'What If?' 2 (Stardust Totally Unauthorized Joke Chapter)
Please note that this will make very little sense if you haven't read up through chapter 28 (Gifts Part 2) of Stardust. Oh, and spoilers for that story as well.
‘WHAT IF?’ 2
“Now are there any other questions?” asked Bradford. The reveal to the team leaders that XCOM had been harboring an extraterrestrial who was gradually causing those around her to develop inexplicable abilities had gone as well as he could have hoped. He was eager to bring the meeting to a close, since his migraines were growing worse by the second. At least the future visions he’d been experiencing for the last few hours were fading a bit. Muddled words and phrases that were too vague to predict with much accuracy what the soldiers would say next, but still enough to give everything they said a tinge of deja vu.
“Uh, actually, yeah,” said a new voice from the back of the room. Bradford defaulted to his standard glower as Lieutenant Adams, squad leader for Strike Nine, stood up and squinted at the monitor. “Is that Twilight Sparkle?”
The silence that descended over the room was deafening as Matt openly gaped at the soldier. Commander Bradford’s eyes narrowed even further. “You have five seconds to explain how you have access to top secret information about Project Stardust before I haul you into Vahlen’s interrogation chamber, soldier.”
“Project what now?” asked the unfortunate lieutenant. “I’ve never even heard of that. I just recognized her from...” he clammed up, sealing his lips shut as a guilty look spread across his face. “You know what? Nevermind.”
Bradford was having none of that. “I want an explanation for how you know the subject’s name, and I want it five minutes ago.”
“Wait, so that is Twilight Sparkle? I mean the resemblance is uncanny, but that can’t be. She isn’t real.”
“Oh, she’s real,” said Matt. “She’s real and she cheats at cards.” The attempt at levity did little to dispel the tension in the room.
“But she’s a character from a TV show,” said Adams.
“She’s a what?” asked Bradford. “What show?”
Adams muttered something unintelligible under his breath.
“Speak up, Lieutenant.”
“From My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic,” he muttered a little bit louder. A snicker went through the room. “Shut up! It’s better than it sounds, okay?”
“And you’re telling me that this... ‘Friendship is Magic’ show is available to the public?”
“Yeah. I’m surprised you didn’t stumble onto it when you googled her name,” said Adams. Bradford didn’t reply. “You did google her name, right?”
“XCOM facilities are under communications blackout, and we are not in the habit of plugging the names of top secret assets into potentially-compromised search engines,” replied Bradford, mentally kicking himself for not doing exactly that.
“I actually have the first three seasons on Blu-ray...”
-----------------------------
“Just when I think my life can’t get any more bizarre, the universe decides to go ahead and prove me wrong,” said Twilight as she stared at the image of herself landing a hot air balloon, an upbeat tune starting up in the background.
“You’re a magic-wielding alien unicorn from a planet where your teacher moves the sun by hoof. Bizarre comes with the territory,” said Lana. She tossed a few kernels of popcorn into her mouth and settled back on the couch.
“This is still weirder,” insisted Twilight.
“Can we skip the theme song? It gets old after the eighth or ninth time,” said Matt.
When Twilight nodded her approval, Lana held up her mechanical hand and pointed it towards the screen. The motion sped up, jumping ahead a dozen frames at a time. “Thanks again for building a TV remote into this thing. Best feature ever.”
“It’s not supposed to be a TV remote,” said Twilight, irritation seeping into her voice. “It’s supposed to allow you to interface with alien technology by synchronizing the wavelengths of—”
“All I know is that I don’t have to worry about Matt breaking the remote again,” interrupted Lana.
“You’re the one who broke the last one,” said Matt, reaching over Twilight’s back to grab a handful of popcorn himself.
“Let’s not go into assigning blame over who threw what at who. If you hadn’t dodged it then it wouldn’t have hit the wall,” said Lana. “Besides, I wanted to see that crazy time-slowey thing in action. Totally worth it.”
Twilight just shook her head and scoffed, turning her attention back to the television just as the words ‘Sonic Rainboom’ came up on the screen. “Oh, this is the time Rainbow Dash flew in the Young... well I guess I won’t spoil it for you guys.”
“So all this stuff actually happened to you?” asked Matt.
“More or less. The thing with Nightmare Moon, for example, it didn’t quite happen that way but I guess they had to condense it to tell it in two episodes’ worth of time. Plus they’re clearly taking some artistic license,” said Twilight, her tone becoming curt on the last few words.
“Like what?” asked Matt.
“Like what? Like what? Whoever drew me with flanks that size has clearly never gotten a good look at me in the flesh. They aren’t that big.”
“Yeah, come on Matt,” said Lana, leaping at the opportunity to pile on. “You should know. After all, you’re the one who’s spent more time than anybody carefully examining her fl—” The last few words were cut off by the magical bubble that wrapped around her head.
Meanwhile, from behind the one-way glass in the observation room, Doctor McCormick hunched over a computer monitor, studying the display intently as Doctor Vahlen entered. “How is she taking it?” she asked as she glanced over his shoulder at the search results.
“As well as can be expected,” replied McCormick. “The Commander authorized a connection to the world wide web seperate from the central XCOM network, and I’ve been poking around for the last couple hours. There are millions of references to her and each of her friends, even after I filtered out the pornography. Most of it seems to corroborate what’s she’s told us, at least up to a point.”
“Up to a point? Has Twilight been keeping information from us?” asked Vahlen. That her voice was full of confusion rather than anger was a testament to how far their relationship had come in the last few weeks.
“I don’t think so,” said McCormick, “at least not intentionally. Her knowledge runs right up to a few episodes before the end of the third season. What’s more, the original air dates for a lot of these were before she says they happened to her.”
Doctor Vahlen placed a hand on her chin, looking down at her notepad without really seeing it as she pondered that. “The implications are worrying. We know Twilight’s ability can manifest as a form of foresight, as it has in the Commander, but this is on another scale entirely and across interstellar distances to boot. The... being that created this might be the most powerful entity we have ever encountered.”
“I think given the circumstances, a field trip is in order,” said McCormick, a cryptic grin spreading across his face.
-------------------
Twilight closed her eyes and let her mane billow in the wind as the helicopter flew over the empty midwestern field. The feeling of natural light striking her face for the first time in nearly two months was something she’d missed more than she’d realized.
Her headset crackled to life. “Careful, Twilight. Lean much further and you’ll fall out,” said Shen’s voice. She looked back at where he was seated between Matt and Doctor Ngo, dressed down in civilian clothes.
“Sorry, Charles. It just feels so good! The Field here is absolutely electrifying, don’t you sense it?” Indeed, the meadows they were flying over were a vibrant, slightly pastel green, and they were still a couple miles away from their destination. “It’s even stronger than back home in Equestria.”
Matt said nothing, fingering the pistol in the holster he’d brought along. There was no indication that the little Montana cabin they were headed towards had ever been touched by alien activity, but even with the weapon he felt exposed. Although if what Vahlen had said was correct this thing could wipe anything XCOM could throw at it before any of them could even blink. Bradford had made the executive decision to take an unusually gentle approach.
“Uh, sir?” asked the helicopter pilot, “is the target aware we’re approaching?” Matt looked out through the front canopy, and sure enough the field next to the little log cabin had a big orange ‘H’ spray painted on the ground.
“Not to my knowledge, but I guess we know where it wants us to land. Put us down.”
The helicopter landed, and the four passengers climbed out. It was a bit odd not to be deploying off an interceptor ramp for once. “Don’t forget your Wallflower, Twilight,” said Doctor Ngo.
“Oh, right,” said Twilight. Her horn flashed unusually brightly, taking everybody by surprise even in the midafternoon daylight. “Oops, sorry. There’s a lot of ambient magic floating around, I forgot to adjust.”
Matt shrugged. “No harm, no foul. I guess we just... knock on the front door. I’ll take point.”
“Remember, it’s a friendly visit and not a military operation,” said Shen. “We’re here as guests, or heaven help us all.”
Matt nodded, then carefully stepped around the blooming flower garden in the yard and walked up the cobblestone path to the front door. Right before his knuckles rapped against the cherry wood a female voice from inside called out. “It’s open!”
Doing his best to gather his nerves, Matt took a deep breath and opened the door not knowing what to expect on the other side.
Whatever he’d expected, it certainly wasn’t a redheaded woman in her thirties, sitting on top of two packed suitcases and regarding him with a kind smile and warm blue eyes. “Right on time,” she said, walking over to shake their hands. She leaned down and gave Twilight a big hug, ignoring her Wallflower entirely. “Come on in, we’ll have some tea.”
“It’s an honor to meet you, Ms.—” said Ngo before the woman waved him off.
“Please, just Lauren is fine,” she said as she walked into the kitchen. The others entered the living room, a modest coffee table with four chairs and two velvet floor cushion already set up around it. They sat there not knowing what to say to each other for a few minutes until they heard the kettle in the other room begin to whistle. Lauren returned with a piping hot teapot and six cups on saucers. “Twilight, would you mind lending me a hoof?”
“Oh, of course,” said Twilight. She lifted the cups in her magic and set them around the table. “Um, how do you already know me?”
“My daughter talks about you all the time in her letters,” said Lauren, steeping a little tea ball into the near-boiling water. “Speaking of...” she held up her hand and snapped her fingers. Matt leapt to his feet and covered his eyes against the surge of light. When he’d blinked away the afterimage, he gaped at the new guest who’d appeared in the center of the room; a giant white unicorn easily three or four times Twilight’s size, but with wings.
The new pony blinked several times herself, water dripping from the soaking wet mane underneath her shower cap. A little yellow rubber ducky floated in her glowing magic. She said something indecipherable to Lauren, and Twilight’s jaw dropped.
“What did she just say?” asked Matt.
“She just called her Mom,” replied Twilight.
At the sound of Twilight’s voice, Celestia’s head snapped around in her direction. Her predicament forgotten, she lunged towards her and grabbed her up in a hug. Tears streamed from her eyes as she began rambling in disjointed Equine, Twilight nodding and hanging on every word. “Tia, where are your manners? You forgot your translation spell,” said Lauren. She gently tapped the back of Celestia’s head, and the words the humans seated around the table were hearing abruptly turned into English.”
“I was so worried about you, Twilight!” she said. “Are you safe? Did they hurt you?”
“I’m fine, Princess,” replied Twilight. “These are a couple of my new friends. They’re the ones who’ve been keeping me safe after Discord dropped me right into the middle of a battle. They’re really nice, once we got to know each other.”
“Then it seems that I owe your organization a great debt. Thank you all,” said Celestia, nodding to the XCOM personnel.
Ngo was the first to regain his wits. “It’s an honor to meet you in person. Uh, in pony,” he said. “Twilight’s told us a great deal about your world, and we have so many questions for you and your people.”
“All in good time, Doctor,” said Lauren, giving Celestia a reassuring pat on the back. “I want to apologize to you all, as well. I asked my son to organize first contact for your world, but obviously he’s watched a few too many old movies. He doesn’t like to admit it, but he’s a bit of a science fiction nerd at heart. And of course he does love his chaos.”
“Then the invasion, the attacks, all of it was part of your plan? But why?” asked Charles.
Lauren shrugged. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a studio to greenlight an animated series for girls set in outer space? ‘No interest’ my ass.”
-----------------------------
11/15/2016
PRINCESS CELESTIA TO DELIVER ADDRESS TO UNITED NATIONS COMMEMORATING ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF PORTAL TO EQUESTRIA BEING OPENED. AMBASSADOR SPARKLE TO PUSH FOR EXPANDED TRADE AGREEMENT.
PENTAGON REJECTS FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT REQUEST FOR EXPLANATION REGARDING SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCE OF INVADERS. ‘OPERATION DEUS EX FAUSTICORN IS JUST A RIDICULOUS INTERNET RUMOR. STOP ASKING ABOUT IT,’ SAYS MILITARY SPOKESMAN.
UNEXPECTED ADULT MALE FANBASE OF LITTLE GIRLS’ CARTOON ‘GALAXY GIRLS’ EAGERLY AWAIT SECOND SEASON PREMIERE. ‘THE OFFSEASON WAS WAY TOO LONG. I THINK WE ALL STARTED TO GO A LITTLE NUTS WAITING.’
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My sides just impacted Mercury. That was amazeballs.
Three more weeks... clock is ticking. CLOCK. IS. TICKING!
ponytalk.com/sites/default/files/styles/square_thumbnail/public/crazy_twilight_by_argorine-d4d1dwv.png?itok=G-qZahqK
A fun little unauthorised joke chapter.
...Okay. I had mythology classes at school, but I can't remember any gods being such big negligent assholes. Except for the Christian God, of course.
And now I need to go and read Stardust, good thing I do not have anything to do today.
this is ridiculously silly and I like it.
tho Faust being responsible for the invasion is a kinda meh detail, I'll forgive it because it appeared in a chapter that linked a totally awesome story that I might not have found otherwise.
Found this story because of a comment on a comment on Eakin's comment about this on Stardust. How roundabout.
3430369 You're missing the point a little. It's still pretty bad, just not as bad. When she says son, she obviously means Discord. So yes she did trust Discord to arrange first contact, and that's a horrible idea, but she didn't do it herself.
3430369>>3436443
It's also a joke. The other 'What If' chapter ended with Fluttershy becoming an evil dictator over the Earth and the aliens, after all. An alien invasion that's just a marketing campaign that's spiraled out of control is equally tongue-in-cheek ridiculous.
That would have been a funny ending for the real XCOM: EU though.
3436461
that's an excellent point, actually. Now I feel a bit dumb...
also, I like that ending idea.
3454119
Huh, that was interesting. I didn't know that the Hunt for Red October was a book. Thanks for the info.
Damnit, eakin! Now I'm hooked and wanna go read the main story... /em pout
Plus I played Enemy Unknown for the first time last weekend, so there's that...
3461944
It's well worth your time. It's not a perfect story, but it's one of the few that I'll drop pretty much anything I'm doing when I see a new chapter arrive.
separate.
I bet Arad never asked for this.
static.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_medium/11112/111125902/3416360-1177982231-Jense.jpg But yes, Stardust is awesome and you should read it.
Also, for those who don't know, Milky Way and the Galaxy Girls is a real toyline designed by Faust.
So, hey, it could happen!
Only on the Hubble.
3427919
i'm so glad more people are being disillusioned with Christianity. their entire logo is the cross. the very murder weapon god used to kill his own son specifically because said son DIDN'T do anything wrong. once you break free of Christianity and can see it from an outside prospective there's no way back, and that's great!