Fluttershy fell in love at first sight and has kept it to herself. Now that her crush has gained a pair of wings, she decides that it is impossible to be with her now. Walking around, she remembers some of her happy memories.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 25th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen 7 hours ago
elmago02
A Brony from Colombia that enjoys writing and reading about ponies.
elmago02
Joined 25th Feb, 2013 ·
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dawwwww
A for effort on this.
Not too bad considering English isn't your main language, but there are a ton of mistakes throughout this story. That, and it seemed kind of rushed, but maybe that is the pacing you were going for. It was a cutesy "behind-the-scenes" type of story, I just wish we could have seen more of Fluttershy's feelings develop, and maybe more interaction with Twilight.
Good stuff sir, thanks for the story
2297106
Thanks for the comment, and yeah the story is rushed, that's what i get for trying to write just the essential so the number of mistakes did't increase, also the reason why i didn't go further with the memories, i'll try to fix it.
I know English isn't your first language and this is your first story, but it's still really good.
Post Alicorn-ification TwiShy? Heck Yes!
I like the concept, and the grammatical errors aren't too bad despite your statement that English isn't your first language. I also like that Fluttershy had to be let down when she first confessed rather then Twilight feeling the same way on the spot, thus adding to the drama
I'd have to say I agree with ssjgokillo's points. Less rush in the pacing, a bit more attention to description, and more time spent on witnessing Fluttershy's feelings develop. Fluttershy's confession scene could 'Shy say a but more about her feelings, even if it's just paniced rambling, which would be believable, and Twilight's confession could have more feeling to it as well
I would consider this a "rough draft", a good story that with some tightening up, could be something really special
I like this, could have done with some more development but still one of my favourite romance fics I've read.
Although the ending seems to need a little more fleshing out, I liked the story. I'd say read the story out loud, if some of the sentences seem awkward you might want to rephrase them. The only error I saw was.
Twilight didn't had the chance to do so, because in the whole party, Fluttershy stayed away from the celebration, the reason of this, the same thoughts that she have had yesterday night and today morning drove her to an isolated orchard so she could pity herself.
Fluttershy declaring her love is too freaking cute, and the title fits it so well.
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDMvMjAvMDBfMzJfMjZfODIxXzI3NDcxNV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfdHdpbGlnaHRfc3BhcmtsZV9hbmltYXRlZF9kcnVncy5naWYiXV0/274715__safe_twilight-sparkle_animated_drugs_51490b797f123b96560002a9.gif
My reaction to this story
I got partially through this story before my internal auto-correct blew a fuse. I saw many little errors here and there, like the irregular verb shake has a past tense of shook, and definitely not shacked. All in all, it was not very bad of a story, just difficult for a Grammar Nazi like me to push through.
My recommendation: Find a proofreader. A human being (preferably one who has learned English as their first language) can catch and correct the tiny errors that polka-dot this high-potential fic, while leaving your beautiful plotline intact. This site has plenty of awesome people that would be willing to proofread your story(s). :3
<3 DarqFox
If you do get a proofreader, update the story with all of the edits, and let me know, so I can come back and read the story the whole way through. I really would love to read the whole fic. :3
There are so many things I could say about this, but I'll only say a few of them:
It was heart breaking to read Fluttershy remember the times she couldn't spit it out.
It was heart breaking to read Fluttershy confess her love, only to be met with, "I have to go."
It was heart breaking to read all the grammatical errors in this.
But it was all worth it to read that ending!
All it really needs is a proofreader. Then this better get featured.
If you want to get this proofread, I could do it for you, just give the word.
2329371
Is this your favorite story on the citadel?
im going to make this story proofreaded, my first option is Commander Shepard who offered to do it, if there is no answer for monday, i guess i will have to look for help
2347127
After all. Grammar Nazis like me just love to proof stories.
I'd be more than willing to proof this story.
<3 DarqFox
Despite any errors that have been pointed out in this fic, that actually broke my heart a little reading those scenes where Fluttershy remembered those memories
. It was worth reading it for that ending though. 
What a great story! Some interesting grammatical errors there but super well done for your first!
Aw, a very cute first story! I think enough has been said about grammatical errors, but i'd love to read more from you in the future
an outstanding story i love it
some were just starting to fall asleep doe to the great party --> should be "due"
the beautiful voice that emanated from the pegasis mouth --> should be "pegasus"
(a few other occurences of "pegasis", use ctrl+f to find them)
your rythm is just a teeny-tiny bit off --> "rhythm"
All that Twilight managed to persive was the awkward silence --> "perceive"
Didn't she told you? --> "tell"
You also have a number of run-on sentences dispersed throughout your story...
There are probably some other errors that I missed...but overall this is still a touching story, and the emotional impact isn't diminished by the spelling/grammatical errors.
2501927
Thank you a lot for the corrections.
Apart from the grammar, this is a pretty cute story. Really tugs on the heartstrings.
Awwwww, so cute!
I dont mind the grammar errors.
so sweet... so loving... i cant take it....
for you good sir/ma'am... i grant you
4/5 raritys for such a touching story
and
5/5 apple bloom for such a tear jerker
2738253 He, thanks for the Raritys and Appleblooms.
2738289 and now im checking your other story out
2738289 and now im checking your other story out
Did is the past tense form of do. Because of this, the rest of the description of the action which did is acting on should be in present tense. You do not say "I did ran", you say "I ran" or "I did run". You would not say "I do ran", you would say, "I do run".
Change "had" to "have"
"It" is a bit of an exceptional word.
It's means "it is".
Its means "it possesses the following".
These sentences have no business being linked. One follows logically after the other, sure, but that is just how you are supposed to arrange your thoughts; logically. They don't even have a conjunction. In the sentence "People, living ones, can jump." a sentence fragment with a bit of information on the people who are jumping is stuffed into the sentence. Without the fragment, the sentence looks like this; "People can jump." This is not what you are doing with those comas.
The sentence fragment "correction," is being used to preface the sentence it attached too. This means that it is at the beginning of a thought which is a correction of a previous thought. This means that "The dream lasted the whole night" and "correction, the 'nightmare' lasted the whole night" are totally separate thoughts and should be totally separate sentences.
The word "what" is a pronoun specifying undetermined meaning. In your sentence, "something" was missing. The question for that is "what was missing". "It" is a pronoun specifying a prior subject. The sentence "They knew what was it" means that they were aware that what (something) is it (the prior subject).
You said that they knew that something was itself.
If you said "they knew what it was" instead of "they knew what was it", you would be saying that they knew the something thing which "something" was. This leaves the "something" unknown rather than giving a self referential identification.
"It was" would become "they knew what "what" was. This leaves out the detail of what "what" actually was.
However, the information "it was" in "knew what it was" can actually just be omitted without losing any meaning because the first half of your sentence gives plenty of context to "what".
Suggestion; "Something was missing and the critters knew exactly what."
This is a run on sentence with no proper conjunctions.
"She" is the subject who "went". "Went" is the predicate. "Towards" begins a description of exactly where it was that "she went". "Towards the" signifies that a noun is about to be named. "Door stopping" is not a noun. "Door" is a noun, but "stopping does not further describe the door, which must be the target of "towards". This means that "stopping" is now a floating verb with no appropriate subject. That is because you are stuffing two sentences together. "She went towards the door. She stopped just in front of it." These are two sentences describing related things which "she" did. If you want, you can make the second sentence part of the first using a conjunction; "She went towards the door and she stopped just in front of it." The information "she" in the second sentence is redundant now and can be omitted like so; "She went towards the door and stopped just in front of it." The "and" can be removed, but then you must make the second sentence an extension of the first, which has already put the event in past tense with the word "went". "She went towards the door, stopping just in front of it." What I am saying is, research commas. If there is just one thing you need to learn, it's commas.
“Were” should be “where”.
"Not a simple tree" is a preface to the more complicated description of the tree. At a minimum, try this;"Walking down the road, just some meters away from her home, she recognized a tree. Not a simple tree, it was the tree where she practiced her singing along whit her birds, the tree where she met her for the first time..."
There was only one bird suddenly?
Incredible is an adjective and so must describe a noun. Shy, as a description, is an adjective. You cannot use incredible to describe shy. You must use an adverb such as incredibly to describe adjectives, verbs, and other adverbs.
Didn’t made indicates the past tense twice for a single action. This is redundant.
This is singular, feelings is plural. Pick either plural or singular and stick with it. The plural of this is these. The singular of feelings is feeling.
The images are not being projected onto the top of her head where people can see them; they are inside of her head or "in".
Typo. I think you meant "at"
Friend is supposed to be plural.
Also, there is a subject/verb disagreement here. "Were", "are", and "run" are plural verbs and so you use them with plural subjects (They run. They are red. They were red). "Was", "is", and "runs are a singular verbs and so .you use them with singular subjects (He runs. He is red. He was red). "I", as a subject is exceptional.
“A” should be “at”.
When you said ",Twilight was in danger", you were following your prior trend of revealing more about what Fluttershy saw with each sentence. When you said "something snapped inside of her" you were talking about her reaction to what she saw, rather than continuing to talk about what she saw. This should be a new sentence.
"That" is a conjunction here and "is" is the predicate of the text after the conjunction. There is no subject. The second half of the sentence is supposed to be a hypothesis based on the first half of the sentence, so use the pronoun "it" in "that it is" to refer back to the adventure as it is described. If you instead add the conjunction "and" in "and that is", the pronoun form of "that" would be the subject.
This sentence has no subject.
What "is" for the best?
Suggestion: "It is for the best."
A "hundredth" is 0.01. A hundredth percent would be 0.01/100 or 0.0001. A hundred percent is 100%.
Was it turning the chicken in stone or were they looking for it in stone?
Either is silly. "Turning it in stone" would mean that the chicken was turning in circles despite being inside of a stone. You meant that the chicken was becoming stone or turning into stone, not turning in stone.
This says that either the fillies and the rock stumbled, or the fillies stumbled while holding a rock. The action of stumbling was done by the fillies. They did the action on the rock. So they stumbled on the rock the same way one might paint on a canvas or press on a button.
Catch who doing this again?
If she is not thinking "this is going to be a long day", then it does not belong in a sentence about her thoughts without some relationship being drawn between the thought and the narration. If she is thinking those thoughts, they should have quote marks.
When you leap over, you jump into the air until you are directly above something. If she leapt over to twilight, the actual object which she leapt over would not be known, but we would know that her destination was Twilight. If she leapt at Twilight, we would know the direction of her leap, though we wouldn't know where she actually landed until more details were given.
2773851 Thanks for that, good sir.
2773851
i1.ytimg.com/vi/4xGGS6wzvOQ/hqdefault.jpg
That is all.
2893383 Yea, there were a lot of errors, but I already fixed them. I couldn't help it. My English is no good, but I'm improving
2893405
Well, as long as you're getting better. That's all that really matters, that, and that you have a good time while writing.
2893430 I sure do, I'm actually writing right now the next chapter of my other story. And I'm on full writing mode.
2893443
Ah, yes. I have your other story in my read later pile and am looking forward to its completion. I wish you the best while writing it.
2893451 Thanks.
Crippling grammar error in that description sentence unless I miss my guess.
2964291 A good mustache is always appreciated.
2964322 and i shall keep giving them to the best stories. yours was one of them
It was a decent story, though it did get rather too fast near the end. Still good.
Huh. I actually read this a long time ago when I first found Fimfiction, before I had an account. Amusing.
Anyway, it was interesting to see how much you've improved as a writer. I don't mean things like grammar which I tend to not care so much about, but the actual story telling. As I'm fond of telling people there's two parts of story telling, the story and the telling. The story aspect here is good, Fluttershy walking around Ponyville remembering events from her point of view, a very somber experience. The telling is the part of writing that needs lots of practice. If the story is the image in a painter's mind, then the telling is what actually appears on canvas. You told this story very well considering it was your first time writing, but you've certainly improved since writing this.
6262354
It's good to hear that I have improved, if it's only a little.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/117051/love-me-i-mean-if-youre-ok-with-me was actually the story suggested to me to read, but I noticed this one was attached in the description.
Krickis actually suggested it in response to a blog challenge I made. The challenge was to suggest the best stories for me to read that are the absoulte favorites or have faded from the spotlight. The rare jewels so to speak, that would take someone forever to dig up sifting through searches.
While not the original suggested story to read, i have to still give credit for putting on the path to this one.
With all that aside now. I rather enjoy TwiShy shipping for its moments of cute, and I enjoyed this story. Now I'm on my way to read the actual suggested story, but I couldn't pass on the comment.
Loved it! Twishy forever!
So, um... Wonky. OOC for me, not sure why. Flutters, to a point, was acceptable... And then... it just... rushed itself.
I mean, an okay piece of fiction, just... not quite to my liking, is all.
Don't let Cadance hear Twilight say that, she might think Twilight is stealing her role as a Princess and taking over her job!