While working as Twilight's assistant in the library, Christian meets a unicorn who has ditched magic to work in the field of science. However, This unicorn and Twilight have met in the past and they aren't fond of seeing each other again.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It may be sad to say this to who ever reads this, but the story says incomplete for a reason! Wait until I finish it to dislike or like! How the heck will you know if you like the whole story, if you dislike it at only the first chapter!
2350833
Not to be rude sir, but that isn't an excuse for doing poorly with your first chapter. It is the first chapter's job to attract are attention, and to keep us wanting more of your story. I am sorry, but your first chapter does have some problems...for instance, one of the first things I noticed is how you were saying "2" or "1" instead of "two" or "one", the only exception to use the number keys, is if the number is to big to write out, like 192,192,0192,200,291,029,379,126.
Another thing I noticed is that your story has...quite a lot of dialogue and not enough...description or actions taking place, and for a reader, that can get pretty boring fast if all you give us is banter between your characters. Also, some of your lines dialogue wise are completely unnecessary, like Supernova just saying "Purple", you should refrain from devoting one line to a single word unless it is extremely important.
And now to your Author's note, you shouldn't tell people to just "Deal with it" or "Stop Whining" cause you know what that brings? even more of that, it is not the readers fault if he is giving his opinion about your character and story, criticism is a good thing, and oh boy, do I wish people criticized the crap out of my old stuff. So all I really can tell you, is open up to their criticism, as hurtful as some of them may sound to you, it will help you become a better writer in the end if you keep in mind what they say.
Now, I am no pro reviewer, but I can tell you, this does need some work. So all I can really say is, you may want to have a editor look over this for you and help you out with some of your problems.
Best of luck to you though, and keep writing -Gnomeflame
2352952 Ok! Thanks for the insight! This makes so much more sense!
I like it. Thumbs up.
Ha! The answer to the universe is always 42... hilarious!
Not sure how I feel about Vague not being on Twilight's side 100% but at least he was neutral, so that's just as fine.
And knowing Vague... he'd confess to the cupcake then just make-out with Dash.. I did make him a very weird colt.
So, Supernova is a Portals Scientist? Alright!
3320794 Yup, pretty much!
I think this is one of your best story so far in my opinion, the interaction between Twilight, Chris-Cross and Super Nova was very good. Nova's jerk attitude is a convincing Character to me, to have to get ender Twilight Skin without being completely unlikeable. Chris's attempt at making a new friend that wasn't a character in the show all the wall saying true to his cockiness was fun to see. Twilight on the other hand to my surprises fiend her self in the unusual position of having a grug against en old acutenesses the and is to stubbornness to even consider his advise or his help, for understandable reason whit their back story between them. all in all the story felt very natural compared to your earlier work, which has many interesting elements event for a hie. keep up the good work.
5497889 Wow, thanks so much for the critique!