My Dear Shy - Life in Equestria

by Keeper-of-Harmony

Chapter Thirteen

You know, it'd be times like this I'd reflect on me establishing a certain form of closeness with a pony. A lavender cartoon pony with pegasus wings, a unicorn horn, and having the gift to speak fluid English. Well, technically they speak Equestrian, as I've been oh so humbly reminded from time and time again. Whatever.

I do find it queer that their language is scarily parallel to mine, and much as I'd want to know how or why I think it'll only make my brain numb. Furthermore, upon my observational visits around Ponyville from how long I've lived here, I've ascertained that several ponies here do possess architectures that starkly resemble our human handiwork...

Getting back on topic—before I almost railed off from the main subject there—it's times like this I'd be pensive about establishing a romantic bond with Twilight. Sure, I might again sound bigoted by noting such discriminatory thoughts but no matter what there is always going to be that boundary in how a person was born and raised to believe. Maybe if I was raised in Equestria, I'd probably have a more lenient perspective dating ponies.

Despite my hysterics, I assured myself that I'm willing to go along with it, even if it completely goes against the morals I've abided for years, and there's one of the things about me everyone should know is that I never go back on my word. I at least have to make a chivalrous example of my gender, right?

Nevertheless, I will make it a priority today to discuss things over with Twilight about keeping the illicit romance on a lower level, and possibly a lecture on dating. Perhaps I'll have that opportunity when we get to Canterlot.

"I'm just so happy for you two!" Fluttershy cheers for the second time, her hug tightening, turning vice-like, that it's draining the air in both mine and Twilight's lungs until our faces turn dark blue like blueberries. Who'd've thought that she has the bone-crushing strength of a python!

With little air I have to spare, I wheeze. "Ha... Yes- yes. I understand you're extremely happy for the both of us, but perhaps you could, ha, loosen up the hug a bit! I feel like my insides are gonna pop out of one of two exits."

Fluttershy releases her powerful grip, allowing us the opportune freedom to gasp for precious oxygen. "Oh, I'm sorry, Father. I guess I got carried away." Fluttershy blushes as she squees. "I mean, it's so marvelous that you've found a special somepony! And that special somepony is one of my best friends in the whole world!" She softly squeals in utter joy. Only my daughter could pull off something that graceful.

"I know!" Twilight exclaims happily. "I'm so glad you're not angry about all this."

Fluttershy leans in for another hug. "Why would I be? I have one of my best friends in the whole world dating the best dad in the whole world!" Aww shucks, Fluttershy. I don't think I rightfully deserve that title, but it's heartwarming to know that she thought it to be true. Letting go, she quickly skips over and gives me another short hug. "This is so exciting that I could scream out to the entire town! Oh um... Not really, but... You get the point."

I stand back up to my full height, nodding.

"Alright, well I'm going to go get my suit and pants and head upstairs to get cleaned up," I say as I grab the aforementioned clothes from the couch's armrest and sling them over my shoulder.

"In that case, I need to get the pellets to feed my fluffy bunnies. The poor little things must be starving from waiting this long," Fluttershy says worriedly.

"And I should go with Rick and make sure he doesn't, uh, fall or anything," Twilight adds, following me in pursuit.

I begin to escalate the stairs, rolling my eyes. Yeah... in case I'd fall...

I mistake the timing of my feet, and instead of putting my whole foot on the topmost stair, only my toes catch the lip of it, causing me to teeter. I flail both arms in a vain effort to recover my balance but with Twilight right behind me, she catches my fall with the blanket of her magic and pushes me forward as I regain my footing.

Whew, I mouth. I look over my shoulder and give her a thankful look. "Heh... Uh, thanks, Twilight. Guess I should be more careful."

"No problem!" Twilight beams.

I take a moment to catch my breath, while Twilight goes ahead of me, swishing her tail from side to side. That's given me more of a view than I wanted, or needed for that matter.

Honestly, some things are better left to the imagination. I'm not exactly sure how to feel about that, though.

I shake my head and continue up the stairs as Twilight enters the bathroom first, much to my relief, except now I have to wait, which thank my stars it hasn't taken her long. She exits the bathroom minutes after with that saucy look on her visage as she passes me by.

I do get it that I maybe am her first boyfriend, but all this flirtation and seduction nonsense does not tickle my fancy nor is it helping with my prejudices. I have a sneaking suspicion that she could have been given some tips by certain ponies, which I automatically presume Rarity amongst them.

Why have I presumed it to be Rarity? My daughter had imparted to me that Rarity is kind of known to be a minx. Well, that is plausible, what with the accent the unicorn has and how overtly flirtatious she is at times, especially with calling almost everyone "Darling". She even has an obsessive history with romance.

Fluttershy knows too well of this since about several months ago, she told me that Rarity would persistently goad her to flirt with a dude named Big Macintosh, or some other guy named Doctor Whooves. I don't know why, but the latter's name seems dimly familiar...

With all that thoughtfully said, I will need to talk with Twilight how I feel about the flirting and questionable gestures.

I march straight into the bathroom and take a nice, clean and warm shower. I make an extra effort scrubbing my armpits to rid all of the odor. After rinsing and drying off, I wrap a towel around my waist and stand in front of the mirror cabinet. I run a hand down the side of my cheeks to my chin, feeling my rigid sideburns.

Boy, I sure let myself go, I say in thought.

Opening the cabinet that is full of various toiletries, which includes a pit stick and cologne I've brought from Earth, I grab a buzzer on the shelf and gently close it. Why Fluttershy has a buzzer remains a mystery to me, but I'm not going to question it now as it is about to prove its usefulness. As I shave away, I could feel the coolness touching my skin. It feels therapeutic. I then put away the buzzer back into the cabinet and snatch the cologne. I spray the fragrance from head to toe profusely. I store away the cologne and next rub my pits with the deodorant.

Setting the deodorant down beside the cologne, I grab a toothbrush and toothpaste in each hand. With my left hand I squeeze the tube as a string of the stuff comes out like play dough onto the bristles, and with my right hand holding the dental instrument I begin brushing away. Once finished, I sip the tap water, gurgle, and spit into the sink's drain. Using my forearm to wipe my mouth off, I notice an oddity in the mirror...

Part of me is wondering if I'm dreaming or if someone had spiked the water supply with some kind of hallucinogenic drug since my reflection is holding up its right arm while I'm holding up my right arm. That's... not right. If I'm raising my right hand, the reflection should be raising its left hand.

I just stand here, holding the toothbrush absentmindedly while trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I move my hand, the reflection's hand goes in the complete opposite direction. I blink my right eye, the reflection blinks its right eye, too. Calmly I lay the toothbrush down on the sink, rubbing my eyes with the ball of my palms. I then eye the mirror scrutinizingly.

I blink my left eye, the reflection blinks the appropriate eye.

Good, everything is back to normal.

As I put on the suit and pants and about to depart, once again I notice my reflection is going in the opposite direction where I'm originally going. I backpedal back to the mirror just as my mirrored counterpart does.

Okay, I think I might be hallucinating now.

I blink several more times, as my reflection does also. However, after the fourth time I blinked, my reflection's eyes change color. The sclera stays white, but the irises are a jaundiced yellow with red pinpricks.

Oh, now I'm understanding what's going on...

I glare at the mirror with a scowling frown. "Cut it out, Discord."

My reflection gains a mind of its own and starts floating around within the frame of the mirror.

"Awww, you're no fun, Ricky-boy."

"Far as our friendship goes, you will address me regularly as Rick," I scowl. "What exactly are you doing here, anyway?" I ask, cocking a brow.

"Well," the other me begins in Discord's voice. He materializes a comfy-looking red recliner with one snap and sits on it. "I thought I'd drop by to see how you are doing."

I stare at him oddly. "Good, I guess?" I am not privy to what the actual occasion Discord is here for. The timing is a bit coincidental... I shoot him a stink eye. "Seriously, what are you doing here? I don't think you'd pop here out of no reason."

Discord taps his chin thoughtfully. "I suppose I am here for something," he vaguely says.

"Okay? Go on?" I goad with a roll of my wrist.

"I happen to have noticed that you've gotten yourself a marefriend," Discord states with an impish smirk.

"You have a tendency brown-nosing in people's business," I remark.

"Then what friend would I be if I couldn't stay in touch with everything you do?" Discord gives his defensive reason. "Is that so wrong, Rick?"

"In some way, yes," I say flatly. "Look, I don't have the time to chit-chat, Discord. You see-"

"Yes, yes. I know," Discord interrupts, nodding knowingly. "Foregathering at Celestia's castle in Canterlot, am I right?"

I glare. "Just how long have you been eavesdropping?"

Discord poofs up a wine glass and a carton of chocolate milk. He holds the wine glass upside down above the carton as the contents from the carton float up into the glass like a reversal pour. With another snap, the carton puffs up in smoke as he swirls the milk in his glass.

"Long enough to know about your disdain for musicals, my compadre," he says in a way that's like a cat that got the cream, before taking a light sip of his drink.

Great... he now has an ace in his arsenal...

The anger that was building up within flips to that of instant anxiety. I look to him imploringly.

"Discord, buddy," I say, "surely you wouldn't be that cruel enough to consider torturing me with musicals, would you?"

He looks at me with that same smug. "The thought never occurred to me," he admits. "But I will make note of it. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think ahead before acting out."

I gulp. "Yes, that tends to be a foible of mine," I admit, ashamed. "What exactly would I have to do to persuade you not to use that prank?"

"How can a human such as you offer anything to a spirit of chaos?" Discord asks wryly. "I can conjure anything on a whim."

"Uhh..." I begin dumbly. I then shrug. "I'll be honest that I've got nothing."

"I figured as such," Discord says with a sly grin. "But there may be someway you can convince me never to use it."

"And what would that be?"

Discord sips the remainder of his drink and flicks it away. "Hmm..." he hums thoughtfully. His expression brightens as a light bulb appears above his head. "Your suit and pants, Rick."

"Yeah? What about them?" I say, wringing my hands.

Discord's devious smile stretches further, making me feel more uneasy. "What about them is they're too bland. Black is such a depressing color and in no way a suitable choice on such a wonderful day. If you're going to be somewhere and aim to impress the populace, I'd say you need a touch of color here and there."

I really don't like where this is going...

I frown. "Oh, you're so not going to do anything to them. I paid good money for these!" I protest.

Discord crosses his arms and shakes his head in a deprecating way. "That is a shame. I suppose I'll mosey along, then." Discord, still assumed as I, stands up from the recliner and begins to slowly walk away.

"WAIT!" I holler softly.

"Yeeesss?" Discord says, his neck stretching to an absurd length.

I huff out a defeated sigh and look away, grumbling. "I'll do it..."

"You'll what?" he asks, with an ear growing twice its normal size.

I speak up louder with clenched teeth. "I said I'll do it..." I snarl acidly.

Discord clicks his tongue.

"Come on, Rick. Try to say it in a more lively tone."

Some day Discord, I'll get you back for this.

I make the poor attempt to smile despite how boiled I am and speak politely. "I'll do it, Discord. Please... give my suit and pants more of an animated color..."

There goes my dignity and pride.

Discord claps his hands and rubs them together gleefully. "As you wish, Ricky-boy!"

---

I lightly stomp down the stairs in my new suit and pants, murmuring minced curses. I see Twilight sitting on the couch with Fluttershy as they snap their attention to me as soon as I enter their peripheral vision. Both of them give me a once-over and I can see that Fluttershy has a perplexed look on her face while Twilight has a doting one.

"Aww," Twilight says, "magenta with yellow polka-dot smiley faces? How-" I then hold up a hand.

"Not. Another. Word."

Comments

[Viper Pit]

Discord is a funny antagonist

[Keeper-of-Harmony]

10133841
As to be expected from the deity of mischief.

[Keeper-of-Harmony]

10128220

10128429

10128863
Thank you all for the sentiments. I hope the changes and merges were to your liking.

[Viper Pit]

10134208
Very true