Do you have magic in this country?” A look of curiosity crossed her face, but she slowly nodded. “This is Imperial Pattern One Two Seven Nine C... Knife with Mental Controls and Polymorphic Enhancement.” ‘Best to skip the Combat part.’ “It allows me to give it commands, and it will change its shape based on a small library of predetermined shapes.” I gave her a friendly smile.
Her own grin rewarded me. “My, what a useful device. It must be very rare.”
I chuckled, “Actually, ma’am, this is a fairly common device where I got it.” ‘She seems to be relaxing, that means I can relax. Seems like a decent person too.’ I felt good about this situation and decided to take a chance. I thought the command words,‘CHILD MODE.’ As much as I wanted to establish trust, I was not going to risk my life. I flipped the knife, holding it by the blade. “Here, touch your, um, hoof to the handle. Think ‘PICKUP’ clearly. It will shape itself to your limb.”
Fluttershy gingerly put her forehoof out and touched the blade. The brass handle and knuckle guard flowed like water around her hoof, producing a pretty gilded pattern while the blade remained in the centre. What started as a startled flinch grew into a panicked shaking of her foreleg as she desperately tried to remove it.
I stated calmly and firmly, “Think ‘DROP KNIFE.’.” I snarled at myself, ‘Good going, idiot. And things were going so well. Christ, I hope I can salvage this.’
Her face scrunched up in concentration for a moment, and the knife dropped off her hoof. She looked in terror at it as if it were some poisonous insect.
I rubbed my eyes, “Miss Fluttershy, I’m truly very sorry about that. I should have warned you that it gets a little clingy. Please, let me chop some wood for you, and I’ll get out of your hair.” I bent down to get the knife, and she started to speak.
“It’s alright, Alex Roberts. We can’t think of everything. You’ve been using it for a long time, so I’m sure it's second nature to you. I was just surprised at how perfectly it fit. And,” she smiled up shyly at me, “I can be a little skittish sometimes.”
As she was talking, her expression became one of angelic kindness and forgiveness.
‘This is crazy. I’ve known her for less than an hour and trust her completely. I never trust anyone. I must have a concussion or something. What if it’s some mind control magic or worse?’ I spent a few moments feeling around inside my mind for any telltale signs of influence but didn’t find any. This just left me a little confused.
“Well, Miss Fluttershy, you were kind enough to let me use some wood. I’ll split some as promised.” She led me to a felled tree. It was about 5m long and still had all the branches attached. With my knife in garrotte mode, it only took about an hour to clean all the branches off the trunk, cut everything into lengths, and split the larger pieces.
Once completed, it was getting near dusk, and I put a small log on the remains of the fire. “I want to thank you again for your kindness.” I played with the ashes of the fire, “You didn’t have to help me, you know.” I gave her a sidelong glance, “I really mean it. Almost everywhere else I’ve been, it’s been everyone for himself.”
She had what seemed a reproachful expression, “Don’t be silly. You needed help, and I was there to give it.”
We sat quietly together by the fire while I processed my day. The sky was darkening, and I saw the first star. I smiled, glad that the sky was as consistent as ever over all the realities I've been at. I softly said, in a sing-song voice, the same thing I've said almost every night:
“Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.”
I wished the same wish I have for as long as I remember, ‘I want to go home.’
Fluttershy spoke wonderingly, “That’s a lovely little poem. Is it from where you come from?”
“Yes, it is. This will seem silly for a full-grown man to do, but it’s a child’s poem.” I continued looking at the stars coming out, the constellations forming quickly. “You know, Fluttershy, they,” I pointed at the stars, “have been one of the few constants in all my travels.” I pointed them out, “Orion, Ursa Minor, Cassiopeia, Scorpius, Leo, there are more, but you get the idea. They tie me back to my home, Fluttershy, and for that, I’m very thankful.”
“Princess Luna has been making the stars and the moon much more vibrant these days. It’s her you should thank,” Fluttershy stated demurely.
I usually don’t pray to the local gods, but the quiet sincerity with which she believed was hard to dismiss. I smiled as I would to my own daughter, “So, how does one thank Princess Luna?”
“It’s very easy to thank her. All you do is look at the most beautiful part of the sky and give her your letter of thanks.
I grew thoughtful for a moment, “So, Fluttershy, how do I send a letter of thanks to Princess Luna, exactly? I’m afraid I don’t have any paper to write on. And what part of the sky is considered the most beautiful?”
She looked at me with such kindness, such joy at a chance to teach, “Silly, you don’t need paper. You just write the letter in your heart and speak it with your mouth. And the most beautiful part is the one that means the most to you.” She smiled wistfully.
I looked at Fluttershy for a long moment and resigned myself, ‘I may as well do it. I have nothing to lose. Anyway, it feels good to believe, even if I really don’t.’ After thinking for a moment to gather my thoughts, I composed my prayer. Once it was ready, I looked at the North Star, the one that has guided me so many times, and cleared my throat:
Dear Princess Luna,
I am new to your world and don’t know if you’ll listen to me or even exist. No matter, I ask for nothing. I only want to thank you for your gift of the night sky. You arrange your constellations in the same way as they are back home. A home I lost so many years ago and seek to return to. Please accept my deepest thanks for this.
Your supplicant,
Alex Roberts
Luna, on her throne, sat with an expression of pleasant surprise. ‘A simple thanks. How... unexpected.’
Fluttershy smiled warmly at me, “That was a... nice letter. I know Princess Luna will be pleased.”
Much to my surprise, even as sceptical as I was, I felt better after that little supplication. I muttered to myself, ‘I hope you’re real, Princess Luna. I really do.’
As the warm summer evening wore on, I started dwelling on a nagging thought. 'Why did my mind tick at her name? How could I have possibly heard that name before?'
She must have seen the pensive expression on my face as I absentmindedly stirred the embers.
“What’s wrong, Alex?” I flinched as she put her... hoof on my arm. I’ve developed a very strong sense of personal space over the years, and I found it hard to ignore any physical contact, even from such a lovely and sweet person.
“Sorry, just... well, it doesn’t matter. I’ve just been noodling why you seem familiar, like I had heard of you before. It’s been bothering me like a song stuck in your head. But please don’t take this in a bad way. I doubt I’ve heard of you before today. Please understand, it’s just some ramblings from an old man.”
“It’s alright. It happens to all of us.” I was struck again by the fierceness of her gentle kindness.
I almost felt overwhelmed. She smiled sweetly at me again and started humming a wordless tune. I started picturing my little Lily singing something to that tune.
I listened briefly, eyes closed, letting the music flow over me. I soon asked, “That tune. Are there any words to it?”
She smiled that omnidirectional kindness, “Not really. But it’s called ‘My Little Pony’.”
“Huh.” I pondered this for a moment. “Doesn’t ring a bell.”
Oh, this is Totally AWESOME!!!
I totally love this story! Read this on fanfic.net. And now that it's posted here, makes it & you
20% COOLER!!!
Awesome Job with it and keep it up!
Awesome! My favorite fic on fanfiction.net is finally here!
Without any doubt: tracked.
Keep up the good work, and take my 5 stars, take them!
195956
195610
As you can tell, this is a rewrite of the original. I decided to do that here. I'm glad you enjoy it!
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah! Found this story on this website! I loved it on fan fiction.net and now I get to read it here too!
Your understanding of the multiverse is terrifyingly similar to my own O_o. Mine involves nonfictional realities as well, but still... Eerie
261655 Haha! Same with me. I like to think of it as the roots of a tree, where each different genre is broken off into the different stories, and it keeps going down into fractals going right down to the fanfictions. The central root of the tree is imagination.
~Jack
Reed Richards BUCK YA!!!!!!!!
Hmn, very interesting, I think I will be reading this next.
You weren't kidding when you called this a serious rewrite. I'm writing this as I read so I remember everything.
First: Epic intro. The first version does not stick out in my mind like everything else, and this new one explains alot and hints at far more. It's very satisfying.
Second: I liked all of the added detail everywhere. The sphere of stuff that follows with a jump was a nice addition; good imagery with the example. The description for how Alex changed to a more "animated" state with less callous was great too. There was just too much to note; this rewrite was perfect. There was new detail EVERYWHERE!
Third: The letter to Luna was much better this time around. I wasn't a fan of how he noticed a strange feeling (that I believe was a kiss?) the first time. It was done much better this go around.
Every rewrite that authors claim to do should be this good.
Definatly an improvement from the original when it comes to explaining the story. The whole last minutes on the previous world thing was a nice touch too. Interesting how the knife went from 10 of a kind to mass produced, honestly that bothered me before. As much as I believe this to be a better first chapter I hope I'm not alone in missing the old one.
I didn't know if a rewrite was necessary. I still can't decide if or not, but it is better written. I don't know. I'm a bit concerned about how Fluttershy is portrayed. I almost think she was better portrayed in the original chapter. I'll just wait for the other written chapters.
On that note, can you post a link with a zip file the entire original story for future comparison? Thanks.
I loved the first chapter. I don't know if anybody else noticed but there is a paragraph in there that seems to be repeated. It's the one where fluttershy comes out from behind the tree and reminds Alex of his daughter.
494267
Thanks for the catch! I was waffling between the two paragraphs and forgot to remove the one I didn't want.
I've only read the first chapter but I'm wondering why he wants to go home? He has been traveling for 60 years won't everyone he knows be dead when he gets back. So once he realizes that I hope he stays in Equestria.
Normally I don't really care for HiE stories, but this one seems interesting enough...
One way to improve your chapters is to take out/ignore information that isn't important to the story. One thing that came to mind was Alex's description of that knife. A little lengthy, perhaps if he wanted to explain what it was to Fluttershy he'd just explain how it works.
Hopefully when you get to other chapters you'll work on taking out exact measurements in your descriptions. They're extremely distracting to the reader. I managed to make it to the third chapters before I put everything down. Sorry, but I think Fluttershy needs a bit of work. (Couldn't understand her later outburst)
The eager little kid in me wants to know something: In the first chapter did he turn the knife into an axe?
Not a bad start. This reminds me of Quantum Leap. Tell is this part of some overarching story. LIke this is just the latest portion of the saga?
I was bored. So I edited some.
+++
One, small mistake ruined my life.
I never understood the exact metaphysics, but apparently if a sentient creature stumbled upon the umbra’s center of an eclipse whilst on a ley line… stupid mistakes happened. That unplanned mistake pulled me on an adventure -- beyond realities – for six decades.
It started slow. But as it continued, my destinations became more creative. In one reality, I battled a mad cow with a french-fry spear. In another, I slaved in the coal mines while whipped by tyrannical aliens. The time -- to escape each reality – would continuously lengthen, whilst my body never aged.
Yet to understand, there was a reason to my plight. It lied in Equestria. And it involved countless deaths, if unsuccessful. Through it all, I gained and lost so much…
My name is Alex Roberts. These are my memoirs.
+++
I stumbled through the dark snowy woods, as the silver moonlight guided me. With each breath my body ached, like a fire blistering my insides despite the frigid weather. I barely felt the branches scraping my face and pulling at my clothes.
The wolves were getting closer. I struggled to run harder, until I noticed a brook ahead. I could hear its water splashing across the sides. I was now sprinting at top speed.
I held my screams as I waded upstream, into the freezing running water. Eventually, I scrambled up onto the bank. The growls and barking were now deafening, but I continued running.
I took a moment to gulp burning cold air. Suddenly, I could feel it starting. And in a few moments I’d be transported away. It took me years to learn all the signs, but I knew them by heart. I'd even learned to estimate how long my stay will be once I had arrived in the new world.
‘Please. Let me return home, this one time.’ The wolves were getting louder.
I turned my head, and watched as the animal leaped at me. Its mouth reared wide open which exposed every sharp, bloody tooth. Its snout touched mine, just as I vanished.
60 years of traveling to parallel worlds and his first survival instincts tell him to flinch at everything he hasn't already apologized to. His personality is almost like Fluttershy's, my least favorite pony. That knife becomes what ever is needed... really? It couldn't just be knife, but a magic knife that acts like batman's utility belt (in that it has a use for every occasion)?
Also, at first I thought huzzah finally a human in Equestria story that doesn't use the tropes: Discord did it, or Twilight messed up a spell. Then, you had him meet Fluttershy first. I get that she is great at introducing the character to equestria while avoiding flinch worthy faux pas, but it's so dull seeing the human trying to get her to 'come out of her shell' to explain everything that I'ld rather watch him find out everything as he goes along. I want to see one where Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie is the first contact, just because it will guaranty a train wreck of exciting events. (both of them turn small problems into big problems by blowing the danger out of proportion)
Yeah, but really his personality is just too annoying to stand. I am going read something else, I don't care how many favorites the story has I can not read any more of Alex being a meek and spineless.
Well played.
I really like the first chapter. i then see the note that you said its rewritten and that chapter 2 will not seem to fit. after this i find every chapter i'm reading doesn't fallow the rewrite chapter shouldn't the authors note say that all the chapters will not fit very well until rewritten?
also you story reminds me of sliders
i wills till read it all but its going to feel awkward...
"It's" should be "its", since expanding it to "it is" doesn't make sense in context.
The context suggests that "were stylized eyes should be" is meant to be "where stylized eyes should be".
Again, "it's" should be "its" to indicate the possessive rather than the contraction.
You're missing an ending quote for this sentence.
At first I really disliked how you wrote Fluttershy's dialog. Then I realized she was speaking exactly as she would speak if this were a 'real' episode.
sigh
She's adorable, I can't help but like her, but she really is the weakest link of the show.
So when are the other chapters getting a rewrite? I read the first chapter and it seemed really good. I tried reading the second but it just didn't have the same charm. Even ignoring how things didn't line up.
The set up for the first chapter seems to make a lot more sense than the events mentioned in the second. Knowing about the show, time dilation but still communicating in regular time, jumping for 59 years and not aging but still having a family back home? Sorry but the lonely reality jumper who might have a place he can settle down and make friends for a few years just seemed to make more sense to me.
As soon as those new chapters are out I'll be sure to come back and finish this story.
2184103
I think it's 'were where stylized eyes should be'
hmm things seeming familiar even though he has never been there before. suspicious
hhm wile im not a fan of humans going into the mlp world(for many reason mostly to do with my theory's on how a foreran contaminate would be treated be in that or any other world to far removed from its own world ) I must admit im likening this the idea of being unstuck in time and space(yay sliders!)(I know that's not really what's happened but I really suck at spelling and not even auto can help me at times)so im going to keep reading to see what happens / on a side note I do accept some ideas of people going there if like in the Dresden fillies that persons home world with its magic and what not would not make it that much of a stress for the other world to accept him or like in the cross over of big bang where Sheldon is turned into a earth pony as a way for that world to accept him and not you know kill what it would deem a virus (ok sorry for rambles and my killing of English grammer ) like before though I like what I have read and will read on any more comments from me will hopefully be shorter and make more sense plz don't be mad
Not bad, not bad...I'll see where this goes.
Fluttershy is a bit OOC, and your dialogue seems forced instead of natural. Speak your words out loud as you write, it should help you to determine if the phrasing is right. Other than that, though, I'm interested. I will see where this goes.
3rd paragraph
"A reason that would mean the lives of countless innocents if I failed. I would build a new life in Equestria and lose more than I could imagine."
I've failed or I have failed
"I could see something expand a little from the pony’s side, the collapse back in."
Missing letter: "then collapse"
The very last lines - who says which line?
Are those all said by Alex? Because spacing suggests that one is spoken by Fluttershy and it doesn't make much sense.
EDIT
Ugh... I started chapter 2, and all those "I always liked her on the show" clash badly with first edited one.
I think I will wait for later edits.
I'd love to read this once it's rewritten...
Aside from that I, this was funny, hehehe.
Nice start! :D
Very nice beginning, good work.
Ah.. New book, new beginnings. Let's see where this one goes shall we?
Roll credits
Almost, almost