• Member Since 31st Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

MyHobby


"For fun" is the best reason to do anything. "The best" is the best way to do everything.

E

Dr. Zeus is a Zebra who lives in Chartreuse, and it's as a masseur that he comes to good use. One day a dragon comes to steal and to crush, turning the entire town into piles of mush. When Twilight Sparkle comes to save the day, will the dragon just send her on her way?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 7 )

I think you should re-read the flow of your tale, and edit some minor things to that this fic may prevail. I understand you are rhyming your story, If you made it flow better others would see it's true glory.

"Zecora foalsat the young apple sister,..."
[Zecora sat next to the foal]

"he asked the hippo. “Why just tell me? To the authorities go!”"
[He asked the hippo. "Why tell me? To the authorities. Go!"]

“I’ve heard you coming for a good long while.

“You think you’re so great, with your wings and your horn, but I sit and laugh at your power with scorn!
[^don't need this, the dragon is still speaking and the quote implies and new speaker]
“I am a great dragon, the best of the drakes, and now that you've come, I’ll heighten the stakes.
[^don't need this....]
“If you leave me alone, I’ll stay in this land. Fight me on this, and I’ll show you my hand!”
[^don't need this....]

“I’ll never leave here, no way and no how.”
[ “I’ll never leave here, no way and no how!”]

What village should he pick but the town of Chartreuse,
[What village did he pick but the town of Chartreuse,]

“I laugh at the creatures who walk on the ground.

“I fly in the sky, I’m awesome and large, you lot are just piddley, I should be in charge!”
[^don't need this....]

The humongous beast started, he started with shock.
[startled]?
The princess Twilight
[Princess Twilight]

" Twilight flew down and stuffed the fruit in his mouth; he tried to complain but could not let it out..."
[^Extra space]


Though I usually take a bitter look at stories under 2,000 words. You have a story told in rhyme and I loved it very much!:heart::raritywink: Now if my correction suggestions offend you I'm sorry:applecry:,but poems do not get the love that they so readily deserve.:twilightblush: Staches if they matter to you : :moustache::moustache::moustache:

2414715

Now if my correction suggestions offend you I'm sorry

A comment that's long? A comment that's nice? A comment that''s filled to the brim with advice? :raritystarry:

I'd be an dummy if I was offended.

“I’ve heard you coming for a good long while.

“You think you’re so great, with your wings and your horn, but I sit and laugh at your power with scorn!
[^don't need this, the dragon is still speaking and the quote implies and new speaker]

Unless the same person is speaking the next paragraph down. Oh the other hand, you are correct that his text should all be one paragraph.

What village should he pick but the town of Chartreuse,
[What village did he pick but the town of Chartreuse,]

Yeah, that makes more grammatical sense.

The humongous beast started, he started with shock.
[startled]?

Started: b : to react with a sudden brief involuntary movement <started when a shot rang out>

"Zecora foalsat the young apple sister,..."
[Zecora sat next to the foal]

Unsure what to do with this suggestion here. Would you mind expanding to make it more clear? :twilightblush:









Thank you so much for your comment and thoughts, with so many mistakes i'd be at a loss.

Though I usually take a bitter look at stories under 2,000 words. You have a story told in rhyme and I loved it very much!

I've often said that you can't tell a really good story in less that 4,000 words, and I still think i'm right. :rainbowwild:

but poems do not get the love that they so readily deserve. :twilightblush: Staches if they matter to you

People think they're pretentious, confusing, absurd, but i'll always hold love for the rhythmic word. :pinkiehappy:

"Zecora foalsat the young apple sister,..."
[Zecora sat next to the foal]


Cross this one off my mind didn't see it as Babysitting but that you placed sat awkwardly. I've been taking a peak at some of your other stories.:yay:

2423787

Cross this one off my mind didn't see it as Babysitting but that you placed sat awkwardly.

Aha! Alrighty then, thanks!

Speaking pony is a little like learning a second language, isn't it? :derpytongue2:

I've been taking a peak at some of your other stories.

:yay::yay::yay:

The rhythm of this one is occasionally a bit ragged, and some of the rhymes feel gratuitous, but it still has an admirable Seussian charm. Brought a smile to my day. :twilightsmile:

3292347

I have to admit to the whole story being a bit gratuitous and quickly-written, but I'm truly pleased to know it brought a smile to your face! That's what it was all about, for sure. :pinkiehappy:

“When facing a dragon, don’t ever talk smack.”

Good idea.

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