• Member Since 20th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 17th, 2013

InkDust


Hey, I'm Lara. I love My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! (Obviously) I'm also fairly writing-obsessed! I love Flutterdash, Sparity, and the Derpy/Doctor pairing! (I love shipping things...)

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When Twilight Sparkle was just a filly, and Shining Armor began training for Celestia's royal gaurd, his time to foal sit her was cut short. Her parents, in need of a foal sitter, put an ad in the paper.
Mysteriously, the Princess herself sent Princess Cadence to Twilight's door, for reasons confined between the two of them.
Slowly, Shinging Armor feels himself falling for the beautiful pink princess, and maybe Cadence feels the same way, and what stared out a mission to watch over a gifted unicorn, becomes something much more.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 9 )

An interesting tale, I shall track for now.

The description caught my interest, and the plot is progressing at a decent rate and quality as expected.
But you have to work on your literary style and do some basic proofreading.

In terms of style, the way you're currently telling the story is mostly flat and boring exposition. From what I'm reading, there's just a lot of Telling, generic descriptions of basic actions that don't really engage the audience's attention so much as it does force-feed us actions. In order to come alive, a story must convey its scenes to the audience on a more engaging level. Use more vivid description, give us deeper glimpses into a character's perspective, delve into the metaphorical world, tell the story in a new and interesting way: there are many way for an author to succeed in this task. Right now, you're just giving us sentences of, "_____ did _____"; your objective now would be to do some research to do something better than that, while still conveying the same idea. I suggest you start with The School for New Writers and their stylistic tutorials.
Regarding proofreading, there's just a number of typos and errors throughout the fic that are quite distracting to come across. Their existence is emphasized by how short your sentences and paragraphs are, too. Your textual line break is ugly and overlong, use the editor's [ hr ] tag instead. You misspelled "piece" as "peace" within the phrase, "peace of paper". Two of the paragraphs is missing an indentation. There's a few more, so I suggest combing through the text once more.

This story's decent thus far. It's readable, and I'm interested to see where you take the plot. I'll be tracking this one.

2297113 Thank you so much for your review!
The advice means a lot to me, and I'll try to take it into account when I write the next chapter (Or anything for that matter).
I really should of proof read this chapter again, and I'm about to now. This website is new to me and I'm still figuring it out XD
Thank you!!

I like it! There's a lot of potential here. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this. Keep going! :rainbowdetermined2:

This is really cute, please continue!

i like it. Want more, a few mistakes but they have already been hit upon.

please keep going, I'm liking this a lot! :pinkiehappy:

i really like the story so far is there going to be more???:twilightsmile:

That sounds like a reasonable explanation for the name/cutie mark similarity

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