Souls Apart

by GnollReader

Chapter 40: Four cheeks

Celestia and Luna rushed through the castle and up the stairs leading to Celestia's chambers. As they came around the last corner and approached the doors, a magical explosion shook the floor beneath them and the necromancer could be heard shouting through the closed doors.

"Motherfucker!"

The next moment, the doors were thrown open from the inside and the necromancer rushed out with fury in his eyes and mana still cracking around him as it slowly started to dissipate again. A few steps outside the doors, he spotted the two alicorns, "You!" he stormed towards Celestia, "I have been put through many things in my life, but that?! That is simply insulting!" he thundered at her, "What the hell were you thinking?!"

Celestia cringed, "Aergad, please. There is no reason to..."

"A fucking stallion?!" he continued to curse, "Do I look like some sort of queer to you?! Even if I would agree to this and even if he is the only royal around..." his fists shook with anger and he sneered at her, "If I ever have to meet that self-indulgent, stuck-up piece of shit again..." he pointed a finger at her, "I will blow him up. Do you understand me? I will fucking turn him inside out and incinerate what is left of him! Got that?!"

"So you didn't kill him?" Luna raised an eyebrow in surprise, she herself had a very strong distaste of Blueblood.

"Why? Do you want me to kill him?" the necromancer pulled back his sleeves, "I can do that too! Free of charge!" he started to turn around.

"No!" Celestia nearly toppled over her own legs as she cut him off.

"No?" he narrowed his eyes, "Then why the hell did you make me meet him?"

"As it is, he is the only eligible candidate." Celestia tried to calmly explain it to him, "And tradition does not require you to marry him if he is of the same gender as you are." the necromancer raised an eyebrow, "He would only need to live under your protection."

"Under my protection?" the necromancer sneered, "The only way that little fuck can stay inside my place is inside a torture chamber or a coffin!" he shook his head, "I no longer care who I have to marry, as long as I never have to see him again!" he gave the two alicorns a stare, "So you can either appoint a new princess, or you can step up yourselves! I am done with negotiations!" he stepped past the two alicorns and started to leave, "Number thirty-two?!" his shout echoed through the castle.

"Yes, boss?" one of the imps poked its head around a corner.

"Get the slingshot ready!" the necromancer thundered as he stepped past the imp, "I want to blow something up!"

"At once, boss!" the imp struck a salute as Aergad left.

Celestia and Luna watched as both the necromancer and the imp left, feeling slightly at a loss for words.

"What do we do now?" Luna finally commented after a moment of silence.

"I don't know..." Celestia sighed, "I need time to think this through and... wait." she paused before her eyes widened considerably, "Blueblood!" under the necromancer's storm of anger, both of them had temporarily forgotten the prince.

Before the two could rush through the doors though, Blueblood's voice could be head from inside, "This way, I say!"

"No! This way!"

"I am prince Blueblood!"

"No, I am!"

Celestia and Luna listened to the argument, completely at a loss at what they were hearing. As the dispute inside continued though, prince Blueblood finally stepped out of Celestia's chambers... and the unasked question of what had happened was solved.

At first Blueblood's head poked through the open doors, then his neck, his body... and finally, where is flank should have been... a second head just like the first came before the two alicorns' eyes. It almost looked as if the young prince had been mirrored in the middle, the front halves of two ponies tied together at their waist... and continuously arguing with one another.

"I am leading!"

"No, I am!" the two heads struggled for control of lead position.

"I don't believe it." Celestia managed to mumble as the two headed Blueblood tried to walk in two directions at once.

"He has got to teach me that one..." Luna commented with a small smirk.

As the fight in the corridor continued, a second set of hooves exited Celestia's chambers and the two alicorns felt their jaws drop. The creature before them had no head. Instead, there was a flank at each end. It seemed that what the two arguing Bluebloods were missing from waist down had been joined to form a second, even obscurer pony.

"Four cheeks..." Luna mumbled in surprise as the two flanks stumbled through the corridor and occasionally bumped into a wall.

"Why would anyone even know of such a spell?" Celestia asked next to her as the headless obscurity started to whirl around itself.

Luna raised an eyebrow, "How does it eat?" she turned her gaze to the two quarreling heads of Blueblood, "And how will they use the toilet?"

"I don't even want to find out." Celestia groaned and approached him, "Blueblood..."

"Yes?" the two heads turned to her in unison and Celestia found herself unsure which head to address.

"What did you do to make the necromancer this upset?" Celestia's voice was stern.

"Nothing!" the first head protested.

"That hideous creature insulted me first!"

"I merely stated that his appearance was utterly unfit for a meeting with somepony of my social status!"

"His attack was absolutely unwarranted and I demand..."

"Blueblood..." Celestia's voice took a warning tone, "What, did you say?"

Both heads flinched, "I... may have made a slightly suggestive comment regarding the profession of his mother..."

Next to him, the two-flanked obscurity ran into a wall and toppled over, eliciting a small snort of amusement from Luna.

---

The paladin had been busying herself by polishing her sword, the whole time trying to come to a conclusion concerning Aergad's offer. A general... the title in itself held promise... and the chance to train her own army and govern a city... Even if she had to work for him, it would give her something to strive for... the founding of her own order of paladins.

Though there still was the issue of the diamond dogs. She didn't know what they were or what to expect... she'd have to ask Twilight Sparkle for information on them on the next occasion. She would not set out heading towards an unknown foe, even with an army of the undead under her command.

Calindria paused her work and looked up in surprise, "Did I already decide on this?" she shook her head with a sigh, "Damn him for using me like that..." she watched nicks in her sword with a sad face, "But what else would I do?" she looked around the small room in dismay.

"Fire!" Aergad's voice could be heard even through the closed windows of the small cottage. A split second later, an explosion rocked the chair she was sitting on.

Calindria let out a groan, "And here we go again... What's that fool doing this time?" she started to go for her armor, but paused. She took another look at her sword and the plates on her bed, struggling with herself. But then, she left the armor on the bed and leaned the sword against one of the walls.

As she started to the head for the front door of the small house another explosion shook the walls. The paladin reached the front door, "Here's to new starts..."

---

"Fire!" there was a loud twang as the large slingshot sent another disk into the air, followed by an explosion as the necromancer's fireball hit it in midair.

The necromancer flexed his fingers and watched the imps reload the spring, "That little bastard..." he mumbled to himself, "Saying that to me with a straight face? You just wait..." an evil grin spread his lips, "You just wait till you have to hit the toilet." he chuckled, "Let's see how you like it when real shit comes out of your mouth! Fire!" he watched the disc shoot into the air, "Fucking royals..." the disc was shattered by his fireball.

"You're in a good mood." Aergad turned to see the paladin approach him... unarmed, "What happened this time?"

"No sword? No armor? That's a new one..." he raised an eyebrow and returned his attention to the sling, "Almost didn't recognize you without all the metal..." she scoffed, "Fire!"

Calindria watched the explosion that followed, feeling the heat on her face as she stood next to him, "Nice shot." she remarked with a dry voice. It actually was impressive to watch now that she wasn't on the receiving end for once.

"Doesn't give me much peace though..." the necromancer grumbled before rubbing his chin, "Maybe I could make them scream?" he passed the paladin a short glance. If she had been carrying her armor he would have felt tempted to blast her instead.

"What happened?" she asked again.

"Princess Celestia, in her unending wisdom saw it fit to have me meet princess Blueblood..." he sneered.

"And?"

"Turns out princess Blueblood is really prince Blueblood..." a snort of amusement escaped the paladin, "And he is a complete and utter arse..."

"You didn't kill him, did you?" Calindria asked with worry.

"The boss did the Four-Cheeks!" one of the imps at the slingshot cackled with glee, "Ready when you are, boss! Shot's loaded!"

The paladin cringed, "Oh god... What did he do to deserve that one?" she remembered her own experience with that spell... and the horror that had befallen her when she had needed to use the toilet.

The necromancer sighed and let his head drop slightly, "Insulted my mother..." he rubbed his temples, "Everyone, bring it inside again. I'm not getting anything from this." the imps made disappointed faces, "Come on, I still have stuff to take care of..." he watched the imps carry the slingshot and discs inside before returning his attention to the paladin, "Do you want a drink?"

Calindria stared at him with disbelief, "A what?"

"A drink." he repeated with a slightly bored expression, "You know, booze."

"You actually have alcohol?" she gasped.

"Ale, cider, wine, rum and brandy..." he remarked with a small smirk before heading for the tower, "I feel like I could use a good drink right now... Feel free to tag along."

The paladin suddenly felt thirstier than she had ever been before. How she had longed for a good flagon of ale or a hearty wine these past days...

She only noticed that she was already following him when the doors of the tower closed behind her.

Comments

[Mr101]

I'm crying with laughter, you're a genius Gnoll, a bloody genius.

[DVAN56]

My side. This chapter was brilliant.

[tg backslash]

...... you ser Gnoll.... you are a wonderful person and not much need be said about this beautiful piece of genius you have created here....i applaud

[monkeyXtypewriter]

This phenominon needs to be investimigated, i say! Im calling it the gnoll conundrum: how does everything he writes, turn to pure gold? tis not possible! ...and yet here it is.

[Xomniac]

Well...OK, I know everyone's going to be saying something like this buuut...hey, it's not much of a difference right? I mean, he always did talk out of his ass.

[KingOfTheMuffins]

"Do I look like some sort of queer to you?!

Reminds me of that Left 4 Speed 2 video...

"Hey look, Ellis! Kiddieland!"

"Do I look like some sort of queer to you?"

*facepalm*

3125312

My boy! This humor is what all true writers strive for!

[Mr101]

3125468
"I wonder what's for dinner?"

[KingOfTheMuffins]

3125475

LOTS'A SPAGHETTI!

lots... of... s...p...a...g...h...e...t...t...i...

[GnollReader]

3125482 t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTs_Fh9vSoIxIY-2HfLJKbhQBVSysGfGke-PEy6gs8BqjpbymIorEXrGxc

[KingOfTheMuffins]

3125493

Playing Earthbound while watching Zelda CD-i videos is one of the strongest "drugs" the Internet can subject you to.

[DracoWrath]

I swear Gnoll what are you a god of writing

[KingOfTheMuffins]

3125532

He has undergone apotheosis in writing and has transcended the very limits of humanity's best literature through it. At least, that's what I think ^_^.

[SwimmingDalek98]

... I want to learn that spell. WHO'S WITH ME?

[the monkey ninja]

Both heads flinched, "I... may have made a slightly suggestive comment regarding the profession of his mother..."

Dear Blueballs,

You do not deserve your title, so I shall not refer to you as "prince". Of ALL of the possible things you could have said, Blueballs, you said the ONE AND ONLY THING that would have given you the worst thing physically possible while not physically harming you. Next time you will not be nearly that lucky. You honestly deserve it. That is like having an honest fight between to guys, when one pulls out brass-knuckles/iron-horseshoes and nailing the other guy in the balls, followed by the person tea-bagging you then spitting on your cringing body on the ground. Or digging up your loved ones corpse only to take the femur and nail you in the balls with it. Adding insult to horrible, extremely painful injury. Go die, Blueballs, go die.

Please go burn,
the monkey ninja Esq. I

[Fugly Duckling]

3125475 ''He must be that feller that masturbates all day long''

*charger masturbating*

[Mr101]

3128315
"FOOTBALL!"

[KingOfTheMuffins]

3128327

"That is the scariest fucking thing I have ever seen in my entire life..."

*SPLAT*

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

[KingOfTheMuffins]

3127461

*cues epic intro*

[Savant Sentral]

3129724 So i am the ambassador. to the cupcakes. is that okay?

[Savant Sentral]

3130699

[KingOfTheMuffins]

3130699

Yes.

[The Well Dressed Ninja]

The Necromancer could just stuff him in the pygmy box.

fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/205/d/6/remake__blue_blood_must_be_heavy_by_thecoltalition-d58g18r.png

[Lupus]

3138270 This would be the best thing ever!

[The Crimson Reaper]

Oh my god, DID BLUE BLOOD CALL HIS MOTHER A WHORE!?!??!?!?! ...god help us all.

[NecromanCREEEEEE]

5883614 It's even worse for you to call his mother that. And Blueblood deserves that and more for a century without ageing.