Chapter 15: August 30-September 1, Green Isn't Your Color
Yet Another Human in Equestria Story
By: Bardic Knowledge
Chapter 15: August 30-September 1, Green Isn't Your Color
Clack!
My arm vibrated as Trixie's levitated training sword impacted the shield on it, and I swept it aside with the shield and lunged, the tip of my own training sword (made of wood heavier than the real sword that had been forged for me) barely brushing her mane as she ducked down. Immediately after, I brought the sword back in time to block a swing from Trixie's other sword.
To explain, I had gotten The Hobbit to the publishers (including an appendix with definitions lifted from The Complete Guide to Middle Earth) a few days ago, just in time for my commissioned sword and shield to arrive from Hoofington. And so, Trixie, having been taught some unicorn sword techniques while working at a theatre, had begun my instruction in swordplay. She preferred to fight florentine, but still knew sword-and-board techniques.
She tended to aim for the bruises I already had from the previous day's training, too, to get me to close the holes in my defences. I had a lovely welt just above my ear still lingering from two days ago. I almost thought she was taking out her lack-of-romance frustrations on me.
“Well done,” she said, sitting back, moving her training swords to float beside her. “Your spatial awareness is coming along nicely.”
I settled back, keeping my shield up in case this was a “don't let your guard down” test. Dark Souls rules 1 and 2: Keep Your Shield Up. After a few moments, Trixie nodded and sheathed the swords, acknowledging my readiness, prompting me to put my own equipment away.
“We're done for this afternoon. Now, I believe there was some shopping to do?” We started back towards the house to hang up the training equipment in the pantry, then turned and headed back out.
“Yeah, we're out of eggs, carrots, milk, and some of those leafy greens you seem to enjoy so much,” I said, checking the shopping list in my pocket, smirking as I saw Trixie blush lightly out of the corner of my eye. To explain, again, Trixie had a tendency to set fire to the cooking oil when frying hay (the recipe was in Spike's cookbook); I barely averted a house fire the first time by tossing some greens into the pan and keeping her from pouring water on it, knowledge gleaned from Good Eats (the show) and SHUFFLE! (the anime).
Turns out she did enjoy the now-fried greens, too.
Anywhoozle, reaching town revealed an interesting sight: Rarity had a rack of pony clothes in the park, Fluttershy looking nervous beside her in what looked to me like a disco suit.
“Oh, dear,” I muttered. “I need to talk to Fluttershy for a moment, excuse me.” I walked away as Trixie looked on with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh, Joe, we haven't seen you for a while, how are you?” asked Rarity.
“I'm doing all right. Trix and I are just out shopping and I thought of something I needed to say to Fluttershy.” Fluttershy looked up at me. “If you ever need a place to hide away and relax, my door's always open.”
Both ponies looked at me with confusion, but Fluttershy nodded in acknowledgement anyways. I waved as I left.
“Future event?”
“Yep. We've got a reluctant celebrity in the park, so I gave Shy a standing invitation to pop in if she feels overwhelmed, which she will.”
“So how is Twilight involved in this?”
“Both of them confide in her to keep their disgruntlement with the situation a secret, and she Pinkie Promises them not to say anything. The fun part is that this episode really reflects Pinkie's ability to bend reality.”
“I know she can predict impending events, but bending reality?”
“For instance...” I glanced around, and noted the openness of the marketplace. You'd be able to see anypony coming from this spot. “Losing a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose a friend-”
“For-EVER!” finished Pinkie, as expected, popping up between me and Trixie.
“Hey, Pinks.” I greeted, Trixie looking wide-eyed in amazement.
“What's up?”
“A direction.”
“Right, how silly of me! Anyways, you called?”
“Just showing Trixie your ability to ignore the laws of physics.”
Trixie managed to find your voice just then, “How did you... You didn't walk up or teleport! You were just... there!”
“Oh, that's nothing. At the end of the episode she shows up in a mirror without being in the room itself.”
“I do? That sounds fun. I wonder if they eat dessert first in the mirror world.”
“Hey, if you have Wonderland Pasta, bring me some.”
“Okie Dokie Lokie!” Pinkie said, before hopping off into the distance.
Trixie shook her head in amazement. “That is the strangest pony I have ever met. How does she do that?”
“I don't know. She already denies knowledge of the Fourth Wall, so it isn't something like that. But, maybe someday, I'll find out.”
We continued through the market, only taking an hour or so to get everything on the list, plus a couple extra spur-of-the-moment items. On the way back, we both noticed Rarity trudging along towards Carousel Boutique, the rack of clothes and the changing screen floating alongside her seeming almost despondent themselves.
I took a deep breath, looked away, and kept walking.
“Not even going to reassure her?” Trixie whispered.
“I've decided that to really adhere to my non-interference policy, and to keep my foreknowledge from driving me back into depression, that when an episode comes up I'm going to go about my business as normal, and pretend that nothing special is going on unless somepony actually asks for my help.”
“And yet you extended a standing invitation to Fluttershy.”
“That's... Okay, you got me there, but fame isn't all it's cracked up to be from the shy point of view. The reason I wanted to be a voice actor was because I enjoy acting, but I never wanted to be famous. I've seen what fame can do to people.” Paparazzi, drugs, alcohol... I wanted none of that, especially the media side of things. “I'll still lend a hand when I can, but I can't hold theirs – you know what I mean – if they're to learn anything.” Once again that phrase flitted through my head and I chuckled.
“What...'s so funny?” She'd already learned my “the word” game.
“That same phrase seems to be the running gag of my life so far.” I snorted. “Then there's the silly-yet-morbid version that doesn't have a right time to say when teaching someone.”
“Silly-yet-morbid?”
“Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.”
Trixie missed a step, stumbling slightly as she processed that. “Is that what passes for humour on Earth?”
“Depends on the audience, really. I prefer deadpan snarking, decent puns, deliberate randomness, and tasteful slapstick.”
We continued to chat on the way home, and I, at least, was well aware of the impending Flutter-craze.
---
“Joe, have you seen this?” asked Trixie, coming back from work the next day (or two, depending on how you calculate the next day). In her magic was a bottle of something with Fluttershy's image on it.
“Considering I don't do much with alcohol, probably not. But, I know what you're on about, and it's an expected development,” I said. I had a scroll spread over the dining room table, notes for my first Active Exploits campaign written on it. It was something I had planned back on Earth, but I hadn't managed to interest my friends in it enough to actually get to play it.
“So this is what you were talking about. I would have expected Fluttershy to back out of something like this immediately.”
“Unfortunately, due to Rarity's ambition, Fluttershy feels she absolutely has to stay in the spotlight.”
“That... Doesn't really make sense.”
“I know, but it's what's going on. Fluttershy doesn't want to tell Rarity otherwise because Rarity insists that it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and 'she must.' And Rarity can't really live in the spotlight through Fluttershy like she hoped, so she becomes jealous, and doesn't want to tell Fluttershy because she thinks Fluttershy is enjoying it.”
Trixie stood there in silence for a few seconds before shaking her head. “Well, I'm off to bed. I had a tough night.”
“Alrighty. I'll likely be off to bed soon myself. Have a good sleep.” Trixie yawned and waved a hoof as she headed off to the back room. After waiting a couple seconds, I pulled out my anthropomorphizing spell notes, which now included a rough sketch of two average human bodies, one man and one woman.
I rolled up the Active Exploits scroll and then lay down the other and continued writing detailed notes on the inner anatomy of each body as best I could. When I talked to Twilight the night before (while Trixie was at work), she said that any theoretical transmutation spell required in-depth knowledge of the end result, which caused me to draw on my meagre knowledge of the human body.
Hell if I could remember what a spleen does.
Thankfully, I did have passing knowledge of most of the human body (both kinds) and was able to amplify that with the memory spell. Twilight herself said that, while she was good at all kinds of magic, she had only mastered the divination, abjuration, and enchantment schools and had been working next on her conjuration spells.
Yes, they use the Dungeons & Dragons schools of magic. Surprised me, too. Naturally, Trixie is a master illusionist but knows a couple conjuration spells that she learned from Twilight.
Anyways, once the spell was properly developed (there was a transmutation professor she was going to send my notes to), any unicorn with sufficient magic would be able to cast it without too much trouble. I checked my watch and finished a paragraph on the skeletal structure of the human body (who knew I'd be getting this much use out of Health class?), before heading off to bed.
Soon.
---
I was awoken a few hours later by a quick rap on my door. I opened it to find Trixie, looking about as bleary-eyed as me, with Fluttershy beside her.
“To much a-a-a-a-all ready?” I yawned.
“Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, too.”
“Nah, I've gone twenty-four hours without sleep before, and I got by in high school with only five hours a day. I'll be fine.” I hope. “Tired of being famous already? It's only been, what, three days?”
“Not that you're one to talk,” Trixie retorted. “You told me yourself you don't like fame.”
“True enough. I'm actually rather surprised we haven't gotten tourists in Ponyville looking for the 'alien.'”
“Ponyville isn't much of a tourist trap to begin with, so there's not likely many ponies out there to spread the word.”
“Understandable, I suppose.” I heard a knocking sound and cocked my head. “Let's go see who that is shall we? Fluttershy, you stay back here.”
Turns out it was the paparazzi, looking for Fluttershy. They all flinched at me opening the front door.
“Yes?” They all stared at me, mildly horrified. Or stunned or something. After a couple moments, I raised an eyebrow. “Well? You're the ones who knocked on my door. State your business or bugger off. Better yet, do both.”
A few of them did in fact take off, and the one closest to the door raised his camera and took a picture of me before doing so. The next closest media pony cleared his throat and said, “We're looking for Fluttershy. The, the model?”
“And what makes you think she would come here? I don't get many visitors out here, and that's the way I like it.” Mostly true. If you count being visited by the same ponies repeatedly as not many visitors.
“N-never mind, sir. We'll, we'll leave you alone.” And with a few more pictures, the reporters flew or galloped off. I smirked, content in my “intimidation.”
“Ach, she is in here!” rang out a voice. I tensed up as Photo Finish and her assistants zipped onto the porch. “Move aside, creature, my star is in this house.” I stopped smirking.
“What-”
“I said move aside! I must make the magics with her, and you are in my way!” Before the fashion photographer could force her way in, I felt myself get tugged away from the door and it closed in front of me.
“Well, isn't she the persistent one,” Trixie commented, her horn still aglow from magically pulling me.
“I'm surprised she's here.”
“Oh, um, it's part of the magic contract I signed. As long as I work for Photo Finish, she knows where I am,” said Fluttershy, slowly coming out of the back hall.
“Well, I guess that's one way of making sure you're not late.”
“FLUTTERSHY!” shouted Photo Finish. “YOU MUST COME! WE HAVE THAT THING AT THE PLACE!”
“Well, that's informative,” I snarked. “I guess, if you must, you must.” At those words, Fluttershy's ears drooped. Oops.
“I must,” she said sadly, then trotted to the door and opened it. “Thank you for trying to help, Joe.” The door slowly clicked shut.
*SMACK*
My head whipped forward as Trixie magically slapped me on the back of the head.
“I know, I messed up. Thanks, boss.”
“What?” Trixie looked nonplussed.
“It's a reference to an Earth television show called NCIS. I typically refer to what you just did as a 'Gibbs Slap,' and Gibbs himself is called boss by his people. Anyways, there's not a whole lot I can do at this point that would help beyond what I've already tried. At least this time Rarity didn't get snubbed by ponies searching for-”
Somepony knocked on the door, so I opened it up.
“Is she still here?” asked Bon Bon. “I heard-”
“No.” I closed the door. Then I opened it back up. “I'm sorry, that was rude of me. But, still, the answer is no. She had a thing at a place.” I closed the door again, more gently, turned to Trixie and finished my earlier sentence. “Fluttershy.” Trixie smirked and shook her head, then glanced at the clock.
“I should get going myself. I have another magic lesson with Twilight.”
“Alrighty then. Have a good time.” I waved as she went out the door, then watched as she galloped away. Once she was out of sight, I once again started working on my anatomy scroll.
It was about three hours later when Trixie finally came back, and I had been working on my sword work on a dummy for a full hour by then, not wanting her to catch what I was working on and expecting her back a half hour ago. So, I was rather tired when she told me that she had made a promise with Twilight to go to a fashion show that evening.
“You better dress nicely,” she said. “And shower, you smell like you've been working out since I left.”
“Why are we going to a fashion show?” I asked, hanging my practice sword in the pantry.
“Because I promised Twilight I would be there.”
“Alright. So why am I going to the show?”
Trixie grinned maliciously. “I'm going to need a stage hand.”
---
“You're sure this will work?” asked Fluttershy.
“My dear, I've been humiliating ponies for years. If I can't shock this crowd and get you out of the modelling business, no one can,” Trixie hugged Fluttershy. “But remember, I'm doing this because you asked me to, so no complaining about your reputation. Joe, are you ready?”
“I am indeed,” I was still chuckling about Trixie's plan and my part in it. I hugged Fluttershy as well, and Trixie and I stepped into the audience, to make it easier for her to read the crowd. Twilight was already in the audience, and we sat down beside her.
“Now it's time for you to learn from me,” whispered Trixie. “Watch a master illusionist at work.”
As Fluttershy started across the stage, Trixie's horn softly glowed under her hair, styled specifically to hide her horn, and Fluttershy seemed to molt, all the feathers falling off her wings. Fluttershy gasped as the music stopped with a screech. Or at least she tried, instead crowing like a surprised chicken.
As the crowd fretted over the sudden disfigurement and odd noise, the next step in Trixie's plan took form, the tingle of my lips being my cue.
“What's happening?!” I exclaimed, only my voice, deeper than normal, emerged from Fluttershy's mouth. “No! Not again!” My voice's pitch was somewhere between Blu Mankuma's and Keith David's, because, try as I might, I can't actually imitate Blu Mankuma's Flutterguy.
As the now completely illusory Fluttershy scrabbled about in panic, the fancily-dressed ponies began gossiping and muttering to themselves. I overheard one nearby commenting on the “not again” part.
“Oh, oh my,” Illusion-Shy said, “I-I didn't want-” Trixie's magic stopped tingling on my lips, stopping my part at that point, as she used a ghost sound spell to imitate Fluttershy's voice - “anypony to know! Oh dear.” The illusion's bald wings flapped as it attempted to pick up its fallen feathers, instead scattering them everywhere, eventually tripping over its own hooves and flattening itself over the stage.
I heard hoofbeats as the crowd started leaving, but there was one Spanner In The Works I had to head off. I nodded to Trixie as I stood up, leaving the rest of the show to her. Just around the corner was Rarity, looking stupefied at the stage.
“Rarity,” I whispered, kneeling in front of her. “I need you to follow me backstage.”
Rarity nodded, still stupefied, but followed me anyways as the one member of the crowd began berating Photo Finish about the lacklustre model. I was tempted to stop and say something, but I had no idea what to say and so we continued to Fluttershy's dressing room, where the real Fluttershy was waiting with Twilight, who had a hoof in her mouth.
“Fluttershy? But- you-”
“Trixie is very good, isn't she?” said Fluttershy, smiling.
“But why? I thought you were happy?”
“I'll leave you to this,” I said, and backed out of the room. There was a brief flicker in the corner of my eye as the illusion flicked open the curtains (sort of) then vanished abruptly. I decided “what the heck” and stepped out immediately after. There were maybe five or six ponies still in attendance, not counting Trixie.
“Well, that was interesting. Shall we off?” I bowed to Trixie.
“Indeed we shall,” she replied, returning my bow in the pony fashion before following me out of the building.
Not how I expected this to go. And why did it feel like I had heartburn?
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Oh god, parasprites. Please Joe, kill those fuckers before they eat everything.
3318306
Oh, half of canon gets mixed up in originality once we get past Lesson Zero. Having read plenty of Time Travel stories, the me in the story knows better than to change things in such a way as to invalidate the important things.
Like Discord.
3318320
Well, I can assure you that things will be resolved a bit quicker than canon at least, because both Trixie and Joe know what they are (even if he/I refer to them constantly as flying tribbles), and they join Pinkie in her Parasprite Parade.
Oh good, Pinkie found the pasta. Now all Joe needs is some wine made from reannual grapes, and he'll be all set.
An excellent chapter, and a great use of adjustment without disruption. I look forward to the plague of puffballs. I wonder if our hero will be helping Pinkie.
3318862
Somehow I figured you'd be the one to get it. It'll be interesting to try and insert certain episodes into the background of things, like Stare Master, which mostly takes place in the Everfree Forest. At night.
3327077
I'm afraid I don't quite understand your meaning.
3327185 I take that back.
By FLYING TRIBBLES!!! do u mean parasprites?
3338419
Yes.
3341027 why are your sentences so short?
3341294
Because I don't have much to say and there's a broken button on my keyboard.
3343352 Oh that makes sense
Pie
3343492 Ur sounding like I'm your NO.1 stalker
3356372
I'm glad you liked what I did with Trixie (and yes, Magic Duel is now a null-time event). The main thing, though, isn't so much non-interference with the future as it is letting Twilight learn her lessons.
3357015
Thing is, there isn't anything in the category of pony R34 (except for humanized) that appeals to me. And I try to stay clear of the humanized stuff as well because I don't want anything R34 to taint my pony enjoyment.
3359542
That's exactly the image/sound in my head when I wrote that.
Hmmm. I just recognized that the only one who went even more dumbfounded if not critizised and blamed for her poor work... would be Photo Finish right?
Just to compare her fate: In the canon Rarity applaudes Fluttershy for her "performance" and revitalizes the recognition of the audience for Shy.
They have their little talk backstage and then Photo finish bursts in to tell them that they did great together and that she would have 2 contracts/arrangements ready for both of them. They decline and walk away. Suffice it to say, Fluttershy simply quit her job or rather silently "retired" from her model career, but still with all the recognition from her fans... Which musst have been good for Photo Finish since she wasn't... well blamed for making a mistake in her choice.
But in this version, Fluttershy humiliated herself, without any assistance from Rarity, leaving the audience shocked, perplexed even disgusted. Photo Finish blamed herself for making the wrong chioce, probably earned alot of glares and disappointed looks from the attendends, to finally be left ashamed and in doubt for her talent (maybe even similar to "flat mane" pinkie).
I mean this "scandal" probably was really bad publicity for her career as model agent.
Canon>> Decent ending, PF didn't get her models, but wasn't left with a scandal to deal with.
This story>> PF gets all the blame, even her own, a scandal is produced and she will have to deal with the aftermath (media, Q&A etc) hence, bad ending for PF.
... Please Y'all give a moment of silent sympathy, for poor Photo Finish, who was left with a bad fate, due to human interferences.
....
May Celestia bless her innocent soul
3360809 I was thinking the exact same thing by the end of this. She doesn't deserve that absolute s-storm coming her way after this debacle.
3356444
I like it too considering it would have saved a lot of trouble if they had been honest about their feelings. At Trixie won't put that necklace on.