A feeling
Twilight woke up as she felt a small amount of pain coming from her back. She slowly sat up as she opened her eyes and turned her head to look at the source of the pain. After taking a look she just dropped her head and sighed. "Not again," she said as she got out from her bed, the small amount of pain she felt was coming from her new wings, it had been a week since she became an alicorn but she still had trouble sleeping at night, this being the third time she woke up to find a sore wing. When would she learn how to sleep without damaging her wings? She just hoped that she would learn how to sleep without putting her wings to sleep soon.
She stretched her wings for a few minutes, moaning in content as the pain faded away. After this, she was wide awake. "Well, time to start the day, I have a good feeling about today." a racket came from the first floor of the library, she sighed as she made her way to the stairs, "Not again."
As Twilight descended the stairs, she saw a little dragon chasing an owl through the library. "Come back you coward!" The little dragon exclaimed.
"Spike!" Twilight shouted as the little dragon jumped in an attempt to grab his flying target. Spike had almost caught Owlowiscious, but the shout startled him and instead, he just landed with a loud thump to the floor. "Why are you fighting?" The alicorn asked with an authoritative tone.
"He's being a jerk!" Spike exclaimed as he stood up, glaring daggers at the owl, who had just landed at the top of a bookshelf . "I asked him to go wake you up for breakfast, and he just kept asking 'Who?'"
"Who?" said Owlowiscious.
"Aaaaaghhhhh!!" Spike shouted while running to the bookshelf. "Come here you piece of-"
"Spike, just drop it!"
"But Twi-"
"Just drop it," Twilight said while stomping her hoof on the floor, "just stop before you two start messing up everything like yesterday. You almost broke the Element’s crystal display." Twilight pointed at the five golden necklaces and the golden tiara that were placed next to the library's stair.
"I... I'm sorry Twilight." Spike said as he dropped his head to the floor.
"It's okay Spike, " she said as she walked close to the dragon and nuzzled him, "just go and make up with Owlowiscious."
Spike pulled away and nodded at Twilight, he walked to the bookshelf at which his nocturnal feathered friend was, just stopping one meter away from it, he looked up before he apologized. "I'm sorry."
"Who?"
"You son of a-"
"Spike!"
"Agh! Just forget it, I'm going back to bed." Spike went upstairs with a frown on his face.
Twilight took some time to clean up the little mess from the fight from earlier and after she ate the magnificent breakfast that her number one assistant had prepared for her, she left her home and started to walk towards the market. She wasn't going there to buy anything, she was going there hoping she could meet one of her friends.
Yesterday she hadn't met with anyone because she had stayed at home to read some important documents about Equestria that she needed to know now that she was a princess. However, today she had decided to take a break, and she knew that Applejack was in charge of the apple stand that morning. "I have a good feeling about today." She thought.
As she walked, she saw a white cloud in the sky disappear with a 'poof' and when she looked closer, she saw the iconic prismatic mane and tail of a certain cyan coated pegasus. Twilight smiled at the sight of one of her friends and started to flap her wings. It took a moment, but she was now flying a few centimeters off the ground, now moving her wings faster she flew directly towards her friend.
She was moving slowly, after all, it had only been a week since she grew a pair of wings, actually, it was surprising how well she was doing it considering the short amount of time. It helped a lot that she had read some books about pegasis anatomy and aerodynamic concepts in the past and that she was good putting into practice what she learned. "Woah, woow!" She yelled as she almost fell to the ground after a small wind passed her. “Well, you need practice before you can do something perfect.”
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight called out to her friend as she was getting closer.
Rainbow Dash was about to buck a cloud when she got startled by the alicorn, causing her to hit the cloud in the wrong place. A bolt of lightning shot from the cumulus towards the ground, barely missed a couple that was passing by, a few seconds passed as the couple tried to calm down after nearly getting electrocuted, they glared furiously at Rainbow.
"Whoops," Rainbow smiled awkwardly, placing her hoof at the back of her head, "sorry."
"Hey Rainbow," Twilight said flying next to her friend, "I'm sorry for scaring you."
"Y-you, scaring The Dash?" Rainbow laughed, Twilight thought there was a little amount of nervousness in there. "Pssst, no, no, no, nothing scares me, I-I'm the bravest pony in all Equestria." Rainbow waved her front hooves around more than necessary while giving a weird smile.
"Rainbow, are you okay?" Twilight asked, giving her friend a confused look."You're acting kind of weird."
"Me? Acting weird? Nonononono." the cyan pegasus shook her head at full speed.
"Are you sure? maybe you are a little sick." The alicorn started to close the distance between the two mares, raising a hoof to touch the pegasus forehead, but she wasn't able to reach her objective, the pegasus was slowly flying away.
"I'mtotallyok,notsickatall,lookatthetime,gottogo,havetotakeoversomeclouds." As she finished, Rainbow flew away at full speed, Twilight just looked in confusion as her cyan friend flew to the distance, ignoring the clouds that she was supposed to take over.
"Well, that was weird." Twilight said to herself as she resumed her way to the market, she advanced a good distance before landing, she enjoyed to fly but it was tiring, she waited a few seconds before she started her walk.
Twilight finally arrived to the market, some ponies waved at her while others bowed when she got close to them. Her new status as a princess was well know in Equestria, she felt a little uncomfortable as they bowed. She had asked to the ponies in town to just treat her as usual. Some ponies did as she asked, others just continued their reverence, Twilight was reluctant in the beginning about their actions, but she had started to enjoy it. "I have a good feeling."
She was getting closer to the apple stand when a grin appeared on her face, not only was the country pony there, a white unicorn was also present. She walked faster to meet with her friends.
"Hi girls,"Twilight said as she slowed down.
The conversation that the two ponies were having was abruptly interrupted as they reacted in surprise to the new voice that joined them.
"Oh, hi there s-sugarcube," Applejack barely managed to say that last word, her face turned a little red.
"Hello d-darling," now it was Rarity the one having troubles saying one of her characteristic words, she just gazed to the ground after this.
"Uummm," Twilight tilted her head to the side, looking from the red faced pony to the white unicorn and back, "are both of you okay?"
"Never better" both answered at the same time.
There was a moment of silence, Twilight looked to her friends, but they didn't look back at her, she managed to see Rarity's face turning to a light shade of pink and Applejack starting to sweat, "There's something wrong here," she thought as she kept looking at her friends.
"So-" Twilight finally broke the silence only to be interrupted by her orange coated friend.
"Well, see ya, There are some trees waiting to be bucked!" Applejack said as she started running out of the market.
"Wait, Applejack, what about the stand?" Twilight said, but the earth pony was so fast that was already out of sight, she just sighed, "what's wrong with her?"
"I don't know," Rarity answered, she looked just as confused as Twilight was about her friend's action.
"And what's wrong with you?" Twilight asked to Rarity.
"Emmmm, ummmm" Rarity suddenly turned to a mass of nervousness, a stronger shade of pink appearing all over her coat, "Oh! look at the time, I have to pick up Sweetie Belle from school," she finally answered.
"School only started three hours ago," Twilight said her disbelieving eyes boring into Rarity, a frown appearing on her face.
"Ammmmm, bye," Rarity ran in the direction opposite to that which the earth pony had taken, disappearing almost as fast.
Twilight was totally confused now, “what did just happened?” She would have chased after the white unicorn, but she couldn't just leave the apple stand alone, she decided to take care of it. Maybe, with some luck, Applejack would come back and the lavender pony would take that opportunity to get some answers from her friend.
Time passed as she stood next to the apple stand, she sold some apples as customers showed up, she thought it would be harder. Applejack always appeared to be dealing with customers that tried to get a discount, but not a single pony argued with Twilight about the price, "The benefits of being a princess," she said inwardly as she chuckled.
As she gave a bag of apples to her last customer, she saw Fluttershy buying some carrots from Carrot Top's stand, "Hey! Fluttershy!" Twilight said as she waved to her yellow friend.
Fluttershy eeped and jumped at the sudden call, a reaction similar to the ones three of her friends had shown earlier that day. Then again, this was Fluttershy, it was normal to get this kind of reaction from her.
The yellow pegasus turned around and looked directly at Twilight, a little blush appeared on her face before she hid behind her mane, she started to walk backwards, running into some ponies that were talking behind her. "Sorry," she apologized before turning tail and running towards her cottage.
“Well, that was strange, what's wrong with everypony today?" Twilight asked to herself while placing a hoof on her temple, she closed her eyes and sighed, her 'good feeling' was now totally forgotten.
Finally, Twilight left the apple stand after Big MacIntosh showed up. He thanked her for taking care of the stand and for the good amount of bits she had acquired with her sales, then he apologized for his sister behavior. Twilight just shook her head saying that there was no need to apologize, and asked if Big Mac knew why his sister was acting weird, but he wasn't sure either, she was fine this morning.
It was now lunch time and the lavender pony was hungry, so she decided to buy something to eat from Sugarcube Corner, and, she would take the chance to look if Pinkie Pie was acting just as weird as her other friends.
As she opened the bakery's front door, a bell announced her presence, the place was full, something normal at this hour of the day, she just walked to the counter where her pink friend was smiling at her, "Well, so far everything looks fine," she thought as she walked.
"Hi Twilight" started the earth pony, keeping her smile on her face.
"Hello Pinkie," Twilight said as she returned the smile,"How are you today?"
"I was fine, but now I'm perfect," she answered with a bigger smile.
"Huh? wh-"
"So, what do you want to eat?" Pinkie interrupted Twilight.
"Oh! ummm, just give me a pie, you can choose the flavor,"
"Okie-Dokie-Lokie" Pinkie said as she went to the kitchen, after a few seconds, she returned with a pie on her back, "here you go, an apple pie."
"Thanks," Twilight was about to grab the pie when the word 'apple' made her think about earlier, "hey Pinkie, can I ask you something?"
"Sure thing Twi."
"Do you know if something happened to Applejack and the other girls"
"What do you mean?" Pinkie tilted her head to the side with a confused expression on her face.
"Well, today I met with everyone, at different times, whenever I called to one of them, they reacted kind of... weird, the conversation would be strange, and after a moment, they would just run away."
"Ummm," Pinkie said as she rubbed her chin with her hoof, "sorry Twi, I don't know."
Twilight sighed at this answer, "Thanks anyway, here," Twilight levitated some bits to the counter, "I'm gonna eat the pie at home," she said as she grabbed the pie with her magic, "bye Pinkie."
"Bye Twilight," Pinkie said as the lavender mare left the shop.
Twilight was feeling better now after her talk with pinkie, "It's good to see that at least Pinkie is acting normal," she told to herself, she just walked a few steps more before she realized something. She lost control of the magic that was holding the pie which flew some meters and landed over the head of a blonde pegasus with gray coat, this made Twilight snap out of the shock.
"Whoops, sorry Derpy" Twilight said as she got closer to the pony.
"Why?" Derpy asked as she licked the pie out of her face. "Apple is my favorite! Thanks."
"Ummm, well sorry anyways," Twilight was about to help clean the pegasus, but she just decided to let her be as she saw how much the blonde mare was enjoying the pie, trying to reach every place of her head, only using her tongue.
Twilight walked away and continued to think about the sudden realization she had before throwing the pie, Pinkie acted normal, not Pinkie-normal, but normal-normal. A cold shiver went downwards Twilight's back, this surely was the weirdest thing that had happened today, if Pinkie Pie was acting normal, there definitely was something wrong.
Twilight started to run "What's wrong with them?" Twilight thought as she passed some ponies that waved or bowed to her, "everyone else is acting normal, Spike acted like he always does, Big Mac and Derpy also acted like always, so why are my friends acting so weird today." Twilight was getting closer to the library, "But there's something in common, they started to act weird when they saw me, everyone was doing their usual stuff, but when I talked to them..." Twilight slammed open her home's door and entered in an instant.
"Spike, I need your help!" she cried out.
"I need some help too," a voice came from behind the open door, as Twilight closed it, a purple dragon appeared from behind, "ouch" he said as he rubbed his head.
"Sorry Spike," Twilight grinned apologetically, "but I need your help."
"What is it Twilight? you look really serious, is something wrong?"
"Well, I think it is," Twilight started to walk in circles, she was thinking hard on what to do, she finally stopped after some minutes.
"Okay, I need you to go and tell Rainbow and the girls that they have to go to Ghastly Gorge at five o'clock, if they ask why, just think something up, and don't tell them that I was the one who asked you to do it."
"Why can't I tell them?" Spike asked confused by what Twilight had asked him to do.
"Let's just say that I have a feeling," Twilight said with a worried expression on her face.
Spike just nodded and sprinted out of the library, Twilight watched as her little assistant disappear as he turned at the corner of a house, she then started to formulate the course of action she would take this afternoon on her head.
At five o'clock, the blue of the sky was slowly changing a tint of pink, there was a strong wind blowing in the gorge and five ponies were standing in the middle of it. Applejack was the one to show up first, followed by Rainbow and Pinkie, Rarity appeared a few minutes later, and lastly, Fluttershy, who had managed to build up enough courage to go to that place.
"What's going on?" Rarity asked as the yellow pegasus joined the group.
"Ah have no idea sugarcube," Applejack answered as she looked around, "Spike told me that Ah had to come here at Five, that it was somethin' important that required ma presence."
"That's the same he told me, but didn't gave me more information, not even that all of you were coming too." Rainbow said as she looked to each of the present ponies.
"So, umm... what are we suppose to do?" Fluttershy asked quietly.
"Oh, oh! Maybe Spike wants to do a surprise party, so he asked us to come here where no one could hear us planning it," Pinkie said as she started to jump around the other four ponies. "Wow, this is going to be awesome, a party planned by all of us, just imagine how great it's going to be, the balloons, the streamers, the music, the food, the piñata, the punch, the games, the decoration, the ponies, the fun, the-."
"Sorry Pinkie Pie, but this is not a meeting to organize a party," a new voice interrupted the pink pony's babbling.
Pinkie stopped jumping and the other four squeaked as they turned around, looking for the place from which the familiar voice came. From the top of the gorge, a purple pony spread her wings and jumped off the cliff, slowly descending to the place the other five ponies were standing. After Twilight landed, she looked at each of her friends face, they were surprised, eyes wide open, two of them had retreated a few steps.
"We are here to answer some questions," Twilight said with a tone that startled her friends, "my questions."
"What is this about?" Rainbow asked pointing a hoof at Twilight, but quickly lowering it as the lavender mare looked at her.
"You, all of you, have been acting weird, but, only towards me," her tone of voice dropped at the last part.
"That's not true s-su-sugarcube," Applejack said.
"No?" Twilight looked directly at Applejack, "A minute ago you said 'sugarcube' perfectly, To. Rarity. And just now, you barely managed to say it, To. Me." Twilight finished stomping her hoof to the ground.
Applejack started to sweat a lot, a nervous smile appeared on her face as she looked around her, finally her eyes locked in one clear path of the gorge and she started to run. Before she could get far, Twilight's horn brightened as a stone wall that was as wide as the gorge path emerged from the ground, blocking Applejack route of escape, a second one emerged from behind Twilight, and finally, one last stone wall was located above the group of ponies. They were trapped inside, in total darkness until a bright light emanated from Twilight's horn.
"I'm sorry for doing this girls, but no one is leaving this place before I get some answers, "Twilight said, her voice was low, but perfectly clear, "Why? Why are you acting like this towards me." Twilight paused for breath and continued. "Is it because I'm a princess now? Is that you do not feel comfortable around me anymore?" Twilight dropped her head, "Do you no longer consider me your friend?"
"Oh, Twilight," Fluttershy said as she approached the lavender pony, "Don't worry, not a single one of those things is true."
"She's right Twilight, I think I speak for everyone when I say that we all still consider you our friend," Rarity said from behind Fluttershy.
"Yeah," now it was Rainbow Dash talking, "we are a hundred and twenty percent your friends."
"Really?" Twilight started, a single tear falling from her eye, "You... you don't hate me or anything like that?"
"Silly filly, we could never hate you," Pinkie said as a huge smile formed on her mouth,"in fact, I love you."
"Thanks Pink-" Twilight suddenly stopped as she realized what her friend had just told her.
"WHAT!" four voices echoed inside the stone cage.
"W-what did you just said pinkie?" Twilight asked with a light blush on her face.
"I said that I love you" three ponies had their eyes wide open, and Twilight was blushing so hard that she could illuminate the inside of the cage without the help of her horn.
"What do you mean that you love her?" Rainbow and Rarity asked at the same time.
"Well, that I, Pinkamena Diane Pie, am in love with Twilight," Pinkie answered as if it was the most casual thing of the world.
"You can't be in love of her," Rainbow said as she grabbed Pinkie by the shoulders.
"Why not?" Pinkie asked while smiling.
"Because... because... um," Rainbow let go of Pinkie's shoulders.
"Girls," this was the first time Applejack had spoken since Twilight trapped all of them, "Ah also have something to say," she gulped as she got near to Twilight, she hesitated for a moment, "Ah love you Twilight."
"What?" Twilight asked so quietly that it was barely audible, Fluttershy eeped and Rarity and Rainbow were wide eyed with their jaws hanging.
"Ah love you," Applejack repeated, she closed her eyes before continuing, "that's the reason why Ah was acting so weird today, Ah was so nervous in front of you, Ah didn't know how to act," she opened her eyes, looking directly at Twilight. "Ah don't know when Ah started to feel like this, but Ah suddenly realized ma feelings to you," a blush appeared on her face, and Twilight's blush just intensified.
A sigh was heard and Twilight turned to look the source of it, a white unicorn, "Well, now that we are being honest with our feelings," Rarity paused, got closer to Twilight and continued, "I love you, Twilight, and it's just like Applejack said. I don't know when this started."
Twilight's head started to spin, "What's going on?" She thought while she looked to the three ponies that had just confessed to her, her head slowly turned to look at her blue and prismatic friend, "Oh no, don't tell me that-"
"I also love you Twilight," Rainbow said while looking down as she fidgeted the floor with her hoof, "I-I was flying one day, I saw you walking around and suddenly, I had this weird feeling inside of my chest and my stomach..." she looked up to Twilight, "a cool feeling."
Twilight was wide open and shaking, so much blood was flowing to her face that the rest of her body color was starting to dim, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then she opened them and looked directly at the yellow pegasus. Fluttershy just nodded before hiding behind her mane, there was no need for more.
"Ummmm, uuhhhh," Twilight wasn't sure what to say, she was sweating as much as Applejack was before trapping them, this was so sudden, so unexpected, she wanted to run, "I... I..." Twilight backed a few steps before hitting the stone wall behind her, she panicked, there were five pair of eyes looking at her, "I'm sorry," Twilight finally said, a bubble of light surrounded her and suddenly, the stone cage was in total darkness.
There was a moment of silence that was finally broken by Rainbow, "Did Twilight just teleported out and left us trapped in here?"
"Well darling, what did you expected?" Rarity said as she illuminated the place with her horn. "After she heard the confession of love, of not only one, but five of her friends, I don't blame her for her reaction," she started to look to each one of the remaining ponies in the room, "I must say that I'm surprised, not as much as Twilight of course."
"So..." Fluttershy talked with her soft voice. "Its true? A-all of you are also in love of Twilight?"
"That's what it looks like," Applejack said while looking to her friends, "How did this happen?"
"Oh you little silly Applety-Jackity, It was unavoidable," Pinkie said as she started to giggle before continuing, "I mean, just look at Twilight and that flank of hers, wow."
Four faces turned like tomatoes, nobody contradicted that statement, there was a long pause, a little cough came from the country pony, breaking the silence.
"Well, we better get outta here, any ideas?" Applejack asked while examining the stone wall.
"Leave it to me," Pinkie said as she materialized her party cannon out from nowhere, everyone wanted to ask how Pinkie had done it, but the pink mare continued before they could, "go to the opposite wall and cover your ears, this is about to get noisy."
Four ponies did as they were asked, a few seconds later, a loud explosion resonated in the barely illuminated room, after the cloud of dust dissipated, the last rays of light from the day showed through the hole.
"Wow, nice job Pinks" Rainbow said as the group of ponies started to get to the new exit.
"No problemo."
"Well, what do we do now?" Fluttershy asked as she made her way through the hole.
"I guess we just wait to see what happens," Rarity said as she started to head out of the gorge, "Twilight needs time to think," four ponies nodded while they followed the white unicorn back to Ponyville.
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this looks like it will be good! also FIRST
Herds, herds everywhere.
~Hearn
Did I hear 'proofread'?
You are in need of a proofreader for this?
I don't know yet how many mistakes are there, but yeah, i'm looking for a proofreader.
>Everyone
Just looking at the title, I am having doubts about this.
Interesting. You´re only missing the Twishy group then your tags are complety. XD
I liked how we got from the 4 running away/Pinkie acting normal-normal (genius stroke right here! I also had to pause reading and scroll up when i realized with Twi why Pinkie´s normalness felt so weird. XD) to Twi getting her answers outta the mares which ends with her running away. XDDD
The Luna confession gonna be so awesome~
I suspect a Trixie to come along too and maybe a Cheerliee and a Spitfire... though that might be too much for our little bookworm to handle even if she´s an alicorn now.^^; (or just the right amount, who knows? XD)
Oh, and i liked how you made her change into an alicorn a thing in this chapter: With her problems to sleep correctly in the bed with her wings, with her slow flying and mistakes during it, her enjoying flying but also feeling it exhausting thus walking on the ground more often cause she´s used to, some ponies bwing before her and some not and ofc nopony would dare to speak against a princess of Equestria when she sells you apples.
Twi herd/harem seems to become more and more of a thing.
That or i´m just reading all Twiharem fics made the past two years at the same time.^g^
Commas after dialogue, not periods. Here's a quick primer.
HAD been
WOULD BE soon
Make this two sentences. "...ease the pain. After this..."
You don't descend 'through' stairs. You just descend them or descend through an opening.
Also should be two sentences.
Raising awareness of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome one author at a time.
Again, shorter sentences. Run on sentences are bad. I'm not going to post every single one here, but keep an eye out for them. You have entire paragraphs that are a single sentence long. It's really sapping my will to keep reading.
Having trouble saying
HIS SISTER'S
Your use of italics is inconsistent. Decide whether or not you want to use them to indicate she's thinking something to herself and stick with it.
Needs a question mark
AT five o'clock. What's with all those spaces between 'five' and 'ponies?'
Cull some of those commas, this isn't, the right way, to write a sentence, and they're unnecessary, in a lot of the places you're using them.
Bad phrasing. Try "not a single one of those things is true."
The run on sentences are the biggest issue.
Oh my god there's a lot of mistakes. definitly need a proofreader for this
2492394
Thank you a lot for that, I'm going to keep looking for mistakes that looks like those you just told me.
2492391
Twishy tag done, thanks for the comment, i wasn't planing a lot of things that you said but damn, It would be so hilarious that i'm not sure anymore.
I have difficulty with the Elements (sans Twilight) treating Twilight differently as a result of becoming an Alicorn. That's the impression that I'm getting as I read this, and if I'm incorrect, then the story needs to be edited/ rewritten to address this issue. If their feelings existed prior to this, might I suggest vignettes/ flashbacks from the perspective of the affected Element of the positive traits/ characteristics/ events that shifted their feelings into the stronger territory of love. If,for whatever reason the Alicorn Transformation of Twilight brought the realization of their feelings towards Twilight, or impacted how they feel in any way, it is information that we as the reader should be given in the story somehow, be it through the Elements enlightening Twilight regarding their feelings, privately, and why/ how her transformation was the "final straw" or Twilight confront them about their feelings individually in a private, intimate setting. But, if they're attracted to Twilight because she's become an alicorn, it makes them come across as shallow, and cheapens their feelings towards Twilight, reducing their attraction to that of merely lust, rather than any positive qualities of Twilight herself. ... Unless that's something you're aiming for in this story, otherwise, it is an issue which needs to be addressed in story, if such impression is not, in fact, the author's intentions.
2492737 I assumed it was some magical side effect of the alicorn spell?
2492774
2492737
2492774 If so, wouldn't the elements themselves have noticed a shift regarding their affections for Twilight shifting from that of friends to ...something else? Unless the spell affected their entire memories, and even perhaps their personality. Even if it had, then surely Twilight would have noticed, when their treatment of her shifts outside common accepted norms. Unless the spell was not only strong enough to affect the elements, but Twilight, perhaps even the entire space/ time reality they existed in. If such is the case, then it remains that I have a problem with magics ending up artificially affecting ponies affections towards others. It's actually in a similar vein posited by Mary Shelly's Frankenstein story, and the moral/ ethical dilemma posited by the quest for bodily resurrection/ eternal life.
I think this has potential but its a good thing you're looking for pre-readers. The big issue with this fic are small errors that a second set of eyes would help catch.
For example:
"Yesterday she hadn't meet with anyone..."
Should be:
"Yesterday she hadn't met with anyone..."
That was probably caused by typing too fast and spell check wouldn't catch it.
Not bad, a lot of mistakes but correct them and then it's perfect.
2492831
Damn man, you are thinking to much into it. Just relax and let the love do it's magic.
judging by first th first chapter, it's look interesting.
Writing is mostly solid, though I do agree with other comments about how their feelings seem to come out of nowhere and that you need some flashbacks are needed for emotional development.
Though if their feelings are due to some side effect to the whole becoming an alicorn thing then no worries.
Keep it up.
2492821 True, but we as the reader don't have the ability to have the internal information regarding your story. Things which makes perfect sense to you, may not make any kind of sense to us. And things which do not make sense to us, as humans, we desire to make sense of it anyways, however futile it may be, for a world rendered entirely senseless renders us to madness, and the detrimental psychological impact which the immersion into said senseless world renders.
i'm not going to judge your writing because i have a disorder with my speech
Still in the "New Stories" and already in the Featured box... Wait what...
Quite a few grammar errors here and there, but nevertheless I like it
this story is in the featured box?
Wow, i didn't expected that.
The title should be The Elements of... Love?
That is, if you are going for proper capitalization
Another Twiharem fic? Christmas came early, dood.
I dunno why, but I always have a soft spot for Twilight when she struggles with relationships and it makes it more juicy when she has multiple mares gunning for her, dood. Instantaneous Like and Fav, from your friendly-neighborhood Prinny dood.
Quite a few grammatical errors, and a handful of spelling errors to boot, but this certainly has potential all the same.
I think I'll be keeping an eye on it.
Intrest has been caught. I'll follow for now.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I already have 3 chapters of this story, but I need someone who can proofread this before I upload chapter 2, if someone up to it, i'm just looking for the essential, punctuation, grammar, and any other correction that he/she finds. I just want to make this story at least a 20% better.
If you need a proofreader I have the time for it
I really thought their reactions to all of them loving her would lead to............
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/12155__safe_twilight-sparkle_rainbow-dash_pinkie-pie_fluttershy_rarity_applejack_animated_a-canterlot-wedding.gif
If you do not already have a proofreader, I am willing to do so.
2493515 I would, but finals are in just a couple weeks.
Guess I'll just tag this for later.
Seems a little rushed but still good. I'll be keeping an eye on this.
2493134 well you did (spam)post it all over... so that would probably explain it ;) as for the tagging, i came here for the twiluna but seeing all the other ship tags with twi is kind of a turn off for me.
Did someone say proofread?
If it's not the voices in my head again acting up, and someone did say proofread, may I volunteer?
She just said that Spike was acting normally, so the sentence should read,
I laughed at Derpy's scene. Getting hit in the face with a pie probably seems like a completely natural occurrence to her.
I do hope Spike is not going to be completely forgotten while the mane six all establish relationships with one another while not giving the slightest thought to all the hurt and confusion this will cause him. Rarity should especially be giving his feelings some serious consideration, or she wouldn't be the generous and compassionate friend that we know she is.
2492886 Good argument, but it's not necessary for a narrative to deliver all the information before anything confusing happens. In Jurassic Park, we didn't find out how the dinosaurs were brought into existence until dozens of pages in. All will be revealed in time.
Yay, Derpy!
Well, equines do naturally form harems with an alpha female...
(Albeit with an alpha male as well, but that's besides the point...!)
Potential. If you succeed in getting a proof-reader (which you shouldn't given the number of volenteers already!) this will be much more polished. (Eakin is right - you have the same trouble as me; big run-on sentences!)
A futher suggestion, which may or may not be of help: I find when I've written something, it's useful to let it lie fallow for a bit (overnight, a day or something or while you do something else). Then go back and read it again, and you'll pick up more mistakes than if you do it just after finishing. This is no garentee you'll catch all of them - it still took me about two passes through my local ponythread (which has been down all week, frag, I've missed it) to catch all of 'em in my story and I still found the odd one on the final just-before-publish check - but it is likely to get a few more than if you don't. Provided you have the patience to do that, of course. (I know Eakin, for one, doesn't - fortunately he's a muuch better author than me!)
If you've not read the FAQ on grammar and whatnot on this site, I also highly recommend it. I considered myself pretty good at English (I did it at A level), but I still learned a few things that I knew I struggled with (e.g. finally when to use its verses it's and usually tending towards the latter, for example.)
2493515Oooh, ooh, pick me!
Meh... Guess I'll do it.
I have already chosen my editor, let's see how it goes with him.
Thanks to all the people that volunteered to do it. Maybe if things doesn't work with my recent editor, i could ask again for some help.
Well, good on you for asking for help
The writing started to get a bit... iffy in the second half of the chapter
I liked the idea, and Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight 'naive-alpha' Sparkle is best harem... mother?
I'll assume your new editor will also do some cleaning up for this first chapter? Got to have a strong first impression. Best way to keep readers and all that snazzy jazz
I noticed a double space in the middle of a sentence and... I don't know. That sort of thing just bothers me, but it's a small thing. There's a couple tense issues, a few missed letter capitalization...
A bigger thing was that there were a lot of parts that suffered from a major case of run-on sentences. One 'paragraph' was a single sentence with about 7 commas
Do, um... do read your sentences out loud. I've found it helps find where the pauses belong, and the sentences end (unless, of course, it's a technical issues where you're accidentally typing commas instead of periods because of your keyboard). Another thing is that you can be a bit more descriptive with your words without needing to use more words. The old 'show, don't tell' sort of deal. For example,
Aside from the whole 'teleported out' sounding odd... Instead of this essentially saying absolutely everything that happens (like a play-by-play sports announcer), you could just say something like "Rainbow was the first to break the silence" or "Dash was the first one to react". The actual speech could be more of "How are we going to get out of here now?" or "Looks like we're trapped guys. Any ideas?" or even a simple "What now?"
So yeah! I wonder which way you'll go with this idea. Will it go harem route, or will Twilight go Highlander, choosing only one, or maybe you'll 'pull something out of left field'. Since I still miss the track story option, looks like I'll be adding this to favourites, for now. You'll still get my thumbs of approval (not that it means anything) and I'll be looking forward to the next chapter
oh pinkie
This feels mostly like ....wat?
Let's see what you do with it...
"TwiLuna"
It's in dat group...
Luna as well eh?
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This story is interesting to say the least. I look forward to more.
Well, if you ever DO need someone to proofread, I'm right here.
2495084How often do you think this is gonna update?