Chapter 39 Haze part 1
Haze part 1
Words, just words, with nothing connecting them, no voice behind them, just words.
“... just cut it out...”
“...all...”
“...let me do it...”
“...hooves...”
“...blood... give me...”
“...Apple Bloom, you need to...”
“STOP CRYING...”
“... stopped, now we just...”
“... soon...”
“...be careful not to...”
And feelings.
“...YOU IDIOT...”
“... just grind some gems...”
“... the big knife...”
Of something cold.
“... there, now all we need to...”
“... went wrong...”
“...almost...”
“... just a little acid...”
Of something hot.
“...tie...”
“... it will grow back...”
“... need it anyway...”
“... huh, well what do you know, I guess he...”
Of something odd.
“... just shove it in...”
“... he won’t feel a thing...”
“...harder...”
Of something new.
“...throw him in the...”
“...breakfast...”
Of something nice.
“... rabbit with...”
“... and some...”
“... for the little ladies...”
Of something even nicer... warm... and wet... wrapping around him, before falling back unconscious.
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Er...
Ya jumped from chapter 38 to 41. Are there missing chapters that will be forthcoming, or did ya just miscount?
2676297
Sorry about that,
I have a few chapters with %i% in the title, and fimfic also tracks my two title chapters,
Oh, please be careful Spike Imamu, Kirabo, and Zecora.
2676408
Apple Bloom could also be "helping".
2676414 Well, I know Applebloom would be careful, it is the other three I am concerned with how they are dealing with Spike while he is unconscious.
2676435 to a person with a dirty mind that would have meant a whole different thing.
2676435 well... we all know how well the last operation she took part in ended.
2676448 oh, yea, I almost forgot.
2676456 sorry
it was hard not bring that up
well in a few hours i read this story from chapter 1 to now!
and i'll give my feedback now!
as well as pm it to you like i do with all the story's i read!
so lets get started!
Things done right:
the plot idea is fantastic! and how its progressing is well done, not to fast to feel rushed but not to slow so it feels like i reading battle of the blanks (its a grate story, and has a good progressing at the start but soon slows down to snail's pace.) you time things well and give them enough detail to picture but not enough to make a solid picture! that's a good thing by the way! half the fun of reading is using your imagination to play things out. and if you use some details to make your own vision of a character then its all the more enjoyable for the reader!
also your idea of using things from the show is good. it like you re-watched all the episodes to get their emotions down. its way to often that you see authors give new emotions to the character they use. the only exceptions are background character and Luna to a extent.
you make it enjoyable to read. its silly, cute, violent, happy, sad, and much more all in one! its just the way to wright its soothing to read. but if you can use more big words. it makes you look good, but also use context clues. cuz some of use are not a walking dictionary.
things that need work:
your verbiage, just use some more big words. but you don't need to, its grate the way it is. i just like words that make you sound smart.
your context clues, try to stay away from putting quotations in the middle of the story and work on context clues make your readers go 2+2=4 instead of 2+2=fish.
things you need to exclude yourself from doing:
the only thing i see that makes me cringe is the parts when you have spike talking in his mind but you don't label them properly. i sure that
this is external talking: "hay Nicholas! how was your day?"
and that this is internal: 'i wonder what time it is?'
and thin just italicize when Imamu is speaking in his mind.
but i may be wrong and you may be right!
2677798 thanks for the comm
and about the interior voice/ telepathy/ thinking i use standard quotation marks "outside spike's mind" plus italics "inside spike's mind"
'' apostrophes are used for book titles, and other stuff where quotation marks could confused the reader if used.
Hope you continue to enjoy the story
2677798 also the initial talk between spike and the unnamed entity (called Imamu later) are supposed to be confusing at first, they were written as that deliberately so that spike could not tell if it was something he said, thought, or was told by himself or someone else, later in the story i make a lot clearer who said what during telepathic conversations
Hey there! Scribblestick here again. Looks like you've done some rewrites, so let's pick up where we left off.
-Chapter 3-
I thought this chapter was a decent follow-up. Spike's taking action, and I like how you mimic Twi's absent-mindedness from "Spike at Your Service."
One thing I think could be improved is the description. There's a lot of dialogue, but I think this could be improved with more description of the characters' actions and movements. For example:
It's an action, which is good, but it's vague and not all that interesting. Spending a bit more time, perhaps even a full paragraph, describing the scene as Spike walks over to Twilight, would give the reader a clearer picture of what's going on and also give you ample opportunity to show us, rather than tell us, about the characters.
The other thing that bugged me were conversations that didn't seem to go anywhere. Take the one they have about the love magic book. We learn about some odd, dangerous books in Twi's collection, but at this point, I'm not sure why they're relevant or why Spike is looking for the love magic book in particular. It's the same thing that bugged me about the cider scene in the first chapter. I'm pretty sure the love magic book will be totally relevant later, but in this chapter, it doesn't seem to have a purpose.
Finally, some quotation punctuation:
Commas always go inside the quotation marks.
The 'h' in 'He' does not need to be capitalized.
-Chapter 4-
This chapter feels short.. Yes, I know they are short and that's how you want to write it, but it also feels short, which can be a problem. I feel like I'm just started to get into the scene and then it ends. This makes it feel a bit choppy. Maybe it's just me, though.
It seems like she would have recognized his voice. If he'd only called up once and caught her off-guard, I could see it, but he called twice, and the second time she should have recognized his voice.
-Chapter 5-
I really liked this chapter.
Show vs. Tell. You've already shown me this part, so there's no reason to tell me again.
Didn't Apple Bloom just say that?
There are a couple typos in this paragraph.
Well, that's all I have time for this time 'round. I think the story is moving along nicely, and I'm interested to see where it goes.
~Scribs
I guess we aren't getting to know what exactly happened.