Sometimes it takes a swift, metaphorical kick to the head to realize that what is painfully obvious.
Twilight has always been a tame, bookish pony who preferred the calmness of an afternoon inside with the story of her choice to the chaos of any kind of party or night out. Unfortunately for the violet pony, her new title and appendages have ruined any chance of keeping her life the way it was. Further complicating things, as Twilight struggles to accept her new life and responsibilities, she comes across a chance encounter with a rip in reality. This sends her tumbling into an strange adventure and realization that, maybe, things change for a reason.
Chapters (2)
"Only one checkpoint in a journey that he couldn't turn away from." I think it is "Only one checkpoint in a journey that she couldn't turn away from."
Oh and It's Applejack, without any space between "Apple" and "Jack".
Beside that, it's a good story so far.
2318629
Thanks, I fix that right away.
I really like it. Very interesting.
Keep up the good work!
2320136
Thank you, I'm working on the second chapter right now (with little Vampire Diaries breaks), it should be done today or, if I get lazy, early tomorrow.
Hay, I just wrote this,
Although I'm la-a-zy,
But, you're already here....
So, comment, maybe?
Well that was rather blunt shipping.
But that's fine. My motto is: "If you can't do it yourself, don't tell others that they can't either." So I'm really not one to talk.
A few gramatical errors.
Some instances where a semicolon would be more appropriate than a comma. For instance
would be "It was easy to miss; the front panel of the drawer was about the size of a gift box for a bracelet." A rule of thumb for you; if you have two complete sentences on both sides of the comma, use a semicolon. Just makes it flow better.
Other than that, I enjoyed it. And in my humble opinion, story/idea matters a lot more than constant perfect grammer.
2328066
Ok, thanks.
Is there anything I could do to improve it?
2329342
The shipping? Well, it just kind of rushed in there. Second time you see RD and she's madly in love with Twilight. If you want to make the ship a major point of the story (which I'm getting a feel you do), you kind of have to gently lead it in. You're introducing your version of the characters to the reader. Here's a comparison.
You just met someone. You talk to them for a few minutes, and they seem nice. But then they dump all of their innermost feelings on you, all of the stuff they have ever been through. You don't know them, you don't really want to know that stuff about them.
The reader just met your Rainbow Dash. Your Rainbow Dash just proffesed a very acute love for Twilight with little build up or explanation as to why she feels this way. The reader needs to know your Rainbow Dash better. Now, romance includes fluff, so build up the background. Cue the flashbacks to times they've spent together, have them spend time in the present together, anything to show the reader a growing bond.
Then proceed with the blatant shipping to your heart's content.
2333067
.
I see.
I'll do my best.
2336206
Good luck! Looking forward to it.
moar?!
burro? or bureau?
i am not complaining or anything .. it just seems strange to have a donkey in the room for no reason ...
good set up so far, interested in where this goes.
2362115
Haha, yah. I had only a vague idea of what that 'drawer-thingie' was called. The names of furniture and their purpose has never been a strong point for me.
Thanks for pointing that out.
2361821>>2361821
Of course. Right now I'm just battling against my procrastinator self. Never fear, my writer self will be victorious!
2333067 this said, it's fine to introduce your character's in media res. You have to develop them later though, and if you are going to introduce these new versions of old characters suddenly, make them do something interesting and likeable early on.
An alright start but these chapters do need a few looks over.
Oooh, looking interesting! I liked the moment when Dash caught Twi, it was D'awwww.
2364365
Thanks, that's what I was hoping for.
She lost her wings already?
That's not good.
I believe you might mean "scene".
Those were the only things that jumped at me on my read through for this chapter. Other than that, it's good. Onwards to chapter two.
...The moon chucked those photons at that window so hard. Through, I believe is the word you are looking for there.
the window.
Missed an o on the end.
Were correct, not are, though I may be being a bit too nit-picky here.
Finally, you shifted tenses a couple times here and there that seemed... off. Overall it isn't too bad, and the plot seems to be going somewhere fun most likely. Though I'm blaming Twilight's sonic book-boom on that key and too much Alicorn magic, cause without some sort of help, she's not out-flying Rainbow Dash on her first lesson. I do however think I'll give a fave so I can track this. Continue well, and you'll get an up-vote too.
I think you can ditch that "hardly". Also, those two "a" should both be an "an".
This one is a little weird. It think that comma is superflous, as is the space between the question and the quotation mark.
Purple pony is singular, so "pony's" would be correct.
Again, singular, so: "Twilight's"
Superflous comma and the "has" should be "had"
Maybe she was some kind of ghost
I think it's "take notice of" and I believe that there should be a comma in front of that "but".
Another unneeded comma.
I think you can spot this one.
an
Just a funny thing I've noticed, you said hoofwriting(that's how it's actually spelled), but Twilight thought of it as hornwriting in her daydream.
This sentence kinda irks me. It's very long and you could easily reconstruct it to flow better.
For example:
"Twilights' spark of curiosity became a flame. She wanted to read the rest of the papers, as well as the stack of books and maybe do some investigating to find out more about 'Solera'. "
Again, this should be easy to spot.
I think "You yourself said that I..." or "You said it yourself that I..." would flow better. The way it is now seems kinda incomplete.
scene
And even if this is a rethorical question, it is still a question. And those need a question mark at the end.
Phew, I hope I got everything.
I do wonder why Celestia keeps Twi confined in Canterlot, but I suppose I'll find out eventually, right?
Hm, I think I'll stop reading here. It's all quite a bit too rushed for my taste, although I hope that I won't forget about this comment tommorow so that I can point out some errors when it isn't past 2am.
Just a note: This isn't about the TwiDash. It has TwiDash but the main focus is how Twilight messes up how the universe works and her adventures in said messed up world. And yes, I am continuing this. I'm just being lazy.
I like it. I don't have an eye for error though, so I have criticism but I really like it. also you used Alicorn Twilight!
2560420
Thanks, glad you liked it. I'm hoping to get the third chaper out this or next week. I've been incredibly lazy though so It'll take some effort on my part.
More?
2607323 O.o So can I expect the next chapter relatively soon considering its been nearly 23 weeks?
3402312
Sorry, yo. I've had a lot on my plate. Also, I don't partially like the act off putting my words on paper. I'll try to update this.
Nice start to the story, waifu. ^_^
Awww. I like this chapter.
5435024
Thanks waifu! Man, It's been months and months and years since I updated this! The beginning is kind of absolutely terrible but I think it evens out into a slightly flowier flow by chapter the second?
5438059 lol. Yeah.
I really enjoyed this story, I know you are on Hiatus, but when you get off I was wondering a couple things: First did Twilight perform a Sonic Rainboom before breaking reality, and if so how will Rainbow Dash react? [I am wondering this because the description before she hit the glass like wall that would be the break in reality, is similar to breaking the sound barrier when it says: "All at once, the tension in front of her vanished, a large explosion thundered behind her and she catapulted forward.") and second is Rainbow Dash going to follow Twilight through the break in reality? (I am wondering this because Rainbow Dash is nearby, and in order for there to be any TwiDash, both would have to be together in the broken part of reality in order for them to actually be together, instead of with a different version of each other that is not the true one for each other). Thank you, and looking forward to the next chapter after you get off hiatus.
6721995
Can I be honest with you? Well, I'm already writing this so you really have no say.
At the time I wrote this story, which was a few years ago I suppose(?), I actually didn't have much an idea where this was going. I was experiencing some pretty awful insomnia and to fill my time, I took up writing again. The story wasn't at all developed prior to my writing it down, I sort of made it up as I went. I wasn't really taking it very seriously. I don't even think I'll finish it. It was just a story I told to myself when I couldn't sleep.
I do remember that I was defiantly going somewhere specific, but not exactly where. There was going to be a part where Twi and Dash were separated, where Dash meets a Lyra and Bon Bon of a different universe and Dash comes to understand her feelings towards Twilight. During this time, Twilight's meeting her other universe self. I don't know, I thought it was a really interesting story at the time, haha.
And no, Twilight didn't preform a sonic rainboom. She...opened a door...or rather broke through it? I don't know. All of it was sort connected, Solera, the key, the breaking of reality(this sounds very silly now that I'm coming back to it), in a Hero's Destiny type thing.
6732723
Hey thanks for telling me, but and this is just an observation, Rainbow Dash already knows what she is feeling, she is just too scared to tell Twilight.
6735000
Yeah haha, I suppose. Anywho thank you for reading my bad writing. I just read through it. So many spelling mistakes. It probably doesn't help that English isn't my first language. I'll use that as my excuse, haha.
This is an interesting start, I wish you had continued it.