• Member Since 8th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 10th, 2012



Twilight is called up to Canterlot castle to help Luna after the loneliness and isolation of living 1000 years behind the rest of society sets in.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 42 )

Like pony, like dragon.

All that I notice are a few spelling mistakes, but other than that, excellent work!
You may help me in my conquest to say splendid more often!

This story is SPLENDID!
I agree with Luna, if I ever became a king, I don't want everybody bowing down to me and being like "we are most grateful" and blippityblap. People thanking me for no apparent reason.
However, I will never be a king or anything of the sort.
But, just a recap.

I think the letter was saying that Nightmare Moon is back.

I was right.

Love. It can be a strange concept.


:rainbowderp:... what? I seriously thought this was going to be one of those "really good friends" ending.

"Luna wondered just how Celestia managed to maintain the urge to simply hug the lavender Unicorn."

I think you mean contain.

The main area to work on it detail, as there is not enough. What is here is okay, but to be good there needs to be more. Try looking at some other romances like Common Sky, Lost in Love, and Composure.

Much better, than the other story. Keep on working at it. :twilightsmile:

Submitted to TwiLuna group.

You honestly expected that with a Romance Tag?

189886 Thanks so much! :twilightsmile:

190005 Thanks, sorry I was a tad rushed when writing these as I'm heading back to school today.

I have read all of those, but mostly just for the sake of reading them. I will try to learn from them as best I can. Thank you very much :twilightsmile:

189957 Sorry, this ending likely didn't turn out how I wanted it to. I'm almost scare to re-read it. I just wanted to get this chapter out so I could tell myself that I finally saw it through. The ending of the two falling in love was planned, but how I went about it... perhaps not so much.

Still, thank you for your use of the word splendid! I don't think I've ever seen it used this much before.:twilightsheepish:

I just hope I didn't spoil it all with this last part :facehoof:

will you join me?

uhm.... the ending of this chapter was a bit... odd... it was like... OMG RUSH RUSH and then it was like... LETS CHILL FOR A LITTLE... yeah... odd...

It's okay, though seemingly quite rushed and lacking in detail. Fill it in more and you could have a, ahem, splendid story.

190405 Indeed I will. SPLENDID! What a glorious word. :pinkiehappy:

191702 It was very rushed, and I may take down that chapter to redo it. I rushed that chapter as I just wanted to get that story out there and see whether it was worth writing.

Sad Luna is worst thing ever. Of all time.

Much better, she is not sad anymore. So yes, SPLENDID!:twilightblush:

too damn short! I wanted it to last that much more! love the writing stile, now you just need to give me another couple of hundreds of Twilight x Luna chapters and you'll be the perfect author :twilightsheepish:

276148 Ha, I'll consider it. Out in the Cold has warmed me to the idea of Twixie stories, so I may write one of those if I have time. Right now I have a few clopfics in the works, so I'll get them finished and start considering what kind of fic to write next. :twilightsmile:

Thanks for the compliment, however, I'm glad that you enjoyed it; even if it was too short, heh. I must concede that there are far too few TwiLuna stories. :twilightsheepish:

Oh Nightmare Moon? Well isn't this just splendid.
Not that I reallt think it is, but that would be awkward.
Celestia knocks on Luna's door, the deeper Snooty voice returns with:
'Go away! I hate you! YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!'

Yes, definately splenid.

294600 Thank you! I appreciate all feedback, I love me some positive, but please feel free to let me know of any mistakes I made. It helps to improve my future stuff. :moustache: Compliments, though, and I'm anyone's :raritywink:

Well written, and with few noticeable mistakes. My only concerns with it is that it feels like it could be condensed into two chapters instead of seven, and that it feels like it's only half done or maybe a little more. I definitely feel that there should be some kind of response after they get together, at least with Celestia to show that the major danger with Luna is over and maybe also what Twilight's friends think about it. Basically, there's no conclusion to the story.

Overall your writing is pretty solid and I'll definitely take a look at anything else you have.

Although a little short it was how you put it, Splendid! :heart:

“…Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle”
(OT)You know what I'd like? If for once in a story, Twilight managed to chill out enough to write a true but facetiously worded report to Celestia, and signed it 'Twilight Snarkle'.(/OT)

I like this part, it's touching, but I do refuse to call such a thing, four paragraphs, a chapter. To hold your readers' attention, each chapter needs to have a reasonable length; 1000 words is a minimum. 2000-3000 is closer to ideal.

Twilight shook her head profusely “Oh no no no, Princess, you don’t need to apologise to me. You must’ve been angry. Letting it out is better than bottling it, right?”
Actually no, they're both damaging in different ways; the one inflicting damage on others, the other on oneself.

Again, I enjoy the plot, but it's really obvious longer chapters are needed.

As Twilight finished telling the story about Pinkie’s pinkie sense and their universally mind-bending nature, Luna wiped the tears of laughter from her navy blue cheeks and let out a few more quiet giggles. Twilight set down the books she had been gathering whilst telling her story, as she sat on her haunches and looked at Luna sitting in front of her; looking so... Serene? No, that wasn’t the right word. Majestic, perhaps? Still not right. Gentle! It was the perfect word for her appearance, as the silent Alicorn of dark blue and black in question closed her eyes with a beautiful smile. It was already mid afternoon, and the pair had spent all day having fun in the library.
Commas. You need to use them.

A good guideline is, think of reading these lines aloud. As you currently have it, it's impossible to give much intonation to different words, 'cause you have to rush through the sentence just to avoid running out of breath. I've inserted some commas in the quote above, to give an example. Some rearranging was also done to help this.

the silent Alicorn of dark blue and black in question
Probably too descriptive. The more subordinate clauses you attach to something, the more confusing it is to read. You have 4: 'silent', 'of (dark blue) and (black)' (counted as 2), and 'in question'. Also, we know that the 'silent Alicorn' is probably Luna, from previous context; 'of dark blue and black' is more or less superfluous. Avoid leading your readers around by the nose when they can reasonably infer the information you're thinking of.

'the silent Alicorn in question' works better. If the coloration is more important than the silence, you could write 'the midnight-blue alicorn in question'.

Twilight set down the books she had been gathering whilst telling her story as she sat on her haunches and looked at Luna, sitting in front of her;
Similar problem. The sentence becomes awkward because you insist on providing information that can be readily inferred from context.
May I suggest:

"Twilight set down her gathered books as she sat on her haunches and looked at Luna, sitting in front of her;"

You have some good skills with poetic language use. I'd like to see those expand into also -writing- poetically.

This isn't technically true. Proof of fact, I wrote a chapter that was only four words and it was one of my most popular chapters. :twilightsmile:
A chapter needs to have a subject, and when the author is done covering that subject the chapter is over. What made this chapter feel weak was the fact that the subject was weak. Twilight putting Spike to bed, even if it was cute, is not particularly gripping. There was nothing in this chapter to make me go, "alright, next chapter!"
So, the length wasn't the problem, but I suspect this story might have been better posted as a one shot.

Regardless, I'm gonna keep reading and hope for the best.

See, this what I mean. This had CONTENT. THIS makes me want to read the next chapter.

I agree.

My only guess is that the author was going for something like this....

Celestia: Luna! Stop acting like a crazy pony! Come on Twilight...

Luna: wait, wut. Twilight?

921166 yeah... if it had been the first chapter then i wouldn't have read the next... but i'm also very nazi about stuff like that XD but i dunno... maybe writing the chapter just bored him? i've tried that before and then write horrible... HORRIBLE things!

Yeah. This whole thing could have been a one shot.

The biggest problem with it is that there's very little substance. Twilight and Luna have spent far too little time, less than 24 hours, total, ever, in fact, to say they love each other.
At least with what you showed us
At the very least this story could have used a line like, "They spent several hours talking animatedly in the garden," to show them connecting.


I found that while it is a great story it was too rushed and you do need to do more it's not finished yet write what other people think of their relationship and what their reactions are mabey have them do singling together then it will be worthy of even more. SPLENDID

While the generally story was good, it also lacked some detail. To clarify, there were a lot of emotions and feelings throughout, but there were still things that weren't quite right. For instance, all of this transpired in a one to two day period. That, normally, isn't enough time for the feelings of two ponies to 'blossom', for a lack of a better word. If this transpired in a week or two, then it wouldn't have felt rushed.

While the ending was sweet and romantic, it too felt rushed. It felt like you had this really good idea in your head, and you tried to write it as fast as possible to quell that feeling of "oh my gosh, this is really good and I have to write it down or else it might not be as good! :pinkiegasp: " Also, when one of them thought some 'dialogue' in their head, it wasn't italicized. While this isn't a requirement by any means necessarily, it just makes it look better.

Disregaurding any of these slight problems, it was very good and it deserves a thumbs up, and a favorite.

Keep on writing. :twilightsmile:

Alright, alright. I admitt it. At first I thought this would be just another improvised and crapy reject of a story, due to how short the chapters were. But, now I see that chapters don't need to be long to be good. While I do think that this story was somewhat rushed, it was quite well done. You did a fine job in transmiting the feelings they had for each other. Perhaps you would consider making a sequel?

"Twilight was surprised, but happy that it saved her from organizing a library she was unfamiliar with."

I can't imagine a library that Twilight is unfamiliar with in Canterlot. She lived in one before the was sent to Ponyville in the show. Though, this could just be the fan in me talking... Anywho this seems to be coming along well. I just wish the chapters had been longer.

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