Stupid Sexy Ponies
Chrysalicksy
by Present Perfect
It's not fair, thought Trixie. Even with a powerful ancient artifact, Twilight Sparkle was still able to defeat me? And with common trickery no less!
The irony of their reversal struck her like a signpost to the face. Or that may have been her running into a signpost that read "Now Entering Changeling Lands. Population: 2000 Changelings And 1 Very Fabulous Dragon".
Rubbing her head, Trixie glowered at the sign. She must have been wandering for days if she'd made it to the changeling lands. Casting a backwards glance, she shrugged. Though she hadn't exactly been exiled from Ponyville this time, there was nothing waiting for her back the way she'd come.
Besides, she suddenly though, growing excited, perhaps an all-new audience, one far removed from ponies, is just what I need to restart my career as an entertainer! The possibilities of changeling riches and fame flooded her mind and she squealed a bit, prancing on the spot.
"Yes!" she declared. "That is precisely what the Great and Powerful Trixie shall do! And this time, there will be no stupid sexy Twilight Sparkle to stop her! The changelings won't know what's coming!"
And with that, she galloped past the sign into the sandy valleys of the changeling lands.
Meanwhile, in the changeling hive, two changelings stood in the throne room.
"A pony has just entered our territory, my Queen," said one.
"We saw her coming a mile away," the other added.
Chrysalis rolled her eyes and sighed. "What pony would be stupid enough to cross into our lands? And so soon after our successful attack on Canterlot, too."
The changeling minions looked at one another. Neither was dumb enough to correct their monarch.
"You," Chrysalis continued, indicating the first changeling who had spoken, "what was your name again?"
"Um... Actually, Your Queenliness, I don't have a name."
"None of us do," the second was quick to add. "You never gave us any."
Chrysalis frowned. "Oh yes, now I remember. Maybe I should put that back on my to-do list someday. Anyway, Chowderhead, gather up a flight of changelings and go see what our dear interloper is up to. If they have anything to trade or any strong emotions, bring them to me. Otherwise, let the desert have them, ha ha ha!"
She laughed a wicked laugh that was echoed by the numerous hangers-on and brown-nosers who lived in the throne room as the newly-named Chowderhead went off to do as bidden.
"Ooh," said the other. "Your Holeyness, may I have a name too?"
Chrysalis thought for a moment, tapping her hoof against her adorable fangs.
"Very well, Petunia. Go and help whats-his-name with whatever I told him to do."
Petunia pranced off, delighted by the new name. As he caught up to Chowderhead, the other changeling stopped.
"Hey," he said, pausing a bit. "How the heck do we get out of here?"
It was a grand and glorious struggle, but ultimately the Great and Powerful Trixie was overcome by the tremendous horde of the changeling hive. Actually, they just threw out a piece of peanut butter toast on a string and reeled her in like a mackerel, as she hadn't eaten in days.
Now, trussed up Thanksgiving-style, a piece of peanut butter and dust covered toast in her mouth, Trixie glared, hoping she looked fierce, as her captors took her down, down, down into the catacombs and honeycombs and honeycats that was the changeling hive. She had long ago given up struggling, as the horrible sticky strands of goo that she had been bound in had not only proven too strong for her great and powerful muscles to break, but also constricted more when stretched. So for now, she just had to be content to be carried along while nomming her toasts.
The light underground was dim and green, and seemed to come from the very walls themselves. Glowing veins crisscrossed in between the holes of all shapes and sizes that lined the walls of the cavern. There were almost more holes than not-holes. Knotholes? Trixie was knot impressed.
Her toast finished, Trixie had nothing left to do but bounce along in the hooves of the changelings while staring at the ceiling, which was boring and full of holes, which had possibly been bored. Thus it was a boring boring. Then, all of the sudden, the dark and cramped passageway opened up into a huge lighted room. It was upside-down to Trixie, but she could see that it stretched in both directions quite a distance. No doubt it was beneath a large hillock or a small mountain, since her great and powerful mind had noted their path had taken them underground.
All around the room, changelings buzzed back and forth through giant holes which must have led towards other tunnels. And at the center of the room, suspended by larger ropes of that gooey, sticky stuff, was an ornate throne, wrought in obsidian and hardened changeling spit (it looked like amber), upon which sat a creature the likes of which Trixie had never before seen.
Where the changelings were squat, vaguely pony-shaped bugs or something, this changeling was tall and regal. Her eyes sparkled with an intellect that surely rivaled Trixie's own. Her mane was lush and luxurious, and she had just the cutest, most adorablest face ever, yes she did!
It was love at first sight.
"Holey cheese, did you just fall in love with me?" asked the large changeling.
"Um," said Trixie, blushing. "No."
"No, keep it up," said the creature that was obviously the changelings' leader. "That tastes really good."
Trixie was dumped unceremoniously onto her front at the base of the dais that stretched up to the throne. The throne did not actually touch the dais, being suspended above the floor and all, but any throne worth its salt did not go about un-daised, and so attaining a seat upon the royal chair required a bit of a hop from the top step.
"Trixie is not in love with you!" Trixie shouted, then under her breath added, "B-baka."
"Stranger things have happened," said the changeling leader. "But enough about that. I am Queen Chrysalis of the changeling hive, and I demand to know why you have trespassed on my lands!"
Ah, though Trixie, this is my chance!
Clearing her throat, Trixie wiggled herself into a vaguely upright position. "Witness, O Queen, the Great and Powerful Trixie, mistress of magics, before you! She has come to your land to perform amazing feats that surely no changeling eye has ever witnessed!"
One of Chrysalis's delicately plucked eyebrows raised. "Oh? And what sorts of feats did you have in mind?"
"Watch in awe!" Trixie struggled a bit, before scowling. "Um, would you perhaps mind ungoopifying the Great and Powerful Trixie first? She must use her entire body if she is to properly mystify her audience."
Chrysalis frowned. "This isn't the part where we untie you and you escape from our clutches, is it?"
"Of course not!" Trixie huffed. "Trixie cannot perform if she attempts to escape her spectators, now can she?"
Chrysalis waved a hoof and two changelings unwrapped the sticky goop from Trixie. She immediately wrenched it from their grasp, and Chrysalis stood, fearing the worst. But Trixie was only performing a rope trick with the snot-like strand. She coiled and uncoiled it, then made it disappear in thin air before reappearing around herself and Chrysalis, in the shape of a heart. The changelings applauded politely, though it was hard to tell, since changeling applause is just more buzzing.
Suddenly, the rope pulled tight and Chrysalis and Trixie were nose to nose. Chrysalis felt a warmness bubble up inside her. Their eyes lidded; their mouths parted. Their tongues touched. They were in lesbians.
"This sucks," said Petunia. He and Chowderhead were standing guard outside the door to the royal bedchamber.
"I know," Chowderhead said, agreeing. From inside the room, muffled laughter could be heard.
"Go to all the trouble to get a name, and then you don't even show up in the main plot. I mean, what's the deal with that?"
"I'm gonna get some toast," said one of them. It kind of didn't matter which one.
"And then, and then... And then that whore kicked me out with a wave of magic!" Chrysalis said, hiccupping. "It was love magic too, ugh. Defeated by food, it's stupid!"
Chrysalis's private chambers lurched and turned funny colors. Trixie took another swig from the bottle in her hooves, which helped steady the lurching, except that it didn't help in the least.
"At least you were lucky enough to get a magic hoof in the face!" Trixie slurred. "I got beat by illuzhimications! Stupid Twilight can't turn a mare into a stallion!"
"Oh, I wish she could," Chrysalis murmured.
"Wha?"
"Nothing!" Chrysalis sucked in a breath through her nose, then belched loudly. It lasted a good ten seconds.
Trixie nearly fell off the bed, laughing. "Oh, good one!"
"Thank ya." Chrysalis tossed her hair, then became suddenly dizzy from having moved her head too fast and fell over on top of Trixie, who moaned and rubbed Chrysalis under her arm.
"You are so sexy," Trixie purred.
"I am," Chrysalis agreed. "I'm still mad at dumb Twilight Sparkle, though. 'Cuz she beat me and stuff."
Trixie's hat had been commandeered as a beer cooler, and it was from this that she pulled another bottle, opening it by making her eyes glow until the top popped off.
"I thought somepony else beat you," she said, failing to actually bring the bottle to her lips on the first try. She coughed and sputtered as the sweet, slightly sticky liquid spilled onto her nose.
"What, you mean Princess Nopony Likes Me Amore Credenza?" Chrysalis scoffed, then burped again. "Nah, it was all dumb Twilight's fault. And worse..."
Suddenly, Chrysalis flipped over, causing Trixie to spill her drink right when she'd finally gotten it to her mouth. Chrysalis grasped her earnestly, staring into her eyes.
"Worse," she said, her tone as serious as anything but this story, "she beat me at my own game: the game of love!"
"Whoa!" Trixie said.
Chrysalis drew herself up, placing a hoof upon her chest. "It started long ago, in the pony garden of Eden," she said, sniffing slightly. "When pony Adam said to pony Eve, Bitch, I'm gay."
The Queen of the Changelings flopped onto her back, bouncing on the springy mattress and sending Trixie bouncing as well. The unicorn laughed, kicking her legs like a foal while Chrysalis waved her hooves enigmatically.
"And then eeeeevery pony was gay forever! And they made babies with magic." Propping herself up on one elbow, Chrysalis looked deep into Trixie's eyes. "And you know what?"
"Nuh-uh," Trixie said, nodding.
"Twilight Sparkle is the gayest pony ever."
Trixie frowned. "If that's true, then how come she didn't fall in love with Trixie, huh? That's all Trixie wanted; a little revenge-shaped foreplay and then Twilight Sparkle sweeping her off her hooves. But no!"
Chrysalis scratched at her cheek with one of the creepy holes in her leg. "You know... I could totally be Twilight Sparkle for you, if that's what you wanted..."
Without waiting for a response, she used her zappy green changeling magic to turn into Twilight Sparkle, and looked at Trixie with bedroom eyes and a duck face.
"Well," Trixie said, her eyes never moving from Twilight Chrysalis's butt, "Trixie can do that too!"
Trixie cast an illusion spell, and soon she too looked like Twilight, only wearing Trixie's great and powerful wizard robe!
Twilight looked at Twilight.
"You know what?" she said.
"What?" asked Twilight.
"We should make out."
And so they did. And then they had kind of a slap fight, because they both hated Twilight so much, but that turned into more makeouts and you can probably imagine the rest.
The dumb end.
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Y u do this to me?!
Yo bitch! Funny as fuck!
Man! Your day was not bad it was all destiny so could write this...and make me laught so hard my pencreas explode!!! Seriously its was just SO funny You deserve a thumbs up!
*throw the story over my shoulder* Another!
What did I just read?....
I LIKE IT
Best story ever. Also I want some peanut butter toast.
th06.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/079/6/b/art_by_wripple-d5yqpq5.png
I want moar!
This is so bad, it's good. Got more laughs than I expected.
2321312
You know what you did.
2321730
Another pancreas? I'll see what I can do.
2322624
That image is amazing.
2322858
That fanfic is amazing!
Lyra agree with that
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m78qeb7OaB1qk86t6o1_400.gif
Finally, someone had captured the essences of Trixie shipping.
Oh my god... I cried more than when I read "My Little Dashie".
This... This was beautiful.
THAT WAS LOVE DAMMIT!! LOVE!!
what did i just read
i face hofed soo much 
oh and twilight with twilight! 
This fanfic sucked so hard it rocketed past "bad," shot by "horrible," gave "terrible" the finger, and landed squarely on "ROFL SO AWESOME!!!111"
Kaicalimatimus.Outofmemoryexception has been flagged, unable to continue the reading
BRILLIANT! I feel all woozy inside.
Mildly amusing in a deliberately terrible way.
Read Later!
This was the dumbest story I've ever read...
All I can say now is how much fun it was to read!
PP what did i just read?
I loved it, but i am still confused XD gonna read more of your fic if they're like this XD
2334714
Anything with a random tag is a pretty sure bet if you liked this one. :)
2335995 why thankya kahndly sar.
Ah shall endeavour to read more of yer work in t'future
Finished 'things rainbow dash doesn't like' which also confused the balls off me
And 'Dance 'till we're high' was sweet as pinkie
Time for some lunch -break sprs methinks
Ahahahaha
everything
everything about this is amazing
why did i wait to read this jesus
ANOTHER
2356699
holy fuck where did all these notific--
STONERSHY :|
2359231
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
This was fucked up stuff man, but you did just make two of the hottest characters make out with each other so go You, you crazy bastard.
So much fun.
2475922
Yes, you understand my motives. :3
twilight.ponychan.net/chan/arch/src/131120413498.jpg
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This, this right here is why I love you, present. Don't ever stop being you.
2551850
'k :D
Wish there was more.....
You sir have just made my week^^
3574032
A pleasure. :)
3575517 I'm still laughing about it too^^ lol^^
I have no words. Except for the ones I'm writing right here. But, you know, aside from those.
There should be a sequel where they summon Nightmare Moon for revenge on Twilight but then just wind up being lesbians with her too instead.
3579604
I...
This is in no way a bad idea.
3579604
oh my god I could use Chowderhead and Petunia again you have no idea how much I have wanted to do that I might have to write this
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I think I might be a bad person for having encouraged this.
Also it becomes a trilogy when Sunset Shimmer comes back from the human world in a couple years. Why can't I stop myself from saying these things?
3580964
One step at a time, young padawan.
No but I am totally gonna do this.
The ultimate don't-give-a-shit story. I loved it.
In related news, Pony-Adam and Pony-Eve are now headcanon. I knew there was a reason why every fic ever featured lesbian ponies. Except that one with Twilight's brother and the female alicorn wedding. Fucking deviants.
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Much obliged. :D
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I love this story. Upvote, go!
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Glorious.... Simply glorious.
I think... I think it's safe to say this is the best crack pairing fic I've read in a very long time. And now I can't help but ship it.
Thank you. Thank you for this.
This is great. Your punishment is an adventure Clyde-style review, except with princess cadence, because you hate her. You brought this upon yourself.
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I AM OKAY WITH THIS