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Ponyville is obsessed with a new comic book about local superheroes The Mysterious Mare Do Well and Rainbow Flash.
Mare Do Well's secret identity as a mild-mannered unicorn librarian is unsettling enough, but the comic writer seems to know much more than they should about Ponyville's secrets, and possibly even its future.
If the comics are right, Ponyville is going to need real heroes. Heroes like Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle.
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Now that was a real quality read. Classic adventure mixed with romance, with the comics spicing things up even further. 9/10.
Already done with Chapter 1, and this story's at a good start. ^^ Good job!
… "Fillypeno"?
30 minutes of an Ice Cold Shower for Rainbow
Are you telling me Lazuli ALSO edits other stories?
Great fic. The final chapter felt a bit disjointed from the rest, but the action was great; I really love when Twilight and Rainbow fight with their brains.
I would have liked to see more costume crime fighting but this was still good.
Thank you for writing it!
2577064
Lapis must be insane right? I don't think he edits much though, he and I were already talking about this well before he offered.
Yeah, I should smooth up that last chapter I guess. I can do that!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment!
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Thank you guys so much for taking the time to make a comment!
Yeah, I was thinking I could perhaps do more with the comic/superhero stuff but every time I started to add additional comic elements it felt like it was delaying the resolution of the main story in a boring way. The thought definitely crossed my mind though.
I tried to take as much comic/pulp inspiration as I could though!
I really appreciate your comments.
But what about John Roanita and Krackle Dots, huh?
Strange, but awesome.
Loved it, truly. But why doesn't this story have three times this amount of likes? It was glorious.
Okay, I'm thinking that this is the work of someone like the guy in Heroes who could draw the future!
That said... well, Mare-do-Well and the Rainbow Flash have solved their first case and sent Screwloose to Dr Happy Pill's Secure Rest Home for Morally Challenged Ponies (aka Arkham Asylum). With this small beginnings was the Justice Herd Equestria born!
The lesson gentlecolts and fillies? Don't buck with Twilight Sparkle. Buck with Twilight Sparkle and you'll be minus several important body parts... or maybe wearing diapers and sucking on a pacifier for the rest of your life.
That cop needs to read up on 'reasonable self defence'. Twilight was in fear of her and Rainbow's life and, in that light, lethal force would be justifiable. Still, I'm sure there are plenty in the Royal Guard who are just as resentful about the Elements 'butting in' with Nightmare Moon, Discord, the Changelings and Sombra too! Yeah, we know that ordinary ponies couldn't have handled it but try telling that to some general's wounded ego!
Yeah, it had to be Pinkie, didn't it, in retrospect?
I loved your ponified names for the big names at Marvel. You must be a genuine comics fan!
Wonderful!!!
Wow, this story did not at all go where I thought it was going. It was good, great even, actually it was fantastic. I just didn't expect lord Toad-stag of all things
Sweet and cute, with an actual plot?
I like it very much.
It seems an odd thing to single out but I liked that they were both in to mares already and seem to be fine with it, this fandom has enough gay angst already. Also smart business mare Twi rocks (and the fact that that Twi has girly chat sessions with Derpy is adorable).
Good to see Stan got his cameo in as ever.
Ponyville must have the best stocked graphic novel section outside of canterlot. If you do a sequel can you have Fluttershy check out Maus without knowing what it's about?
I think this bit needs some revising.
They see a pony getting mugged, Rainbow flies to their rescue, takes one last bite from her apple and suddenly the old pony is already gone. How did she do that in the maybe five seconds that Rainbow would have needed for her stuff?
2577747 I love
your JHE idea. I hope your writing some FIM-fic too. You have some good 'word - idge' going for ya
I'm not an expert author, and I have little experience with shipfics. Still, I said that I'd give my thoughts, and here they are.
The writing for this first chapter is pretty solid. There were a number of typos, but since you're an editor, I imagine you already know that. I think that you did a reasonably good job at portraying the characters true to the show; still, I would have liked for things to go a little bit slower, and show Twilight's and Rainbow's thoughts in more detail. You don't really get inside their heads as much as I like...but that may just be my personal preference.
As far as the shipping goes, I thought it interesting that our heroines apparently curse, and that homosexuality seems to be freely accepted in Equestria. I would have thought that there would be some shock in Rainbow Dash's mind when she realizes that she has the hots for one of her best friends, who is also a nerd, who is also a mare. I suppose that if she already recognizes herself as a lesbian, that deals with the third objection...but falling for your best friend still seems like something that would cause one to step back and reflect, even for somepony as instinctive as RD. Of course, RD mentions having a crush at the end of the chapter...this confuses me. Did she know that she has a crush on Twilight the whole time? It seemed to me like she was just realizing her feelings. Of course, this all goes for Twilight too; she especially seems like the kind of pony to freak out and super-analyze any feelings she might have for her friend. But maybe I'm taking the shipping aspect too seriously? Again, I have little experience with this genre; perhaps I'm just not aware of the conventions.
As for the actual plot, it sounds interesting. I hope that there's a satisfactory conclusion. A pony that could see the future and write a comic about it would be cool, although this fic may be too short to flesh out such an idea properly. Anyway...hope that this is helpful.
(Also, not a big deal...but couldn't Twilight just send a letter to the Princess asking for help? The whole second-sun thing seemed kind of overkill.)
On the second chapter: much as the first, the writing technique itself is pretty solid despite a few typos. The plot seemed almost entirely devoted to shipping, though...although they are in a new city now, and Twilight's horn is now wounded, which I assume will keep her from god-moding any villains she encounters. However, I personally am not a fan of the "Arrive in a new city, are mugged/raped two minutes later" thing, unless we're talking about some kind of dystopia. Even then, it stretches plausibility a bit. I would have preferred for a longer, more reasoned-out plot device; the mugging just seemed to come out of now-where, especially for something so threatening and emotionally destabilizing.
Also, I personally found that the way Twilight especially responds to the incident was a bit...overdone? Of course, she did nearly kill somepony...perhaps it was the suddenness of it all that threw me off. One minute, Twilight and RD are arriving in a new city...then they're facing deadly random muggers...then Twilight is seriously injured and emotionally traumatized and full of horrible self-doubts, while also falling in love with her best friend. It all seemed so sudden. But perhaps I'm just not so familiar with shorter works?
Also, again, the stream of 'you look like a good couple' and 'she's so cute' and 'look, she's sleeping on me!' stuff seemed a little bit too quick and gimmicky for my taste. I think someone described the shipping here as 'fluffy;' I think that that's a good word to describe it. I guess the shipping aspect doesn't take itself too seriously, which is probably not necessarily a bad thing. I'm just having a little bit of trouble telling whether this is primarily a shipping story, or a mystery, or what.
Anyway. Sorry if this seems really negative; it's a good story, I'm just focusing on the areas where I thought you might be able to improve. Hopefully I can get to the next chapters soon.
My praises and objections are the same as the last chapter. Solid writing, but everything still feels rushed to me. Rainbow Dash doesn't seem like the kind of pony to have a small breakdown over a stray comment from her friend. Also, I was a bit dissappointed at the easy revelation that the source of future-telling was Pinkie Pie. Not only is that a bit obvious, but it felt a bit crammed in there at the end. I would have preferred a little bit of guessing and misdirection on the part of the protagonists. Maybe they should have thought it was somepony else, and then it turn out to be Pinkie Pie. Or vice-versa. And the revelation should have some meaning, not just be thrown in there with Twilight just sighing and thinking 'Oh, silly Pinkie Pie.' Also, I am confused as to why Pinkie Pie chose to reveal her secrets through a Manehattan comic book company. Does she even read comics? Wouldn't it have been easier to go, "Hey, Twilight, I've got these incredibly detailed visions of the future that I'd like to share?" I know that Pinkie Pie is random, but I have hard time believing that she would withhold potentially life-saving information just for the heck of it.
Anyway, looking forward to the conclusion.
I really like the skeleton of this story; a mystery, a romance, some adventure, a big fight against some ancient evil at the end. Unfortunately, it did feel like it could really use some fleshing out, to me. You describe this god as being as powerful as Discord...and all he does is grab RD and try to eat her. Doesn't use magic, doesn't speak, nothing. We get very, very little explanation as to the history of this cult and this god. What does he do when he doesn't get fed? Presumably these old mares don't feed him because they enjoy his company. The resolution to the shipping was also extremely fast. They apparently just...recognize that they like each other, and decide to make out. It, too, felt a bit anti-climatic to me. However, Twilight using her nerdiness to find a way to escape was impressive, if, again, too fast, too easy. I liked that part.
Anyway, hope that this has been helpful. Maybe I'll see you on the IRC chat later.
A completely normal and not at all creepy pastime!
2585161
Ever been to Philadelphia? City of brotherly love my ass...
Some damn good Twidash. It was a nice twist with a plot I haven't seen in a shipfic yet, so nice job!
Who the fuck messed with Twilight's horn?
Even a random deserves death for that.
This was a great ride!
I love 
the comic book angle. Can't wait for the next story
Great story, faved and thumbed up, obviously.
Great read, spotted a few small errors:
missing quotation mark before 'and' as well as a double space before 'and'
I believe it should be 'knew no fear'
I believe it should be 'cold'
Oh, and also you've earned yourself a follow.
gold should be cold.....still this was nice good job
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Thank you guys so much for taking the time to comment
I'm glad you liked it. My main goal was to write some silly happy TwiDash that had an external, adventure-y conflict rather than just the "I like her but I'm too nervous" conflict. Granted there are some other things like that, but many of them seem to be more serious or just long. Or perhaps just things I haven't read yet, of course. I aim to be a bit unusual.
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You can never have too many pony name-puns! I made a big list of them and just tried to pick a few that I thought worked, and that seemed like Twi could get into. Sadly, I couldn't think up anything for Jack Kirby, who I'd really wanted to throw in here.
You can't deny Stan Lee his cameo of course. I really don't have any thoughts for an actual sequel to this, but I wouldn't mind revisiting the world of Equestrian comic books. Poor Fluttershy would just be horrified by something like Maus.
And yeah, it's not that homophobia isn't worth addressing (and there are some great stories on that front) but I don't think it really has any place in Equestria. Not on the level that it should have to crop up in stories not about it anyway.
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Thanks for catching these errors. Fixed.
Really appreciate the comments and the error-checking!
Somebody better pick up that phone, because I FUCKING CALLED IT!!!
Wow. I am thoroughly impressed. There were I few errors I noticed, but nothing that really detracted from the reading experience. This was fun, light, and had a decent sense of mystery to it. Good show.
Yea! 70+ favorites for me
...epic Derpy Hooves moment...
Cartmane Foalitino
Quentin Tarantino?
This is going to be good. I enjoy Mare-Do-Well done right, and this is it. Plus:
2587672 I like the idea of pony cities being crime ridden cesspools. Manehatten, Cloudsdlae, Canterlot, all havens for some pony tribe, each with their own ruling class (excluding the Princesses) and hoity-toity elitists. These cities are breeding grounds for racism and hate. Ponyville is one of the few towns with this negativity, even though xenophobia is still present(remember when we meet Zecora?).
She's gonna carry that with her forever and always wonder what she could have done differently.
I avoid big cities in general, and muggings are just one of a hundreds reasons.
Poor Twilight.
Tell that to the Flash. His super speed has given him access to a large amount of abilities...Now that I think of it, "Dashpoint Paradox" sounds like a good name for a fanfic...Hm.
Finally, someone who realizes that Twilight over-thinks things and that Dash rushes in, and that it balances each other out. Together they make the best team!
I'm super late to this story XD.
2669585 You're so right!
Love. This!