Love After a While

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Comments ( 12 )

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pvtspoon

pvtspoon #1 · Apr 10th, 2013 · 2 · ·

Wow... That was great
It was definitely erotic and just a little sweet.
Congrats on writing a great bit of clop!

Six

Six #2 · Apr 10th, 2013 · · ·

2402595

Well I'm flattered, thank you.

Six

Six #3 · Apr 10th, 2013 · · ·

2403165

Thank you for your response.

Tell me, what, or how, would you describe the neglect?
If I may ask.

AlexUk

AlexUk #4 · Apr 11th, 2013 · · ·

As a clop critic, I think we need to have a talk.

You had my curiosity with the description and leading scenes, and then you got my attention as events unravelled. So this is your first clopfic, hmm. What about other MLP fanfics (since you didn't say anything about this being your first fanfic in general) ?

At the beginning your pacing was very good, and the concept of the story had a hint of originality. It's so rare these days to see a romantic fic starring a mare and a stallion that is also in third person! This is the thing our fanfic community needs more of, however, as you can see by the rather low number of views/ratings, most clop readers here are humanized / human x pony fans, which is a shame.

Anyway, your writing style is good, there are a few errors here and there, nothing a quick re-read couldn't fix but there are some issues. First of all, you haven't really made it clear what Pic and Twilight's relationship was before that day. Pinkie's Sense motive feels a bit redundant and doesn't actually provide any character/scene development. It just adds to the word count, in my opinion.

The first part of the library scene is almost perfectly written. Twilight is in character and the events and interactions between them are spot-on. As far as the first 'round' goes, it's among the few written pieces I've ever read that comes close to the Braeburn x Twilight and Cheerilee x Twilight scenes from Romance Reports, which means a lot.

Pic's little internal 'conflict' serves as a very good opportunity to further deepen their relationship and provides an very well placed break between the two erotic scenes.

However, all good things must come to an end and unfortunately, that wasn't in the form of the chapter's actual ending, but rather with the start of the second sex scene. It seems that along the road somewhere you just spilled all that awesome pacing and the end of the story delivers just a fast-paced, rather unrealistic clop scene. Basically the whole mounted-sex scene felt very rushed.

It felt so much out of place that it totally ruined what actually was an amazing "I love you" ending scene. No worries, it's nothing that can't be fixed.

I won't go any deeper than that for now, as I've probably provided you with enough information to chew on.

Overall, the piece was fairly good, and with a re-edit here and there (especially that last clop scene), it would make an amazing story. Keep up the good work, and don't hesitate to ask me any question you might have.

PS: Oh I forgot something else that bugged me: breasts. Ponies don't have front breasts, they are located in the crotch area. Would make a fine addition to your story if Pic happened to 'stumble' across them in the first erotic scene ;)

Six