Fleur De Lis is a beautiful mare, who could deny that? It's no wonder that she has such a reputation with the many modelling agencies around the big city of Canterlot. As most mares will, Fleur couldn't say yes fast enough when a stallion that she had been in a relationship for quite some time dropped to his knees and asked for her hoof in marriage. At first glance, it may seem like the marriage is everything it should be. It's perfect! But keep in mind that's only what's on the outside. It's what happens on the inside that can make or break a pony, that can build and destroy a relationship. Could it be that the model's marriage isn't everything she had always hope it would be? What will happen when a distraught mare finds a stallion who treats her right but is so under (or above?) her social class? We know such a thing exists as a 'Rags to Riches' story with a happy ending, but could it be, could it truly be that such a thing as a 'Riches to Rags' story exists with the same type of ending?
A simple one off, though you the reader(s) have a chance to determine that. To tell you the truth I don't quite know what this is. Continuation, if any, will depend on feedback. Thanks!
Commence read.
This should prove interesting.
Yippee kai-yay! New story! New story means new things to read! Forget the fact that I've got 16 stories to read ahead of this, most of it is just clop for personal use ;) You however, are a writer I respect and admire so this story will receive the full package! Speaking of story, I should probably start reading it now.
Hmm, Fleur is sad. I cannot say this is my first Fleur-and-Fancy story that I've read, but this is the first one from Fleur's perspective where they haven't already been happily married for some time! So bonus points for making me smile at a new plotline =) Now then, my favorite part of these comments is when I can make predictions and (later, when proved correct, cuz I"m ALWAYS correct) shout 'Called it!' so I shall begin my prediction with the title combined with the situation described in the first paragraph; Fleur is going to switch lives with some other pony, possibly one that looks like her, who is 'dirt poor', or in some way eschew her fine lifestyle in favor of one that is 'simpler' and 'more wholesome' and this will inevitably lead her to discover that her life was grand without the money but she truly loved Fancy Pants and will return to him, or Fancypants truly loves her and will be willing to seperate with his fortune to be with her. Hmm, a little vague and yet specific for my usual 'called it' sessions, so I'm going to limit it to the end point (because the title makes the fact that Fleur will go to the poorhouse volontarily painfully obvious) and say that Fleur will in the end realize she loves Fancy Pants despite the money.
Okay, that's one paragraph into the story. Time to continue!
Aaaand by the end of the second paragraph I am now tempted to revisit the idea that Fancy may come to realize he loves Fleur despite everything else, but I am willing to admit its too early to continue. I do like this fresh (for me, at least, and if you feel like linking me to thirty seven examples of how this is not fresh then congradulations! You proved someone on the internet wrong. I do hope they mail the medal to the right address) take on Fleur and Fancy's relationship. Fleur is depressed and does not want to be a model, but a beautician (of some form) and Fancy having a disapproving air about him and potentially being disloyal despite his outwardly perfect-gentleman appearence. It does make me think of the episode where Rarity meets him in Canterlot in a whole new light.
Hmm, so Fancy is a fashion designer too? Another new take! He's always been a jeweler in my experience. I like the dichotamy in Fleur's mind as well; she goes from being angry at him to self pity to apologizing like all of the problems are her fault. This feels more realistic in any marriage based around love (even if the love is fleeting). Stories where a broken marriage is soley blamed on one individual tend to be....cliche and hollow. I thank thee for realisticalizing this one ^.^ And yes, realisticalizing is a word. You know how I know its a word? Because I can pronounce it! Glertleskletch!
Oooooo, is Fancy Pants abusive? "Shudders at the repercussions" makes it seem so. Physical or mental, either way would make a story spicy, BUT I may warn now that the abusive, unfathful husband in a broken/breaking marrage who blames the wife for being unfaithful while he, himself, practices infedility is getting on the verge of cliche.
I believe there should be a comma between 'unintelligently' and 'prompting'
Hmm, country bumpkin male in Canterlot? Either that Turnip guy (I cannot remember his name) or Big Mac, and judging from the character tag of "Other" i'm going to go with the turnip guy since Mac has his own face. You've also granted us a "Romance" tag, which makes me wonder if Fleur may fall for Turnip and not go back to Fancy Pants. My opinion on this sort of thing is based (almost) entirely on how it is pulled off. BUT I'm not going to 'call it' yet in any case.
Turniptruck! I knew it =D Or, I guessed it at least.
Tis nice that he's a gentlecolt. A real one, at least. And I'm glad to see that Fleur's worries are more based on how much she doesn't want to fight rather than how much she doesn't want to get hit. More realistic, less uncomfortable, and overall less cliche, I think =)
Color me amused! I will continue to pursue this story for the moment.
Shall put on the "to-read" list.
May try to download on my POS MP4...
Ow, how horrid! I must attempt to read this story in such a minute amount of time!
Okily dokily artichokily; lets review chapter two! (Hey that rhymes <3) And unfortunately we start off with a weak point. I suppose its no true fault, but I hate parenthesis in a fiction story. They're best left in academia. The best way, in my opinion, to insert little blips like that into a sentece is either with comma or hyphen wrapping. BUT, I digress~
Aww, Fancy isn't coming home? Well, I suppose if a husband is going to be unfaithful (I'm not going to assume he's unfaithful yet just because of Fleur's perspective since there is no concrete evidence, just a lonely wife bitter at the man she loves and hates (and this is a fine use of parenthesis because it's not a story, just a side thought within a thought within an analysis)) then it's best that he not show his smug face with that stupid little mustache and obnoxious little monocle. Who does he think he is? The Monopony Man? Well screw you Monopony Man! And your stupid boardgame with the little figures like the car that I can never be because someone else always gets the damn car and then I always land on boardwalk after somoene else gets it and-
Oh, right, your story.
Hmm, the first paragraph is a bit confusing. So he was home, and I presume they- to keep with the Teen rating- "did it" then he got a drink and left for the night, which was a habit that Fleur pointed out in the last chapter. I would flesh out that first paragraph a bit, or add a second paragraph outlining what had happened from when she returned home to then. Obviously nothing graphic given it is a Teen-rated story, but at least enough to make sure all of us are on the same page.
Ooo, the snap. Or the first snap, at least. I tend to find the 'all s/he could take' comments to typically come one or two snaps before actually snapping, so I'm going to make another call here and say that Fleur may have had enough now, but she'll come back for more in the upcoming story (perhaps this chapter, perhaps future chapters) and eventually TRULY have enough.
I'm happy- at least, for now, in part- that she wants to try and save the relationship. Not too keen on her blaming herself, but until I read more I cannot truly judge against her or against Fancy. Single-perspective stories can be a bitch like that.
...and so many other things...
Forgot a line space there ol' chap.
Well, I applaud Fleur. Taking it upon herself to do her best to save things between her and Fancy. Calming down, dressing up, dolling herself up (though I personally abhore the use of makeup, even in the real world, for the purpose of enticment. One's true beauty, afterall, comes from within) yet this makes me very nervous for what may come up next. I've read many stories (though none of them MLP yet) where the wife fears infidelity and does her best to present herself to her husband for htings to end either heartbreakingly (husband ignores her) tragically (husband beats her for thinking she was tramping with someone else) or very very badly (husband comes home drunk and rapes her, possibly with friends) I do hope it doesn't take any of the more negative routes and, for the sake of Fleur, I hope that the worst that happens is that he comes home and ignores her.
Gah! Parenthesis again!
Whelp, good mindset Fleur. Initiative! I wish thee luck!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Awww, poor dear. I just want to hug her and tell her she'll be fine and she needn't worry about dying alone. I cannot say I blame her for such a fear; lonliness truly is dreadful afterall. Unfortunately I cannot see her future so I cannot say whether or not my promises can be fulfilled.
Aww, you mention a clock but you don't give us a time reference? I'm rather curious to know what time it is after a vague 'hours of waiting'. Her guesses at what he may be up to seem nice enough. I wonder if she really thinks that he's doing something as honest as sleeping at his office or if her hopes are just hollow wishes that she knows do not ring true.
Also, as a wine fan, this chapter is making me quite thirsty for wine. But, as I currently reside on a dry college campus, I am left wineless =(
Oooo, daddy's ho- I mean, Fancy's home! Loud closing of the door, is Fancy mad about something? Is he an angry drunk? I am aquiver with excitement ^.^
Ouch, ignoring her right off the bat. But Fleur is still in the fight and counters with a backrub. All men love backrubs, or at least real men, just like real men wear pink ^.^ And pink looks sexy on real men <3
Hmm, "not able to look at her", that has some very interesting connotations to it.
Oh ho! He feels like a damn fool. He's a cheater! And he admits it! Hmm, would have been kinda funny if it was a stallion he was seeing, hahahaha, but I digress. This is a travesty. And Fleur has every right to be upset and saddened by the affair. I wouldn't blame her one bit if she smacked Smarty Pants and left.
Ew, he oppressed and threatened her? The oppression I suppose I can understand given how bad the marraige seemed to be. Not 'understand' in that I condone it or even know why he did it, but by 'understand' I mean that I understand what Fleur and you, the author, are implying.
your* mane
Ahh, the dirty bastard even takes off his ring. Whelp, I'm sold. Fancy Pants is a bastard and an asshole. You have done well in painting this pretty picture ^.^
Hrm, running out on a cold winter night (I assume its winter because it was mentioned to be snowing earlier) hardly ever ends well. But she's secure enough to spend her only few on-hoof bits to get hot chocolate, so that's good. She's not in a tight spot. I am going to suspect that perhaps Hayseed Turniptruck shows up again?
And he does, with a leaky bucket and no sense of standing still on a hanging platform, no less. And, hahaha, comical fall to the sidewalk wiht virtually no repercussions. I approve of cartoon logic in a story, no sarcasm. It fits with the FiM universe and makes me smile.
Aww, what a generous guy, giving up his only coat. Ooooo, and now she's giving him her address. I wonder if thats like giving someone your phonenumber now. She could truly just want to return the coat, but this is a romance story, afterall, and I'm strongly suspecting the Fleurniptruck shipping that may happen. I could be wrong, as I suck at seperating friendship from romance, but I feel confident about this one.
Yeah. I'm feeling confident enough to 'call it'. Fleurniptruck all the way! Though I wonder if she'll be jealous or pleased if (hopefully WHEN) she see's he's a perfect gentlecoalt to every mare he meets.
Been a few days but here we go ^.^ Gotta admit that the first paragraph threw me off. We ended with her walking home and now she's waking up at home. Once I caught up with it in my own head, though, I was fine.
Aaaaand I think you need an 'and' at the end of that list of breakfast morsals.
Damn, she must have been tired to have gone home and gone right to bed without eating the night before.
I really feel for Fleur as she struggles with her life. The seperation of marriage and career seem to be harder on her than one would think neccesary simply because she is so famous. And, unlike the celebrities of our world, she seems to genuinely not want that sort of scandal or publicity to skyrocket her name onto the covers of magazines and into the interview rooms. She just wants happiness, which is something I'm pretty sure everyone can relate to.
That comma ought to be a semi-colon
Arrrgh! Parenthesis!
I'm feeling like this chapter lacks some of the detail of previous chapters. For instance, when Fleur comes back down the steps to return the jack to Hayseed you do not mention that the jacket is in her posession nor how she carries it; is it across her back? in her mouth? being magically levitated?
Heh, I do like how most of Hayseed's thoughts always returns to cleaning windows. I guess if that's his special talent, then by golly he should go for it! He can become Canterlot's Finest Window Washer! And by that I mean a washer of the finest windows, not the best in the business, though I suppose one could lead to another.
I am enjoying the occasional switches to Hayseed's perspective, but they just leave me feeling...disintersted in him as a character. You have given Fleur phenomenal deapth and development, but nothing about Hayseed speaks of a deeper character; just a country bumpkin from his coat to his bones. He doesn't notice things and everything is so simple with him...I don't know what to think about him and I'm finding it hard to see what Fleur see's in him beyond him having manners. However, I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt since Fleur is on the immediate rebound and riding on an emotional high from getting out of that bad marraige.
And, of course, the moment I type that I reach the paragraphs where we do see a little more into Hayseed's mind. Still nothing impressive, but more detail is always a good thing.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love Sir de Lis. I imagine him speaking in a british accent when he says this, hahaha!
tune*
Lower, not "more low"
..."so here's my number...call me maybe"
And a sickeningly sweet and happy end to the chapter ^.^ It makes my heart smile~
I couldn't get that Forest Gump scene out of my head.
"I am not a smart man... But I know what love is"
"Meet me at this hotel tonight," oh, hmm hmm, I wonder...
"they had sex that night," ... That's it? I mean, cool story, but...
It's fine, i'm just disappointed a little
A good story. I saw the sex tag and thought it'd be a clopfic, which is my thing, but hey, whatever. You did a nice, romantic story and I enjoyed it.
I give you 5/5 licks
...yay
2427715
Ah well, glad you liked it! And thanks for the licks! Here's a lick back
Beautiful is all I can say.
Please continue this. I have so many different contingencies going off in my brain and I cannot decide which on I desire the most! Please help me find the correct path!
First off: flutterdash1, wow. That is a looooooong comment.
I've got to say, I like the idea, but I don't like Mr. Turniptruck. I think his name is ridiculous and if he was anymore hickish, he would bleed moonshine. I'll keep reading out of respect for the story, but I would just like to file this complaint.
My, my. How nice.
2433556 please for the love of everything that's good make another chapter please I'm begging you I really have to know where this goes ! Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaasssseeee!!!!
After seeing the difference of dislikes between the past story and this one, Nikolai Belinski's phrase would do: "Now you see them, now you don't". Story kicks ass by the way.