Ruby Pinch is away for the weekend and Berry Punch is taking the opportunity to get back into the dating game.
Her first major problem will be finding somepony to ask out - although mares outnumber stallions by seven to one in Ponyville, she doesn't know any of her particular orientation.
During her search for love she will meet an irreverent bar owner, Equestria's newest princess and an incredibly bad fanfiction writer called Bon Bon.
She will also discover that there is somepony who has been keeping a close eye on her. Somepony whose motives she may not be able to trust...
Cover picture by Mysticalpha
Chapters (12)
Good, but you should probably throw a Teen tag on instead of an Everybody.
Quite well written...a promising start! I'll be keeping an eye on this one.
2318055
Good spot. It is done.
Yep, I'mma follow this.
So, the identity of this 'secret admirer' is supposed to be a Surprise isn't it? Know what I mean? Aye? Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more, say no more?
On a less silly note, why is this story not popular?
Oh boy. That raised some flags right there. Berry, you've got a wild ride ahead of you.
2402489
I agree. I'm not sure why this doesn't have as many likes as it should. It's refreshing to read a well written fic from the perspective of a fringe character. It brings them more to life to me and shows you how much potential there is out there in the mlp fim universe.
I hope the author doesn't get discouraged by the lack of popularity...sooner or later readers will realize what a gem this story could turn out to be!
2436442
One of my past stories is 130,000 words long and only has 1,500 views. I'm unlikely to be discouraged by low view count at this point. Popularity is down to luck more than anything.
Here, have a Pinkie.
Holy shit. Way to crank the suspense up to 11.
Reaction to chapter 3....[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OT4B-NJUcZE]
Hmmmm....Something screwy is going on around here. Ah....the joy of conflict.
wow that is a sudden change of genre
I can't say I'm not intrigued, though. You've done a good job of setting up a bunch of interesting plot points, I'll be looking forward to watching you resolve them just as well.
At first I was thinking berry was going to be raped then it got worse.
2453110
If anything that bad was going to happen, there'd be a 'mature' tag on the story. And nothing horrible has happened just yet.
Your avatar is looking at me with disapproval.
Well, that certainly explains a lot (although I do wonder what the point of dropping the "I'm not in love with BonBon" misdirection as Lyra was... Somehow another test to identify Pinkie? Changeling secret intelligence is somewhat lacking despite their infiltration abilities.
It's always interesting to see writers' versions of changeling rules and lore, and this story certainly hit upon a unique and clever one with the ties to Nightmare Moon. They're such a predatory species, with powers designed to fool and mentally enslave ponies (and a history that includes kidnapping, assault, mind-control and quite possibly raping, pillaging and murder.). It's a lot to ask for when they come to their prey and say "trust us".
Honestly, I think there would need to be more obvious equality between the species before peaceful coexistence would become likely. Still, I suppose its all about to be put to the test... Looking forward to it!
Mm. I like this. You have a bunch of good and original ideas, and I can tell what you're going for.
But at the same time, it's kind of awkward; the dialogue is pretty dry, with Surprise acting as a device of exposition – interesting exposition, mind you – and then she and Berry making seemingly telegraphed moves to follow some hidden script. The pacing doesn't quite match with the emotional flow, our dramatic revelation and confrontation is put on pause by a history lesson, neither pony appears to actually think about their responses to each other, or put their emotions behind; they're just positing logical continuations.
I'm not quite sure where you're going with this – Berry/Surprise romance seems an obvious route, and I see hints towards that here that could be better emphasized; on the other hand, for a moment I thought it was going to be "Berry has to hook up Twi with a changeling" and I would be all over that.
All that said, this is still a good story that I'm going to continue enjoy reading even if you leave this as is. If you do do any revision, and want some advice feel free to drop me a line (god that's presumptuous, almost-sorry), like I said, I like this a lot and think you have some real potential here.
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You're right about the dialogue, though I do have a semi-excuse for that: Surprise is kinda part of a hive mind (they don't all think alike but they have a shared 1,000-year history) and taking that into consideration, it makes individuality among changelings a bit difficult. She won't be as exposition-y in later chapters.
I also see your point about telegraphing: I think the problem is I came up with a plotline first then just started writing, which means I've had to adapt things on the fly. I've already written chapter five but I'm not happy with it just yet. A bit more editing, though, and I will be,
Having said all that, though, I'll be leaving chapter four as is. I treat fanfiction as a writing exercise - I do my utmost to make it the best I can do, but once it's up, it's up. It's not possible to get things right first time, every time, but it does provide some excellent feedback.
Thanks.
Oh, now that's 32 flavors of interesting. This should be very entertaining to watch.
Why do i get the feeling that all the pent up fear and booze are gonna lead the two to the toilet or Bon Bon and Lyra are gonna buck open the door in some kind of fit... Either way, what a twist! I like it. I saw it coming just didn't see it becoming like this. Keep the chapters coming cause it looks like things are just warming up.
2436442
I know that when I started reading stories here (only a week ago
) I began by finding highly-rated stories that had genres, characters, and pairings that I already liked or was interested in, so maybe the lack of likes/views for this story is for similar reasons? I've become quite ravenous for more and different stories, and I'm glad I did. I really enjoy this so far, including chapter 4, exposition laden though it may be. I'll be reading the rest of angelofrombelow's stuff as well. It might take a little while, given the size of my Read Later list, though.
I'm really enjoying this story!
Update faster?
So... A whirlwind romance inside of a day to save a race from extinction? I suppose there will be no Princess Punch after all... Or things may go a completely different direction.
I don't believe I mentioned it before, but I do love that Surprise was concealing that much of her namesake, and quite appreciated the irony of her not knowing what Pinkie Pie looks like.
I like where this is going.
Wait.
Wait.
I thought Berry already knew this?
Moar.
Okay, so the coming conversation with Twilight just got a lot more awkward. "Hey Twilight, remember when your beloved brother was essentially raped of all emotion? Well, meet your new niece!" Perhaps that's the kind of information to save for a later date. I'm curious as to what Twilight is thinking of the rumors going around about Berry... I know that she's not necessarily an egotistical pony, but I think anyone as empathic as her who tried to let another down gently and then heard that said person immediately went on to get self-destructively drunk would worry that they gave a push that led to such behavior. A less naive and less empathic type might simply think they dodged a bullet by not getting involved with such a train wreck however.
Berry's getting more bombs dropped on her then a war zone. I gotta say, I really like Surprise. She's.....bubbly.
When I started reading I had no idea where the story was going, but I had high hopes- where it's gone so far hasn't disappointed.
Damn, this fic just keeps knockin' me for loops every chapter. I love it.
Nooooo! What have those monsters done with Rarity!? Well, that's certainly going to screw up any building of trust that might have been done. Dash had best go grab Twilight before she's used to mind-control all of Ponyville.
Berry certainly managed to have a wild weekend with her daughter out of town though... Even semi-romanced two Princesses! And maybe doomed one or two races as well.
Oh. Well now, that complicates things quite a bit. Again.
wow this story is amazing so far!
and now im on the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter!
I keep going "yeah i saw that one coming, then oh did not see that one coming... just back and forth.... now im stuck on a cliffhanger...
keep up the amazing work!
...end of part one... thats what im thinking...
ok now this is interesting, i did not see it playing out like this... but it has and it is good!
...or bad for them at least!
my heart is racing at the moment wishing that this was not the end of this chapter! curse you for having a wait time on such a good story!
on the more positive side at least the wait is not... well not for the past chapters at least!
...i did not see any errors either... i must be lazy today... oh well
Keep on writing with a passion that makes you happy!
Holy hostile takeover batman! They really did it.
I've had this on my 'read later' list for ages, so glad I finally got around to giving this a look. I do hope that Berry Punch lands herself a princess in the end after having to put up with so much shit!
My first thought is that I hope poor Rarity's brain isn't too scrambled after having been overwritten by three separate mind-control spells inside of an afternoon. (Unless she happens to be immune to Twilight's spell because of Surprise's efforts as Berry hopefully will be, but it didn't sound like it was likely.)
Poor Berry... This was a pretty shocking turn of events, and I really felt for her helplessness as things went bad and she realized that she had made a mistake that might doom all of ponykind. I really didn't see this turn coming either, and so it definitely makes for a big cliffhanger. Nicely done!
oh dear....hopefully Berry is the world's strongest mom.... Because if she fights for Pinchy.....Crap's gonna go down.
Kudos on a brutal confrontation to close out the chapter. I have to admit, I want payback on the changelings... I can't imagine peace would be easy to achieve.
I hope Surprise wises up and stands for something. Cuz if she doesn't she'll be left with nothing.
Surprise is in love with berry calling it now.
oh how i love this story!
i hope surprise does the right thing.... she may not know love yet but she sure is in love...
Sorry for the delay in getting this up. Real-life stuff got in the way.
Damn cliffhangers! Surprise's really taking a risk here. I just hope she didn't go all in with a pair of two's as her hand.
So, I'm undecided. I have a final chapter in mind but part of me thinks this might be a better ending. Let me know!
I'm also cutting back on the pony. This will be the last multi-chapter story I write, though there may be some one-offs in the future.
Things will probably pick up once series four rolls around.
Leaving it open ended like this might be good but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't like an actual ending that at least ties up the big question, "Did this work?" I'd like some closure. Welp, that's my two cents.
I need more, myself... Especially if you're not going to be writing as much after this. I could see it being left open ended as to whether the ponies voted to live alongside the changelings or not, but this isn't quite satisfying as an end point as it exists. I'd definitely like to see some follow-up between Twilight and Berry, as well as Twilight and her half-sister Surprise. And of course Pinch needs to come home as well.
I'm a bit surprised that they're moving to a vote already... I would think they would want to get to know the changelings a bit before deciding anything in the long term.
I really enjoyed the show-down in this chapter, as things hit the fan and Surprise made her impassioned plea. I also greatly enjoyed seeing Twilight stretch her wings as princess, and get good and angry in the process.
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You're probably right on the voting. I might go back to it and alter the last few lines.
I'll be making a final chapter too. I kinda knew the answer to my own question already - it does need more. My life is just so busy at the moment that it's hard to find time.
I would love to see more of this story.