• Published 22nd Mar 2013
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Labyrinth of Madness - Speven Dillberg

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Wanderers and Couriers

Wanderers and Couriers

“Scarlet, wake up,” Celestia’s voice called out fuzzily. Scarlet moaned as a headache pulsed painfully through her head. She opened one eye to see Celestia standing over with a concerned look on her face.

“I hope this isn’t one of your past rivals wanting revenge again?” she griped as she pushed herself up.

Celestia stepped out of Scarlet’s way as she stood up. “Your guess is as good as mine. All I know was some voice sounding like a filly, a young girl in your terms, told me to walk through a portal in order to save your life.”

“I see,” Scarlet said as she straightened a creak in her back. “Well, she calls herself Kata, and I can already tell that she’s a crazy son of a bitch. Apparently, she brought me and you along to entertain herself in her realm.” Scarlet looked around the area she was in. It was a dull, dark-gray stony color, not much different from the cave she was only recently in. In her scan of the area, she spotted her duffle bag and anti-materiel rifle lying on the floor.

“Now I can see why she said you were unwilling to come here,” Celestia said as she watched Scarlet walk over to her stuff.

“Pfft, unwilling? More like a straight-up denial.” Scarlet knelt down and started to rummage through her bag, checking its contents. “So thanks, I guess, for coming here even though you knew it was some sort of trap.”

“I couldn’t just let you die, not after your role in saving my kingdom. Besides, she didn’t give me much of a choice.”

“Hmph, ain't that the truth.” After finishing her analysis of her bag, a dissatisfied frown formed on her face. “Fuck.”

“What?”

“I’m missing three of my weapons along with the ammo that goes with them. But I still have everything else that I packed.” Scarlet grabbed the leather strap on the duffle bag and started to holster it up onto her back. “But my main problem is that I don’t have any good mid-range weapons to defend myself with. Only my AMR and Maria. I’m limited on ammo for my rifle, as it is, and Maria is only good against people who don’t wear any armor.”

“You still have your blade,” Celestia pointed out.

“Yeah, but I mostly use the gladius to cut my meals. I rarely fight in close quarters combat situations, and if I did I would have preferred to have a spear instead of a machete.” Scarlet let out a sigh as she placed a hand on the back of her neck, softly rubbing it. “Still, it’s better than the last time I was knocked out and woke up in different place.” She then noticed Celestia had her spear with her. “I see you brought a close friend of yours.”

Celestia glanced at the spear, then back at Scarlet. “Yes, she wanted me to have my spear, and my spear only. I don’t know why, but I guess it’s so her entertainment won’t be spoiled too soon.”

“Well then,” Scarlet began as she bent down once more and picked up her rifle. She quickly checked the magazine and firing chamber, and let it settle into both of her hands. “Let’s not disappoint her.” Scarlet started to walk forwards with Celestia trailing right behind her.


Aeron woke up in complete darkness. He was laying against a hard, jagged, and quite rough surface. Feeling his arms, he found the button to his Pip-Boy and illuminated the area around him. There were large walls stretching quite literally to the skies of wherever he was. Looking around some more, he found a familiar pony laying next to him. It - she - was a bright blue colour, had a rainbow lightn-

"Rainbow Dash?" Aeron called.

"Urgg... " she responded groggily.

Aeron moved closer and gently shook the pony, who awoke and looked around slowly. "Uhg... this isn't Twilight's house... "

"Rainbow Dash, it's me. Aeron." Aeron gently turned the Pegasus' face to his and her eyes widened in horror.

"Aeron?! I-... I'm not back in the Wastes again, am I?! Please, don't tell me I-"

"Rainbow, calm down. You're not in the Wasteland," Aeron shined the light around in, what appeared to be, a corridor.

"Then where are we... ? I had this really weird dream... This filly told me I'd be put into some maze or something... I was sorta hoping it would be a nightmare... " Rainbow rubbed a hoof on her forehead.

"I guess that's where we are. The same girl told me of such. Didn't know she'd pair me up with you, though." Aeron sighed and stood up.

"She said there'd - "

" - be others, I know." Aeron scratched the back of his head, and felt the muzzle of something familiar.

"It also appears I have weapons... I assume she wants us to either fight them, or something else in this place. Did she tell you anything that might be important?" Aeron withdrew his assault rifle and saw two clips attached to it.

"If we find the exit, we go home... She doesn't expect us to... " Rainbow Dash sighed, sitting on her haunches.

Aeron felt around his person and finally realized he had his combat armour on. Alongside that he found a 10mm pistol and a combat knife with him.

"Did she give you anything? Your sniper, perhaps?" Aeron asked.

Dash looked around as Aeron shined his light against the walls. There was nothing.

"It appears I am the only one armed. I highly suggest we get moving a bit and start planning. Who knows what we might find in here." Aeron started walking down the corridor, and Dash followed suit.

As the two made their way through the corridor, they stopped at an intersection. They had the option to keep going forward, or turn left. Aeron looked down to Dash, who only shrugged in response.

“Which way, Dash? It’s best we formulate some sort of team while we’re here.” Dash rolled her eyes.

“Flip a cap?” Sighing, Aeron searched his pockets to find one bottle cap with the scratched out “Nuka-Cola” label upon it.

“I don’t believe in luck. You’re lucky I believe in chance. Heads forward, tails leftwards.” Aeron then flipped the small cap and watched as it landed on the jagged flooring.

He flashed his Pip-Boy’s light upon it to see it landed on the side with the label - base sticking upwards.

“Looks like it’s tails. Let’s head left.” Leaning down, Aeron picked up the bottle cap and the two proceeded down the left hallway.

Upon making their way through a portion of it, Aeron noticed what looked to be a doorway. Making a light jog over to it, it revealed a large room with an illuminated green goo laying to the right of where he entered. The pip-boy’s geiger counter started to tick gently, but Aeron wasn’t too worried.

“What is that?” Dash was at Aeron’s left side, looking over at the goo.

“Radioactive waste. Harmless if we keep our distance. Might obtain a few rads. Altho-”

Hissssssss....

Aeron was cut off by that sound. The pounding of large feet could be heard nearby. Flashing his light around the room, he found a large gecko-like creature pacing its way towards him. It was mostly purple in colour, save for its white underbelly. Its eyes were a sickly fire-orange, and what Aeron would assume to be its scaly skin, was replaced by bark.

“What is that?!” Dash hushed herself immediately. The large gecko proceeded forward.

“A gecko of some sort. Didn’t think they existed. Especially this large.” Aeron stood calmly, but gripped his rifle tightly.

Hissssssss... The gecko repeated. Its tongue slivered gently out of its mouth.

“What do we do?” The Pegasus looked up at Aeron, searching for answers.

“We - ”

Before he could answer Rainbow Dash, the gecko had released a spray of flame directed at them. Luckily, Aeron and Dash ducked in time to avoid it.

“Dear God that was close!” Aeron yelled.

“Shoot it!” Dash urged.

“I will not. It’s a waste of ammunition,” he retorted.

“Do it anyways! We’ll die if you don’t!” she pushed him again.

The gecko had cornered Dash and Aeron against a wall. It took in a deep breath, about to unleash another torrent of flame...

Well... this was a good run, Dash. Aeron thought as he awaited his death, clinging to the wall for dear life.

An explosion erupted at the back of its head, causing the head to burst in a mess of brain and bone. The body fell towards the ground, and parts that were made of wood collapsed. Aeron and Dash looked down the hall to see two figures at the other end.

“Isn’t that Celestia?” Dash questioned.

“Who’s the woman next to her?” Aeron added.

Celestia and the woman were walking towards them. “Well, if it ain't Rainbow Dash,” the woman yelled out. “How’s it going?”

Celestia, on the other hand, called out, “Rainbow are you alright? And who’s that next to you?”

“Of course I’m alright.” Rainbow Dash grinned at Celestia, then pointed a hoof over at the woman next to her. “But who is that?”

The woman gave an insulted look. “Wow...I save your life, twice, and you already forgot about me? It’s Scarlet, hot shot.”

“Saved my life? The only one to do that is Aeron!” Dash’s hoof pointed up to the man wearing black armour. A shimmering white symbol could be seen upon his left breastplate.

“I’ve never seen you in my life!” she stated.

Both Scarlet and Celestia were baffled by Dash’s statement. “What the hell is going on?” Scarlet asked Celestia.

“I don’t know, but we’re soon going to find out,” she replied. Celestia looked at Aeron. “I believe you’re from the Wasteland, yes?”

Looking at the large mare, Aeron nodded. “Indeed I am. I’ve never seen you before, but Dash apparently knows you.”

“I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria. Dash is one of my many subjects, and a friend to my student.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Scarlet interrupted, “but why doesn’t she remember me?”

Celestia pondered on the thought for a few seconds. “I believe she’s from a different Equestria,” Celestia answered.

Different Equestria?” The Pegasus stared upwards at the pony princess with confusion in her eyes.

“Although it sounds confusing, there are many realms in which there is an Equestria. Many of them have share similar ponies and history, but with some major or minor differences. This goes the same for all worlds in different realms and universes. Quite confusing, but live over a few millennia and you get used to it,” Celestia giggled softly.

“That explains why you weren’t startled when you were sent to Earth,” Scarlet stated.

“For the most part,” Celestia replied.

“Well, very informative. I guess proper introductions are in order. Hello, I’m Aeron - from the Capital Wasteland. This is Rainbow Dash, from some alternative universe.” Aeron crossed his arms sarcastically.

“Scarlet from the Mojave Desert, leader of New Vegas.” Scarlet emptied the magazine from her rifle and changed it out with another. “So, I guess you’re from a different Earth.”

“It would appear so,” Aeron stated bluntly. “However, I think it’s best if we start trekking out of here. My rad meter is going up slowly, and I don’t think I want radiation sickness without some proper aid.”

Scarlet looked at her Pip-Boy. “Good idea,” she said, pointing behind her. “There’s a room not far from here, we were about to head into it before we heard the gecko’s roar and your voices. You’re welcome to tag along.” Scarlet turned around and walked out of the room.

Celestia looked at the two. “Come, whatever is going on here, it’s better stay together. Strength in numbers, after all.”

“Right. Numbers.” If I had a bottle cap... Aeron thought as he gestured for Scarlet to show him the way, Dash trotting next to the Princess.

The four proceeded through an exit across from where Aeron had entered. They started walking through what seemed like an endless tunnel, an awkward silence among them. After what felt like several minutes, they appeared in yet another room. Columns of jagged, solid, stone tore up from the ground, each and every one of them coming out at a different angle. There was a single path leading through them, but it was very narrow, only big enough to allow them to continue in a single-file line.

“I don’t like the looks of this,” Scarlet stated. “This is screaming ‘trap’. But it’s either this or the radioactive room.”

“Indeed. If it is a trap, at least we’ll die knowing it was.” Aeron kept faint optimism in his voice, holding back a sarcastic laugh.

“Then,” Celestia held up her spear, “let us proceed with much caution in our steps.”

“You’re forgetting who you’re talking to,” Scarlet griped as she holstered her rifle and pulled out her golden 9mm pistol.

“Yeah, well, credibility is completely lost here.” Aeron slowly pushed his body against the narrowing walls.

“Oh, shut up, Aeron,” Dash deadpanned.

The four uncomfortably made their way through the path. After a few minutes of narrowly going through, they made their way to the other side, which opened up considerably.

“I think Dash touched my ass,” Aeron complained.

“What?!” the Pegasus yelled.

“Yeah. I felt it. Kind of weird.” Aeron stifled a laugh, a small smirk upon his face.

“Don’t get cocky yet,” Scarlet said as she pointed an arm up. “This is just a breather.” Her arm led to another narrow path. “And if what my guts are telling me is true, an ambush.”

“Always the gut feelings. Gotta love those,” Aeron stated.

A faint creak of metal echoed through the room. “Yeah, always brings comfort to the mind.” Scarlet said as she held up her pistol.

Aeron did virtually the same; he placed his rifle upon his back and withdrew his 10mm from its holster, readying it for whatever was ahead. The creak of metal only got louder, as well of the grinding of metal against stone. “Whatever it is, it’s close,” Scarlet stated, “I just can’t tell from where.”

“Real helpful,” Aeron replied bluntly.

“Hush,” Celestia ordered, “it’s here.”

The absence of the metal noise made the air stiff and in some strange way, cold. Suddenly, something landed hard on the ground next to Aeron and Dash, and in a reddish blur, rushed by them.

“AHHHHHH!” Dash screamed in pain as she held a hoof to her side, blood pouring from four neatly-cut lines.

“What in God’s name was that?” Aeron looked over at the wounded Pegasus, then around him, keeping a vigilant eye out for the reddish blur.

Celestia instantly knelt down, her horn blazing to life. A soft yellow glow washed over Dash as the wounds began to close, but Dash was still wincing in pain. “There, that should stop the bleeding.”

“Celestia, behind you!” Scarlet yelled out.

Celestia’s eyes went wide as she took her spear and swept it a full 270 degrees. It slammed hard against something, flinging it away from the group and out into the open. The combined lights from Scarlet, Aeron, and Celestia gave the group a good look of their attacker. It was long and slender with red scales; its face was that of a night stalker - a snake being its head - with four robotic legs with which lead to it having metal claws on each of them. The stalker both growled and hissed at them, then lept onto the nearest column and ran up it.

“Alright, seeing as it can climb, I suggest we figure out how to get it the hell down,” Aeron suggested.

“Celestia, you think you can hold it down with your magic?” Scarlet asked as she kept looking upwards.

“Only if I see it,” Celestia answered as she held her spear to her side.

“Well, you know. Complete darkness and whatnot, I think that’ll be a bit hard.” Aeron tried flashing his Pip-Boy light upwards, only for it to end with darkness.

“Lets hope it can’t cloak as well...” Scarlet added.

“It looks quite fast with all the scrambling I hear up there. I think Dash is the one to keep up with it.” Aeron look over at the Pegasus, who nodded in response.

“Once we see it, Dash will try and get a hold of it and keep it on the same field as us. Then, Celestia can do her work.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Scarlet acknowledged.

The scraping of metal ceased once again as silence filled the air. The sound of metal smashing against a rocky surface resounded right in front of Scarlet, and the stalker pounced onto her. The force brought Scarlet to the ground, and the sounds of tearing fabric and the screech of metal against metal was heard. The stalker leapt off her with blinding speed, heading for another column. “Dash, NOW!” the Courier yelled.

Rainbow Dash took her cue and bounced off the floor, rocketing towards the mutated beast. Speeding up to the column itself, she dove onto its body and drove it completely away from the pillar. Hissing and the sound of metal scratching rocks could be heard as the Pegasus turned the stalker around.

“Got it! Celestia, your move!” she yelled, the stalker running full throttle towards the group.

In the blink of an eye Celestia’s horn burst forth with light, and the stalker was engulfed in a yellow aura. The vile mutation was lifted up into the air, and it desperately swung its legs, trying to grab hold of something. Suddenly a spear was embedded into its throat, and a hard yank pulled the head from its body. The head rolled for a couple of feet before coming to a stop - its lifeless eyes glaring up at the group. “It is done,” Celestia said.

“Well, that takes care of that. Let’s get the hell out of here.” Aeron holstered his pistol, gesturing Dash to come to his side.


“Sparky, it happened again, didn’t it?” Ethan asked with a groan as he rolled over onto his stomach and then rose to his knees.

He looked around himself as he rose to his feet; he and Twilight were in a small, stone room, dimly lit by a few torches. There was only one visible exit in the form of a rectangular hole on the wall, which looked like it lead to a short tunnel and a large room beyond. Ethan couldn’t make out anything in the room from where he was standing, so he turned his attention to his companion who lay on the ground next to him.

“Yeah, looks like it,” Twilight replied with a groan of her own as she got to her hooves.

“Fuck me, kidnapped. Why am I always kidnapped? Did God wake up one day and decide that I needed to be kidnapped at least once a month?” Ethan continued as he began to run his hands over his body, checking to see which gear he’d have to retrieve from whoever it was that had kidnapped him.

“Knowing you, that’s exactly what happened,” Twilight replied sourly. “And you’ve passed it on to me, too, for which I’m forever thankful,” she added.

“You’re the one who keeps hanging around with me, I’d say that it’s at least seventy-five percent your fault,” Ethan replied as his hands reached into his pockets and began feeling around for ammo.

“Oh, shut up,” Twilight told him grumpily as she pulled her plasma defender out of its holster and looked over it with a critical eye before holstering it with a satisfied nod, once she saw that it appeared to be in good condition. She repeated the process with her backup plasma pistol, as well.

“Well, I’ve got around two hundred rounds of five-point-fifty-six, and maybe sixty rounds for my Blackhawk, so I have the oddest feeling that I’ll be relying on my sword a lot during this escape,” Ethan told the unicorn, who merely shrugged. “I also have twelve stimpacks.”

“I’ve got about two hundred energy cells,” she replied. “Oh, and around ten stimpacks.”

“Good, so we’ll be set for - ” Ethan cut himself off when he glanced at his Pip-Boy screen and suddenly swore. “Fuck! Who-, or what-, ever kidnapped us drained my rads,” he growled.

“So no immediately repairing broken limbs?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah, and it means I heal slower too, shit,” Ethan said with an obvious note of frustration entering into his voice.

“Speaking of who or whatever it is that kidnapped us, what do you think it wants with us?” Twilight asked.

“Well, it sounded like a little girl, an evil one, but still a little girl, so this could all just be a misunderstanding,” Ethan said.

“You don’t believe that for a second, do you?” Twilight asked him.

“Nope, but wouldn’t it be great if it were true?” Ethan asked with a slightly rueful chuckle.

“I think it said that its name was Katastrofis, and you’ll have to excuse me if I’m disinclined to believe that anything with a name like that is a peaceful little girl,” Twilight countered.

“God, Sparky, you’re getting as cynical about this stuff as I am! If you’re not careful, you’ll start to think like me, too!” Ethan replied with a smirk.

“Faust above help me if that ever starts to happen,” Twilight snarked. Any further conversation was cut off by the distinctive sound of a forty-five/seventy Government-issue round being expended from the barrel of a gun. It came from the room at the end of the hallway.

“Well, break’s over, Sparky. Duty calls,” Ethan said cheerfully as he drew his sword.

“We’re just going to charge in there without any idea of what’s going on, aren’t we?” Twilight asked.

“Damn right we are,” Ethan replied with a grin.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Twilight replied with a slight chuckle. “Well except for the way that involved planning and forethought, anyways,” she added playfully as they began to sprint down the corridor.

“Speak not such heresy in my presence, Sparky!” Ethan replied with a smirk before they both stepped into the room.


“What are the fuck are these things!?” Thomas roared over the sound of his Sequoia, the rifle round tearing through his target with ease.

“I do not know!” Luna yelled, swinging her flail into a second, pulverising it and sending shards of bone everywhere.

The things looked vaguely human, sharing the appropriate body shape. But no humans had heads like these things did. The brows were far too small, the jaws too large and the teeth... They were horrible, pointy things, like daggers thrust into place with all the love and care of a madman. They seemed to be clad in the patchwork armour of raiders, metal spikes and leather straps barely covering their bodies.

Thomas and Luna stood close to each other as they fought off the wave of monstrosities that tried to claw and bite at them. “Luna, watch the magic!” Thomas shouted worriedly as his Pip-Boy started to tick in response to the alicorn’s radioactive magic.

The mare didn’t answer, instead focusing her magic on tearing one of the abominations apart. Thomas’s revolver roared again, and one of the monster’s heads exploded, showering the ground with blood and giblets as the large bullet punched through the deformed skull. His revolver clicked as he tried to fire it again, causing him to swear.

As he attempted to reload his large revolver, one of the monsters that had managed to get behind the pair lunged at him, making him drop his gun with a yelp. “Get the fuck off me!” he yelled, managing to roll over and send his Saturnite Fist into the creature’s jaw. To his relief, it let go. To his horror, a lot of the viscera ended up on his face, in particular his mouth. “Oh god!”

Luna barely spared the man a glance as he picked himself up, instead flinging one of the shambling horrors into the nearest wall. Before it could do anything, its existence was cut short by her flail impacting its stomach at near-supersonic speeds. “Begone, foul beast!” she yelled, watching grimly as it fell lifelessly to the ground.

“How many of these fuckers are there?” Thomas asked, reaching back to grab his brush gun. He could see at least ten more, and swore he could the silhouettes of another ten. He didn’t know how much ammunition he had with him, but he didn’t want to use any more than he really had to.

“Just focus on the fight,” the princess commanded, suspending one of the monsters in the air as she tore it limb from limb. Unfortunately, this attempt at intimidation failed completely.

Suddenly, there was a blast of force from a hallway that Thomas hadn’t seen before, and several of the creatures were sent flying away. A man in a leather duster charged into the room, a red sword held at the ready. The man quickly launched himself forward at one of the monsters and decapitated it with single strike.

The shape of an armored unicorn stepped out of the same hallway that the man had emerged from, its horn glowing with a strangely familiar purple light. One of the abominations charged towards the unicorn, but a blast of kinetic energy smashed into the creature and then passed out the backside, taking a large chunk of the creature with it.

“Hello there, this is the Ethan Smith’s Abomination Rescue Service, and I’m Ethan Smith,” the man told Thomas with a wide grin as he closed the gap between the two of them. He ducked under a claw that was coming in from the right, and stabbed his sword into the abomination’s stomach without batting an eye. “Anyways, we were in the neighborhood and decided to drop by to see if there was anything to do, and damn, I struck a goldmine!”

Thomas just stared at him, his hand still resting on his rifle’s stock, unable to come up with an appropriate response. Luna simply followed his example.

“The lovely unicorn back there is named Sparky-Sparky Boom-mare, but you can call her Sparky for short,” the man continued, seemingly oblivious to Thomas’s confusion.

“Ethan, stop talking and get back to fighting, dammit!” the unicorn shouted in a mare’s voice that was at once familiar and different from one that Thomas recognized.

“Is that who I think it is?”

“It can’t be... ”

“Fine, Sparky, I was just letting you have a little fun, for once,” Ethan shouted back while ignoring Thomas as he readied his sword. “So, want to help?” he asked, turning back to Thomas with a grin.

Thomas unslung his rifle and quickly raised it to his shoulder, obliterating one of the monsters with a pull of the trigger. “Yeah, but I’m gonna want some damn answers,” he growled, pumping the lever and ejecting the spent shell.

“You want answers? Fuck, so do I. All I know is that some bitch kidnapped Sparky and me, and then we woke up back there,” Ethan replied with a slight growl.

“Why are you with Twilight Sparkle, stranger?” Luna asked, eyeing the man with unease.

“Oh, hey there, Lulu, I didn’t notice you over there. It’s been a while, you still fucking that cat?” Ethan asked with a chuckle.

In any other situation, the sight of Luna’s eyes bugging out would have been hilarious. “What are you talking about!?” she screamed. “I have never even thought of treating a cat like that! How dare you accuse me of such things!”

“Umm, Lulu, last time I checked you fucked just about anything that moved. Come on, you remember him, I think his name’s Kane, he’s an assassin, ring any bells up there?” Ethan asked before ducking under a claw and slicing off the arm.

“Firstly, my sister is the one who sleeps around, though she keeps it a secret. Secondly, the only assassin I have ever slept with would be the one who served under me over a thousand years ago, and he was a unicorn named Shadow Strike, not some cat named Kane!” She took out her anger on one of the monsters, her flail reducing it to a pile of gore and bone on the ground as she pummelled it repeatedly.

“What the fuck happened to Twilight!?” Thomas asked loudly, catching sight of her prosthetics for the first time.

“Missile to the face, or maybe it was a grenade, it was awhile ago. Wait, how do you know her?” Ethan asked in confusion.

“Long story short, I stopped her brother from becoming a murderer.”

“Who, Shiny? Yeah I can see it, who’d he almost kill?” Ethan asked as he dodged a claw swing from one of the abominations before he sliced its belly open.

Thomas sent a right hook at one of the monster’s jaws, knocking its collection of teeth and most of its skull flying. “Changeling queen. Revenge.”

“Oh yeah, that makes sense, I’m not exactly surprised after the whole ‘sex curse’ thing she put him under,” Ethan said with a nod.

“Sex curse? What the fuck are you talking about?” Thomas asked, glancing at the man. “He had an entire squad of unicorns put together for the purpose of killing her after the whole wedding invasion attempt.”

“Perhaps this can wait until we have fought off these things!?” Luna asked loudly, flapping her wings and sending one of them stumbling.

“Fucking finally!” Twilight shouted; a swarm of the monsters were attempting to swamp her, but she was sending them flying away with progressively weaker blasts of kinetic energy.

“Oh right, coming Sparky!” Ethan shouted as he took off towards the embattled unicorn at a sprint while he dodged incoming claw-ended limbs.

Thomas instead opted to stand his ground. Somehow, he managed to grab one of the horrors by its throat, and was holding it arms length. “Fucking! Die! You! Piece! Of! Shit!” he yelled, each word punctuated by a strike from his Saturnite Fist.

“Somehow I don’t think yelling at them is going to work, good luck, though,” Ethan shouted over his shoulder as he rolled under an arm and came up with his sword embedded in one of the monster’s backs as it was about to hit Twilight from behind.

The black man quickly scooped up his rifle and dropped to one knee. With expert precision he eliminated three of the monsters trying to claw at the unicorn, one round in each of their skulls.

“Heh, not bad, kid, thanks for the help!” Ethan called over to him.

“Yes, thank you very much,” Twilight agreed once she caught her breath.

There was the sound of crunching bone and Luna panting behind them. “That is the last of them,” she muttered, pulling her hoof from the skull she had just stomped through.

“Thank Faust, I thought they’d never stop coming,” Twilight grumbled. “Oh, and I’m covered in blood again, fucking terrific.”

“Relax Sparky, you look good in red,” Ethan snarked.

Thomas went over to his dropped Sequoia and knocked loose the six spent shells. As he reloaded it, he turned to the man. “Okay, I said I wanted some answers. Who are you?”

“The name’s Ethan Smith, I told you that,” Ethan replied with a chuckle. “And I’m the Lone Wanderer.”

Thomas raised his revolver and pointed it at his face. Luna tightened her grip on her flail. “Liar. I’ve met the Lone Wanderer, and you are not her,” he growled.

“Um, yeah, I am. I was raised in Vault 101, my father was one of the scientists who created Project Purity, and I killed the fucking Enclave to a man,” Ethan retorted with an annoyed snarl.

The black man and the midnight alicorn glanced at each other. “Isn’t that what Dom told us?” Luna asked.

“Yeah. This doesn’t make sense.” Thomas lowered his revolver.

“Oh good, you put the gun down, a few more seconds there and I would’ve cut your hand off,” Ethan replied casually with a smile.

“I’d like to see you try,” Thomas replied confidently.

“Okay then, let’s go kiddo!” Ethan said as he raised his sword.

“GIRLS, CALM DOWN!” Twilight shouted, grabbing Ethan in her magic and pulling him away from the black man. “I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but what I do know is that fighting each other isn’t the right way to get out of it!” she shouted.

“Twilight is right,” Luna said serenely, calmly stepping forwards. “We were all brought here against our will, and the only way we can possibly escape is through teamwork. Put aside your petty differences.” She shot a glare at both men.

“Relax, Lulu, we’re just testing each other, it’s how men work,” Ethan told her with a chuckle. “Friends?” he asked while extending his hand for Thomas to shake.

“You do not have the right to call me that,” she muttered angrily. “And ‘allies’ would be the better word.”

Thomas grabbed the other man’s hand and tried to crush it. “Yeah. ‘Friends’.” Ethan just smirked at him and did the same.

“Stallions.” Twilight said dismissively with a shake of her head at the men’s behavior. “This reminds me why I’m with Tia,” she added.

“Yes, they can be quite - what!?” Luna squawked as the words actually registered.

“And here I thought it was the great sex,” Ethan said with a chuckle.

“Well that too, but mostly because she’s amazing,” Twilight replied.

“What are you two talking about?” Thomas asked, relinquishing his grip on the other man.

“Sparky over there is Sunny’s fuckbuddy,” Ethan replied with another chuckle and a shrug.

“That’s not possible. My sister hasn’t been in a relationship with another pony in centuries,” Luna replied, still a little shocked. “Non-ponies, on the other hoof...”

“Well you haven’t been paying much attention then, I’d think you would’ve noticed all of Sparky’s shouts; seriously, she’s loud as hell!” Ethan replied.

“Hey it’s not my fault... ” Twilight said with a frown at the man.

“Hang on.” Thomas raised his hand. “You’re not the Lone Wanderer I met, and you’re not the Twilight I met. Do you know the Courier?” he asked Ethan.

“Know her, she’s my wife!” Ethan replied with a chuckle. “Scarlet red hair, beautiful green eyes, and a penchant for castrating raiders that I find absolutely adorable.”

“That just confirms it.” Thomas sighed. “We’re not from the same Wasteland. And they’re not from the same Equestria,” he added, pointing at the ponies.

“So, am I hot where you come from?” Ethan asked after a moment of thinking.

“Dom showed me an old photo. She was hot, before she became a ghoul.”

“I do not understand human values of beauty,” Luna added under her breath.

“You and me both,” Twilight agreed quietly.

“I’m a ghoul?” Ethan asked in surprise. “Oh, now that’s odd, kind of kinky, but really, really odd...”

“She also lost her left arm to an Enclave sniper. Has a fake one. A bit like Twilight there,” he added, nodding at the unicorn.

“Hmm... Well, she got handed the short end of the stick. If I’m ever in the neighborhood, I’ll have to drop by and say hi.”

“Ethan, how the hell are you so casual about this?” The Courier just stared at him in confusion. “And don’t we have more important things to worry about?”

“Kid, once you’ve been abducted by aliens, had a really, really, really odd trip through the swamp, and stared down a virtual Chinese tank, not to mention everything I’ve done with Sparky over there throughout the years, meeting someone from a different dimension isn’t that surprising,” Ethan replied with a shrug. “As for more important things to be doing; well, do you see an exit? Because I don’t,” he asked.

“Firstly, I’m 38, not some kid,” he retorted angrily. “Secondly, you haven’t had to stare down the entire Diamond Dog military. Thirdly, for all we know there is no exit. This could be some sealed deathtrap that this ‘Katastrofis’ bitch just wants us to die in.”

“Kid, I’m 40, I have a wife and two children. And when you’ve faced the fucking Nightmare and kicked it out of your mind, then you can talk to me like that,” Ethan replied.

“Can you two please stop comparing your dicks for five minutes?” Twilight asked in annoyance.

“Yes, please.” Luna rolled her eyes, already starting to regret responding to the voice in her chambers.

“You’re all just jealous of my raw animal magnetism,” Ethan replied with a smirk. Twilight sighed and facehoofed.

Thomas just stared before turning around. “I’m not even gonna bother,” he muttered. “Can’t argue with idiots... ”

“Well then both of you SHUT up!” Twilight said irritatedly.

“But Sparky, you can’t let him have the last word!” Ethan protested.

“You can and will,” Luna commanded, finally sick of the two men’s bickering.

“And here it was just getting fun,” Ethan said with a pout.

Not bad.

“You again?” Luna asked, glaring at a point in the ceiling.

“Hey, invisicunt, fuck off!” Ethan told the voice.

But why would I do that? she asked, sounding hurt. After all, the fun’s only just begun.

“Because the longer you keep us here the more aggravated I’m going to get with you, and you don’t want to know what happened to the last bitch who thought she was strong enough to fuck with me like this,” Ethan replied with a growl. “You might’ve known her as the Nightmare.”

Her? That arrogant wannabe? Oh please, that’s the best you have? she replied dismissively. You’ll need to do better than that if you want to impress me.

“Well I did have coffee with Faust, if that counts for anything,” Ethan added with a smirk. Luna raised an eyebrow at this statement.

That old nag? Please, the voice snorted contemptuously.

“Well she was a whole hell of a lot more impressive then you are, coward,” Ethan replied with a chuckle. “I mean, what kind of cunt just kidnaps people, and doesn’t have the manners to at least give them a face to attach the hate to?”

“Ethan,” Thomas muttered, “I’d really appreciate it if you would just shut the fuck up.”

“Why?” Ethan asked in confusion.

“Because the last thing I want her to do is get angry enough at you to send a pack of Deathclaws in power armour at us.”

Ooh, how did I not think of that? Katastrofis muttered.

“Okay that’s it, neither of you are talking again until I say so,” Twilight said with a growl. Her horn flashed and both of the mens’ mouths were magically closed with zippers.

Thomas immediately began to struggle, trying his best to remove the impediment. “Twilight! how could you!?” Luna yelled at the mare.

“What? It’s a simple spell,” Twilight asked.

“Our magic is harmful to them!” the princess shouted, gesturing at Thomas.

“Um no, no it’s not.” Twilight replied with a raised eyebrow. Her horn began to glow and Ethan was suspended in a magic field, he rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, waiting impatiently for her to finish. “See, no problems.”

“His magic detector must be broken.” Luna looked over at Thomas, now much calmer, and enveloped his left arm in magic. His Pip-Boy burst into life, the geiger counter’s ticking imploring him to get away.

Ethan undid the magic zipper, breathed in a huge breath of air, and then shouted. “Your magic is like radiation, fuck yes! This means that my healing will be back to normal in no time!”

STOP IGNORING ME! Kata shouted in their heads. Her girlish voice was loud and sounded extremely annoyed.

Luna quickly removed the zipper from Thomas’ mouth, letting him speak. “What do you want from us?”

I want to see you break. I want to see you suffer. I want to see you die.

“Mhm, colour me unimpressed,” Ethan told her. Twilight just groaned; this was like what happened with Jonathan, only much, much worse.

“Do you take anything seriously?” Luna asked.

“Marriage proposals, the fucking Enclave, and the occasional dragon,” Ethan replied with a shrug.

Thomas looked at the ceiling. “Yeah, can you give us someone else to work with?”

Sorry, you’ll just have to make do, for now at least, Kata added before she broke off into a sinister laugh which slowly faded away until the room was silent once more.

“Sparky, I’m beginning to think that these two don’t like me much,” Ethan told Twilight with a hurt look and a nod towards Thomas and Luna who were glaring at him. The unicorn rolled her eyes and sighed, it was going to be a long day.

Author's Note:

According to Google, 'invisicunt' is an actual word. No, really.