In the Mood (To kiss you)
As you regain consciousness, you find yourself in a boutique, littered with fabrics, half-finished dresses, and garish mannequins, several propped haphazardly against each other in mutual support.
"Oh, thank Celestia you're up!"
The familiar voice caused him to turn rapidly, inciting another jolt of pain from his side.
"Do try not to move, dearie. You were pretty roughed up when we found you, and I certainly don't want to make this any more painful than it already must be."
You gently turn to the voice, finding none other than Rarity, a worried look on her face and a glad of water in hoof.
"Drink." She says. You need no more prodding as you take great, greedy sips of the opaque liquid. After it has disappeared, you hear Rarity call for somepony.
"Oh Twilight! Our guest has awoken!"
A purple unicorn wavers into your field of vision. "Well hello! Im Twilight Sparkle."
"Friend of Rarity's?" you muster.
A quick nod confirms your suspicions. "Now listen," she continues, "Rarity told me about you getting jumped, but she didn’t stay around for the fight, so you'll have to fill us in on what happened after that."
You grunt in approval. "Well, the two stallions had cornered Rarity in an alley. So, I jumped in between them, and told Rarity to run. After she got away, I got my flanks handed to me, pardon my language."
"Such a gentlecolt," muses Rarity.
"Well," cuts in Twilight, "That's pretty much what we expected to hear. Now, you'll need to stay here and rest for a while before you can get back on your hooves again."
"Oh no," you say, bemused by the predicament Twilight just implied, "I don't want to be such a burden. I can't imagine-"
"No buts!" says Rarity, showing a forcefulness of her tone that almost makes you flinch. "You saved me from whatever wretched things those two Stallions were planning to do to me, and they beat you up for it! The least I can do is allow you to rest here for a while."
Against everything you have been taught in terms of manners, you agree. "No more than a day, though. I simply cannot stand imposing."
"You, sir, are not the least bit imposing! It's a rather slow work day, anyway."
"Okay... I guess." you reply, still unwanting to be burdensome to the mare that helped you so much already.
"Well, I need to go." Says Twilight. "The princess is expecting a report on my studies on group teleportation."
"Okay, dearie. Have fun!" Rarity shuffles close and says in a hushed tone, "Sometimes I simply do NOT know what she babbles on about."
You can't help but agree.
As Twilight leaves the building, shutting the door with a subdued slam, you find yourself alone with Rarity. You feel a familiar flutter enter your stomach as you stare at the mare.
"Why am I feeling like this?"
"What was that dearie?"
You realize you said that out loud, enduring the blood to rush to your face. "Oh, nothing. Just thinking, that's all."
"Okay then."
A long string of silence passes through the boutique. Eventually, you decide to break the silence. "So... May I assume from the decor of this establishment that this is a boutique?"
"Only the best in all of Ponyville!" pipes Rarity, eager for an opportunity to show off. "Everything I make is unique and magnificent! I AM the best dressmaker around, after all."
A thought pops into your head. "Say, do you happen to do repairs? My jacket was torn to shreds in the fight, and it's my last piece of formal wear."
Determination mixed with excitement cross her face. "Why I'd LOVE to! It's the least I can do, after all."
You lift yourself up off the couch (painfully) and take off the tattered remains of your jacket, depositing them in the eager arms of Rarity. The mare holds up the jacket in front of her, a forlorn expression adorning her face. "Pity... This was a very nice jacket... Oh well! Time to go to work!" She spins on her hooves and sets about her task in a flurry of pins, cloth, and string that engulf the entirety of the building. You are pelted by bits of various materials, and at one point you are fairly certain you have been impaled by a safety pin.
After several minutes of an invariable hurricane of fabrics, the mare emerges, carrying your jacket. All noticeable tears and holes have been seamlessly patched, and the seams all re-stitched. You turn it over in your hooves, you notice something stitched over the back pocket. A swath of fabric in the shape of the letter "R" has been sewn over the original label.
You give an inquisitive look at Rarity. "Well, SOMEPONY has to know who made such a masterpiece of fashion!"
You can only laugh at such self endorsement, but decide not to bring it up. It is, after all, more than a fair trade for your temporary lodging.
“Can I tell you something?” Rarity turns to look at you, the sincerity in her tone making you melt. “I really would like to thank you for what you did last night. I know that if you hadn’t intervened… well, it wouldn’t have turned out well for me. It breaks my heart that you got so hurt all over me.”
You smile weakly. “Well, Miss Rarity, I know that whatever happened to me was worth saving such an amazing pony as you.”
Her face turned a deep crimson, and before you know it, she is enveloping you in a hug. The soft warmth of her pristine fur against you startles you, but you give in and return the affection without complaint. She holds the embrace for some time before turning away. You are surprised to see her welling up with tears. “It’s just… all the stallions in this town… they only appreciate me for my beauty. Nopony I’ve ever dated really cared about my personality. They just wanted me for my body…” she stumbled on the last words before sobbing lightly. Clearly, this whole experience has hit her harder than it has you.
Summoning the remainder of your strength, you lift yourself off the couch and limp over to her, embracing her once again. She takes the invitation, crying softly into your shoulder. She continues for some time, until, devoid of more tears, she parts from you. “Thank you…” she says, wiping the luminous trails of tears from her face. “I feel better getting that out of my system. You really are a great friend.”
You smile again, seeing the life begin to return to the mare. She laughs skittishly. “Goodness, I must seem like an emotion wreck now.”
You return the smile. “Emotions make us a wreck. It is in controlling them that we find strength and purpose.”
Her face takes on an awed expression. “You certainly have a way with words…” her voice trails off as she leans slightly closer to you, still enveloped in your embrace. Your heartbeat quickens to a gallop, and you feel yourself being pulled towards the mare in front of you. You close your eyes, allowing the unicorn’s mane to subconsciously intermingle with yours. Just as your lips are about to touch, her eyes shoot open as an almost filly like squeal escapes her lips.
“Idea!” she drags out the word, putting a sing song tone into it. She rushes off, breaking the embrace and almost knocking you over. She dives into a large pile of fabrics as the storm of designing items begins to swirl around her.
You sigh, and recline on the couch, defeated. You can no longer deny that you like this mare, but obviously, she doesn’t feel the same way. Why else would she just run off on you after-
You feel a pair of soft lips touching yours. You open your eyes in surprise to see Rarity, planting a light kiss on your lips. Every single moment of ecstasy in your life combined pale in comparison to this moment. Imaginary trumpets blare, fanfare erupts from the heavens themselves, and fireworks explode in your head in a rush of unadulterated bliss that causes the blood to rush to your head. You surrender yourself to the moment of elation.
Just as quickly as it begins, the moment is over. Rarity pulls away and smiles politely a maddening blush overcoming her face as well as yours. Before you can say anything, she resumes her designing, leaving you on the couch with a confused but elated expression on your face. You lie down, feeling faint as the blood drains from your head, contenting yourself to replay the kiss in your head as you silently drape a blanket over yourself and attempt to get some sleep.
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So what do you think? Go or no go?
A Rarity shipfic?
And in SECOND PERSON?!
AUTOREAD 8D
interesting...
...go, definite go
This is a great concept. But there's a lot of mechanical things that immediately jump out at me that are frustrating.
1)You mix thoughts with speech and then with normal narration in a way that's pretty confusing. There needs to be a solid seperation of church and state like division between those. Take a look at this snippet of my Nightmare Moon fic:
“So,” she murmured, and she moved herself up until she sat right on the bed. Oh, oh… my goodness… Strawberry felt the oddest combination of fear, exhaustion, and feral instinct. Oh… what am I… The latter feeling took over, and he braced himself a bit forward.
Moon shifted her head over seductively. She continued, “Another… round…”
I'm not trying to self-promote here, but you see what I mean-- Actions such as Moon shifted her head over seductively (not italicized, not in equation marks) are kept solidly separate from Speech such as “Another… round…” (not italicized, always in equation marks) and both are solidly separate from Thoughts such as Oh, oh… my goodness… (always italicized, never in equation marks).
2)You're really inconsistent about both spacing and paragraph size. So you'll have a huge wall-of-text paragraph with sentences upon sentences all smacked together, and then a tiny line of something else happening.
3)You have a lot of sentences that are run-on or otherwise just should be broken up. An example is:
Ponies mill about, some tipsy from the copious amounts of alcohol they had, some talking quietly amongst themselves, and a precious few actually watching you melodically labor over your instrument of choice: the saxophone.
That would be better as, say:
The ponies mill about. You see a lot of them tipsy from the copious amounts of alcohol that they've had. Many others just talk quietly amongst themselves. A precious few actually watch you melodically labor over your instrument of choice: the saxophone.
Go.
Go
MOAR!
188416 thank you for presenting constructive criticism. I can certainly say that the NEXT CHAPTER will have to be edited more for those mistakes, but I guess I shouldn't be rushing this is the first place
188484 there's something on your face.
PUNCH
IT WAS PAIN!!!!
Also: It's an excellent concept! Keep it up!
188458 I tend to rush things out myself as well, but what I try to do is to first write the thing here in the edit page. Then, save it without publishing it. I close the editing page and then I look at it in the different form by clicking on the unpublished version. It helps to see it in the different format.
I'll also take some time to, say, eat something or watch tv or whatever for a little while and then view the chapter with fresher eyes.
P.S. You should add this to the shipping pages here: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=68 and here: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=3
P.S.S. I'm curious what you think of my own shipping stories... since I was thinking of making one about Rarity at some point soon, but now I find that the subject is pretty well covered
.188536 I'm an expert in shipping fics now? Cool.
If I may enter fanbrony mode for a moment, I really like A Nightly Romance and Nightmare date. They are both really well written fics, and are simply enjoyable to read. I would tread lightly when it comes to Rarity fics, though. Not saying you shouldn't write one, but I would check around to be sure the idea you roll with is original. Don't want to upload 10 chapters of something that's already happened accidentally. That would not end pleasantly...
188562
Hey, thanks! To the extent that I ever do anything with Rarity, I'm pretty sure that I'll make it part of another larger, overall story. Yeah, I've spent a lot of time on ANR and ND... I have a lot of cognitive dissonance about them since I hadn't set out to be a 'romance author' when I started fanfiction writing. My heart and soul has been devoted to this one book-length adventure story idea. I look back at ANR / ND, and I don't know whether or not I'm really proud of them or not... I guess on balance I am. I hope I can be. I'm also very glad that you like them.
I'm looking forward to more of your story here too.
I gotta read this!
Dashie's my girl, but this is gonna be awesome!
188662 As a plot tangent to a larger story, you really can't go wrong.
Also, be proud of ANR and ND! They're Both great stories! Also, when I first set out writing fanfics, I hoped to make these epic million word book-sized adventures, but now I just do one or two chapter ditties. Due at least in part to the fact that I'm manic depressive, I really can't hold a steady plot tangent for more than a few weeks without becoming bored with it, and this is the first multi-chapter story I've attempted that actually succeeded. So... Yay, I guess?
"Only the beast in all of Ponyville!" pipes Rarity, I shit myself laughing when I read this spelling error.But other than that I didn't see any other noticeable errors, I hope you keep up the good work
"Whatever type of horrible things they were to do to me"?
You know air-dammed well what they were gonna do to you, Rarity!
188680
Sure, thank you! Yeah, I suppose I should be pretty proud-- they were both featured on this site after all.
I guess it's just my own depressive-ish as well as ocd-ish personality side shinging through that I can't take compliments well.
It's great talking with you and I hope you keep writing this.
You just love poetic describing, huh? Putting overly much and subjective adjectives into mundane things.
Not a complaint, though, just feels... weird to me personally.
It might be because I'm making a 1st person sensual myself and write the character's thoughts close to what a normal person would think.
188751 I'm always here, my friend
188416 Air-dam, boy, now I gotta read your NMM fic!
Sweet and holy Celestia, i've escaped the "A Slice of Life" page, i'm safe from the apocalypse!
Wait, there is no more story to read!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
190933 .....what?
why the boutique?
I mean Ponyville has a hospital...
A very nice tale well written! Loving how this is going, hehee.
Good show!
That’s some pretty shitty water
Its good but it'd be better if it were an actual character instead of a self insert.