Synthesis of the Atheist

by BlackRoseRaven

Civilized Social Etiquette

Chapter Twenty: Civilized Social Etiquette
~BlackRoseRaven

“I have this great idea.” Scrivener Blooms held up a hoof, looking awkwardly over at Luna as they stopped in the middle of the busy Canterlot street, earning a moody look from the mare. “Let's go back to Appleloosa in the other world, and uh... look at that fortress again. Or I dunno, let's go to Clockwork World, I bet Thesis is hiding out there, and we can beat some Tyrant Wyrms up or something. That would be much more fun than this.”

“Thou art a grand coward. A grand and utterly tremendous coward.” Luna declared, and Scrivener grumbled and glared at her before the mare sniffed loudly and turned to stride onwards, the stallion following moodily along behind her. “Besides, this is the easy part of the day. The much more difficult part is not until later, aye?”

“Aye.” Scrivener agreed grumpily, and Luna huffed and checked him lightly, making him wince before he checked her firmly back. “Still, that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. And I notice you aren't wearing a dress, darling dearest. I believe that's in violation of the dress code.”

Luna only huffed as they crossed the street, both ponies looking grouchily back and forth as the buildings around them almost sparkled with how posh and polished they looked, everything here beautiful, decadent, rich, and, in Luna's words, stuffy. Then she rose her head primly, her mane swaying backwards to better show off her onyx earrings. “I put on jewelry!”

“Ravishing.” Scrivener deadpanned, then he glowered down at the half-suit he was wearing, which included the stupid white dress jacket he hated so much but hadn't been able to replace yet. Rarity had at least repaired it for him, and added large black patches over the elbows, joking that it would probably help him come across as a real writer to all the culture snobs. But to Scrivener's both amusement and horror, it seemed to actually be having precisely that effect. “Those are Twilight's earrings. You're going to have to give them back once she's reconstituted.”

The sapphire mare huffed a little, then she softened and looked over at the stallion, saying quietly: “I desire to visit her later, Scrivener Blooms. She is in a great deal of pain, can thou feel it?”

“Yeah, I can.” Scrivener said quietly, shaking his head slowly before he smiled a little over at the mare. “And we will. Once all this crap is said and done, we'll go right over, how does that sound?”

Luna nodded firmly in response, and then she grimaced and they halted again in front of massive, white stone building with matching, massive, white paneled double doors guarded by a pair of unicorns in red uniforms. “Is this it?”

“Of course it is.” Scrivener said tiredly, and then he and Luna both looked slowly down at the red carpet leading through an open, wrought-iron archway and up the stairs to the guarded doors. Then both ponies shivered, and the stallion muttered: “We can still run away.”

Luna grumbled under her breath, wanting to agree. They had only returned from Appleloosa a day ago – dragging Vallation with them through the portal, and leaving with only a little fanfare with Appleloosa still celebrating – but the moment they'd returned, Celestia had quickly begun to spread word about what they had found, in spite of Scrivener and Luna's protests. She had also half-pushed them into dealing with their 'minor' issues, although to Scrivener these stupid problems were much more serious than having some kind of Clockwork Pony hunting him down and trying to kill him.

Both ponies glowered at the massive structure: it looked like it could be a courthouse, or a fortress, or a temple sanctuary... but it was something far, far worse to both Luna and Scrivener, as they turned and sighed tiredly, striding along the red carpet.

The uniformed stallions at the doors both looked suspiciously at the ponies: Scrivener was scruffy and his clothes were rumpled, and Luna held herself proudly... but in a different way than most of the rich ponies who came in and out of this particular establishment. Then the stallion said tiredly: “Scrivener Blooms and Luna Brynhild, we have a reservation here with Un... I mean, Mr. Underbrush.”

The two unicorns traded surprised looks, then both shrugged before stepping to either side and bowing their heads courteously, horns glowing and pushing the doors open as one of them said politely: “Then welcome to Restaurant Coure Canterlot. Please enjoy your meal.”

“Oh, we will.” Scrivener intoned wryly, as he and Luna strode into what looked more like the lobby of an expensive hotel than the front foyer of a restaurant. Everything was so white and polished it was almost blinding, and the electric lamps hanging from above shone like miniature suns, making Scrivener grimace when he glanced up. A pony calmly took calls at a desk in the corner, while a mare in a long red dress smiled at them from a podium, nodding to them politely.

They approached her after a moment, and she asked in a too-sweet, too-perky voice: “Do you have a reservation, sir and madam?”

“Uh, yes, we're meeting Mr. Underbrush. I'm Scrivener Blooms, this is my wife, Luna Brynhild.” Scrivener explained awkwardly, and the unicorn mare glanced down at the register in front of her before nodding and levitating two menus out from some hidden shelf in the podium, smiling at them both with something like relief.

“Excellent, please, right this way.” she said in her far-too-happy voice, and Scrivener and Luna traded moody looks as she bounced cheerfully towards an open archway and down a flight of carpeted stairs, following with much less enthusiasm.

They entered a sea of tables and rich ponies that were chatting calmly and slowly eating their tiny, overpriced meals, all of them dressed in expensive clothing and glimmering with jewelry. Luna wondered moodily how much money was in this large, crescent-shaped restaurant at this moment alone, let alone how much must pass through the doors every day... likely more than most banks saw on their average day, she guessed.

And while the normal sitting area was gaudy enough, the hostess led them to an archway guarded by a velvet rope and two enormous ponies dressed in expensive suits. She spoke with one of them quickly, and the stallion nodded before unhooking the rope and pulling it out of the way, gesturing for them to go ahead.

Scrivener and Luna both awkwardly followed the hostess through the archway and up a long set of curving stairs to a single closed door. She knocked on this twice, and then opened it and announced brightly despite the faint hint of anxiety in her eyes: “Mr. Underbrush! Your business associates are here! Shall I have your regular meal brought up, sir?”

“No. Give us fifteen minutes and then we'll order.” Underbrush said moodily, and the hostess nodded quickly, continuing to smile... although as Scrivener and Luna passed onto what they realized was a shielded balcony looking down over the rest of the dining area far below, he noted she was almost sweating despite her perky attitude. “You can go.”

The hostess quickly levitated the menus over to the table, setting them down before bowing and hurriedly leaving, closing the door quietly behind her. Scrivener and Luna stood awkwardly for a moment near the doorway, and then the rich stallion sighed tiredly and gestured at them grouchily.

They approached and sat down at the square table as Scrivener looked back and forth: the balcony was walled-in on either side and a curving ceiling that made the charcoal stallion feel awkwardly like he was sitting in some giant turtle shell. The wall around the edge of the balcony was high, structured so it was much easier to look out than look inside: they were in their own little self-enclosed world here, high above all the other little ponies below.

Scrivener smiled faintly as Luna snorted in amusement, and Underbrush glowered at the sapphire mare as Barry reached up and tugged slowly at his collar. Scrivener gave his agent an almost-sympathetic look as the earth pony grinned weakly, but still didn't dare to speak, fiddling with the cloth napkin in front of him: from the look of the mangled thing, he'd probably been doing it the entire time he'd been here with Underbrush.

“So Barry tells me that you found out what Ersatz wants with you. I don't really understand why you made me wait so long to tell me, Scrivener Blooms, but I suppose that was your choice... it's your career that's on the table, after all.” Underbrush said icily, looking moodily over at Scrivener, and the charcoal stallion looked awkwardly back before the publisher frowned. “Well?”

“Uh... yes, I did. And I'm not sure whether you're going to like the reason or not.” Scrivener reached up and awkwardly adjusted his tie, then he looked slowly over Underbrush before asking impulsively: “Shouldn't we eat first?”

“No.” Underbrush said moodily, and then he frowned and sat back, eyes narrowing as he added sourly: “If this has all been some half-assed ruse to try and buy yourself more time, and if you are lying to me in any way, shape or form, Scrivener Blooms, I will have you and your wife escorted out of here.”

“Ooh, thou threatens us with walking! I am terrified!” Luna snapped, and when Barry squeaked and covered his muzzle, the mare blinked in surprise and looked over at him curiously. “And where did thou come from? Hast thou been here the whole time, I did not even see thee there at first. Thy cowardice seems to be so powerful it granted thee invisibility.”

Barry glared at her, and then Scrivener held up a hoof and cleared his throat before he finally said awkwardly: “Ersatz uh... well... Ersatz Major, it turns out, is my cousin. And she wants revenge on me for something she... claims I'm responsible for.”

Scrivener halted lamely, trying to figure out how he could explain things without having to go into too much detail as Underbrush studied him warily, tenting his hooves together in front of him. Barry, meanwhile, was gaping wordlessly, mouth working slowly as he tried to register what Scrivener had just said.

Then the publisher closed his eyes and bowed his head forwards, muttering in disgust: “Filthy unicorn whore. Of course, you're a slave hoof, so-”

“No, that's not it at all! Don't... don't... talk about her like that. Please.” Scrivener's voice went from sharp to lame and almost-embarrassed, as Underbrush looked at him incredulously. “I just mean... I know... what it seems like, but... it's... not. She's not a bad pony.”

“Yes she is.” Underbrush said moodily, and when Scrivener winced a little, the earth pony shook his head in disgust and muttered: “I have plenty of my own experiences with her, Scrivener Blooms. Oh, I fell for her sob story too... I assume she showed you, didn't she? Told you how it happened?”

“Her horn?” Scrivener asked quietly, and Underbrush nodded moodily, the charcoal stallion shifting uncomfortably at how bitter the publisher looked. “Yeah. She told me a lot of things-”

“Lies. She's a liar, Scrivener Blooms. I see she's got you hooked somehow with this idea she's your 'cousin,' but the only reason I believe that is because I see that providing more than enough reason for her to make your life hell. That, and the fact you're my new pet writer, of course.” Underbrush muttered, glaring out into the dining area, and Scrivener didn't even know how to respond to this as Luna gritted her teeth and did her best to stop herself from lashing out at the publisher.

There was silence for a few minutes, and then Scrivener finally ventured: “Look, I'm... I've got a meeting with her today. We're going to talk to her in a nice, quiet place, and see if we can sort things out. I think she's willing to listen to what I have to say at least...”

“God you're naïve and pathetic.” Underbrush said disgustedly, and he sat back with a glare, slamming a hoof on the table as he snapped: “I bet you want us to forgive and forget about the past, too, everything their kind did and is responsible for, right? Just let bygones be bygones, let them even celebrate how 'superior' they are, right? You make me sick, you know that? You're a splinter-searcher. You're a polish-pusher. You're not an earth pony, you're a clay pony.”

The charcoal stallion shook his head slowly in response as he reached up and squeezed Luna's shoulder, imploring her silently to calm down even as she snarled in fury, and then Barry rose a hoof and asked lamely: “Uh, guys, what are we talking about? What's a-”

“Shut up, idlehoof.” Underbrush muttered, and then he looked up in surprise as Scrivener stood suddenly up and glared across the table at him.

“Don't call him that! That's as bad as slave hoof, you... you stupid son of a bitch!” Scrivener retorted before he could stop himself, and when Underbrush looked up at him with shock and Barry's jaw fell open in a gape, Scrivener figured the damage was already done, so he continued disgustedly: “Come on, look at yourself, you're using unicorn words, throwing all your weight around, acting just like them... yeah, I've met some pretty crappy unicorns but Horses of Heaven you're acting just like... like goddamn Bramblethorn!”

The snarl that spread across Underbrush's face told Scrivener Blooms he may have just pressed a wrong button, as even Luna winced, and then the publisher leapt out of his chair before shouting in fury as he grabbed the furnishing and flung it off the balcony. There were a few cries of surprise from below as Barry hit the deck, covering his head, and Scrivener and Luna only stared in horror.

Underbrush slowly composed himself, then moodily turned and strode to the edge of the balcony, glancing down and raising a hoof grouchily to gesture at someone. Then he turned around, his eyes drawing back to Scrivener before he said distastefully: “I didn't hit anyone.”

“Better luck next time.” Luna replied drolly, and then the sapphire mare traded a moody look with her husband. “Well, this has been... pleasant... but I believe 'tis time for us to leave.”

“Not yet.” Underbrush gestured moodily at the table. “You've fulfilled your end of the agreement. Let's have lunch and talk about where we go from here, what you want printed. We have some finer details to work out.”

Scrivener stared in disbelief, but before he could ask anything, there was a knock at the door, and then the hostess opened it with a blush, saying hurriedly: “I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but we were just... returning your chair, sorry again, sir...”

Underbrush only grunted as a large, burly stallion entered and carefully put down what was clearly a brand new seat at the table, cushioned, comfy, and likely hoof-carved. He set this down, politely waited for Underbrush to wave him away, and then the publisher said dryly as the hostess started to turn: “Wait. You can take our orders now. I want my usual, fix the little pony the house special and a red salad, and my guests will have...”

Underbrush half-pointed at them, studying them both meditatively before saying slowly: “The black bass fillet. Side order of crab bisque for Scrivener Blooms and zucchini sticks for the lady. Bring up a pot of coffee while the meal's being made.”

“Yes sir, right away, thank you!” The hostess hurriedly picked up their unused menus as her horn glowed, and then she quickly excused herself and quietly closed the door as Luna and Scrivener both looked sourly over at the publisher.

He only sat himself down with a grunt, ignoring them as Barry nervously poked his head up over the edge of the table, and then Luna muttered: “Well, at least he got the fish right... I did not even know they served fish here. Then again, I suppose 'tis not a regular order, is it?”

“Nibelung Architects like to come here sometimes. Some of them have a lot of money to throw around, and the ponies here try to provide for their tastes.” Underbrush replied dryly, and then he met Scrivener's moody gaze, asking sharply: “What? Not good enough for you?”

“I can't tell if you complimented or insulted me by ordering the bisque.” Scrivener said finally, and Underbrush grunted as Luna and Barry both glanced at him curiously, and the stallion smiled and shook his head a little. “It's a soup. Traditional slave hoof stuff.”

“You have to eat what you can find. I guess you understand that.” Underbrush muttered, and when Scrivener began to open his mouth, he gestured sharply with his head and clicked his tongue, and Scrivener winced and then cursed himself even as he fell silent.

Luna, however, stared with disbelief at what Underbrush had just done, then she leapt to her hooves with a roar and seized the table by the underside, flipping it violently over. Unfortunately, Barry was sitting across from her, and the stallion screeched as the heavy furnishing smashed into him and knocked him sprawling before landing with a loud crash on top of him, the sapphire mare wincing and awkwardly holding up a hoof as Underbrush only moodily laced his hooves in his lap, looking unperturbed.

“Help me.” Barry whimpered, weakly flailing a hoof out from beneath the table, and Scrivener Blooms sighed tiredly as Luna cleared her throat before her horn glowed, carefully resetting the furnishing. Scrivener slipped off his seat to awkwardly help Barry to his hooves, the lanky stallion rubbing weakly at his head as he mumbled: “We just went past the point where all this was ever worth it in the first place. Oh Horses of Heaven, this is a madhouse.”

“There'll be more money. There's always more money.” Underbrush said, and he sounded almost exasperated as he shook his head slowly. Scrivener and Barry apprehensively returned to their seats as Luna tapped a hoof slowly against the wooden table.

The stallion awkwardly looked towards the fallen tablecloth, but then his attention was drawn by Luna as she asked moodily: “So why perchance art thou being so generous to us, Underbrush, when clearly we all hate each other?”

“I don't hate... okay, I'll just stay quiet.” Barry said lamely, shrinking down in his seat when he received glares from Underbrush and Luna, the lanky stallion rubbing slowly at a large bump forming on his head from where the table had hit him.

The mare grunted in agreement, and then Underbrush said dismissively: “So what? Emotions have no place in business. I work with plenty of unicorns, and most of them, like Mr. Tops, I would very happily bury them up to their necks in ice and leave them to die. But they're adequate business partners with deep pockets.”

“You are such a troubled bastard.” Scrivener said in an almost marveling voice, and Underbrush looked at him sourly before the charcoal stallion hesitated, then asked finally: “So you're saying that basically... you're going to honor your end of the deal no matter what, is that it?”

“As long as you come through on what you promised me, yes. And you apparently did. But I want you to report to me about what Ersatz talks to you about, if it's relevant to my business.” Underbrush replied coldly, and then he pointed at Scrivener Blooms. “And if you utter so much as one word to her about my affairs or the state of my company, all deals are off and I will see to it personally that every single book you've ever written is burned, and you never so much as touch a quill again.”

“Oh, aren't thou just the big bad bully?” Luna said sourly, and Underbrush glared at her before there was a knock at the door, and the four ponies all sat back as the hostess entered with a smile and bowed her head politely, gesturing hurriedly so several ponies could quickly stride into the room.

Mugs were distributed, coffee was poured, and a full carafe was left behind, along with a tray loaded down with packets of sugar, different kinds of cream, sweeteners and syrups and every other thing imaginable that could be mixed into coffee. Scrivener couldn't help but notice that the restaurant staff didn't just pour coffee for Underbrush, they mixed it for him too, before leaving... and the charcoal stallion couldn't help but say: “You must terrify them.”

“I terrify everyone with the brains to be scared.” Underbrush muttered, then he reached into his dress jacket and extracted a large flask, unhurriedly opening this and pouring a dollop of amber substance into the mug. Then he looked calmly across at Scrivener before picking up his mug of coffee in his free hoof, saying sourly as he rose it high: “To the unicorns, may they inbreed in their miserable chunk of Equestria forever.”

With that, Underbrush brought the flask to his mouth and took a few long drinks from it, putting down the mug of laced coffee, and Barry simply stared as Luna remarked meditatively: “I cannot decide if I utterly hate thee or find thee most amusing.”

Underbrush laughed harshly at this, then he screwed the cap back on his flask before tucking it away, saying sourly: “Well don't worry, everypony always tells me I'm a bastard and a mean drunk. Now let's get down to business, the sooner we're done, the sooner we can all leave.”

Scrivener muttered under his breath, then he sighed a little and said finally: “I want to see Rose Thorns reprinted. Apart from I Am, You Are, that's the only thing I've ever been proud of, pretty much... ever.”

“Fine, done. I'll announce it and have fifteen thousand copies run off to test the waters. I'll sell them as limited editions with autographed prints of you. If they sell out quickly – and if you manage to maintain even ten percent of your fan base even after they take a look at your book, they will – then I'll have fifty thousand standard editions printed and shipped worldwide. Maybe seventy if I'm feeling generous.” Underbrush said dismissively, then asked: “Twenty percent fair for your advance, on the assumption the orders for the limited editions will sell out?”

Barry's mouth worked in disbelief as Scrivener stared blankly, and Luna looked at the two curiously before the agent finally spluttered: “That's... that's all very generous, sir, I mean... you really-”

“Shut up.” Underbrush gave Barry an icy look, and the agent shrank slowly down in his seat before the publisher picked up his coffee and drank from it slowly, his eyes moodily surveying Scrivener Blooms. “I'm going ahead on the assumption of 'yes.' We also have the matter of other promotions to discuss. To me, you are no longer a 'free writer,' you are an employee, and I am going to treat you as such.”

“Well, uh, okay 'boss,' but you know I'm kind of busy fighting monsters and stuff most of the time, yes? I'd be really happy to introduce you to some of them if you wanted, though, maybe we can work out a timetable that works for all of us.” Scrivener said dryly, gesturing back and forth with his hooves. “You know, Thesis on Tuesday, Valthrudnir gets the middle of the week and weekends, and you can have the rest of the days in the afternoon while-”

Underbrush dropped his face in a hoof, and Barry stared desperately at the charcoal stallion, but Luna only grinned and tilted her head pointedly towards the charcoal stallion. Thankfully, they were all saved a moment later by a knock at the door, before the hostess opened it and announced in her too-perky voice: “Lunch is served!”

The meals laid out on the table, with the exception of Barry's, were nothing like the tiny ones downstairs: Scrivener and Luna both had generous proportions of battered and cooked fish dripping with tartar sauce, and they served not just a bowl of bisque but set up a heated kettle pot filled to the brim with the same thick soup. Luna had an enormous pile of zucchini sticks that she poked at curiously on a side plate, and they had brought her a leafy salad of some kind, apparently with the compliments of the chef.

Underbrush had a massive meal, which didn't surprise Scrivener in the slightest: whatever else, he was clearly obsessed with escaping his old life, and yet all the same the charcoal stallion noted that his fare was a mix of rich pastries and traditional earth pony foods. He thought about pointing it out for a moment, but then decided it would be a much better idea to not push his luck with things.

Barry, on the other hoof, had a tiny little salad and a tiny little pasta dish of some kind, which he poked at miserably as the hostess and waiters left. Scrivener couldn't help but smile despite himself as Underbrush quickly began to eat, and then the charcoal stallion said mildly: “I'll share some of my bisque with you, assuming it's edible.”

The lanky agent smiled lamely, looking surprised as Luna rolled her eyes, but then sighed as she picked up a zucchini stick from the pile, adding: “And I suppose thou may have some of these...” She paused, tossing one into her mouth and chewing slowly before her eyes widened in surprise, and then she grabbed at the plate and yanked it away when Barry began to reach a hoof towards it, glaring at him. “I have changed my mind!”

“Oh come on!” Barry groaned, and then he sighed tiredly and slumped back in his seat as Scrivener laughed and shook his head while Luna greedily shoved more of the food into her mouth.

The stallion was surprised to find the bisque was delicious, as was the fish: he wondered if they had some special cook on staff for Underbrush's clearly peculiar tastes and maybe a few of the other rich eccentrics they likely reserved these private balcony rooms out to. And once Scrivener had eaten his fill, he pulled the lid off the kettle pot and pushed it over to Barry, saying mildly: “Go ahead.”

Barry nervously stirred it with his spoon, then took a sip before his eyes widened, looking surprised as he glanced back and forth. “But wait, this... I mean, this is made with...”

“You don't get to pick and choose what you eat up north, if you're a slave hoof. So you learn to make the best of whatever's around... no, you make it better than that. You figure out how to make it better than the food you're forced to learn how to cook for the unicorns, because if you can find a way to have something the unicorns don't no matter how much they push and shove at you, how hard they try to take everything away... then you win and they lose. You escape, even if it's just for a little while.” Underbrush muttered, looking down and nodding slowly, and Barry looked at him curiously as Scrivener smiled a little.

Then the publisher glanced up and shrugged. “That's what food was to a lot of us. Our meals were little, and we had to scavenge for them, but they represented some of the only freedom we could make for ourselves. But all we could ever find, and all we were ever given, was the rot, the castoff, the crap. So we learned to take all the traditional meals passed down from our parents, and adapt the recipe to the ingredients. To make the worst into the best.”

“I'm surprised you didn't decide to be a chef or own your own restaurant.” Scrivener said softly, sitting back a bit, and Underbrush only snorted and shook his head, giving his own wry smile.

“Why? Food was freedom, but it was still something we could have. What no slave hoof was ever allowed to study was the arts. Literature and all that was the realm of the unicorns, just like you know yourself.” Underbrush replied moodily, then he looked away and muttered: “Too bad there's a difference between being smart and being cunning. It's always been easy to take from the unicorns, though... they're all so high and mighty they don't think any slave hoof could even dare to think of taking from them.”

There was silence for a few moments before Barry's eyes slowly widened as he finally put two and two together, but before he could say anything stupid, Luna asked moodily: “And what of me, Shrub? Or am I also some great and terrible instrument of the unicorns?”

“I don't know what you are. And I don't really care.” Underbrush replied moodily, and then he took a deep drink of his coffee before adding quietly: “Still, you're no unicorn, no, but that doesn't make you a mudwalker, either.”

Scrivener sighed a little, and then he hesitated for a moment before looking up and asking: “You know, if you could maybe tell us a little about why you hate Ersatz, and why you say Ersatz hates you, maybe it would... help.”

The publisher hesitated... but either the meal or the alcohol had put him in better spirits, and so he only sighed and nodded after a moment in agreement, putting the mug down before saying simply: “She and I were involved, romantically. I thought she was different, because of her horn and her little sob story. After she leeched enough off me to set herself up nicely and I got a job for her at Rogues And Studs, she wrote a nasty article about me and I threw her out. I hate her, and she hates me, and that's why she's going after you, Scrivener Blooms.”

“Aren't you a little old for her?” Barry blurted, and Underbrush turned a soul-crushing glare on the lanky stallion, who whimpered and hurriedly shrank behind the table.

Scrivener leaned back in surprise, then traded a look with Luna, emotions twisting back and forth between them before the stallion nodded slowly: Ersatz hadn't so much as mentioned Underbrush, and both ponies were sure she hadn't been lying about her reasons for going after Scrivener. Still, it was something to ask her about.

Of course, it wasn't impossible to imagine that even miss big bad unicorn had other reasons for dumping Underbrush, whether he was incredibly rich and influential or not: he had a temper, a lot of baggage, and was a control freak. And now he was looking sourly at Scrivener and Luna as they looked awkwardly back, before he said irritably: “Yes, I own Rogues And Studs. It's good to diversify, and hostility and parody are sometimes very useful tools to drive up an object's market value.”

“Wow, you're a scary person.” Scrivener said finally, and Underbrush only shrugged moodily as he sipped slowly at his coffee: since he had poured himself a fresh cup and this didn't have alcohol in it, Scrivener figured it was probably the meal that had calmed the publisher down. But he thought of how even after all these years, he himself still associated certain things with what he learned from the past: that click and gesture, for example, that Underbrush used far too effectively to shut him up.

“Perhaps now Scrivener and I should leave. But thou hast been most kind and generous with thy... hospitality.” Luna said finally, and Barry nodded vigorously a few times as he stumbled up to his hooves. Underbrush only looked at the three of them moodily from where he sat, and Luna sighed before asking sourly: “Are we not even worthy of a goodbye, oh king amongst earth ponies?”

Underbrush closed his eyes and rubbed at his face, and Barry gave a strangled laugh before he grinned forcefully and threw a foreleg around both Scrivener and Luna, saying hurriedly: “What the girl-champ means is uh... thanks for everything! You've been amazing, my office will get in contact with your office right away, uh... I mean, I mean, as soon as you're ready to get in contact with us, sir, it's not like I'm rushing or anything to have anything filed out, as it was this is very-”

“Go.” Underbrush ordered simply, and Barry nodded hurriedly before he spun around and yanked the door open. He almost fell down the stairs, then managed to skid around and stuck his head back into the room, whining in his throat as he looked pleadingly up at the two ponies still standing at the doorway.

Scrivener hesitated, then he strode over to Underbrush and looked down at him as the earth pony looked back up moodily, and the charcoal stallion said after a moment: “Thank you. I appreciate it. So... so here's a word of advice, too. No matter how many times you beat them, no matter how powerful you become, if you can't just... leave things behind, Underbrush... the unicorns win.”

“Just get out.” Underbrush said moodily, looking away, and Scrivener shrugged before awkwardly patting the stallion's shoulder, then he turned and headed over to Luna, who gave the charcoal stallion a faint smile as she shook her head slowly.

The three ponies made their way downstairs, past the stoic guards, and out into the foyer. The hostess immediately ran in front of them with her big smile and her bright but worried eyes, asking hurriedly: “Was everything in order, sir and madam? All up to par? Can I get you anything before you leave?”

“A cake! No, a pie!” Luna declared, then she reached up and covered Scrivener's mouth before he could say anything. “Two blueberry pies would be most delightful, serving wench, and would make me remember this restaurant with great fondness.”

The hostess forced a laugh, then she said awkwardly: “Of course. Excuse me, for just one moment.”

The mare quickly sidestepped them and hurried away, and Luna looked curiously over her shoulder before Scrivener carefully pushed her hoof away from his mouth and said sourly: “Did you have to do that?”

“Well, didst thou have to be so nice to the wretch? And why am I not permitted to throw furniture when Underbrush did?” Luna asked grumpily, and Scrivener sighed and gestured moodily to Barry, who shrank his head lamely and rubbed awkwardly at the large bump on his skull. “Oh. Yes. Would thou like me to kiss it better, Barry?”

Barry stared up at her, then he grinned lamely, and the sapphire mare looked down at him flatly before she groaned and rolled her eyes when he whimpered and blushed, dropping his gaze. “Pathetic. Thou art pathetic. Thou art less than a mare, thou art a filly. A filly.”

Then Luna grumbled and leaned down, kissing the bruised portion of the lanky stallion's skull, and Barry's eyes widened as the mare straightened and sniffed disdainfully, licking her lips slowly. “He tastes of strawberries, Scrivener. Not even thou tastes of strawberries.”

She paused, then slowly grinned and leaned towards him, and Scrivener winced and leaned away before Barry thankfully interrupted them by asking awkwardly: “So guys, what does... idle-hoof mean?”

“Idlehooves are earth ponies who come from families that were never enslaved.” Scrivener answered after carefully pushing Luna's face away from his own, before he winced when she leaned up and bit his ear, chewing on it slowly. Barry stared in disbelief up at this, but Scrivener only continued to explain calmly, as if everything going on was perfectly normal: “See, the one kind of pony hated more than unicorns in the north by a lot of us slave hooves are earth ponies born into good, decent families. Well, it's not hatred, it's... envy that just feels like hatred. It's hard to explain: it's that feeling you get when you see someone who has something wonderful, and all you have are a few scraps, and you know that it was just the luck of the draw... but you can't help but want to hurt them anyway. It's not fair, but... you know. It's just... how things are.”

Barry nodded slowly, and then Luna looked up brightly as she caught sight of the hostess coming back in the corner of her eye with a large box floating beside her, Scrivener's ear popping out of her mouth as she turned to face the unicorn mare, who gave a perky smile as she said in her too-positive voice: “Here you go, ma'am, and on the house of course! Please come back to Restaurant Coure Canterlot any time, we'll be all too happy to have your company!”

“Yes. Yes, we shall indeed.” Luna took the cardboard box in her own telekinetic grip, looking pleased as she nodded firmly before turning and striding quickly towards the door. Scrivener and Barry both followed as the larger charcoal stallion smiled wryly and shook his head slowly, and Luna only grinned over her shoulder. “Oh shut up, Scrivy, thou art just jealous thou did not think to ask for anything.”

The doors were pulled open for them as they approached, and Luna gave a pleased smile at this as they strode out and down onto the street, before both she and Scrivener glanced in surprise at Barry as he asked: “So champ, girl-champ, where to?”

“Well, my little agent, Luna and I are going to meet Ersatz Major. You can uh... just. Run along.” Scrivener said after a moment, and Barry's face fell a little as he looked lamely up at the larger stallion, who looked awkwardly back before Luna cleared her throat pointedly. Scrivener glared at her, but she leaned aggressively forwards and growled, and their eyes met even as they continued to argue more with gestures than thoughts or words.

Barry slowly held up a hoof, but before he could say anything, Scrivener finally groaned before looking moodily down at the stallion. “Barry, in three days, there's going to be a small party in Subterra at a friend's estate. Luna's insisting that we invite you along.”

“I... I don't know... are we talking about demons and stuff? Because you know demons and stuff make me nervous.” Barry said lamely, and then he winced as Luna leaned in with a wink.

“There will be many mares there. And many pretty Lust demons. And I am sure our good friend would adore meeting thee, he is very fond of mortals and their customs.” Luna said positively, and Barry shifted uneasily back and forth before the sapphire winged unicorn winked again. “I shall even ensure thou gets a proper date to take thee to the party. A gorgeous mare, as a matter of fact.”

“I... no tricks? I'm not gonna end up with like... your ugly cousin with the great personality or something, right?” Barry asked hesitantly, shifting from hoof-to-hoof anxiously, and Luna grinned widely at this.

“As if I could have an ugly cousin.” Luna replied pompously, tilting her head back with a smile before she gazed encouragingly down at the stallion. “Nay, fear not, Barry. The mare I have in mind would be perfect for thee for a night, and thou has my guarantee that when thou looks upon her, 'twill most certainly be lust for her gorgeous form that makes thee weak, not dread of her ugliness.”

Scrivener slapped his forehead, and Barry hesitated for a moment later as he gave a low whining sound in his throat... then he finally nodded violently, bursting out: “Okay!”

“Excellent! Now, off with thou, Barry, I am tasking unto thee two things: one, find a suit that does not make thee look like a wretched merchant, and two, buy her a gift of jewelry, either a necklace or a set of earrings. It need not be anything expensive, but do not think thou can get away with buying her glass, 'tis better to do without than insult a mare with lies.” Luna said quickly, pushing Barry down the street, and the lanky stallion began to splutter before the winged unicorn slapped his rear firmly and exclaimed: “Go, go, thou hast but days to look thy very best!”

“Y-Yep, going, going now!” Barry broke into a run down the street, looking almost frantic, and Luna grinned at his back as Scrivener slowly walked up beside the mare and just looked at her pointedly.

Finally, Luna could no longer ignore him, turning her own mild look back at Scrivener in reply, and the stallion asked dryly: “Did you seriously just do what I think you did?”

“Oh shut up, Scrivener Blooms. Aphrodisia will show Barry a fine time.” Luna argued, and the stallion groaned before the mare brushed past him, and he turned with a mumble to follow after her, the two striding down the street as Luna continued: “Barry is harmless, after all, and Aphrodisia could use such... gentle contact. They will be good for each other, I believe.”

“I think she's like, literally half Barry's age. I think that might freak him out even if Aphrodisia doesn't really understand that kind of thing. I also think it may or may not make it illegal, I forget whether she's... adult age or not.” Scrivener paused, then he looked up and muttered as Luna glanced at him thoughtfully: “Okay, Antares is... twenty three, and Apps is... six years younger than Avalon, who was born... half a year or so after Antares? Yeah, I think that means she's only sixteen or seventeen. Barry's probably got a decade or so on her.”

“I think so. I do not understand dates any better than thou does though, Scrivener Blooms.” She paused, then brightened a little and nudged him lightly. “I know! Thou should write a poem about them! 'Twould be very nice and thou could include their birthdays so we would no longer have to scramble like fools when the day rolls around to get a proper gift.”

Scrivener grunted at this, thinking it over for a moment before he said mildly: “I could just make a chart, too. That might be better in this case, Luna.”

“Oh, thou art no fun at all, Scrivy. None.” Luna grumbled, shouldering him lightly, and he bumped back against her before she buried her face against his neck and smiled a little, making the stallion soften as he gazed affectionately at her as the box of pies continued to float quietly along on her other side.

He gestured to this, and she only huffed softly, murmuring against him: “No, thou may not have my pies, poet. I love thee, fiercely, truly, deeply... but I love these pies far more. Thou may not lay a hoof upon them.”

The charcoal stallion gave her an amused look, and then the two looked ahead as they continued to stride slowly through the busy street of Canterlot's richer quarter. Thoughts and images passed quietly between them, of pleasant memories both recent and old, but eventually Luna felt the shift in Scrivener's mind, as different thoughts began to twist quietly through his brain.

Luna straightened a bit, nudging him gently as they walked along, and the stallion smiled over at her... although it was a more muted expression now, tinged with nervousness as he asked quietly: “So do you think that... she's really going to be waiting there for us?”

“I could almost say that thou art eager to meet with her.” Luna remarked, and then she glanced up at the sky before nodding thoughtfully. “But aye. I believe that she will be. Perhaps not just because of us, though, I imagine the foul harpy has other reasons to den in this aerie.”

“Luna.” Scrivener said mildly, and the sapphire mare grumbled a little even as she nodded moodily in agreement, before she buried her face against the side of his neck quietly again. Scrivener closed his eyes, and then he smiled a little as they turned down a side street, continuing into a section of the city that maintained its elegance, but was far less expensive, less decadent and glitzy.

Ersatz had told them to show up any time in the afternoon in her letter, so they had decided that after seeing Underbrush would be as good a time as any. And right now, Scrivener was feeling... fairly calm. After all, despite Underbrush's temper, everything had worked out quite well at the end of the day, and the stallion was in a rare positive mood.

He wanted things to go well with Ersatz, and so did Luna, even if she'd never admit it: to her it was maybe even more fascinating than to Scrivener that he had family still alive, after all. Luna could only imagine what it was like to have normal family... things like cousins, and parents, and grandparents. To her, it held a strange, wonderful piquancy.

Scrivener, on the other hoof, was enthralled because Ersatz... wasn't at all what he'd expected to find in any family. Sure, he'd known that Tia Belle hadn't been an only child, but he'd never met any of his grandparents... or at least, never thought he had. Hell, he'd never really been introduced to any of his uncles, and he thought that if Ersatz really had been that filly he recalled, then she was probably the only cousin of his he'd ever seen.

He had all kinds of questions, and he felt... she had made him feel so guilty. Even now, he felt guilty, even though he knew and Luna knew and everypony kept telling him it wasn't his fault. But Ersatz had homed right in on a stress point for him, and now... he just didn't know what to do, except to try and flail forwards and find a solution. Figure out if somehow he could... fix this, whether it was his fault or not. And hopefully learn a little bit more about his mother's side of the family in the process.

He and Luna glanced to the side as they passed a beautiful little coffeehouse, that was enclosed inside pretty wooden fencing over which vines had been allowed to naturally spread, and Scrivener smiled a little. The ponies here were different from the rich quarter: they looked... nice, in a word. And he was surprised as his eyes roved over the table and a pony in a bright purple outfit rose a hoof to them from one of the outdoor tables; after the first few times they'd met, he'd never expected Ersatz could fit in so well with nice-looking, normal ponies.

The two ponies strode up onto the deck, and Ersatz smiled up at them kindly: she was wearing what almost looked like a velvet bonnet today, with her mane carefully styled forwards and held in place by a matching bow. Similar bows were at the end of slender stockings that covered her forelegs and hind legs, and as Scrivener drew his eyes along her, he realized she was wearing a matching little skirt as well... like she always was whenever they met, keeping her cutie mark from view.

“You shouldn't stare, Scrivener Blooms.” Ersatz said kindly, and Scrivener cleared his throat awkwardly before looking up at her lamely, and then instead his eyes settled curiously on what was in front of her, a notepad covered in messy writing. “Staring again, Scrivener.”

“Scrivener often stares, but 'tis rarely unpleasant with his pretty mare's eyes. Thou should enjoy it.” Luna replied easily, and Scrivener slowly turned a glare on the winged unicorn, but she only winked at him in response. “See?”

Ersatz only gave a quiet laugh, apparently not disturbed in the slightest by the winged unicorn as she smiled. “I see, Luna. But it's good to see you both... please, have a seat, join me. To be entirely honest, I wasn't sure you were going to show up... did you happen to see my newest article yet?”

“Should I?” Scrivener asked awkwardly, and his cousin nodded once before she picked up a purse off the table and pulled out a narrow magazine. She put this gently down and slid it over the table to Scrivener, who winced at the cover alone: blaring, bright, eye-catching colors and shock designs, with a bold font that stood out in sharp contrast.

His eyes were instantly drawn to his name as he reached down and touched the magazine, and Luna looked sourly over at Ersatz as she said dryly: “It is very hard for me to give thee the benefit of the doubt when thou continues to write this drivel. Personally, I lean towards pummeling thee.”

“I know. But I have to do this. Scrivener seems to understand.” Ersatz replied softly, giving another small smile before she shook her head slowly and looked over at the earth pony. “I wanted to talk to you more today about responsibility, and about what you owe. You seem... more reasonable than I thought you'd be at first.”

Scrivener grunted quietly, not looking up as he hesitated for a few moments... then suddenly turned his gaze upwards, deciding to follow his impulse as he asked: “If Underbrush owns Rogues And Studs, and you broke up with him, why do you still work there?”

Ersatz shifted in surprise, eyes widening slightly as she looked across at him, then bit her lip... before she slowly smiled, looking oddly... impressed. Perhaps even pleased in a way, as she replied in a surprisingly-level voice: “Because Underbrush only cares about the bottom line, sweetie, as I'm sure you must have noticed by now. He's just... he's not the 'slave hoof' he claims to be.”

“He's confused.” Scrivener said softly, and Ersatz tilted her head back and forth, then smiled and nodded in agreement before the charcoal stallion asked quietly: “And you're good for ratings, right?”

“He explained this to me once, like this... every business is like a pack that has to be kept strong and at the top of its game. When members of this pack begin to slip, they must be culled, before they can hurt the rest of the pack. That's what carnivores do in nature.” Ersatz said softly, continuing to give her gentle, plastic smile across at the two ponies. “But this way, the 'kill' doesn't go to waste. It's Underbrush's pack that's running, and Underbrush's carnivores that do the feeding. And Underbrush makes a profit off the pack, the hunters, and the carcass he collects once we're done with it. He's as ruthless as any unicorn mogul. But unlike them, he's far, far angrier at the world.”

Ersatz glanced down, sipping at her tea slowly, and Scrivener shivered a bit, muttering: “This whole publishing thing is just turning out super well for me, really. You, Underbrush... what other fantastic ponies am I going to get to meet?”

“I hope we find out together.” Ersatz said, and her voice sounded so honest, so kind, it almost made Scrivener feel a little guilty... until he turned to the full page spread about him and stared down at the picture somepony had taken of him sitting with both Luna and Twilight, a foreleg around both, a grin on his muzzle, looking like just about the biggest douchebag in existence. The stallion looked at this awkwardly, and then Ersatz smiled as she murmured: “My photographer does good work.”

“I'll say.” Scrivener muttered, then he turned the page... and stared in shock at the pictures of both himself and Luna engaging in what looked like intimate moments with others. “I... wait, I don't... I mean...”

“It's falsified evidence, yes. These photos were reworked...” Ersatz admitted calmly, and Scrivener looked up at her in disbelief as Luna gritted her teeth. “But it's true, isn't it? More important than that, sex sells... and considering the audience of Rogues And Studs, it's more effective to print rumors and accusations than it is to bother with fact. And we have some fine print somewhere that notes these pictures are 'artistic interpretations.'”

“You know your business.” Scrivener muttered, turning back a page with a grimace and looking down to skim through the article. He felt angry, strangely-betrayed, hurt... and yet at the same time, almost impressed, as he asked in a moody voice: “Where the hell did you get all your information?”

“It's my special talent.” Ersatz said softly, and Scrivener tilted his head despite himself, but the unicorn only smiled before asking quietly: “Would you like to go somewhere more private so we can chat? I've been trying for a while now to enter Subterra, could we perhaps go there?”

Luna and Scrivener both looked surprised, but then the sapphire mare growled and asked sourly: “So thou can write another smear article, or talk about all our...” She glanced down at the article, then spat: “'Predatory orgies with emotionally-vulnerable ponies?'”

“I apologize for the bad writing, my audience expects a particular style from me.” Ersatz said gently, and Scrivener didn't know if he was angry or still reeling with surprise before the unicorn mare said quietly: “Show me your lifestyle, up close and personal. Show me the life you live, Scrivener Blooms. Whatever you convince me you've earned, cousin, I won't write about...”

“But the rest you'll slur and ruin however you want?” Scrivener asked dryly, and Ersatz only gave him a sincere look as she nodded slowly, the stallion shivering a little. “You disturb me more than a bit, I want you to know that. I just... I don't know at all what the hell to make of you, Ersatz. On the one hoof you seem almost like a good pony, but on the other...”

Ersatz only shrugged a little, then Luna grunted and said moodily: “Wonderful. But aye, very well. We have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.” Luna said firmly, glaring over at Scrivener when he winced and opened his mouth. “Perhaps we can even show thy delightful cousin Ersatz precisely what is the true meaning of honor, which she has torn all asunder in her own mind.”

Scrivener sighed tiredly, but Ersatz didn't rise to the bait, only politely bowing her head before she glanced with interest at the box Luna was still levitating beside her. Immediately, the winged unicorn glared at her and moved the box to drop on her own back, setting herself and narrowing her eyes moodily. “Those pies are mine, foul creature. Thou may not touch them.”

“Luna.” Scrivener sighed in exasperation, but Ersatz only gave them a quietly-entertained look before the stallion shook his head slowly, and asked finally: “Should we... I mean... I guess we can go when you're ready then, Ersatz Major. But you know you might not get the warmest reception downstairs, especially right now... things... things are kind of stressful.”

“What's wrong?” Ersatz asked with genuine concern, and it made Scrivener want to laugh, but all he could do was smile faintly as he studied her silently, and she looked back at him before giving her well-practiced, false smile again. “Oh, I apologize. I suppose I can't blame your confusion, or for being worried about my goals... but I don't want to see you hurt. Any more than I wanted to hurt Underbrush... I did like him, and he was very good to me... at least at first. It's because of Underbrush's generosity that I was able to secure my position at Rogues And Studs, and live in the comforts I do now... I suppose I must look like... a very bad person, but I'm not.”

Luna snorted at this, saying wryly: “No, no. Not a bad pony... only a hypocrite. Look at thou, speaking of 'punishing' Scrivener like thou art bringing justice to thy dead family... but thou cannot imagine how much Scrivener has suffered since learning about... what thou told him. How much he believes... even if I struggle to even accept that he was perhaps not entirely hated, with how badly he was treated. Even if I struggle to not... pummel thee into the ground, Scrivener has swallowed his hatred of thee and I do not understand the damnable poet, since he is all too glad to be bitter over the tiniest things but thou, thou seeks to ruin his life and...”

Luna fell quietly as Scrivener reached up and touched her shoulder gently, and Ersatz smiled faintly as she murmured: “It's jut an effect I have on ponies. And I'm not a hypocrite... Underbrush gave me many gifts, you know. And I offered all the same to return them when things didn't work out, but he insisted I keep them. Still, the jewelry, the trappings... all too glamorous for my taste. Except for my neat little house a few blocks away, and of course my wardrobe. But I've always been a clotheshorse.”

She laughed quietly to herself as Scrivener and Luna studied her silently, and then the unicorn rose her head and smiled, saying gently: “Here, let me show you something.”

Ersatz reached down and carefully brushed up the side of her dress, and Scrivener leaned to the side as her hip was revealed... and on it, the cutie mark of a smiling theater mask, as Ersatz said softly: “My special talent is for acting. Playing a role, being who I'm not. I get caught up in the character I've created for myself here in Canterlot sometimes, though... the Ersatz who works at Rogues And Studs, that's not the real me. That's the pony I've had to become to continue to work there, to continue to live here, to pursue... my goals.”

“How do I know that you're not lying to me right at this moment, then? How do I know everything Underbrush said about you isn't true?” Scrivener asked quietly, shifting uneasily as Luna's eyes narrowed darkly. “And what if... you really are a good enough actress to fool me, and everything you've told me is a lie, and you just want to come down to Subterra so you can get more dirt to shovel and say you've gotten an 'in-depth' analysis of my life or... I dunno, some other way to make me look like a bigger idiot.”

“Because you're my cousin and you're family.” Ersatz said softly, and then she closed her eyes before smiling and tilting her head towards him, adding kindly: “And I know that either way, you feel... compelled now, to bring me to Subterra. You know that I have to be one of three things to ask to go there, even with you two as my escorts... perhaps especially with you both as my guides. I must be honest, stupid, or courageous. And I assure you, I am neither of the last two.”

Scrivener shifted uneasily as Luna muttered: “Nor art thou honest. No, thou art cunning and manipulative and I do not trust thee... but aye, very well, Ersatz Major. Come, actress, let us take a walk out of sunny Canterlot into my dark city, and introduce thee to some of our friends and the world Scrivener Blooms and I thrive in. Just do not blame us if the demons smell evil intent; 'tis in their nature to be driven to punish wrongdoers.”

Ersatz only smiled, closing her notebook and putting her things quickly away into her purse before she slipped it on and stood. And Scrivener and Luna traded an awkward look before they nodded and turned to lead the mare onwards, leaving Ersatz's magazine behind.

Comments

[Shirohige]

Please let Pinkamena kill Erstaz.
Scrivener's being dumb. It isn't his fault. He shouldn't feel guilt for anything. I wonder how long this is going to go on for.
Also, Luna should beat up Underbrush.
Great chapter, though, in case I wasn't clear.

EDIT: Just noticed the title of the chapter. Hilarious.

[Koekelbag]

he wondered if they had some special cook on staff for Underwood's clearly peculiar tastes and maybe a few of the other rich eccentrics

...who now? Not sure if this is either Underbrush or Subterra... or someone you already introduced that I probably forgot, but my money is on Underbrush.

Luna could only what it was like to have

Maybe it's just me, but it really feels like a verb's missing here.

Also... as usual, I'm yet again impressed by how damn well you manage to present your characters, Underbrush in particular here. It doesn't matter how much of a total assholes they are, you seem to always manage to give them something... amicable, likable even... not to mention how utterly real they feel (honestly, if this wasn't about multicolored talking magical horses fighting with deities on a regular basis, I sometimes wonder if one would consider this a biography).

Dunno, just wanted to mention it.

[BlackRoseRaven]

6697725

Thanks. I really appreciate that. And I'm glad to hear it, because even Underbrush isn't supposed to be. Wholly horrible. I mean, yes, he's a cranky racist old asshole but he's... got a fire in him too, and I'm glad to hear that comes across right. He's one of those characters I've never gotten tired of.