• Published 6th May 2013
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Yet Another Human In Equestria Story - Bardic_Knowledge



Waking up in Equestria is a common plot for Brony fanfiction, but what if you woke up with practically nothing but what you knew and a set of pyjamas?

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Chapter 11: August 7, 12, Applebuck Season

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 11: August 7, 12, Applebuck Season

It had started like any other mind-numbingly boring day. I was starting to run out of material to read, and writing books I'd read wasn't going to cut it for much longer. Trixie and board games helped a bit, but...

It's surprising how much I depended on certain things to while away my time that didn't exist in Equestria, like my computer and TV. The Ponyville Theatre wasn't much help, the shows being a bit too saccharine for my tastes.

Anyways, I was just saying it was a normal day. I was in town visiting Rarity, while Trixie was over to Twilight's for a bit, when the ground started rumbling. I blinked in confusion for a second as I thought back to whether then were any earthquakes, when I heard Dash's shout:

“STAMPEDE!”

After banishing the image of Robin Williams' Genie shouting the same thing, I knew exactly what was going on. It's the start of Applebucking Season. Curious how it happened so soon after I mentioned it. Maybe I could head this off... No, not if I was going to stick to my word about letting Twilight learn her friendship lessons unimpeded. Yeah, I had interfered with the buffalo thing, but she still learned. This lesson hinged on Applejack overworking herself.

I stood my ground as everypony else went nuts around me, cursing my promise.

“Joe!” shouted Trixie, knocking me out of my musing. “What are you doing?!” In the background I could hear Pinkie having fun with the shaking ground.

“Thinking,” I replied calmly. “Applejack will take care of this before it gets out of hand.”

“Oh. So...”

“This is an episode, yes. In fact, we're coming up on the Applebuck Season incident I mentioned. I almost wish I could interfere here, but not with my promise hanging over me. Well, there is one thing. I should warn Derpy about the Baked Bads.”

“Baked Bads?”

“Sleep deprivation does not a good cook make.” As we stood there chatting, the stampede was taken care of, and I glanced off to the side to see Applejack having a chat with the cows, who moved off at a sedate pace. The Ponyville Herd, including me and Trixie, all turned to look as Applejack reared back and galloped off into the sunset.

She wouldn't be seen in town for another five days.

---

The town hall was all decorated for an award ceremony, and I put the finishing polish on the trophy for Applejack. I was pleasantly surprised (and mildly annoyed that it took me so long) to discover an engraving shop in town, as I had experience using an engraving machine working for my Gramma and Grampa's trophy-and-nameplate business, The Showroom.

And there I go on a mostly unrelated tangent again.

“Are we all ready?” asked Twilight.

“Just one last thing,” Rarity said, levitating a large banner bearing apples. She hung it carefully by the third floor balcony before declaring “Now we're ready.”

“Is Applejack all set?”

“Hasn't been seen since the stampede,” Trixie answered.

“But she'll be here for sure,” Rainbow said confidently. “Applejack is never late.”

I sighed, “Never say never. There's a first time for everything. Another idiom relating to what's actually going to happen.”

I was getting used to being stared at for my odd comments.

I turned to face the others. “Applejack has been working almost non-stop for the past four days to buck every single apple tree in Sweet Apple Acres. She's doing it alone because Bic Mac is hurt from something-or-other. And, as I noted before, Applejack is the most stubborn being I can think of. Well, other than a Dalek...”

“So...” prompted Rainbow. Apparently, they were getting used to my extra-planar references.

“Expect her to be acting practically drunk. Interestingly, the original version of the script involved her head-butting the trees instead of kicking them, but it was felt that would encourage kids to do the same.”

“But will she be there?”

“Eventually. With a cart full of apples behind her. We'll need to give her time to get here, and I'll explain the situation to Mayor Mare.”

“I do have a speech I can give,” said Twilight, pulling a foot-thick stack of papers out of her saddlebags. I raised my eyebrows, shook my head, and turned to the others.

“What?” asked Rainbow.

“You got the word.”

“What?”

“You.” I pointed at her. “Got. The. Word.”

“...What?” Pinkie started laughing. I just shook my head.

“Mayhaps the rest of you can extol her virtues some?” I finally prompted.

“Ohhhh,” chorused the others.

Half-an-hour later, I stood behind the podium at town hall in front of a veritable sea of ponies. So glad I'm good with speaking in public. Twilight was moping about not being able to use her over-sized speech.

“Hello, Ponyvillians! Today we celebrate an outstanding member of the community who saved the town from disaster when a herd of spooked cows almost stampeded over us all. But that's not the only thing she's done or is going to do to help out around Ponyville. To illustrate, we have a couple guest speakers. Rainbow Dash?” I stepped aside as Rainbow Dash stepped up to the podium.

“Did you see Applejack's slick moves out there? What an athlete.” The crowd cheered. “Tomorrow she's gonna help me with my new flying trick, and I know it's gonna be so awesome.” I had to choke back a squee at the Dashface. She then stepped down as I moved back.

“Thank you, and next-” I was shoved aside as Pinkie interrupted me.

“I get to run Sugarcube corner for the first time!” she hopped in place for a moment as I motioned for her to go on. “And Applejack, one of the best bakers ever, is going to help me! Applejack makes everything good, so-” I paid Pinkie back and pushed her aside. Hopefully, I can keep the Baked Bads incident from occurring. Or at least turning out nasty.

“Thanks, Pinks. Next is Fluttershy.” Fluttershy timidly sidled up next to me. “You can do it, 'Shy.”

“Um, o-okay...” she whispered. She peeked over the podium. Too bad the typical advice of “picture the audience naked” would work here. They already- don't go there, dammit.

Fluttershy visibly gathered her courage and spoke, “I just wanted to mention that Applejack is also helping me this week with the official bunny census, where we count up all the new baby bunnies that were born this season. She's going to help gather them using her wonderful herding skills. And, um, that's nice of her.” With a squeak she ducked away.

“Thank you, Fluttershy. Now, I just want to let everyone know that Sweet Apple Acres is in the middle of a major harvest, so if Applejack seems rather tired, it's because she's been busy at home. And now, I turn the ceremony over to your very own Mayor Mare!”

There was some stamping applause as I stepped aside again for the mayor to take my place. “Ah-ahem. And so, with no further ado, it is my privilege to give the prize, Pony of Ponyville Award, to our beloved guest of honour, a pony of the utmost trustworthiness, reliability, and integrity.” Aren't all of those basically the same thing? “Ponyville's most capable and dependable friend: Applejack!” In a minor departure from canon, instead of Rarity pulling a curtain away to reveal nothing (I was mildly worried that such a thing would cause Nightmare Moon flashbacks), Mayor Mare gestured out past the crowd, to where you could actually see Applejack approach

“I'm here, I'm here,” Applejack yawned. She stumbled slightly, apples spilling from the baskets on her sides, eyes blinking asynchronously as she walked up the path in the middle of the crowd. Looks like I was wrong about the cart full of apples. “Sorry if I'm late.” She made it up to the stage, and turned to face the crowd. “Miss Mayor, thank you for this here award... thingy.” She trotted over to it and looked closely at her distorted reflection. Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have polished it quite so well. “It's so bright and shiny and... Heh, heh, I sure do look funny. Woo-woo.”

I jumped up to the podium as Pinkie joined Applejack in her... musings? “Thank you, Applejack, for being there when we need you most. Both during the stampede and in our everyday lives.”

“Yeah,” she yawned widely, “I like helping the pony folks...” another yawn, “and stuff.” Her eyes drooped close. I nodded sharply to Trixie, who cast her fireworks spell, snapping Applejack out of her brief snooze. “Oh, uh, yeah. Thanks!” She then grabbed one of the trophy's handles in her teeth and started dragging it off, ruining the base.

As the crowd dispersed, Twilight and the others gathered around me.

“You weren't kidding,” said Rarity. “Did you see the state of her mane?”

“This does remind me of a song, actually...” I smirked and sang a little of “Who's a Silly Pony.” “The G1 Bronies had a field day with this episode.”

“Where'd Twilight go?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“I'm guessing she's gone to talk to Applejack,” said Spike. “She was looking pretty concerned.”

“Excellent. I really wish I could've kept this situation from developing, but it's a lesson for both AJ and Twi about the fallacy of stubbornness. Now. If you'll excuse me, I have to warn Derpy about the Baked Bads.”

“Baked Bads?” asked Pinkie, as I hurried off. I heard Trixie's voice reply just as I left earshot, heading for the post office.

I hesitated for a moment at the door, unsure if I should just go in, before I remembered that it was a public building and simply opened the door.

“Good afternoon!” said Derpy. She sat behind the counter of the modestly decorated building, one eye, which had briefly flicked in my direction as I entered, focused on the stack of envelopes before her, and the other keeping track of the ones she sorted into various piles. “What can I do for you?”

“I'm here with a message-”

“Put it in the hopper and I'll get it where it goes!”

“For you,” I finished. Both eyes snapped in my direction for a moment.

“What kind of message?”

“Pinkie and Applejack are going to be working together in the near future to make muffins for Sugarcube Corner, as the Cakes are going to be out for a while.”

“Muffins?!” I held up my hand.

“However, Applejack's overworked and sleep deprived, so there's a very high chance that they're not going to turn out very good. In fact, they're going to be dubbed 'Baked Bads' by Pinkie, who, like James May, has an almost cast iron stomach.” How else could she eat burnt cupcakes like they're nothing? Wonder what she'd think of the “Bloody Awful?”

“James May?” She went back to her sorting, though one eye kept flicking in my direction every so often.

“Show host back on Earth, sorry.”

“It's alright. So, are you saying that I can't have muffins?”

“Not these ones, and I'm going to spread the word around to some others. It's just that I didn't want you to get sick from eating these particular ones.”

“And how do you know these muffins are going to be bad, anyway?” I started, then looked back on my interactions with the mailmare. We chatted every time she came by to deliver my meats, but my future knowledge had never really come up.

“I completely forgot I hadn't mentioned this to you. I know the future, somewhat. Only particular events, and I don't know when they're going to happen, but when they start, I can reliably predict what would happen if nopony interfered in the chain of events.” Hmm. May want to warn the Flower Trio about the bunny rampage, too... The only danger with Dash's stunt was to Dash and AJ themselves and they're tough enough to take it.

“And that's why you're the Royal Liaison?”

“Honestly, I wasn't expecting that, even if I am grateful to the Princes for it. But, I've got some warnings to deliver. See you Friday!”

“Have a good day!” My first decision on leaving the post office was about who to talk to first, only it wasn't a very tough one. Telling Rose, Lily, and Daisy about both would not only give them warning to protect their crop of flowers from the bunny stampede, but their panicky nature would spread word about the muffins without too much exertion on my part.

Hmm. Must check and see if Gummi Worms exist in Equestria somewhere. I remember reading somewhere that the Baked Bads weren't so bad if you substituted Gummi Worms in place of the earthworms. Haven't tried it myself, but I didn't cook much beyond noodles and microwaveable things before landing in Equestria.

Fortunately, I managed to deliver the news to the Flower Trio without making them panic aforethought, and they agreed to spread the message. It was on my way back to the house when I say a rather unusual sight: Rainbow Dash was shooting through the sky.

Okay, her flying about wasn't unusual. She spends more time hovering than walking. What made it unusual was the fact the she wasn't actually flying, just hurtling through the air.

Over-Propelled Pegasus, check.

Shrugging, I started back on my way, only for the back of my coat to get caught in a field of purple magic. Twilight marched past, horn aglow.

“This time, you're helping,” said Twilight, as she dragged me behind her. I rolled my eyess.

“Seriously, Twilight, I can't interfere too much in your lessons. You should know as well-”

“Just like you 'didn't interfere' with the Appleloosa/Buffalo Treaty?”

“I didn't want anyone getting hurt. Someone could've died from a building collapsing on them or if one of the buffalo rammed too hard into an anvil-”

“Or Rainbow getting thrown out of control into my balcony?”

“She can take it. Wingshreds, she can slam full speed into a cliff and come away without more than a lingering ache. As to the other issues that crop up, I've gotten Daisy, Lily, and Rose to spread the word about the Baked Bads and the potential bunny stampede.” Twilight stopped and glanced over her shoulder at me.

“Bunny stampede?”

“AJ and Winona scare rabbits. Rabbits charge into town, eating flowers and produce. One of the Flower Trio, Lily, I think, re-enacts the Death of Mufasa scene from Lion King, only she's not dead and rabbits aren't gazelles.”

Twilight sighed and started walking again, still dragging me behind her. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, letting my shoes drag lightly across the ground. Only a couple minutes into the journey, I felt an unusual urge to speak.

“I wish I had telekinesis. I've asked a bunch of people what superpower they'd want if they could, most said flight. I pick telekinesis because it can be used for flight. Get fine enough control, and you can do all manner of things, like pyrokinesis, or cryokinesis.”

Twilight sighed again. “Are you going to talk the whole way there?”

“Probably not. Even if I just started saying everything that came into my mind, I'd get tired of talking and shut up eventually. However, my point is, that instead letting me drag my feet, you could pick me up entirely.”

“No need.” I windmilled to catch my balance as she released my coat. “We're here.” I glanced out across Sweet Apple Acres.

“And where is she?”

“Follow the trees. She's probably at the point between the clear trees and the ones with apples still on.”

“Good idea. Can you 'port two?”

“If you don't mind getting singed. I still haven't perfected that trick since I accidentally brought Spike along the day of the Gala Ticket thing.”

“I don't mind at all.” She started and glanced in my direction before trotting beside me and her horn started glowing.

“Hold on.” With a flash of purple and a tingling sensation, I found myself in a tree.

“Well, this is interesting,” I commented. “You really don't have dual teleportation down.” I glanced up/down and smiled at Twilight's sheepish look. Another light application of magic floated me out of the tree's branches and set me down beside her.

“Sorry.”

“Hey, I agreed.” With a wave, the two of us headed for Applejack, just in time for her to bash the back of her head into a low tree branch. Shouldn't they have trimmed that? It's neck-height on Big Macintosh, and head-height on most everypony else.

“Well?” Twilight prodded me with a hoof. “Go talk to her.”

I walked up to Applejack and knelt down in front of her. “Applejack?” She turned to look at me. Oh, my. She does not look healthy. I lowered the pitch and speed of my voice. “Can we talk for a moment?”

“Can bees squawk-” I held up my hand.

“No. Can. We.” I gestured between us. “Talk.” I pointed to my mouth. “For a moment.” I pointed at my wrist.

“What about?” she asked.

“You.” I pointed at her. “Need.” I pounded a fist into my open hand. “Sleep.” I laid my head on my hands.

“Sleep? No, I gotta finish apple buckin'. If the apples stay on too long-”

“Then get help,” I said, calmly.

“What's kelp gonna do? I don't even like sea food.”

“Not kelp. H. E. L. P. Help.” Shadows, how long has she been awake? And that whack can't have helped any.

“Nothin' doin'. I'm going to prove to everyone that I can handle this. On. My. Own.” She turned towards the low-hanging branch, and I caught her before she could hit her head again. She shot me a look then glanced at the sky. “If you'll excuse me, I've gotta go help Pinkie Pie.” And with that she walked resolutely away. I turned to Twilight, and shrugged.

“Well, at least you tried. Are you sure nopony's going to be hurt by this?”

“I'm not one hundred percent sure, but I try not to be one hundred percent sure about anything. I'd say tell Pinkie to make sure that somepony taste-tests the muffins before she dares try and give them away. It'll be faster and probably easier on you if you 'port off without me.” she nodded quickly and with a flash of almost-blinding light she vanished.

In the meantime, I was heading for the farmhouse. I knocked on the door and it was answered by Apple Bloom.

“Heya, Joe! What brings ya by?”

“I'd like to speak to Granny Smith. About Applejack overworking herself.”

“I tried to stop her,” replied Granny Smith from inside the house, “but that mare's as fool hardy and headstrong as I ever was.” She came into view and flinched. “Great googlymoogly! Apple Bloom get away from it!”

“Granny, I told ya about Joe before. He's a nice guy,” Apple Bloom replied.

“Not to mention Royal Liaison to Princess Celestia,” I remarked. “How do you do, Mrs. Smith?”

She raised an eyebrow and looked at me warily before replying. “I'm fine.”

“Look, this situation with Applejack is potentially dangerous. If Twilight and I don't interfere properly here, she's going to accidentally give several ponies food poisoning.” Apple Bloom gasped.

“That bad, huh?”

“When you can't tell the difference between the words 'we' and 'bees' or 'germ' and 'worm,' you should get some rest.”

“That bad, huh?” Granny Smith's eyes narrowed.

“The thwack to her head probably didn't help matters either. If things don't change after the current situation, she could cause serious havoc in Ponyville from a rabbit stampede.”

“That don't sound like a disaster,” remarked Apple Bloom.

“It is when the rabbits eat the produce at market.” I paused and looked around. “Where's Big Mac?”

“He's at Ponyville General,” said Granny Smith. “They're checkin' on his ribs. That old plow is getting worse every time he tries to use it.” She smiled slyly. “At least, that was his excuse. I heard about that bet he had with Applejack about the Golden Delicious apples and my girdle.”

“One should never try to fool a clan matriarch. I couldn't get anything past my grandmother either.”

“So what are we going to do about Applejack?” interrupted Apple Bloom.

“Well, she does eventually come around to getting help from her friends,” I quashed the song that started playing in my head.

“No lasting damage?” asked Granny Smith.

“No.”

Granny Smith closed her eyes and breathed deep. “Then we let it happen. Sometimes, you gotta get burned to learn not to touch the stove.”

“I've at least hopefully minimized the negative effects anyways. I'll tell Twilight your decision.” I mimed tipping my hat to her and headed out the door, just in time to witness Applejack returning to the fields, a cart in tow.

Time to find Twilight.

I ran into her on her own way out of town.

“How'd it go?”

“Pinkie was the only one who had a muffin, so I got her to the hospital.”

“I talked to Granny Smith about the situation, and she said it'd be best to let it play out.”

“What? Why?”

“Sometimes you have to learn things first hand. Well, she said 'you gotta get burned to learn not to touch the stove,' but, same difference.” Twilight snorted. “But first, you need to talk to her, otherwise she'll be stuck at a dead tree for the rest of the day.”

“Right. So, what are you going to do?”

“I'll probably visit Pinkie, then get something to eat. Maybe top Spike from digging the Baked Bads out of the trash.” At that she made a face. “Exactly. He's even more of an omnivore than anything on Earth. Except maybe raccoons. No, because not even raccoons eat stone.”

By the time I finished musing, she had already started walking off, and I took that as my cue to head off to visit Pinkie.

“You were right,” she moaned, as soon as I entered Intensive Care. “They were Baked Bads...”

“Well, at least no one else got hurt, right?” I sat down beside her bed.

“Yeah...” she turned and threw up in the nearby bucket. I flinched at the visceral splat.

“Oogh. I know that feeling. There was one time I remember throwing up what looked like hot water. Went through my nose, too.”

“Please don't talk about that,” she burped. “Makes it worse.”

“Right. Sorry. Get better soon, alright?”

“I hope so...”

“In the meantime, I've got to stop Spike from getting the leftovers out of the trash.”

“Good luck with that.” With a wave, I went out the door. And arrived at Sugarcube Corner just as Spike walked out the door, a Baked Bad in each hand and apparently finishing up a third.

“Hey, Joe, want one?” He offered the one in his left.

“...No.” I rubbed my forehead. “Look, Spike. Pinkie is in Intensive Care right now because of those. Do you really think anyone who isn't an Extreme Omnivore like yourself would want one?”

“Oh. Good point. I guess they're all mine!” He dashed off with the pastries in claw, chuckling as he went.

I shifted my glasses and sighed. Should I stick around for the bunny stampede...? Immediately after I asked myself that, I was answered by a slight pang of hunger. Home for food it is.

Let's try and make a grilled cheese sandwich or two today.

For the first grilled cheese I ever made it was... bland. Might add pepper next time.

Trixie came in not long after and informed me that tomorrow we would be helping Applejack with the harvest.

Great. Physical labour. At least we would be compensated with food.

Clan matriarchs (Also Known As grandmothers) make the best food.

Author's Note:

A/N: Grah. This chapter. I got stuck so often, in part because I got distracted by Minecraft (Both the Magic Farm and New World modpacks in Feed The Beast) and Dragon Age: Origins.

Also built my house in vanilla Minecraft from memory just to prove to myself it was feasible for Twilight to build it from my memory. I got a couple of rooms the wrong size, but everyone I showed it to was impressed.

Next chapter is either going to be original or involve Pinkie Sense. Might merge the two...

Also: I want comments and a Trope Page. But if I can't have a Trope Page, I want comments!

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