I'm a bisexual atheist from texas suffering from how lame life is and how awesome I am in comparison. (that's a joke...you can laugh now...)
Jake Turner, a schizophrenic teenager, who's constantly getting beat up and harassed at school for being a freak, finally gets the nerve to ask out his crush, Scootaloo.
Rated Teen for language and its gonna get kinda creepy later on in the story.
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'A-BLOO-BLOO-BLOO MY CHARACTER IS OFTEN HARASSED'
Yeah, no.
Although schizophrenia? Interesting. I suggest you restart this and try again, but maintain the schizophrenia and the fact that Scootaloo doesn't exist.
What? It seems to be the most likely outcome.
If this becomes a clopfic... *shudder*.
Right, while on the whole the story... sorta makes sense, it's paced at a ridiculous speed.
For example, in one sentence:
“Huh, who the fuck are you calling losers Turner. That's it, you creep me out you little freak.” Featherweight started walking towards me and I panicked and that's when I blacked out.
Aside from a few grammatical errors (also fuck = buck, girl we in equestria now), the main reason I take issue with this is 'Featherweight started walking towards me and I panicked and that's when I blacked out.'
SLOW THE HAY DOWN, SON.
Take time to explain what's happening, how characters feel; those last few words could EASILY be made more tense and gripping.
'Featherweight slowly lumbered towards me, etching a sly grin across his face as he reached out to grab me. I wanted to run away and hide, but I didn't even get chance as my train of thought was derailed and I dropped to the floor in a slumped pile of panic and despair.'
You don't even need to directly state that the character is blacking out, just describe the actions and the reader can imagine it far easier than 'Featherweight started walking towards me and I panicked and that's when I blacked out.'
Work on your descriptions and pacing, because with work this fic could become far stronger.
2351070
If Scootaloo actually doesn't exist I will forgive the OP for everything and have a sudden overwhelming respect for their bravery in putting a story with such emotional themes into this judgemental world.
Do this.
Make it happen.
2351144 He gets it. Internet high five?
maniacworld.com/internet-high-five.jpg
2351151
I award you, sir, with the sum of 4 internets and a 4chan, to be paid in full by the bank of Cyprus. (In other words you won't be getting those internets.)
Anyway, internet high five! (I'm on a phone so I couldn't find a picture D: )
2351207 It's cool.
2351099 Don't worry, I don't intend on making this a clopfic and now that you mention it, i did rush it a tad bit, thanks for the critique, I'll try to remember that when I work on the next chapter next week
Don't worry I have mine under control
No you don't
Yes I do, shut up
No make me
I shall *puts on headphones and blasts dubstep* VICTORY
The chaotic back and forth of terms being swapped from pony to human is actually quite fitting. Some things you might want to work on would be formatting as well as stretching out the length. I think the story definitely has flaws, but just as much potential. Keep working on it my friend!
I just need to know one thinb, do they live in a pony-humzn world, all of them anthro, or is it just plain human?
Also, you need to work on that pace of yours.
And the detail bro.
This story is great, just need to work on those grammar errors and pace
2351908
Phew. But yeah, I'm going to keep my eye on this story and hopefully it'll improve over time. It's an interesting plot point you've got there, with schizophrenia, and I think you can do some huge things with it. Good luck with your story!
2354197 its a all human world, where they live is called Equestria, and it has pony references like the names and government.
he should study hand to hand combat techniques in his spare time, it would be better if he could defend himself
the whole cutie-mark crusader and horse references will make sense in the third chapter. sorry for not explaining sooner