Princess Celestia teaches a magic school for ponies. (Mostly unicorns.) Harry Potter crossover!
Chapters (2)
superpony55
Joined 4th Mar, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- xenobrony · 1.1k words · 95 4 · 3.6k views
- Wolfram Alpha · 62k words · 323 21 · 5.6k views
- Ssendam the Masked · 18k words · 233 13 · 4.2k views
- The Wind King · 23k words · 417 38 · 6.6k views
- Mega NewWays97 · 23k words · 647 68 · 26k views
- Mr Darkstone · 18k words · 251 34 · 6.4k views
- Kit-San · 19k words · 217 24 · 7.1k views
- TcogArchitect · 4.5k words · 755 116 · 12k views
Featured In7
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.1 seconds
Total duration
902 users online
586,476 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
If you have any suggestions, please feel free to tell me!
Okay, for starters there's a grammar error in the first chapter.
I think you meant 'were'.
But the Princess doesn't explain more in the letter because it's seems like the letter's only several sentences long. I know you want Celestia to give a scare to Twilight, but even then if she's trying to get Twilight to a new school that she wants Twilight to name (you also need to explain why Celestia wants Twilight to name it), she'd add an explanation at the end.
The chapters seem a bit too short. It doesn't really ground the reader into the story's setting and plot that well because everything's moving too fast, and we also don't have time to know the personality of the protagonists or characters. Plus, it's detrimental to the pacing, so it's better to make certain dramatic scenes longer to avoid getting the reader disoriented.
Fast paced scenes are okay in action sequences, but in times when characters are conversing or not being in constant action, it's better to describe things slowly. This is the beginning of a larger story, after all; the vital time when the reader gets to know who the characters are, where they are and why the reader should care for them. With the story's current pace, the reader isn't going to be interested because they know so little about what's going on. Where is Twilight pacing around? Why is there an alicorn named Harry Potter and an Earth pony named Hagrid (they're not exactly pony names)? What is the train station like? When writing, keep asking yourself the same questions a reader would ask when reading your story, even obvious ones.
2374313 Thanks again, I'll fix it, that's the sort of things my parents always tell me!
I'll change Hagrid's name, but I kind of want to keep Harry's (since it's a Harry Potter crossover).
2833163
Thanks!
The Chapters Should Be Longer. Atleast 1000 Words In My Opinion
2846112
The next chapters will be longer.
I am...not a big fan of Harry Potter....okay that's a flat out lie I've never even read a single book and I only watched part of one of the movies and I didn't like it. That said.
MOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!
That is umm.......if you don't mind that is......
Also, can you get some real cover art? Like, go on the MLP wiki and get a picture of Twilight doing magic or something. Because seriously, that little pencil sketch makes me want to cry.
This story has been officially graded an Agate by The Gem Hunters.
Same issues I keep finding with your stories. Slow down a bit. Provide more descriptions. Extend the chapter length. Also, was it really necessary to make Harry an alicorn? A unicorn would have been just fine.
3728744
Right. My later stories are slower, and Harry was an Alicorn because of Quidditch.
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/003/a/3/agates_by_shiranuishiningstar-d70ortg.jpg
A Gem Hunter's Agates
3094996 That's a little mean, but I have to agree. When you see the smaller version of the story, you can't see the picture. A screencap of Twilight would make your story more recognizable.