Fluttershy always thought, she would know everything about her friend Rainbow Dash.
She was wrong.
After getting invited for a sleepover, Fluttershy finds out about Rainbow's past. The past, which was too horrible to tell.
(Bad story is bad! xD Not proud of it!)
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When you try to "force a story" to go in an odd direction, the reader will notice. When you force a story, characters don't seem to act like themselves.
I really like the story, but I question how/why the unicorn was there. Also, what was the unicorn's motive barring the random malicious intent of a serial killer?
2277419
How was the story forced?
The feels... they're too much...
HERK...BLAG
2277751 Basically, just like you said. To make the story he wanted, she had to have a sister, and she had to die, so we just end up with AND THEN THERE WAS A UNICORN AND HE WAS BAD AND THEN HE KILLED HER.
It just doesn't fit, or really make any sense.
2277751 To be honest... I don't know. This came out because of pure boredom o_ô When I wrote this and noticed, the killer doesn't have a motive, I thought "...F*ck... Nevermind!"
I'm not really a writer, I'm an artist ^^" And I just wanted to try something xD
I got bored
Was that unicorns name Charles Maneson? eh eh get it? Maneson instead of Manson?....
I hate you guys
2277751 the story was forced in the same way your Rainbow Dash avatar was forced to wear that frilly pink dress
(the story wasn't forced at all, it just had a massive plot hole (the killer had no motive))
I guess I'd have to agree with everyone. No killer motives!
2278854 Let's say.... he was bored. Yes. He was bored. It's normal to kill people when you're bored. Yes. Very normal.
*slowly walking away*
...... O_O
Oh...wait, that filly had a dark rainbow main? Dammit! I was after the the lighter rainbow mane!
Uhh..I mean, heheh, that's to bad, heheh. I'm so sorry for your loss, Rain..bow....Dash. Uhh...Aahhh! Get away *pegasus charging* Shit!
My FEELS!! The only problem is that the killer didn't have a motive...? That part just didn't make sense. But otherwise good story!
2278413 I see how the story was forced now. Thanks!
2278621 My avatar wasn't forced to wear this frilly pink dress. See how she smiles? Look at it! Look at her smile!
2278587 We are all writers in our own ways. I say it is a good writing albeit the missing killer motive. As for that motive, here's an idea as I just don't want to leave empty and unfulfilled comments. Perhaps in RD's argument with her sister, she would continually say hurtful things about the unicorn as RD is known to sometimes be a jerk with pride issues. This could easily escalate the tension of the situation to a point where the unicorn makes RD regret what she says. Either that or her sister doesn't die at that moment but a later time without any reconciliation made between the two sisters. Just throwing it out there.
2279809 that smile is upside down. That means its a frown
It's shines. Great story though!
2297147 Yeah, little typing mistake xD
Thanks c:
I've played around with this thought myself ^^ But i wanted to make it at least 3 chapters long
to get a good built up. But we thought alike at the start^^ except i wanted it to be a sleepover for the whole group as a truth or dare, where Rainbow "of course" would take dare, Twilight is smart and dare her to tell them about her past. She refuses and create a spark. Her friends suddenly realise how little they actully know about her. But it was a great story
I'll probably get to write it mine sometime after i finish Element of Loyalty
OK...I know I am SO incredibly late to comment on this...but I just found this story. And let me say, as you said, English may not be your language, but in my opinion, you did fantastic on this story. (The entire thing was amazing!) The ending was so heartfelt and you added emotion throughout the entire story. Which I love. I adore this story so much. And I can only hope that one day you'll hopefully do more stories like this.
Damn, that is very dark, seeing your own little sister murdered before your eyes must be very terrifying. Even though this was a one shot fic, it was very well done.
My grading scale is down below:
10/10: might make a fanfic reading or an audio drama of this on my YouTube channel
9/10: still might make a reading on my YouTube channel, but probably not an audio drama.
8/10: adding this to my big favorites library
7/10: adding this to my favorites library, not the big faves
6/10: definitely coming back to this in the future.
5/10: might come back.
4/10: might come back once or twice
3/10: definitely not coming back
2/10: giving criticism about the story
1/10: hating the story overall
Here is my final grade for this story: 9/10, though I would normally put it in the big favs if it got 8/10 or higher, but I think i’ll just have it in the normal faves