Rose Book is a normal earth-pony mare. She lives a quiet live and earns her money with selling her books about plants. She is thoroughly happy with her life. From time to time, she visits the border of the Everfree Forest to gather some seeds for rare plants. The forest was not dangerous until some hours after nightfall and also, not on the border.
One particular day, she went further than normal into the forest. Without noticing it, she walked into a part of the forest she never heard anything about. Strange unknown plants and dark moving shadows were living at this part of the forest, and Rose Book quickly finds herself in a situation where she wished that she only had to deal with timberwolves and manticores.
Thanks to I See You for editing this.
Sounds promising, will give this a read soon as I have a chance.
Good read so far. Looking forward to more.
I am going to give what I hope is useful advice. Don't take offense from it.
You start is terrible. It's the worst cliche in the fandom. Never begin a story with "It was a beautiful day in Equestria/Ponyville." This alone will turn most people off the story. It is also asking for dislikes. I suggest you change it as soon as you read this.
That is the only urgent issue. The rest is stuff you should work on. Your first scene has too much telling and not enough showing. You introduce us to the characters in a predictable way. You just told us their traits. A better way is to show them using the traits, and let us figure out on our own. Also, do not plug lines from the show into your story. The line from Pinkie about the party is more annoying than it's worth. It makes it seem like you don't know how to write her without direct copying.
You have a tendency to faff around when you write. You are giving the reader too many unnecessary details. I suggest you look at your work as you write and think, "Is there any way I could have done this paragraph with less words?" It is not always best to remove words, but in your case you use too many. I understand that you are trying to emulate the mindset of your OC so that the reader can relate to them, but much of what you say is things the reader would have thought anyway. It is most noticeable in the action scene and can break pacing.
If you want to know if your OC is a decent character: yes. Good enough at least. You have room to add to them, and you haven't done anything stupid to them.
Well, that's all I got. Good luck.
2292012 THank you. I love feedback.
I wasn't mad or angry even one second on what you wrote, since I am happily accepting constructive criticism.
The telling and showing part seems about right. I also have to say that I told much since it goes in fewer words, and I kinda realized that my beginning was too long. I even deleted multiple paragraphs before uploading this story. Thanks anyway, I will probably change it.
I put the line of the story in as a little "easter egg" if you know what I mean. I wasn't sure if this was either liked or disliked so this was kind of an experiment, since I never put a line of the show into any of my four stories (except for WORST POSSIBLE THING). So it is good to know that it looks more annoying than funny.
The last two things. Yeah that's exactly what my colleague always tells me. "You explain stuff that is obvious." I kinda have no control over it.
sorry about that. I also have one more question. Does this also include the descriptions, such as "the itches returned, bla bla breathing, bla bla heart."? or simple actions to which I explain stuff?
Thank your for your feedback. The beginning yep... I will go over it. When/If I upload the second chapter, I will probably go over the first one again. And again, thank you for your feedback.
2293041 I would say yes they do. The best way to think about it is imagine you are making a film and each line is a camera shot. Try to describe what is important in the scene, and if nothing new is introduced, then skip that part. You need to make some adjustments to that metaphor. Films use sound a lot for feelings, but you will have to describe them. It is ok to just describe a physical feeling when using a characters perspective, but don't use more lines than you need.