Chapter 4: June 27, Mr. Deeds Goes to Town
Yet Another Human in Equestria Story
By: Bardic Knowledge
Chapter 4: June 27, Mr. Deeds Goes to Town
Despite it only being the second train I had ever ridden on, and a steam engine instead of an electric train, and not being a bendy-train... Anyway, despite it only being the second train I'd ever ridden on, the trip to Canterlot was quite relaxing. Spike's pass had gotten us a private room on the bed car, and he turned in as the sun set, letting me know that the trip would apparently take all night at least.
This made sense, considering the MMMystery on the Friendship Express took place overnight. As usual, I stayed up since I couldn't sleep and observed the countryside rolling past at night. I walked down the train, aiming for the platform on the caboose where I could more easily see the sky.
As I had discovered during my nights in Ponyville, the night sky was beautiful without the mass of light from large settlements. Even living outside town, I could barely see the stars on Earth. It didn't help that we had six prisons in town that were all surrounded by bright lights all night long. Look to the east and the clouds would be a bright reddish-orange.
I don't even know why we have six prisons. It used to be three, and that's why the local S.C.A group was known as the Canton of Three Walls.
Anywhoozle, I stood at the back of the train, the wind rustling my coat, and stared up at the blue-black heavens. In the distance, I could still see the lights of Ponyville, but they were barely in sight and retreating fast.
Despite how often I would watch the skies of Earth at night, I couldn't make out any familiar constellations. Though it didn't help that most of the ones I would recognize were in the north sky and that's the direction the train was going. Still, the sky was magnificent to behold, with so many visible stars. And the moon was majestic. It was rather odd to not see the Man in the Moon or Tsuki no Usagi. Guess it must be stranger for the ponies who grew up seeing the Mare in the Moon. Eventually, I tired of pacing back and forth and staring at the sky and headed back inside.
There were very few ponies awake on the train. Heck, there were very few ponies on the last train to Canterlot to begin with. Ugh, I should have brought a book or something. I grabbed my Bag of Holding and pulled out quill and paper instead. Though I call it paper, it was actually more like papyrus in construction. I knew for certain that it wasn't parchment, considering parchment is made of leather, while papyrus is made of reeds. Modern paper is made of wood pulp, but that's all I know of how it's made.
Hmm. This inner monologue of mine keeps getting side-tracked. I actually have that problem a lot. Sometimes I can't even keep track of how I got on a particular topic.
There I go again.
Okay, I had gotten out paper and quill to try and do some sort of writing, or maybe doodle a bit. I'm nowhere near the artist my dad is, but I do enjoy making sketches. I experimented with ways to hold the quill, remembering something of the calligraphy book I once read something like five years ago.
I failed to make my writing fancy.
I also failed to make my art look any better. My failure in art was mostly in the way of proportions. If I drew a person, I couldn't make their arms the same size. In drawing a pony, their legs all wound up different lengths and pegasi would have asymmetrical wings.
By the time I finally felt sleepy, I had written down something I wanted to discuss with Celestia: who I meant when I spoke of someone called “Q.”
I don't know how much Discord could hear while sealed in stone, or if he simply had a limited-scope omniscience around his statue form, so I figured it would be better to speak of him in code. I had also realized that I had been rather callous in the way I spoke of their world. It would probably take a while for the whole “this place is fiction even though I'm here” thing to wear off.
I finally fell asleep when the train was probably two hours from Canterlot, and Spike had to wake me up as the conductor went by. I blinked repeatedly as I followed him out, trying to make sure my contacts didn't dehydrate. I really need to get new ones.
Canterlot was spectacular to behold, if blinding in the morning light (so glad I had my sunglasses). The alabaster spires of the castle proper spread light across the entire city, and most of the buildings near it were also made of the same shining white. Walking through the city reminded me of the one time I visited Chicago, except there were carts instead of cars.
I was getting a lot of odd looks as I walked, similar to my first day in Ponyville. It was understandable, since nopony had ever seen a human before. Some of them greeted Spike as he went by, which made sense since he and Twilight lived here before they moved to Ponyville.
The way to the castle was easy to find, since there was one big road straight from the train station to the castle. Once we got to the castle, we were led to the throne room by a pair of guards, one of whom went in to announce our presence. After a couple moments, he returned to the entrance and gestured us in.
Celestia was sitting tall on her throne, a stack of documents sitting to either side of her. She smiled as we entered. “I was expecting Spike, but what brings you before me, Joe?” I bowed low before replying.
“I'm here to speak with you about a few things regarding the future that are best said in person, as well as give a counter-proposal for my salary as Royal Liaison.” I held up the paper I had written on the train, and quickly stifled a yawn as she took it in her sun-yellow aura.
Her eyes quickly widened as she scanned the paper. “So, you're saying this 'Q' is going to be attacking Equestria sometime in the future?”
“The only thing I can guarantee is that the when will be after the Grand Galloping Gala Twilight is going to get tickets for, and that the Elements of Harmony will be effective. The event will be quite a lesson for Twilight and the others.”
“And how bad will things get?”
“To be honest, Your Highness, it will be disastrous, but with some help, I'm sure the Mane Six will pull through.”
“The Mane Six?”
“Ah, yes. That's what we use to refer to Twilight and her friends.”
“In that case, I will make careful note of this upcoming event and keep a watchful eye for Q. Now, what's this counter-proposal of yours?”
“From what I can tell, though I'm not certain, one Bit is equivalent to one dollar from my world, maybe two. And I cannot in good conscience take take that much money for doing so little. As I recall, my job as liaison has only two main tasks: reporting the goings-on in Ponyville to you and make announcements of royal decrees. Otherwise, I am to live my life without any other obligations.”
She blinked. “So... You came to ask for less money?”
“I have. I believe twenty Bits a week should suffice.”
“But that little will leave you homeless for almost half a year. Ninety Bits a week.”
“All of Ponyville is my home, and my friends don't mind me staying with them until I can afford my own place. Twenty-five Bits.”
“Let's just cut the haggling. I will give you fifty bits a week. Once you find a house you want, I will reduce that to twenty-five until that house has been paid for in full.”
I mulled it over. “I'm still not sure I like it, but very well then. I shall go house shopping over the next week.”
“There is one more thing before I let you go. What do the words 'Anno Domini' mean?”
“Anno Domini means 'In the Year of Our Lord,' and is used to preface the year. Such as the fact that when I came from was 'AD 2013.'”
“And who is your lord?”
“The lord it references is actually a deity. I'll write up a summary of what Christianity is and send that along with my next progress report. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?”
“Our calender also uses the term 'AD,' this year being '2010 AD. However, ours stands for 'After Discord.'”
“Curious. Most stories I've read put this year as 1000 CR, for 'Celestia's Rule' or something similar. What do you use for the years before?”
“BP, for 'Before Princesses.' Though, any attempts at measuring the years during Discord's reign prove fruitless, so any records of something before that time are simply marked as 'Unknown BP' or similar.'”
By this point, Spike was starting to fidget, so I decided to wrap things up. “Thank you for your time, Your Highness. I'd best let you get on with teaching Spike not to send everything he sneezes at.”
“I'll send one of the guards with you to help you find your way around Canterlot. You will receive a letter when it is time to leave.” I bowed and was escorted out by one of the guards, who looked oddly familiar. It took me a moment to place him.
“You're Shining Armor, aren't you?” I asked.
“You know who I am?” he asked, surprised.
“It took me a moment, but I recognized you from your distinctiveness, in comparison to most of the guards.” It seemed that at this point in the timeline he hadn't yet become Captain of the Royal Guards.
“So, what are you, if that's not too rude?”
“Not at all. I'm a human, a race from another reality.” I had to be careful of my words. Discord could be listening in already.
“Are there any ponies there?”
“Not in the same way there are here. On our world, humans are the only known sapient species. Much to our detriment for the most part.”
“Why's that?”
“You'll have to take this with fact that I don't much care for my own kind, but, to put it lightly, we're a violent race.”
“Violent?”
“As a whole, humanity has killed more of each other than any other species on Earth, our planet. Individually, we have plenty of people who don't fight at all, or those who will only fight if necessary, but our eras are defined more by the wars fought than by the peace times.” By now we had reached the exit of the castle. “This may seem mildly non-sequitur, but where's Aerie Street?”
“Here, let me show you. So, if your people are so violent, how did you survive the Windigos?”
“Our world doesn't have Windigos. If we did, Earth would probably be a lot more like Equestria.”
“Equestria's not completely peaceful, either. Otherwise, we wouldn't need guards and soldiers.”
“Oh, I realize that. But it is more peaceful than Earth. In fact, when I disappeared from there, my nation was fighting another nation across the sea. At least I think we still were. I never watched the news to find out.”
“Why were you fighting?”
“It really boils down to the fact that, unlike them, we let everybody be whomever they want, well aside from criminals, whereas they want everyone to follow their strict doctrine and they're willing to die and kill to destroy the freedom we enjoy. Personally, I'm a big fan of 'live and let live.'”
“It sounds harsh.”
“It's nothing compared to some of the monsters we've had. I don't think I'll go into them, though. It's not something you should deal with.” Even with the potential atrocities cause by Discord and maybe in the battle against Nightmare Moon and King Sombra, the ponies of this day and age would almost never be prepared for stories of Hitler and his ilk.
It wasn't long before Shining Armor and I made it to Aerie Street and I began to search the area for the griffin-run shop the Princess had mentioned. It turned out to be easy to spot, as the proprietor was visible from the street through the oversized windows on the front.
“This is the place you were looking for?” Shining Armor asked.
“Yeah. That's something else about humans. We're not all vegetarian like ponies. There are a few people who have chosen to be, but I'm afraid I need more than greenery to get by.” at his startled look, I added. “The Princess already knows, so don't worry about it.”
“Humans don't eat ponies, do they?”
“I've heard that in other countries they might sell horse meat, but remember that on Earth, we're the only sapient beings. If ponies and horses started talking to us, we'd probably let them alone.”
He still looked warily at me as I entered the shop. I wasn't surprised that he decided to stay behind.
“Velcommin to Graf fon Einzbern's Griffin Emporium! Vhat can ve do for you?”
Fascinating. A German accent. If anything, I expected a French accent like Gustav le Grand.
“Gütenmorgen! My name is Joe McCord and I'm here to arrange for some food delivery for myself.”
“Truly? Und vhat makes you dink I haff such a service?”
“Well, I know there are plenty of griffins in Equestria, and I doubt they all live in a city or town with a griffin shop. So I expect there must be some sort of delivery service at one of them.”
“Ha! You are an intelligent one. Ja, ve haff delivery. Vhere do you live und vhat is it you vant delivered?”
“I'm a resident of Ponyville, though I currently don't have a permanent address. Derpy will be able to find me, though. As to the food itself, I prefer chicken and fish.”
“Und how much do you think you'll need per delivery?”
“Well, I usually only eat twice a day, and in larger than usual portions...” I looked at the portions in the counter/case before pointing at each of them. “I'd say four of each of this and this, once a week.”
“Once a veek for dose? Vell, I belieff dat much vill come to about ten bits a veek.”
“Excellent. That fits well inside my budget. Well, once I get my first pay. Which I presume will be at the end of this upcoming week.”
“Excellent! I'll send an address you can send the fee to vith the first shipment.”
“And I should have a permanent address to send back. Denke shoen. You know, I'm surprised you haven't asked what I am yet.”
“Vell, vhen one has had dragons und diamond dogs as customers, one tends to not ask qvestions.”
“I see. Well, in any case, thank you for having me! Aufvedersehen.”
“Aufvedersehen!”
With a wave, I left the store. Shining Armor was still there, and seemed to look less pensive than when I had gone in.
“So, you know the griffin language?”
“Back home it's called German. And I only know a smattering of it in any case.”
“And here I thought your people might be related to griffins. It would explain some of what you've told me.”
“No, humans are, scientifically speaking, related to primates. It'd be more interesting if we were related to griffins. Some of us might have wings. I'd like to try flying some day.”
“So there's only one kind of human?”
“Physically, yes. Mentally, well, we've already been over that. I'm not a prime example of the human form, though. I'm fatter than some, but skinnier than others, shorter than my dad and sisters, but taller than my mom and grandparents, that sort of thing.”
“So not everyone looks like you.”
“Yeah. It'd be creepy if everyone looked exactly the same. Although, I suppose that if everyone had always looked the same, then it would be normal instead of creepy.” He looked at me oddly before shaking his head and continuing to walk beside me. “So!” I clapped my hands. “Any place in Canterlot you'd recommend, now that I have my only errand done?”
“There's a few touristy spots, sure. I'd be happy to take you to a few of them.” The first place we visited was the Solar Square, which was apparently the place Princess Celestia raised the sun during the Summer Sun Celebrations that occurred in Canterlot.
We spent the rest of the day enjoying the city, with a stop for lunch where I was introduced to Cadence. Apparently, she worked at a cafe when she wasn't foalsitting. I knew it was Cadence instead of Chrysalis thanks to the aura of her magic being its true cyan colour instead of Chrysalis' poisonous green.
Shining Armor and I had a good time, which I found amusing that he was basically getting a paid break to “guard” me. While we were travelling around Canterlot, we the topic eventually got around to Twilight and I had to explain to him the reason behind my job and my foreknowledge. When he asked, and he eventually did, I told him that he should definitely pursue Cadence. He said he might have made the same decision eventually, but he wanted to make sure.
It was about four in the afternoon when a letter appeared in a trail of sparkly smoke, alerting us to return to the castle. We hurried on our way back, and met Spike and the Princess still in the throne room, a jar of sneezing powder and a pile of ash beside Spike. Spike was holding a whisk broom and dust pan, just starting to clean it up.
“How was your day, Joe, Shining Armor?” Princess Celestia asked.
“It was fine, Your Highness. I ran some errands, and then went to see the city. It's an interesting place, if a bit bright for my tastes,” I replied.
“Perhaps you should return at night sometime, the city glitters like a reflection of the night sky.”
“Perhaps. Speaking of the night sky, how is Princess Luna faring?”
“My sister is still recovering from her ordeal, but I am confident that she will be back on her hooves and working on the night sky again within a month. She's much better at it than I am.”
“Considering what I've seen of it the past few nights, it must be truly majestic under her influence.”
“Indeed it is.” A scroll floated over to me and I took it. “This is an official document declaring your position as Royal Liaison, and allows you free passage to or from Canterlot.” A small jar with a green flame floated beside me after. “This flame is similar to Spike's, and can send or receive letters, though the only target is me.”
“Thank you, Your Highness. I will send word when I have a home, and next week when I have a report.”
With another bow, Spike and I left the throne room, leaving Shining Armor to give a report on our activities for the day.
“So, does the sending require concentration now, or is it like a switch?” I asked as we walked down Main Street to the train station.
“It's a bit like a switch. We practiced with unnecessary documents until I was able to burn them all with a sneeze or send them to myself with a sneeze. Before, I had to concentrate to get normal fire over messenger fire, and keep that concentration the whole time.”
“Sounds neat.”
We boarded the train with my new pass and headed back to Ponyville. I took a nap that lasted until sundown and spent the night watching night sky, followed by the storm over Ponyville as the train grew nearer.
When we disembarked, the clouds were being swept away in the early morning, and I was yawning as the two of us headed for the library. It turns out that the night we were on the train was the night of “Look Before You Sleep,” as Twilight had a letter to send to the Princess when we arrived. I asked Twilight if I could spend the morning here, in a sleep sort of way. She agreed and I practically staggered up the stairs, took the coves and pillows off the guest bed before laying down on the floor and falling asleep. I'll start house shopping when I wake up.
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YAY!!! Starting to be my favorite story, hope it doesn't end!
2550547
To be fair, the Doctor had his companions and the TARDIS, plus, being over 900, he has a lot more that he knows.
Arthur Dent... Okay, that's a more apt comparison, but he still had Ford Prefect, whom he knew.
2636928
In truth, I didn't really care about the picture at all. It's not the important thing to me when it comes to writing. My dad told me a few things I could do to improve the picture, but, as I said, it wasn't that important to me.
2637107
Not much different than the stories that start from Boast Busters and just add Trixie to the episodes, right?
2645196
Thank you! But, as they say, all good things must come to an end. But this won't be over for, hopefully, quite some time.
2658992There is a dark side to everything, is there not? "For every light, there is a shadow-MYSELF
I certainly hope this story explores the more positive aspects of humanity....there are so few HiE stories where humans are correctly depicted as being more orderly than chaotic. This irritates me, but at the same time (and I grant leeway for this) is seen through the eyes of a young kid who really doesn't know much about the world other than what is spoon fed them.
I apologize about the rant. I've traveled the world and I think humanity is in a much better place than it was seventy years ago.
I'm just wondering if Discord already knows about Joe.
ICR who said "war is the natural state of humanity. Peace is a theoretical state whose existence we deduce by virtue of the fact that not all nations are fighting all the time"
I AM FULLY CHARGED