The Homeward Journey - A Book of Poems

by SaxPon3

Essence of Loyalty

Essence of Loyalty

Stunning as night,
Shining as a star bright.
Flying and laughing,
Cheering and gasping.
Return to me you always do,
For loyalty is yo suit.

Never give up, never back down;
Not till victory is made your everlasting crown.
Fear nothing do you except failure and loss,
It'll be okay; tomorrow's fate's a toss.
Tomorrow’s a new day,
So don’t cry and waste away.
Get up, spread your wings, and fly!
Your courage is will be your mainstay,
Your spirit will never die.

I see you soaring above,
You see me down below.
Your smile full of love,
Your eyes filled with beautiful glow.
You fly down so low,
Coming to me on the ground.
With the wind your mane flows,
The air's filled with laughter all around.

I reach out to pull you to me,
To find you smiling brightly.
You say something quickly and grin,
I simply nod and smile within.
For though you know not,
You are the pony for which my heart’s sought.
You tell me I am a great friend,
One who will stay till the very end.

I only shake my head and say nervously,
"I’m doing only as many others would."
You frown and punch me playfully,
Telling me more pride would do me good.

Demons will follow you always,
But fear them you should not.
I will stay till the end,
You I will always defend.
For I know you would do the same for me,
You who are the essence of Loyalty.

Comments

[DreamWings]

You request it in the Reviewing folder and it arrives as if by magic. Dum dum dum...

Okay, yes, I have read all of them (and I might add, loved The Factory for its cleverness and repetition) but I've decided to come back to Number 6 to comment because this is the one I feel needs the most work doing to it (don't panic. It's not too much, promise).

1. Rhymes like this: Flashing through quickly, Dashing by speedily.
Firstly you don't need the capital letter on the verb after the comma-- secondly, they don't rhyme and don't fit in with the rhythm you have going. Say it out loud, the second line sounds a bit-- off. Which brings me on to

2. Some of the rhymes within this one in particular sound extremely forced. You have beautiful moments like:

I only shake my head and say nervously,
I'm doing only as many others would.
You frown and punch me playfully,
Telling me more pride would do me good.

Tied in with very forced rhymes like:

You tell me I’m a great friend,
One who’ll stay till the end.

These really should be revised to make the rhythm flow smoothly. You know, like you managed to do in 'The Factory', most of 'The Ring' and most of 'The Homeward Journey'.

The first few small poems may need a note on the top or bottom to explain what it has to do with the pony universe-- whether they be poems spoken by minstrels in certain cultures or just the thoughts of one of the characters; just to keep up with the FimFic thing we've got going on up in here.

All in all not bad little poems and it'd be good to see what else you can come up with. Come over into the Forum when you want to and write some more . We'll be waiting with open arms.

Good luck and good fun with whatever you do next.

Your friendly neighbourhood, DreamWings