This story is a sequel to My New Life In Equestria
Matthew Williams, a man who lived a somewhat normal existance, was thrust into an unexpected adventure, that ended in him having not only a new home, but a new life, as well. Happily married with the farmpony Applejack, life was once again retaining a sense of normality (as normal as a human with a pony wife can get). However, things spiral out of control, when Applejack found out that, against all odds, she is pregnant, much to the shock and surprise of everypony. Now, the couple must prepare for the coming birth, which will test not only their relationship, but their sanity as well.
NOTE: Reading of the original story is required.
Chapters (17)
Yesh. It's here.
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yay
YES!
That was fabulous.
Just when I thought things couldn't get any better, my favorite completed HIE story continues on.
Keep it up. I look forward to where this story goes
Um.
Hon, can we just talk about how humans can't have children with equines?
I'm not sure that's something you can handwave with magic. The applied phlebtonium here could raise Atlantis
That... description.
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Okay. HiE is usually something I avoid, but I decided to give this chapter a read-through because you posted it in IJWAC and there weren't any really comprehensive comments so far.
I haven't read the first story, but I'm sure you got some comments in there about "Gary Stu" and all, so I'll skip discussing that. Similarly, on the subject of Applejack conceiving, you're asking for a huge, huge suspension of disbelief with what amounts to a finger-waving. If readers can just accept that, then the story might work. For many, though, the gulf between the species and the lack of a plausible scientific bridge will be grating through the whole text.
Present-tense writing can be hard for the reader, because it tends to push most writers into either a stream-of-consciousness style, or encourages a flat, descriptive style- all 'tell,' no 'show,' and that makes for an unengaging story. There are places where I felt both of those happened, and I found myself skipping through some paragraphs because it wasn't keeping me interested.
Punctuation needs some attention, particularly commas. I see a fair number of commas in odd places. They either break up clauses that don't need to be broken apart, or combine thoughts that should be in separate sentences. I know finding an editor can be hard, so if you can't, I would suggest setting aside a 'finished' chapter for a few days or a week, then printing it out and editing it by hand. You'd be amazed at how many errors will become glaringly obvious when you are looking at a piece of paper instead of a glowing screen.
I cannot emphasize enough: Editing BY HAND, with a pen or pencil, will provide the best opportunity to improve your writing- there is something about the tactile process of flipping pages and putting nib to paper that cannot be matched with a keyboard.
Overall, characterization was not bad, but not inspiring. Although in some places there were some hints of good, complex character-building, many of the characters were just sort of there, and didn't do much. I'm thinking particularly of the scenes where they tell the families- the reactions are almost stereotypical, and I felt that the interaction with Matt's parents didn't add much- almost like it was a checkbox to be filled, because after the two or three mandatory questions, it was over, even though he spent the whole day with them, and then at the end hints to AJ that they're not entirely comfortable with the situation.
Your dialogue is sometimes stilted and does not flow naturally. Good dialogue needs to mesh with both the events and the words of the other characters, and sometimes takes tweaking to get right, or outright abandoment. I've had phrases that I wanted to include, and worked hard to fit in, but eventually had to cut because, while clever, they stuck out as unnatural. A cutesy one-liner is not the hill you want your story to die on, because there'll be another one in the next chapter, and the one after that.
Get your TAC-P to fire up the GLD and call in a GBU on that literary emplacement!Ahem, don't be afraid to be ruthless and cut stuff that just won't work, even if you've spent fifty minutes rephrasing an entire paragraph to make it fit. If your story will be a failure without that one line, then it's already a failure, and you need to go back and rethink it.There were some mis-used words, but nothing major. Again, that's something that a delayed read-through will help, along with a willingness to reduce the verbosity and focus on readability.
Pinkie Pie and parties... I have to admit, I skipped the entire thing. Remember what I said about checkboxes above? Pinkie Pie and parties has become the biggest, fattest, checkiest of them all in MLP, I think. This not to say yours is particularly egregious, but it's a trope that's so overdone I'm tired of reading about Pinkie Pie's parties. It also traps the writer into using only her stereotype. The best stories take the essential characteristics of a person/pony, and then play with them- have them do something unsual, but show WHY they do it. Look below for a fantastic example of a fic that has characters acting in unusual ways without altering their fundamental characteristics.
As an aside, do you know what would be AWESOME? If Pinkie Pie held a quiet, graceful dinner, where all the guests were twitchy because they expected her to pull a crazy stunt, but all she does is drink white zinfandel and try to talk fashion with Rarity, or apple futures with Big Mac/Applejack, or confuse Dash by asking about the difference between dry and wet adiabatic lapse rates. You could build so much tension in a setting like that, you'd need a diamond-coated gang saw to cut it into manageable blocks. Just sayin'.
A similar issue, one that I see in a LOT of fics, is that at times your story feels like it's merely adapted from our world with Ponies pasted over other characters. These are not humans; Equestria is not Earth. The fact that it's so different is why we liked it in the first place, at least in my case. If that's so for you as well, why spend so much time making it the same? Revel in the differences and use it to add creative depth to your story. Faust said Ponies are "humans with the bodies of horses" but just as our behaviors and interactions are influenced by the nature of our bodies, theirs should too.
For humans, a smile can be both friendly and intimidating, and that goes back to our omnivorous roots. Handshakes are rooted in the need to show your fighting hand is empty. Have some fun with this and mix in some equine behaviors to enrichen the world your characters are in. Ear position, tail twitches, hoofstamps, head position: All of them can give clues to the emotional state or thoughts of your characters without having to TELL us. If you want to see how you can add to a story by doing that, look at Xenophilia (NSFW, etc, but I don't think it'll be a big problem, since you have AJ pregnant from a human) and see just what can be done by making your Ponies more pony-ish. In fact, I think it should be a rule: Anyone who wants to write HiE needs to read... well, wait, that might not be such a good idea: "Hey this story is kinda nea-- OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THAT PONY?? THAT'S NOT LEGAL IN THIS STATE!!" Which, of course, ignores the fact that the story is really about the relationships and the differences in culture.
But for a Pony-knocker-upper, it shouldn't be a problem!
There are flashes of brilliance, though. You gave Mac a better part than he usually gets, I liked how you characterized him, though I was expecting some resentment- I think there was a missed opportunity for some light interpersonal conflict there. Your writing smoothed out towards the end, and I didn't notice the present-tense nearly so much.
In particular, I thought the late scene where Applejack gets introspective was very good- that's the kind of conflict and tension that was missing throughout the rest of the chapter, with only the occasional hint that maybe, perhaps, this was going to be less than totally groovy. Totally groovy might be good for personal fantasies, but it's BORING for readers. We like conflict, risk, tension, and setbacks. Some even like defeat and suffering, but not me, in particular.
Oh, fine, maybe light suffering, such as what happens between friends or mild antagonists, but which doesn't result in physical harm, but that's just fun stuff. Pranks.
My final verdict: I don't generally read HiE fics, and the only ones I finish are the exceptional ones. Your story had enough interesting elements to keep me reading to the end of the chapter, at least. Will it be my favorite? No, but that's not important, because I'm not your target audience. For certain, I don't hate it and I won't rip on it just because it's not my ideal Ponyfic. It's different, but sometimes it's good to take a look in the barn when you hear those odd noises. In this case, I'm glad I did, because you've chosen to focus (at least in this chapter) on something other than some kind of "D00dz in Eqwestria, sees a whorse, and buckz her wild" drek. I certainly don't want to discourage you from working on something just because I don't like it... well, there are some cases where I'd want to be able to do that, but yours is not one of them.
What I really hope you are enjoying the process of writing this story, because that's what writing fanfics should really be about: Coming up with an idea, creating a worldspace for it, expanding it, and telling it in a way that's satisfying to you.
Good luck!
Oh hay, look, I found a pic of you reading my comment!!
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A nice introduction to your story, funny that is starts up by having a letter made to Twilight (along with some jokes) and to break the news to the family, it's interesting to see it set off at the time after season 3 with at Twilight as a princess. Good to see that as Applejack is went off to celebrate with her friends with her friends, that Matt went to visit his parents, I wonder if Matt have his own circle of friends that is besides those that are Mares? (Shining Armor notwithstanding)
I wonder what kind of conflicts and obstacles would come to this story, but seeing that it'll be more of a comedy then serious, it won't be much of a main feature I guess. Nonetheless, can't wait to see what happens in this story, and how life continued to everypony since the last month besides AB being a little bit older and The Cake Twins being able to do some talk.
Good start for a sequel, can't wait to see more, keep up the good work.
2323430 As how Discord would say: "What fun is there in making sense?", It is a fantasy world where a a lot shenanigans happens where not much logic is explained, a famous example would be Pinkie Pie and her actions. Anyhow, it was discussed greatly in it's predecessor; then again, I guess it should be brought up again, since there is a chance that there will be those that haven't read it's previous story.
2323978 Yes, Pinkie is rather inexplicable. But it gets by on Rule of Funny. I'm not sure this can get by on Rule of Funny--it's sort of an entire premise.
2323984 True as it maybe, you still have to wonder if its a good example or one exception to the case. I mean let's take a look at other examples: pegasi being able to "fly lazily" where the appearance looks more humanoid in a straight vertical position, ponies and the wildlife being able to consume sugary sweets without having sickness (since to some species it would kill them), receiving injuries (with use of medical equipment) and easily sake of in the next scene, and so on.
My thoughts about having the child between such inter-species relationship would be having half-human and half-pony, since other stories have done that similar concept that doesn't deal with humans, but the idea would be strange so having it as a "pure foal" would be fine for now.
what...
what the fuck.
2323827 I think your comment qualifies as a story itself.
2324532
*shrugs* I get to thinking and writing, and I just roll with it.
Was the "WTF?" also in regards to my response?
2324057
This was something that briefly crossed my mind, but considering MaxBeezyhas decided that the genetic compatibility will not be an issue, I'm going to hope he decides that... well, there's a couple ways to go. The easiest will be that somehow the mother's chromosomes override any from the father when it comes to species-specific traits. Another would be that either the father's or mother's become dominant, so that either a foal or human infant is possible, but without significant mixing of morphology.
Then again, a chimeric offspring may be popular with some readers. *shrugs* It's all up to the author.
2324575 HE SHOULD MAKE IT A DRAGON
No, just no.
I read about this lady who married a dog, but this?
This is were love of the show goes... a little to far.
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2323827 Write a book on your adventures in fimfiction, please. It would be awesome and I'd definitely read it.
2324575 The ending to the first story explained this.
Through Twilight's research, it was concluded that pony genetics are stronger than humans, thus the child that will be born will be a foal.
2324707
*bows* Thank you, sir, you are too kind! I merely range far and wide, and when the inspiration hits, I... well, I say a lot of stuff that makes me go, "Where the hell did that come from??"
But you know, I sorta like fics like this one- not the particular details, or the writing style, or anything, but ones that are a little off-kilter. There's something unusual about the presentation, sort of... I don't know, an assumption that the fic is correct, and everyone reading needs to adjust their atttitudes, rather than the author trying to appeal to the reader.
2324672
Maybe this one does, maybe not, but I think it's interesting on a sociological level- should sentient Ponies be treated as true equals, or should restrictions on the kinds of relationships and interactions be placed? How does that square with prejudice or discrimination against groups of humans?
Shoot, at what level is a culture alien enough that we decide you cannot have truly advised consent in some kinds of relationships? These are fascinating, and really weird, questions. Where'd my Spock ears go?
2324795
Well, like I said- I hadn't read it, but I figured you had something in mind. I also assumed it'd probably be a normal (as far as Equestria goes) foal- that'll be a lot cuter, and avoids sciency questions about gestation and... well, yeah, all that.
People wanted a sequal and yet people complained? Wow, that is so not like the Twilight Alicorn incident....
Me, I actually didn't expect there to be a sequal to the story since I think you said you didn't want to do it. I like this chapter and hope for more. And by more, I mean chapters, not complaints.
2324879 Keep in mind that the complaints are coming from people who haven't read the original, and are commenting on the description.
It doesn't really matter. I'm writing this for the people that liked the original. Also, because I wanted to. You were right, for a while, I thought I was done with it (insert "you should have stayed done" comment here), but I decided to come back because I felt that the story needed to be told. Besides, who doesn't love more injury shenanigans with Matt the human?
Other than the 28 people who clicked "dislike", that is.
2324814 I feel the same way. Making a story stick out from the crowd of stories that is the HiE group is difficult. Incorporating elements (no pun intended) that are different and original help sometimes, other times not so much. I have scrapped several chapters on a story I'm working on, actually. Getting the characters I want situated into the story is proving to be difficult, as well as the main threat. It's always a question of, "How do I reveal it?" that bugs me.
But enough from me, these reviews are great, and it's fantastic to see such detailed and refreshing reviews here on Fimfiction. Thank you.
DAMIT, MAT
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2325125
I certainly, certainly hear you there! I can't say why I'm drawn to make huge comments in some places, but it's partly that I want to treat people the way I hope they'll treat me- honestly, sometimes a little irreverently, but without cruelty or spite. I like the niceness of FiM, and I want to see this place be almost as nice. Arguing can be fun, but I burned out on *chan-style vitriol years ago.
Ah, let me get a chapter of my fun story submitted, and I'll see if I can direct some attention towards your story- I need a break from writing anyway.
This is well written and i like it, but it is a REALLY weird concept.
Yeah part two. time to read this ****
Sounds interesting. I gotta read the first story first though. Just wanted to point out that it would "normality," not "normalcy" in your story description.
MURDER
2324795 Just making sure: So it will be a pony foal and not a centaur foal?
2326123 Pony foal.
Why, j-just why, p-please just kill me.
Please drop the final line of this chapter. I found a "their" where there should have been a "they're." "Hesitance" should be "hesitation."
Other than those obvious ones, a good read, I kinda like it. Let's see where it goes from here.
I'm just going to let this sum up my opinion on this matter.
I wanted to do something of a similar nature to this, but this reception is discouraging to say the least. You're getting down votes off the premise alone, and not what's actually written. It makes me feel like I shouldn't even bother.
2326922 Don't be like that. If it's something you want to do. Do it.
Don't let something like this stop you.
2323827
Just to the Gary Stu comment he is anything but a Gary Stu if anything he started off as Equestria's whipping boy.
It's rare to see an AJxHuman OC story glad that MLP: Motherhood is Magical got me to read this and the fic before it both were and in this case are enjoyable reads
2327036
*shrugs* Well, as I said... I didn't read the first story, and HiE is not really my bag of bolts, so at the time I started I really didn't feel like backtracking just to comment here.
Frankly... and not that Max did this, but as a hypothetical example, when an author insists that you have to read a bunch of background material for a particular chapter to make sense... it's often a sign of weak storytelling. Good writing will show through, no matter how familiar you are with the story or the characters. Max didn't do that, and his chapter made enough sense without having to go back and read an entire other story, so... *shrugs* I dunno. I guess I'm just saying that the story had enough strength to stand on it's own merits, and doesn't need a lot of defense.
I think it's good of you to speak up when you think it's being unfairly judged, but I'm confident that I was not unfair. If I had really thought Gary was poking his head in, I would have stated that outright. To me, there was the potential, but it wasn't played up, so not worth digging into.
Then again, I've dug into it now, but that's probably because I like to hear myself type. These old IBM keyboards are just... so... satisfying!! it's like those old phones from the 40s and 50s, the ones AT&T use to make entirely from raw materials, and you could use as a murder weapon. Seriously, AT&T used to make virtually every component of those phones, even down to the freakin' screws. You could cave a Commie skull in with one, then call for your secretary to bring in a soda and Scotch and a Cuban cigar.
ANYWAY. This chapter of this story was posted in the IJWAC file, so I commented on it. From what I saw of the character here, from the way the relationships all ran, I saw the potential for Gary Stu-ness, but I figured that if it were really present, it would already have been hammered on, and it wasn't worth yammering about.
2326161 O.K., thanks.
Holy cluster down-vote, Batman!
i don't find the words to say it in English so i'll just tell you in french http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFhif72jZoA&feature=youtu.be&t=9m22s
2326262 ok ! if you kill me next 8D....
wait...
In Equestria, Pegasi can move clouds and have the potential to move faster than the speed of sound. Unicorns can use magic to create and control the world around them, and animals can understand basic English.
Yet for some strange reason, getting a MAGICAL pony pregnant with a human is the one thing that THROWS people off their rockers.. . Hence, the most likely reason for so many downvotes.
The story is fine, the writing is fairly decent and the characters haven't exactly done anything OOC, so with that said, I'm upvoting this and for all of those downvoters who think the idea of pregnant ponies from human courting is silly, well. . . .
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why are there never any centaurs?
all in all it was pretty good, ignore the haters.
How could anyone like this?
2323444 Have my children!
YES! A sequel! I am so excited to hear what happens next between Matt and Applejack and the foal! Keep up the good work.
personally i love this story. keep up the good work!
2325125
while yes there are things that are over used in stories. one thing however pinkie pie and parties is one thing you can't change much without breaking her character, however how she holds her parties is another matter. and fresh ideas in for a fic get harder and harder to come by with the more fics that are made.
2325232
and it doesn't help that i'm planning on trying to get 5 chapters done before i submit them.
he a break from writing, i'm still working on my prologue, after an incident with my arm its slowed down since trying to type for any decent period of time made it hurt alot. however one of my 4 followers is getting impatient
2325357
i think ill look at that as a compliment to the author of this story
2326922
, fallow your heart and do what you want. people are not paying your to wrtie fanfics are they?
dude, I read a guide on "how to write an fan fic" after i started writing my prologue. I felt like just deleting what i had done and give up after i read it..... I then decided i don't give a care what people will think and continue on
2326989
my advice exactly!
2327036
if you read the how to write fanfic guide, nearly every story ive read the OC is a gary stu. and many of those stories are popular. I decided not to give a care about gary stus after i noticed that.
2331465
that picture fits nicely!
yes, i went threw and read every single comment!