• Member Since 21st Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 23rd, 2018

Keanno


T

Lily Bloom is a gifted unicorn has been accepted into Luna’s Academy for Young Unicorns. A new school with new ponies to meet. This is scary for her and her Dad knows it. So as a gift he gives her a special diary. Telling her when you write in it with this blue ink he be able to read it so she won’t ever feel too far from home. The following is an transcript recovered by the Ministry of Morale as written in her father’s journal.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )

The flow is pretty smooth and it mimics the writing of a young filly pretty well (with spelling errors and all)

Only thing I spotted that bothered me is she mentions Professor Apple Peel going upstairs and not coming back, and then a few paragraphs later he's trying to shield the kids. Still, that ending, aw man. :raritydespair:

I also half-expected the entries to start with "Dear Kitty..." (Bonus points if you know where that's from!) :pinkiesad2:

2343964 hehe forgot that error. I have to fix it really quick. The problem is I had to have fewer editors look over this story, because I needed to keep it in line with the concept of it being a school filly.

Fix it. Ignore my silliness

Thank you for the catch.

An interesting story, however my only problems with it is that there are no date marks in the corner, like a person writing in a journal would have (unless it was already pre-marked), and the final paragraphs seem to be pretty calmly written down (I know this is an odd thing to say, since we are typing and not physically writing, but what I mean is that everything seems to be spelled just fine ( for the most part )).

2346683

Thank you for your comment. Sadly I don't know what a Equestria date system would look like so I left it kind of out; in-exchange for the character saying how much time has past per entry.

As for the final paragraph. Again sadly I would like to have more errors and problems however if there were to many errors it would not be readable and people my lose focus on what is happening with the character during her last moments. I may sometime pick up this story again and expand it to support more stories of Lily Bloom in the school.

Thank you again.

2349285 Good point about not knowing the date system. In writing my own story, this has been a problem as well.

Blue text... Why?:pinkiesad2: Why did you have to do that to my eyes? If it wasn´t a part of the plot do I really not think that I would have read it all.

Something that hit me while reading the text and saw how I at times had problems with keeping the sections from each other with the first gaze, do you know of the horizontial rule command? Because I think that would be good to show that we are stating a new section up when we have no other marks that can show it. I am giving an example on the command here, and it is just [ hr ] without the spaces.


And two nitpicks.
"the one that mom had babysit me and sis when you two were working" Did you not mean foal sit?
"Dad pl-ase helo pleas- h-lo" I know what effect that you where going for, but it would not be something that you wrote in a book

2370566

Thank you for your observations. As for the hr rule I don't know the commands to well. It took a long time just try to get it all in blue test. I am sorry that it was in blue text but I think it was needed for the story. As for babysitting and foul sitting. I think both would work since in the show baby and foul are used. So both concepts could be used. As for the second item. In her stat odds are she was really trying to make it look right she just wanted to get the words in.

Again thank you for your observations.

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