My Little Immortal: Friendship is Gothic

by Posh

Chapter Four: I Couldn't Think of a Horse Pun for "Juliet"

THORZNOT: ok u giz it locks lik dis stroy iz gettin 2 b da most poplar fafnir abott ponez in da world. i no dat bcuz wen i blakd oot frum blod losss wen i wuz slizting muh riztz dis aftanoon i had a vizzin of ever1 in cantalot cheerin 4 me. den Gerard way and morgdan Freechman told me dat I wa zda gr8est ritter in al da brony world. Butt I AM NOT A BRONY BCUZ BRONZE ARE BOIZ N IM A GURL U SICKO PERVS!!11111111111111

******

I screamed as I bashed my smexy unicorn head against the wall gothically. All of the pain and suffering that I had suffered painfully over my life was hitting me all at once. How could it happen to me? I made my mistakes, had nowhere to run, and now the night went on while I was fading away.

I just wanted to scream "I'M SICK OF THIS LIFE!!!!" I reached und4 my bed and brought out the dark blue double barreled automatic machine shotgun shaped like Gerard Ways u-no-wut dat Sweetie bell had givn me b4 she commented suizas. She had told me 2 uzi it valiantly against prepz and that it would be a dark for me in light places when all otter darks went out, but I knew that I had to fokllow her. In the tiem we had known each other we loved like nobody else in history had ever loved ever. Even Brohoofmeo and Julifetlock did not love like we did bcuz they werent real loil.

I was over. This was done.

"OMFG NOOOOOOOOO" screamed bleedaloo suddenly as she jumped suicidally out of a tree. "Ebony u cannot kil urself! Who will do it wif me wen ur gone!"

"Watever!!1" I scremmed. "Now u can go 2 ur slutty preppy fillyfoller bitch fucking slut whorew you fucking cheating slit!"

Juts then a letter appeared out of nowhere. It was on goffik black fire! "It must be spike sending me anoter love letter" I grumped and I through it in2 the pile with al my other love letters from everypiony at skull.

"Ebony u should really read that" said Bleedaloo while smoking a crack sigarette. "Remember wen u ignored that jury sommons?"

"Only prepz go 2 jury dootie!!1111" I gothed at her. But then I opened it anyway becauz I figured I could give myself paper cuts with it. I took out the letter. It said...............................that Sweetie bell was alive and Discord had her in bondage!!!!

I gasped.

******

I was so mad and sad. I sat in the hopsital angrily. They wodden even let me half my iPony so that I could lisen to Hollywood Undead (they r my favorite band). I just knew that dat prep nurse Redhart was listening to her shitty fucking prep music on it. Nurse Readhart was the mean doctor at our school. She went tos chool to be a doctor but she didn't have enough money to graduate from nurse to doctor so now she works at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons and takes out her frustrations on us by pouring antiseptic into our eyes whenever we come in for problems. One time I had a stomachache and she sovled it by punching me in da stomach until my stomach ache went away along with most of my stomach and segments of my small intestine.

Anyway I was just thinking about tying my blankets into a nooze and using it to hang myself when all of a usdden................Spike came into the room! He was carrying pink rozes.

"WTF" I shooted at him. "Uve got sum NERV cumming 2 me afer wut u pulled!"

"You mean da way I saved ur life!!!!!" Spike shotted at me. "U wouldn be aliv if I hadnot cum 4 u!"

I laughed like the bad guy in My Little Pony who laughs evilly alot (lol i dont no hiz nam). "No u fukkin retard" I sniped. "U saved me from bein rapped by fukkin lezboz. Dat iz nut da same as bein killd." but its almost as bad "Said Spike." Every1 in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons hates lezbians accept for the lesbian because they are lesbian.

"Watever!" I sayed. "U can take ur preppy flowerz bak to da flower store! Reel goffs dont like flowerz so dat mens u must be a prep!!!!"

"No, Ebony," said Spike dragonly. "These r not flowerz!!!" He set them on da grond and started to breeth fire on them.

"WRTF" I SCRAPPED. "R U TRYING 2 GURN ME A LIED11!"

"No i m just getting the fire started" said Spike. Then................he took out a black poshion that said "pour on fire 2 start the vision" on it and poured it on the fire. "Now look in2 da fire. Wut do u c?"

I saw Spike but he didnt look like spike becauze he was different collers. His skin was black and instead of spikes on his back and his tail he just had jagged bloody pentagrams.

"OMFT" I siad. Now I new he waz really gottic.

"U C?" said Spike sexily. "U can trust me."

"Ya lol sorrt" I said. "Im just a little sad becuz my fillyfrend just corrugated salsacide."

"Dats o k" said Spike as he craled in2 bed wif me. Then........................................he started kissing all over my face and then.........................we had DO IT in the ospital!

"Stop that right now u horny simpletons!!!!!!" screamed Professor Lyra pointing at us with her preppy hoofs that were covered in fake hands with pink hail polish.

"FUK U U FUKKIN SUK" I projectiled at her. She gasped and turned and ran away chattering to herself about how much she hated goths. Then wen I was starting to have my orangutang......................I looked in2 the fire and it was changing now and I saw something else!!!!!!!!!!! It was...........................Sweetie Bell! She was alive and........................Discord had her in bondage!!!!!!!!!!

I gasped.

******

Bleedaloo and me ran to Principle Celestia's office. We had left Spike behind ecause Bleedaloo told me dat dragons were fukkin gross and have germs and he started to cry lol it was funn. Neway we ran to Principle Celestia';s office. She was in there with Princess Nightmare Moon and they were arguing.

"But Principle Celestia!!1" said Pricess Nightmare Mon. "Food is an important part of the students diet! If you take it away from them then all they wikl have to eat is paper and stones!!!"

"Fuk off!!!!" shotued Princple Celestia. Then she used her prep magic to turn Princess Nightmare Moon's hair into Justin Bieber music. She started to cry tears of blue and ran sandly out of the office.

Bleedaloo and I ran in2 the office. Principle Celestia was eating all the food in the school and it was making her really really fucking fat and gross. Fat people piss me off lool. "Celesto u half 2 do something!!!" we said together.

"OK" said Celestia and she threw some pies at us. "There I did something lol now gtfo of my office be4 I make you read M<y Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing."

"But Princople!" I shouted. "Sweetie Bell has been captured by Discord and he is gong 2 do it witb her! An only IM allow2d 2 do it with her!!!" I knew dat Bleedaloo was in love wit Sweetie bell 2 but secretly I was palnning to kill her and hide her body underneath some old copies of Playcolt in Spike's room so that nobody could ever come between me an Sweetie bell ever again.

But Princple Celestia would not have any of it. "SGTFOU" she shriekded ponting her horn at us. "DOnt make me youse this!!!!!"

We ran away. "Now wut will we do!!!" sad Bleedaloo sandly. She started to cry magenta tears of gothic depression because her eyes were purple and purple eyes always cry purple tears dont u fucking know anything about science.

"I know!" I shooted. "Maybe if we tried killing ourselves!"

"But Ebony" said Bleedaloo looking at me with a dud-ur-so-retarded face. "How would killing ourselves help us find Sweet Balls?"

"Lol I just like killing myself" I said because Im a goff and goffs are always trying to kill tehmselves. "Wait a minute!" Suddenly, an idea I had!!! "Off course! We can use my unicorn magic to teleport into Discord's hideout and save Sweetie Bell!" My horn started to glow a bright black, and then.......................we were inside Discord's hideout! It looked ust like the white House accept instead of white it was pink and it was covered in flowers.

I shuddered. All over the walls were postrers of preps like Britain Spears, Hannah Montana and Gorge Lucas. "Wed better get Sweetie Bell and get out of here fast" said Bleedaloo. "I can already feel my blod turing pink!"

I took out my razor blade that I carry everywhere with me and slitzt muh riztz. Shore enough, mty blood wasnt its usual blak and red color with My Chemical Romance lyrics..........it was turning pink!!! "OMFG" I said. "Be4 to long, they will half turned Sweetie Bell in2 a prep 2! We gotta hurrah!"

We ran sexily through the house. Preps would come out of the rooms now and again to yell at us. "Hey you stupid goths!" said one of the preps. She was a pink stallion with a yellow mane and a flower in her ear and her name was Lily. She was lesbians with two other preps named Daisy and Rosechu. "Get out of here right this sconed!"

"Fuk of!!!!!!" I humped on her and stated drinking her blood. She screamed and screamed. I laughed because I'm a sadist. "Tell me where 2 find Sweetie bell and I'll let you live!!!"

"OK OK" said Lily. "Sweetie Bell is in the Discord Disco. Itz down da hall and 2 tha left and up a flight of stairs and then down another flight of stairs and then around the right and then you're there."

"Wait a minute" said bleedaloo. "Doesn't that just take you right back here"

"OMFG" u said as you let go of Lily. "WE'RE IN THE DISCORD DISCO RITE NOW!!!!!!!" Suddenly I noticed that the lights were all flashing pink and purple and a disco ball shaped like Selene Gomez was hanging from the roof. "We need to find Sweetie Bell!!!!!"

"Wait!" said Lily. "U said u would let me life if I helped you!!!"

"Ya but we were already here anyway so ur help was useless lol" I said and I used my royal canterlot voice to destory her "FUS RO DA" I screamed and she asploded but that's okay because im a goff and goffs are allowed to commit wanton acts of murder with impunity.

We ran into da disco. It was empty except for Blueblood. "Rid my sight you despicable goffs!" he shouted and he started throwing roses at us. They were pink and smelled like purfume. Then suddenly he locked into my eyes and he stopped. "EbonyIloveyouwillyoudoitwithme?" he said really fat.

"Huh" said me and Bleedaloo with dude-ur-so-illegible looks on our faces.

"Ebony I love you will you do it with me" he said slower this time.

I laughed statistically. "U stipend prep! U really tink I wood do ot with u after you and ur boss kidnapped my fillyfrend? Fuk u! I dont even like stallions anyway! IM BISESUAL AND I ONLY LIKE MARES!!!!!!" I threw my razor blade at him and it chopped off his horn. Blood started flying all over it like in that movie Kill Bill. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" he screamed runnig around in a circle. Then he stopped and fell down and then he died.

"Now tell me where Sweetei Bell is!!!!" I shouted grabbing Blueballs by his preppy blond hair. But he didn't say anything. "TELL ME WHERE SHE IS NOW OR ILL KILL U FUKER!"

"Ebony" said Bleedaloo. "U already killed hem, remember?"

"Ph ya lol" I said and I dropped him on the floor. "OK we need to find Sweetie Bell now How can we do that? I know!" And I took out my compass. "My compass always points to Sweetie bell!"

We followewd my compass sexily backstage and there was Sweetie Bell in a cage. She was wearing pink leather straps all over her body and bright pink Disney Channel handcuffs. "Egogy! Bleedaloo!"

"Dont worry Sweetie Bell" I said as I untied her ropes and took her out of the pink Daily Show stockade. Then we fancied. "Letz get u home now1"

Suddenly we heared preppy footsteps coming closer. "Blueblood, what art thou doing?" said a voice that sounded like Discord. I gasped. It was Discord!!!

"Let's get out of here!" said Sweetie bell. We took out our collapsable black and red My Chemical Romance zeppelin that I borrwed from B'Lood and climbed in. Then the rocket engines activated and we flowed out of there.

"Tanks 4 saving me Ebony" said Sweetie bell. "I tohot dat I was going to be a prep fo sho!"

"Hey but I helped you too Sweetie bell" said Bleedaloo.

"STUF" I shouted at her kicking her in the eye repeatedly until it was swollen shut but that's okay because im a goff and goffs inflict cranial trauma upon one another like you wouldn't believe.

Sweetie Bell started to do it with me but I started cryhing "Ebony what's wrong?" she asked.

"Don't u fucking know???" I yelled. "My life is so fucking awful right now! Everypony at school is in love with me! Lyra and Pinkie Pie tryed to do it wtih me. Nightmare Moon did it with me tooo, and then Spike did it with me. Bleedaloo is already in love with me and now even Blueblood is in love with me!!! To top it all off I have superpowers that can do anything and I don't know how I got them and I still don't understand why I can ue the royal canterlot voice!!! I'm too perfect and good at everything, and I'm so hott that everypony wants to do ti with me but I just wante to be with U Sweetie Bell! W y can't anypony ese that???" And I ran out of the balloon crying and I used my unicorn magic to transleport back into school.

"Fangs 4 joining us Ms. Way" said Professor Cheerios. "Maybe next tim u will show up when class starts so that u don't miss half the lesson."

"Wut are we learning neway (lol geddit way like my name way)" I questioned.

"We are learning how to sew couch cushions 4 Pringles Celestia" said my friend Ditzt Doo understatedly. Ditzy Doo used to be named Derpy Hooves but I've been informed that that's racist or something so now it's Ditzy Doo. "Principle Celestia's butt has gotten so big that now she needs six million cooch cushions just so that she will have a place to sit." said Derpy Hooves.

"Dat fat fokking prep is so fucking fat" I giggled. "But sewing is 4 prepz who don't know how to stab themselves with needles." I tohot about it. "I know! Let's lizzen 2 GC an kut ourselves!!!" I took out my portable GC radio that only plays GC songs and turned it on. Butt instead of music...................tjhe only thing that came out of it was Sweetie Bell!

"Ebony wait" she said. "I need to tell you somfing! Be4 I met u I was depressed all the tiem and I was always trying to kill mself but now I only try to kill myself sometimes and I channel my depression into violent outbursts instead of just wallowing in it all the time. Uve been so helpful and special to me and I need you in my life! Don't u know dat I just love u more dan anythin? I dont care that all the other ponies do it with yoU!!! I just ened to be with you!!! I fucking love you!!!" Then she started to sing In The End by my favorite band, Lincoln Park.

"OMFG" I said. That was so romantic!!! I hugged Sweetie bell and we fancied. Ten we walked out of the classroom holding hooves. Professor Cheerilee yelled at us but we didn't hear because everypiony else was sewing really really loudly.

We ran suicidally out the door and past a bulletin board. It said that Green day was going to have a concert in Ponyville that night!!!!!!

I gasped.

Comments

[Nonagon]

I have to keep reminding myself that this is intentional. It's the only way I can keep from putting my fist through the screen.
I think if I ever tried to read the original my brain would likely melt.

[UseFistNotMouth]

Shit. The chapter ended before I could finish clopping.

[KingOfTheMuffins]

This is one of the greatest fan-fictions I've ever read...

*sob*

I must go cut myself because of the amazing-ness of this story....

[TwinkiePinkie]

I can't. Stop. Laughing. I re-read this chapter just now (read the rest this morning) and noticed "Professor Cheerios". Every word of this is priceless, and I NEED MOAR NOW.

[Pulse Ecstasy]

Pringles Celestia

[Venficus]

286238

Yeah, the original made me want to give up on the human race as a whole.

I'm really hoping the original was a troll, and not real, because I don't want to think anyone is THAT stupid.