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Chapter 11,091 words
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Chapter 1

Hello. My name is Twilight Sparkle... er... I mean, Princess Twilight Sparkle. Sweet Celestia that is going to need some getting used to. Wait do I need to swear to myself now. Am I a fucking goddess now? Hmmm, Princess Twilight Sparkle the Immortal. No, Twilight Sparkle the Fucking Goddess. Yeah, I like that. TSFG has such a better ring to it the SGPT will ever have.

Oh right now I remember why I'm writing. To remind my self of the absolutely awful first day of being a Princess. First off, I wasn't even told what I am the Princess of. Some fucking people came in calling me the Princess of Friendship, while others called me the Princess of Magic. Still, other called me the fucking Princess of the Night. I look nothing like Luna. Well, I guess I can blame that on the new ceramic statues of me as a Princess. Hascolt really fucked up on the look.

Oh, oh, and then some little bitch came crying to me about her son running away. After I asked the boys age, she said eighteen. Seriously, mare, he was probably just moving out on his own. I told her and she started screaming at me and calling me names. I AM A PRINCESS NOW AND I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO THAT WAY. So I had her thrown in the dungeons. She can't leave until I say so. I read about that. Whenever a princess sentences someone to a dungeon, that pony may only be released if the Princess in question gives her approval. So, even if Celestia finds out about her, that wretched pony, the Princess of the Sun will not be able to do anything.

Some of the peasants did have appropriate concerns, however. This one farmer stallion said his eight year old daughter had been kidnapped by Diamond Dogs. I felt his pain as I, too, had once had a loved one kidnapped by those fiends. I immediately sent five of the guard to the town to fetch the filly. Speaking of guards, I need to get some of my own. The ones I have now are just rentals from Celestia. I mean rentals. I have to pay her so she can pay their wages. She told me that while they are under my control, they are still her guards. Where does she get off. I need my own Twilight Guard. I know, I'll call them the Dusk Platoon. Get it, Dusk... Twilight... eh, eh... oh, never mind. It doesn't matter anyw-

Twilight is interrupted by a knock on her door. One of her borrowed guards spoke through the door. “Your Highness, the Element of Generosity, Lady Rarity has come to visit you. Would you like me to send her in?”

Twilight looked to her half finished journal entry. She used magic to quickly dry the ink and close the book before putting it in one of her desk drawers. “Send her in, Ser.”

The door opened and Rarity stepped in, resplendent in her newest out fit, a purple, silk dress with white lace at the shoulders an the hem. Though the gown was simpler than some of Rarity's work, the alabaster unicorn made it look beautiful. Rather, the dress made her look beautiful.

“Twilight, what are you doing?”

Twilight shuffled her hooves. “Nothing, just doing a bit a writing.”

“Oh, are you writing a novel? Can I see what you have already?”

“NO!” Twilight yelled. “I mean, no, not yet. I'm a little embarrassed about my work.”

Rarity waved her hoof dismissively, respecting her friends feelings. “It is of no matter. The real reason why I came to visit is to inquire as to why you are not at the feast.”

“F-feast?”

“Of course, darling. The feast to celebrate your coronation.”

“I thought we had a feast last night.”

“We did, but apparently these coronation feasts happen every night for a week, and tomorrow there is a tourney to be held in your honor.”

Twilight visibly paled at the news. “S-seriously?”

“Yes, darling. Now are you coming or not?”

Twilight unsteadily got to her feet. “I'll come. Just give me fifteen minute to get into something presentable.”

Five hours later and three ours after midnight, Twilight stumbled back into her room. She waddled over to her desk and plopped down on her chair with a fairly audible thud. She pulled out her journal and searched through the pages until she found the one she was looking for. She squinted in order to dip the quill in the ink and she began to write in an unsteady hand.

I'm back. Sorry I had to leave, Rarity pulled me away from you to got to some frivolous feast. Oh yeah, I should mention that all of my friends became ladies of the court after I became Princess, Rarity seems to be the only one taking it in stride. Applejack was the most shaken up about it. She thought she would have to leave the farm to live in Canterlot with all the snoody, upperclass ponies. She was having a conniption fit for about an hour before I was finally able to tell her that the title was only a formality and she could still do anything she wanted. In fact, Rarity is the only one who wants to stay in Canterlot with me. The others all like their lives back in Ponyville. Sure, they are staying in Canterlot during the feasting, but then, they are high tailing it out of here. Some friends they are. As soon as I become different, they abandon me. Don't they know that I need them. I need somepony to lean on as I get used to this Princess stuff. Sure, Rarity is great, but she has always been a high class pony at heart. She can't relate to me. Yeah, I lived in Canterlot before, but I was never in the spotlight. Now I'm a guppy swimming disguised in a school of barracuda. If they find me out, they will eat me alive.

Twilight set her quill down next to her tear drop littered page. With a final sniffle, she tore the page out of the book with her magic and crumpled it up. She threw it over her shoulder in the direction of the trash can. The balled paper landed on the rim of the trash can and rested there, as if undecided as to whether stay outside or plunge in.

Author's Note:

Once again, drunk as I wrote this. I wrote it last night but was at a house without internet. I don't think it is as funny as the other one but i still hope you like it.
Love,
Distorted

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