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My name is Vermillion Blaze, and I ... can't remember anything. I've woken up in a strange place, with no clues as to how or why I got here. I'm alone. Confused. Scared.
But there still may be hope for me. These 6 ponies that I've met could be the very keys to recovering the memories I've lost. Now, I have no idea what's going to happen next, but I can already tell...
I'm in for a heck of a ride.
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Wow! Great improvement from what you originally had. Though, I think you made Vermillion getting her powers back a little to early. Maybe after she befriended the mane six and got used to Ponyville and in another battle like the one in this chapter, then realizes the power she had. And after she had the memory return to her, she could just think it as a dream, that only Unicorns can control fire.
It's just my opinion and idea on how I think the story's going, I still like, it's a great improvement from what you originally had, and everything I've said, well, aside from the compliments, are just suggestions. You don't have to take them if you don't want to cause it's your story, your the author, it's your idea from your imagination. I hope your getting the your thing I'm putting out. Anyways, can't wait for more of this fic.
I'm excited to see how things are going to turn out, and I'll see ya'll next time.
Cheers mate!
That was a huge improvement! That kind of progress that fast is a really good sign.
If I had any criticism of this chapter, it's that thing seem to be moving too fast: Vermillion learning about his powers, his befriending Flutters, and so on. The fight with the timber wolves was well paced though.
On befriending Fluttershy too fast: he seemed awfully calm for somepony who just woke up in a hospital bed; he was solicitous and kind to a degree most of us can only shoot for. Of course Fluttershy returns the kindness, but I feel like the relationship should grow a little more slowly. Let Fluttershy be the kind one.
Just my two cents.
This was a really good chapter. The pacing was spot on. No spelling of grammar issues too! Good job mate!
This is awesome!!! I really want more that includes a prequel and many sequels to come I am very intrigued in Vermillion's story please right more!!!
My first thought when I was assigned this story was, 'Ooh, pony generator image. Better warn the author about that - using things from pony generators as a cover image is associated with bad stories, making readers more likely to dismiss this story at first sight.' Now that I've read it, I think the image is an entirely appropriate indicator of the story's quality. I'll try and explain why.
First, a positive point: your grammar is generally fine. There is the occasional tense shift, though. Your story is written in the present tense, but you slip into the past tense here and there. Be on your guard against this, for few grammatical errors yank a reader out of a story quite like tense shifts do.
Your pacing is more of a problem. I've said this to many authors in many reviews: if you're going to drop big stuff on your characters' heads, you've got to show how big it is. Waking up in the middle of nowhere and realising you've lost most of your memory is something I'd file under "big stuff". When that happens, you don't just shrug and walk away, unless you're the player character from Minecraft. You freak out, or at the very least take some time to regain your bearings.
This first scene is where the biggest pacing problems are. After that, though, things still move a little too fast: Vermillion figures things out about her surroundings and becomes friends with the Mane Six quicker than a nerd can solve a Rubik's cube.
Partly causing this fast pace is that you hardly take any time to describe what anything is like - to set the scene or the mood through narration. Most of the story is just 'X happens, then Y happens, then Z...' Rather bland, don't you think?
But the single biggest problem this story has is in the characterisation. Vermillion Blaze starts out by shrugging off something that should cause considerable confusion and distress, as I pointed out above. She then encounters a bunch of scary-looking creatures she can't remember having seen before, threatening another pony. Instead of being scared out of her wits, she immediately attacks the creatures, and with extreme self-confidence, as shown by her smug internal monologue. Justified confidence, apparently, because she easily beats them.
When it's also revealed she has some kind of special power - so special it's never even hinted at in canon - the final warning light flares on and 'AWOOOGA! MARY SUE ALERT!' starts blasting through Rambler HQ.
It gets even worse when she actually starts interacting with other characters: she instantly likes everyone, and everyone instantly likes her. Hell, just count all the instances of 'awesome' in reference to Vermillion in the other characters' dialogue, or take a look at this quote:
That quite nicely sums up the biggest problem in this story: Vermillion is too perfect and special and interesting. In other words, a Mary Sue.
In fact, by this point, I started to suspect you wrote this as a deliberate parody of Mary Sue fics, since you're so literally and blatantly doing everything that's often held up as an example of how not to write. You might as well make Vermillion a red and black alicorn outright and remove all doubt.
And talking about characterisation, the Mane Six - or at least, Fluttershy, Pinkie and Twilight, the ones Vermillion's encountered so far - are incredibly flat. Generally, they talk like NPCs in old adventure games. There's a ton of clichés about Twilight being 'a total bookworm' who 'sure does look like she does a lot of studying' or Pinkie being a 'bubbly pony' who 'radiates happiness and cheer.' Did you actually watch the show, or are you just rephrasing the things you've read about the characters on merchandise packaging?
Finally, there's the syrupy-sweet tone of the whole thing (as already indicated by my comments about Vermillion instantly liking everyone and vice versa). In a way, this story is probably what an average non-brony will think the show is like. It gets particularly annoying when they're discussing Ponyville:
Looks welcoming. Good time. Like this place. Happy. Beautiful. Pleasant. Nothing but generic praise for Ponyville, a town Vermillion is seeing for the first time. Do you have a point to prove about small towns or something? (FYI, this isn't helping).
Remember Scootaloo's campfire story from S3E6 Sleepless in Ponyville? That was boring to listen to, and for the same reason, a fic which is so constantly and generically positive about everything is boring to read.
So, to sum up, we have a story with pretty serious pacing problems, a very bland and overly sweet tone, generic dialogue, cardboard-cutout versions of canon characters, and a complete and utter Mary Sue at the centre of it all. I doubt this can be salvaged, except perhaps - perhaps - by amping up the Sueness and slapping a [Comedy] tag on it; read "Snowflake's Chance in Hell" for inspiration.
As a final note, don't call your first chapter a "Prologue" unless there's a clear break in time, place and/or narrative between it and the next chapter. It looks pretentious and erodes the meaning of the word.
Signing off,
Midnight Rambler, WRITE's Flying Dutchman
2903729 First off, thank you very much for your review!
Obviously, as a new author, I knew I had a lot of things to work on. Thank you for pointing them out to me!
I had no intention to have Vermillion be a Mary Sue character. I guess I'm just not that great when it comes to writing OCs. That's something I'll need to work on then. Pacing and writing canon characters has been a weakness of mine, but that's to be expected from me right now. Maybe I should start practicing with smaller stuff before moving onto something like this, then.
Anyways, thank you very much for your help!
2903826 Initially, I felt a little bad for being so hard on you, so it's good to see you're taking this in stride.
Unless you specifically have issues with such things as worldbuilding, backstory and planning complex plots, I don't think long stories are harder to write than short ones. But of course, there's a purely practical argument for starting out with shorter stories: long stories take a lot of time and effort, so it may indeed be better to practice your writing skills in short stories, then moving on to longer ones once you're reasonably confident you can make something that's good enough to be worth that effort.
Anyway, if you need any more feedback or advice, I'll be happy to help. Two things that might be of use to you:
- Fragments, an excellent story with a very similar premise ("pony wakes up in the middle of nowhere with severe amnesia and befriends the Mane Six").
- My application for WRITE, especially my answers to the open questions. It contains some more elaborate notes on Mary Sues, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (which doesn't seem to be much of a problem in your fic, but hey, the more you know) and Show vs. Tell.