Just like every other night, Vinyl awoke to the sounds of a cello. The light tone of an ‘F’ sharp entered the room on a silver stroke. Vinyl tried to tune out the noise, but it changed to a higher tone. Probably something on the ‘A’ string. Vinyl pushed herself out of the cozy covers, and started her stroll to the door. Upon opening the door, just as she figured, it stopped. She started to Octavia’s quarters, only to find that she was missing, once again. Vinyl sighed and headed to the stairs. Like every other night, they were darkened and lost in the smothering shadows. She nearly tripped over a step; gracefully catching herself on the guard railing. She pursued the gray mare’s trail. It’s not too hard to follow somepony lugging a hunk of wood and metal around.
The trail lead to the door, it was barely ajar, but open nonetheless. She walked to the door, and started to open it, trying to stay as hidden as possible. The door creaked, but only in small strives and whispers.
Vinyl didn’t really mind getting caught, after all, it wasn’t her fault she woke up. “Geez Octi. You couldn’t have picked a worse time. Last time it was midnight.” she murmured, shuddering as the cold air passed through her fur.
Octavia started to become more and more paced, she started to run, or tried to run; with a cello, nopony could really run. Vinyl just walked her slow pace, knowing where she was going; after ten times of going to the same place, you kinda get used to it; even if you don’t make it all the way. Vinyl had waited for the right time to bring it up, and decided it was time. As soon as she caught Octavia in the act, she would talk to her about it.
Vinyl watched at a distance as Octavia set her cello’s endpin into the rocky base of the hill’s floor. Like any other night, Octavia drew her bow, and laid it on her silver and bronze strings. She started to play a song, a song of pure wonder. Every night it sounded better than the last. She wanted to talk to her, but after every run through of the song, she would play it once more, making it sound of a dying symphony. Like every other night, the song was the same, and never different from the original. Vinyl started to think to herself, Well, maybe I could interrupt her song just this once. Just to talk to her about this. Let’s see
before Vinyl could answer herself, she was drawn in by a new song. This song was so majestic, nopony could fully resist it. Vinyl started to walk up the hill from her hiding spot in the bushes. She started to creep up behind Octavia before reaching the floor she sat on.
With no warning, Vinyl pulled her friend in the biggest hug she could. The sudden grab threw Octavia off, making dropped her cello; ultimately shattering on the rocks below. While Vinyl was rubbing her mane against the soft grey skin of her dear friend, Octavia was mourning over the loss of her wonderful instrument. She was even more depressed than she already was.
Vinyl decided to have the first word, “Oh my gosh! I loved that song so much, what's it called?” She was hugging Octavia even harder, squeezing the air out of her.
Tears entered Octavias eyes, “It was called ‘Waltz no.1’, but now it is gone with the cello.”
Vinyl loosened her grip, “Oh I’m sorry about that. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
Octavia started to walk down the slope to retrieve the remains of her beloved cello, “No, just go home, and, I don’t know, make bass or whatever the hell it is you do.”
Vinyl was sad as well after a mean remark like that, “Okay, I guess. I’ll just wait-”
“No go right now. I don’t need you here, You’ll just break something, again.” She didn’t want Vinyl around anymore.
Vinyl lowered her voice, “Oh okay, I guess. But I can help you get your pieces back, or something-”
Octavia raised her voice some, “No.”
Vinyl was lowering her voice in response, “bu-”
Octi raised her voice, “No!”
vinyl lower her’s once more, “I can help-”
octavia was in full rage, “Nein, gehen Sie weg bereits!”
Vinyl got scared by the long words, and threatening tone, “Okay, suit yourself”
As Octavia started to move down the dew and moss covered cliff side, Vinyl began to walk away. After a minute of going down the cliff side, Vinyl came back and started to watch Octi. Octavia noticed red eyes staring at her from atop the cliff, got scared and lost her balance. Octavia started to plummet to the earth just like her cello a while ago. Vinyl noticed and tried to catch her; she nearly missed, grabbing her hoof in the air with her magic. Octavia was mad, but in no place to complain.
“Well Octavia, aren’t you glad I was here?”
“No, not really.”
“Well, sucks to be you. So why were you going down, anyways?”
“I was going to get something.”
“Get what?”
“A piece of my cello.”
“What piece?”
Octavia let out a sigh “The bridge.”
“You mean that white piece?”
“Yes, it means alot to me. I got it from somepony special.”
“No problame-o. I got this,” Vinyls horn started to light up with a wonderful light blue aura. Out of the deepness of the valley came the entire cello, the bridge held above the rest of the rubble. She dropped everything except the bridge, bringing it close to her face, she started to read what was inscribed on it:
~Ihre Liebe, Silber-String~
Vinyl pushed it into Octavia’s hooves; she held it close to her chest. Vinyl wanted to ask, but was a bit shy, and out of place to be asking. She was hoping Octavia would explain some, easing the stress on the white mare.
Octavia let out a sigh, “So, I guess you want to know what it says, right?”
Vinyl shook her head, “It is up to you; Only if you want to share.”
Octavia started to walk up to Vinyl, she got close enough to her ear to say what she wanted to say, “it said, ‘Your love, Silver String.’ I’d rather not talk about him though.”
“Fine by me girl; So we going back or what?”
“I guess so. I don’t have any reason to stay here. After you, Miss, Scratch.”
Vinyl donned her shades “You know I don’t like it when you do that. Fine Miss. Fancy bowtie... Okay Octi, lets go.”
This can be good, the plot is there, it just need some water and sun light to grow. You need to slow down. and fill in the blanks. like where are they, how long have the been friends, Stuff like that. you might want to pull this story off and re-post it after. that way you wont have any bad press or dislikes. Just have fun with it. if you cant have fun while writing. then what is the point?
Yes, slowing down would do wonders to this story. Their emotional changing is surprisingly fast. It's like, you're forcing the whole story to get to its end. Take your time and savor every moment of writing.
Also, you might want to fix some things in it. Missing sentence-ending punctuation and forgot upper case at the beginning of the sentence.
And the last thing, but it's not a big problem. Calling Octavia simply 'octi', in the narrator's name is not really a proper way to tell the happenings. but it's just my opinion, maybe there are people who like it that way...
So, slow down, add more detail and such. Fix those typos or I don't know how to call them and it should be good.
Here, have a like for encouragement.
Have a nice day!
~Adam
2348103
i would say that that was kind helpful. but not realy. anyways thanks for telling me
it was ment for vinyl and octi fans that are already firmiliar with the duo. as for the quick paced, it kinda was, but it is just the intro and only 1000 words. the intro is to grab atention, (or as my teatur alls it, the"hook")
if i get pressed with dislikes ill do what i did before,
(i removed the story to reedit) it got 9 likes to 33 dislikes before i ended it
2349551
well thanks, but it couldn't be any longer than this, it is the intro. the people i am for like short chapters with simple plots thatarn't to long on details and hate 4000 words.
asfor the No caps at the start of sentances. if you ment the talking part ya i need to fix that.
as for not enough detain. if you have a basic knolage of the carectors and the items they are using it would make sence, cellos are strong and sturdy, so if i had to break from inpact it has to be mroe the 10 feet.
2349597 Oh, I get it now. Okay, then. For an intro, it is really good and yes, if we know the characters, then of course you don't have to explain every single thing. Well done, in that case!
It's just my thing, that I like to explain everything anyways, so...
2349640 its fine. i never go into detail like this story.
2 scootaloos for you
sweetie belle wanted in.
2349701 Okay.
2349708 eeyup. now if i may, i am going to get something done in my life. and try and find that blimy spider
2349712 Haha! Alright!
2349712 because you wanted it here you go derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDMvMzEvMDRfMzVfMzBfNjM0XzI4NDAxOF9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfcmFyaXR5X2FuaW1hdGVkX3N3ZWV0aWVfYmVsbGVfY3J5aW5nX2RvdWJsZV9yYWluYm9vbS5naWYiXV0/284018__safe_rarity_animated_sweetie-belle_crying_double-rainboom_choking_5158a7fb7f123b0e1a000175.gif
heres a link to pic
2351962 okay, but i alread stole the other one
ill take this one too
2351979 thats the spirit
looks like google translator disappointed another one who needed a translation. octavia was in full rage, “Nein, gehen Sie weg bereits!” what were you trying to say?
2357181 Nein, gehen Sie weg bereits is german for, "no go away already"
2357662 that would be the google translation version of german. if you translate it properly then it would be "Nein, hau endlich ab!" or "Nein, geh endlich weg!". I am from germany so trust me on this.
2357807 okay, i was thier but never learned. i think it is the order i put them in. like in spanish the order changed the word format.
lolz. and yay a german. would you mind helping me with this?
2357851 sure send me a message with what you want to have translated and i do my best.
2357898 okay, so far nothing is realy going to happen. in german anyways.
and i am going to google translate yours and compair
2357898
Nein, hau endlich ab! = get out at last!
i have class transistion so i have to go
will do
2357918 lol google translate works better for words not for sentences because it ignores the grammar.
2357940 true, i should have figered.
well it is nice to have a german on the site for once (your the first one i have seen here)