Oh, Brother

by thewaffler

Through The Rabbit Hole

♫ ♪ "...It's not okay to be gay, y'all need to be converted, it's not part of your DNA." ♪ ♫ Brother Micca stood on the corner of the library at ??? University finishing his Homo song. Of Course once again the crowd loved him and his musical genius.

"You suck."

"F**k you."

"Eat shit and die."

"Hey watch this." One of the students called out only to make out with another male crowd member.

Micca watched in disgust. "See, that's a sin just like all the darn pornification. Gosh darn fags are worse than the devil's Run DMC*. Why ba--" The ignorant protestor was interrupted as he was crushed by a meteorite and luckily the author and all the students were safe, sadly the library and the sidewalk were damaged by the flaming ball of celestial metal and tuition had to raised to pay for the damages.

---

Micca slowly opened his eyes to a world of unearthly beauty and serenity, in other words it was horrible and not a single Burger Shot in sight. He got up and dusted himself off, placed his flat cap on his head, blamed the commie hippy queers for his problems and started on a quest to find some semblance of civilization.

After about 20 minutes of walking in the harsh seventy degree heat, he saw what appeared to be a small purple equine of sorts.

'Ooh, look a baby horse, just like the farm I grew up on. W'help, all this walking has aroused me, so I will partake in the some buggery, just I did on my daddy's farm.' Micca thought to himself as he slowly approached the purple mare.

"What are you doing?!"

"You can talk?! That must be the Satan. I am a man of god; I need to screw the Satan out of you."

Twilight simply used her magic to slap Micca, so hard he fell hit the ground with an audible, thud. "Pervert!"

As he got up he muttered something about her being a demonic pagan whore beast.

"What do mean, I can't f**k you?!" He looked around and noticed an alarming number of these evil creatures, most of them female. "Where are the men of this world, I don't take orders from a lowly queer-o-sexual lady horse. I take orders from the bible and other manly men of manly toughness."

"Um..."

"Brother Micca, defender of the lord, and crusader against fags, science, pornificators, rap music and the man who's gonna bring 'Murica back to the way it was before the commie faggy liberals took over the government in the 60's." He said as a giant American flag waved behind him with fireworks going off at the same time.

"Pinkie!" Twilight shot an irate glare at her fuchsia friend who continued to light red, white and blue fireworks behind the bipedal ape.

"What, Sparklers are fun?" Thanks to her Pinkie Sense, the party pony could sense her friend's growing frustration and took off at mach two towards town.

"So where were we? Um... Brother Micca, I am Twilight Sparkle and this is Equestria and we try to live in peace and harmony with each other under the rule of the princesses."

"Females running society...pfft. Listen to me and the words of god, a woman's only good for cooking and cranking out babies*." Micca calmly replied as he wiped some sweat from under his flat cap.

Twilight could see this was getting her nowhere. "Maybe if you took a tour around Ponyville, you would see what Love and Tolerance can achieve."

"Well, talking to you, you disgusting devil horse has made me mighty thirsty, so lead the way. Oh and if you try any of your Satan magic on me, I'll let you know I'm wearing my holy water soaked briefs."

The pair made their way into Ponyville and as Twilight had expected they were met with friendly faces and greetings by the townsfolk.

Micca absolutely hated it as if he were a changeling that fed executively on hatred and distrust, all this "happiness" was like poison to him.

Eventually the two walked into the park where a cream colored earth-pony and a teal unicorn sat on a bench.

"Oh, hi Lyra and Bon Bon, this is Brother Micca, he's ---" Twilight was interrupted by Lyra.

“A human!" The teal mare looked a filly who had just discovered chocolate. "See, Bonny? I told you they were real."

Bon Bon just rolled her eyes. "We all know humans exist, there's one living at the palace with Celestia, Luna and Discord."

"Wait... since when?"

"Oh, that's right you went to the tropics to hang out with the dolphins with your cousin Sea Swirl last summer."

"But, why didn't you tell me?!..."

Twilight and Micca just sat there and watched the couple continue to argue on the bench.

"...You know it was lifelong dream to see a human!"

"I just forgot, okay, you forgot about our anniversary, last year!"

The human's mind threw up a red flag at the word "anniversary" and it was then that the mental projection of his mind's inner workings as depicted by a hamster on a wheel couldn't take what was being said and his mouth went into blurt mode.

"PORNIFICATING FAGS!!!"

The three mares looked at him as his face contorted into rage. "Micca?" The three asked in unison.

"HOMO HORSES ARE SATAN'S PITCHFORK LUBE OF PURE EVIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!! THIS UNION IS AN ABOMBINATION AGAINST GOD AND THE APOSTLES OF HEAVEN!!!"

Lyra and Bon Bon didn't like where this was going and the idea that anypony or this case anyone would have a problem with their love, made the two mares very upset.

At this point damn near the whole town gathered around the three ponies and one shouting human.

Lyra was considered a mare of action and with all the nasty words her foalhood dream was shouting at her and her spouse, she took the next logical step and reared back facing away from Micca and launched her hind hooves into the crotch of the angry hate filled human.

*CRUNCH*

"Arrrrgh...my prized manly balls, *wheeze* for which all my Satan fighting powers *pant* come from have been ruptured by the devil's queer-o-sexual horse."

Twilight helped Micca to his feet only to save her own dignity and left the park and mass crowd of ponies.

"I guess we should get you to a doctor."

"No doctors." Micca grumbled at the unicorn. "They'll either use their science or if they're like you they'll use the devil's magic. I will heal by myself..."

Twilight could see that he was in pain and out of the kindness of her heart, she cast a healing spill over the human.

"See?! I told you I would heal on my own and with the help of the lord almighty." He yelled oblivious to the fact that the magic he ranted against is what healed his mashed in pelvis. "Lady horse thing, I demand food now, you will get me food."

Rolling her eyes, the unicorn complied if only to keep him away from the rest of the general population. "We can go to Sweet Apple Acres for some apples."

"Apples, yes, apple indeed, for I am American and apples the fruit that originates from Asia is the most American fruit therefore they can replenish my Satan fighting holiness."

"You, don't seem to turn it off do you?" Twilight muttered under her breath as her day with the ignorant creature seemed to visibly wear on her like 40 grit sand paper.

---

At Sweet Apple Acres, Applebloom and Spike were finishing a picnic that the ladder of the couple had set up as part of a date he had built up the courage to ask to the young earth pony to share with him. Currently, the pair lay under a tree as they basked in its shade from Celestia's sun.

"Spahke I really had a great time with you this afternoon." The little yellow filly nuzzled the drake.

"Yeahh... today has been perfect." Spike said as returned the sign of affection, then an idea popped into his head. "Hey, Applebloom watch this."

The dragon extended one sharp claw and did a few quick scratches to the tree they were taking shade under, when he was done there was a heart that read: SD + AB.

The young couple's faces were about an inch away from each other; suddenly they were both grabbed by something that pulled them up off the ground and away from each other.

"A vile reptile shouldn't be mixing anything especially something that isn't his own kind." The weird hairless ape creature said with a face of pure repulsion at the seemingly innocent act the pony and dragon were about to engage in under the tree.

Applebloom struggled against human as she called out her special somedragon. "Spahke!"

Like something out of an old Popeye cartoon, Spike's muscles got bigger and his fangs got sharper. "Applebloom!"

Twilight galloped after the insane man who had wandered away from her sight on their way to the apple orchard and she was about to rescue her adoptive younger brother and Applejack's sister, but Spike beat her to the punch as Spike set a white hot stream of flames sail a few millimeters from Micca's head, but close enough to set fire to his flat cap.

"Mah, hero." The yellow filly embraced her drake, who eagerly returned the hug.

"YOW!!! HELL FIRE BREATHING BEAST, I WILL END YOU!!!"

Micca then picked up the children again. Applebloom cried out in pain.

Something snapped inside Spike upon hearing this and he broke free from the human's grasp and sunk his gem eating jaws into the arm of his captor and like the printer from "Office Space," the dragon proceeded to pumble Micca to a bloody pulp.

"Uh...Spahke, you can stop now..." Applebloom's words fell on death ears as her boyfriend continued wailing on the mean spirited alien.

The two ponies winced as a greed growth like Spike rammed his fist into Brother Micca's mouth and busted out all of his Chiclets.

*CRASH*

*FA-THUD*

*WHAP*

After several minutes a visibly exhausted adolescent dragon was passed out on the ground. Next to him lay the mangled, bloody and somehow still breathing body of a human.

"Garghhhhh...." That was all Brother MIcca could muster as he twitched slightly on the crimson soaked grass.

Twilight couldn't help, but feel pity on the interplanetary visitor and once against she cast her healing spell on him. The only thing she couldn't fix were his clothing which had seen better days.

"Gah! Did anyone let the license plate number of that bus that hit me?"

"Bus?" A confused Applebloom and Twilight said in unison.

“Why don’t you and Spike go somewhere else? Here’s some bits, go to Sugar Cube corner and grab a milkshake or something.”

“Alrighty, if you say so.” Applebloom grabbed her sleeping drake by the tail and dragged him towards the bake shop.

Coming out of his post rejuvenation stupor Micca noticed he was still in Equestria. "Oh, it's you. Well, it's a good thing god chose to heal me. Now where is that tiny baby horse and the purple reptile, I am not done with them yet."

"How dare you?!" Twilight's face went into pure anger, so much so that she preformed her best Ponyta impression. "I spent all day, trying to show you the magic of friendship and that tolerance is the right way to live. You tried to mount me, you verbally attacked Lyra and Bon Bon and just now you went after my best friend and a little filly. I am --"

"Calm down my student." Twilight heard the voice of Celestia from above her and sure enough there were the two solar princesses and Discord.

"Yes, relax, Twilight."

"Whateves..." Discord sat floating upside down on his throne eating some popcorn dressed like Will from the opening credits of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Micca saw the white horse and had only one thought. "You must be the horse Jesus drove to heaven."

Celestia smirked and hatched an awesome idea in her head. "Why yes, I am the horse that this Jes Us fellow rode. He s-"

The alicorn of the night interrupted her white sibling. "But sister, horses have been extinct for --"

Discord placed a zipper on her mouth as he was curious on where Celestia was going with this charade. Twilight just sat there as her anger from earlier fizzled out.

Micca finally broke out of his holy fueled stupor and noticed the draconequus. "Oh shit, it's Satan. Get behind me Jesus's horse; I've been training for this my whole life."

The human ripped his briefs from under his pants and whipped them at Discord, whom turned them into flying blenders.

Celestia tried to sniffle a giggle as this mere mortal was trying to fight the god of chaos and failing miserably to boot.

*Yawn* "You are defeated and such... I grow bored of this game." Discord fused Micca's shoes with the ground.

"Nooo!!! If I don't kill you, then I can't ride the lord's spaceship to Sugar Candy Mountain!!!"

Luna and Twilight the logical ones of the five beings present looked like they both about to share a collective aneurism at that statement.

The solar princess followed Discord's lead and trotted between the two of them. "I Can no longer resist your powers oh great one."

"Yes, I..." He turned to the human and began to whisper in his ear. "Who was I supposed to be again?"

"Satan." Micca whispered back to the draconequus.

"Thanks, little buddy."

"Um... yeah, I the great and powerful Satan have beaten Jebesus's horse. Now I will claim by prize." The god of chaos conjured up a can of breath spray and proceeded to eat the entire can.

Celestia feigned fear. "No. Anything but that..."

"Yes, that. We all know princesses are attracted to power and amazing breath and luckily I have both, MWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Discord snaked his serpent like body around Celestia and planted a deep kiss on her muzzle.

Micca couldn't take the mental strain of what he was witnessing and started to foam at the mouth before he passed out.

The god and goddess broke the kiss and glanced over to their human guest. The former of the pair rolled his eyes before snapping his eagle talon and teleported Micca back to his home dimension.

The lunar princess and the purple unicorn were still in shock over what they had witnessed, that was before they were drenched by a summoned bucket of water.

---

On Earth

Micca woke up freezing and all he could see was white. "Huh?! What, oh it was just a bad dream."

"Shit, it's cold."

The middle aged man sat up and looked at his surroundings at the far left corner he could see what appeared to be... "Penguins?"

Suddenly the ground moved and in his peripheral vision he could see a long black fin, no, make that several black fins circling the area, letting him know that what he was sitting on was in actuality a giant ice float.

*BAM*

The penguins fled for the water and the ice float tilted upward and all Micca could see were the waiting jaws of SeaWorld’s mascot.

---

Back in Equestria

"I'm sorry; I couldn't change the human's opinions." Twilight looked down only to have her head brought back up again by her mentor.

"The sad fact is some ponies can't be changed, no matter how much we try."

"You know, Discord, that was fun and all, but did you have to use that much tongue when we pretended to kiss."

Discord slapped the white alicorn on the flank. "Who said, I was pretending?" He said as he gave her, his famous snaggle toothed grin.

Celestia looked back at Twilight with a grin. "Sometimes we don't need them to change completely..."

---

Later on at Lyra and Bon Bon's house, the two of them were still rather upset with the human they had met from earlier, Lyra more so than Bon Bon.

They suddenly heard a knock at the door and the earth pony got up to answer it.

To her shock it a human, but this one was different, it was the one she had read about from the papers: Garry Guylax, Something like that.

"Hello, is Lyra home?" The human said in a warm gruff grandfather like tone.

The candy marked mare smiled and turned her head towards the living room. "Lyra there's a guest for you!"

"Coming!"

Once the mint green mare reached the door, her eyes narrowed as she saw an old wrinkled bespectacled human in a floral print shirt, sporting a kind smile and holding a package in his left arm.

"I'm Garry Gygax, you must be Lyra. I was told by a certain purple unicorn that you wanted to see a human and that you met a real piece of work today."

"He was a real piece alright, a real piece of sh..." Lyra trailed off.

"Well, maybe you like to talk to me. I bought some cookies, Mountain Dew and a game."

"Game?" The unicorn and earth pony said together.

Garry gave a light chuckle. "Tell me, have you two ever played Dungeons and Dragons?"

That night the human and the two mares had a great time as they played the classic Role Playing Game and chugged three bottles of caffeinated soda. Oh and Bon Bon got to play as the DM... eventually.

THE END

Author's Note:

Thank you for reading this hate fic.

*note: Brother Micca rants about how Run DMC and the Beastie Boys are Satan's music. He is also married, believe it or not.*

*Also if you don't know who Garry Gygax is, then shame on you. He co-invented Dungeons and Dragons. He also makes a reoccuring appearance in my fic Cupcakes A$$ Kicking and he gets into adventures with Celestia, Luna and Discord.

clapping Applebloom by TariToons on Deviant art

Comments

[Pyro The Reader]

Satire, that's always nice.

[Doctor_Zaius]

It's always interesting to meet people like that, people that make you glad that you weren't raised under power lines.

That bit with the killer whale? LOL

Great fic, by the way dude.

[KawaiiKun]

I had the displeasure of witnessing Brother Micah myself... And quite frankly, this fic made me laugh like no other.
"Oh shit, it's Satan! Get behind me, Jesus's horse, i've been training for this my whole life!"

[thewaffler]

2638065
heh heh, small world. Thanks for the kind words.