• Member Since 6th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 2nd, 2016

The_Swedish_Horror


E

During a visit to the Canterlot archives Twilight Sparkle accidentally spills her cocoa in one of princess Celestia's most valuable books... Follow the epic tale of the desperate pony's plight!

This was originally intended as a one-shot but it grew bigger.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 13 )

I'm going to thumbs this up just for the description.

Edit: Break up the text wall, this is very unattractive.

Wow Twilight, just wow. And to think your the next princess. If this is how you're going to rule Equestria after Celestia then...

...yeah. Equestria is doomed. :pinkiecrazy:

Thanks. I've added some breaks now, just to make it more easy to read.

I like the concept, but much of it seems a bit rushed. It's less funny to say "This happened. Then this happened." We should FEEL Twilight's growing panic, as everything she does gets worse and worse. We should be able to see a description of how things go wrong. Basically, you're telling us what happens, but that's not as funny as showing us. To use an example:

"She held the book over the flame and the hairs went up in smoke. It smelled horrible, but at least nopony would... Then the glue caught fire! The whole book cover erupted in flames!
In panic, Twilight tossed the burning book into the wastebasket, which immediately erupted in flames too!
There was a lot of smoke and fire and Twilight galloped across the room to get the fire extinguisher. She then filled the whole basket with foam and sprayed some of it on the carpet too."

In my opinion, there needs to be more description to add to the humor. You're largely just reciting what happens here. There's only a couple of lines that aren't straight recital of "This is what happened." I'm writing off the cuff, so this won't be as good an example as it could be, but I imagine writing it something like this:

"Carefully, hooves shaking, Twilight moved the book over the flames. Not breathing, she watched as the hairs caught fire and began to burn. Removing the book from the flames, she smiled in triumph, only to notice the book was heating up. Looking at it again, the glue had caught fire and was beginning to spread! She quickly glanced left and right, then began hitting the book with her hooves, but the fire refused to go out. She blew on it, but that was like trying to stop Pinkie going after cupcakes with a piece of string and a prayer.

Looking desperately for any way out of her predicament, she spied a wastebasket. Salvation! Rushing over to it, she tossed the book into the wastebasket, hoping to smother the flames under the book's own weight. The book landed with a thump, and the fire died down. She let out a sigh of relief, only to notice that the entire wastebasket was now catching alight. Twilight swore and ran for the fire extinguisher. Ripping it from the wall with her magic, she levitated it over to the basket as quickly as she could, and let loose.

She immediately began to lose control of the fire extinguisher. Twilight grabbed it with hooves and magic both, forcing the fire extinguisher to stay more or less on target as she dumped the foam into the wastebasket and it's surrounding environment. Finally, the fire extinguisher went out, and she gazed at the results of her work."

This kind of method is more effective than just saying "This happened next." If it's done right, we should feel the suspense and bated breath that Twilight's under in the first paragraph, and wince at Twilight's continual misfortune in the other paragraphs. I probably haven't done that well, but you get the idea.

The idea is good though. If it hadn't been, I wouldn't have bothered to write all this. Best of luck!

Thanks :) Yes, it looks much better that way. I'll try to keep that in mind when I write my next fanfic.

Could you possibly do an other chapter which shows Celestia's reaction?:pinkiehappy:

Hmm... Maybe I could :) Writing about Twilight's plight was quite fun.

This is too adorable not to fave and follow. :rainbowlaugh:

Old women are the most dangerous species on earth.

This escalated very quickly. And it was hilarious the entire time.

Good job. Love the ending.

Was totally not expecting that ending..:trollestia:

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