• Member Since 24th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 9th, 2015

Garbo


A Pasty Plebeian Pencil Pusher

T

How Rainbow Dash and Applejack almost ruin Hearts and Hooves day. Almost.
I wrote this for Valentine's Day, but was never able to finish it. So then I did.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 61 )

That's okay. When next Valentine's Day rolls around we'll be able to appreciate it a whole lot more. (:

I wanted to finish my fic before Season Three started but you can see how that's turned out.

Anyways, Dash and Applejack fics = instant yes from me. I will read it soon.

Ahh, lovely. A bit of a bumpy ride for the two, but they make up (and out) wonderfully. Loved this :pinkiehappy:

2280118
Thanks. :pinkiehappy:. Nice to see that someone as into the ship as you likes the story.

2280070
:pinkiesmile:

Nice :P

2280179
Which reminds me, I forgot to credit the artist whose song I named the chapter after. (Meatloaf)

2280187>>2280195
Thank you both for being kind enough to leave me a comment. It's awesome of both of you.

2280155
It makes sense as per any relationship, really. There'll be fights, and something as public and embarrassing as that would definitely get them thinking. Yet despite the fights and doubts, they stick together. All is good :D

2280228
All will be good if they actually love each other, of course. IN this story, I made it pretty clear that they really do, although both of their personalities keep them from saying it.

2280238
I noticed that! Dash's choice of words of what to say at the end... I expected "I love you". But no!
As is typical of them, they'd rather say it with action than words. Hence the problem with the date - they didn't say it, and when they *did* say something, it blew up in their face...

Yeah, this sounds like them. :rainbowlaugh:

2280249
:rainbowlaugh:
Glad you agree. I really tried to drive that point home, especially at the end. They have some major communication issues they need to resolve.

2280258
Might we see a sequel that covers this? Maybe? Yes?

:rainbowkiss::ajsmug:

2280276
Maybe someday, but not anytime soon. Now if someone else offered to write a sequel, I'd definitely give them the green light. But I personally won't; the people who read my more popular fic would kill me if I delayed any longer on that one.

Nice job! I loved Dash's angel and devil. That was really cute. And I do so love AppleDash arguments, especially when they make sense like this.

Though in a F/F relationship, being quick in bed wouldn't really be a drawback. The cool thing about being a girl is that the game isn't over when the whistle blows. AJ's actually the one causing problems, there.

2280300
*crap, she saw the obvious plot hole in my story*
"Aw buck, what do I do?"
*Just pretend it's wrong or make excuses. Just say something*
...
You do have a point there, sort of. It really depends on how you interpret their argument. They can still keep going even with Dash's problem, but the bigger point of the argument was that Applejack was trying to demonstrate that she was better at something because she was a earth pony, so the focus wasn't on the sex so much as AJ being better at it (because yes, that line did imply that all pegasi tend to have that problem to some extent, which they do in my head canon).
However, I did make an oversight there, and I attribute that to being 15, male, and a virgin, and thus not very knowledgeable in the specifics.

2280332
No big deal! AJ could easily have been grabbing onto anything she could throw at Dash. Just pointing out that the point for that one goes to Dash. :ajsmug:

2280348
Oh, it's not a big deal. I'm just in love with big wall-o-text comments. Especially ones about creationsim/evolution debates. :trollestia:
But yeah, that one does go to Dash, especially since, as the story pointed out, AJ crossed the line first with something that was pretty trivial in a sexual sense.

Garbo:yay: Great job on getting featured bro, honestly not sure how you get featured with only thirty likes other wise almost all mine would have been but hey i'm very happy for you, shall give this a readf later, promise:moustache:

2280451
This got featured and I missed it? Really? I've been watching the box all day since this went on.
Also, at least three people have done shout outs to this story in blogs, which was really cool of them (I think it was The Parasprite, nygiants93, and Tchernobog). That might have something to do with it being featured. It's also only been out for an hour or so, so 30 is pretty good. 4 dislikes is complete bullshit, because my story is better than that, but I'll just have to accept it.

write good appledash? get halfway up on on popular list
write shitty diaper clopfic? get featured for a week

2280519 Agreed and I would do the same not even noticing lol:twilightsmile: It happens bro:facehoof:

2280624
Yep. I'm putting out a huge rant about it at some point.

That argument seemed pretty tame, I didn't even realize they were arguing at first, so much so that I was very surprised when the yelling started and Rainbow Dash ran out. Who's better at poker is hardly something worth breaking up over. I guess I can understand being upset about being told you're bad in bed, but it still felt overblown, like they were both making a big deal over nothing.

And the scenes directly afterward were very strange, both Dash's surreal inner argument and AJ's oddball conversation with Davenport. I'm not sure what to make of them or their purpose. Are they meant to be taken seriously? Or were they there for humor's sake?

I can't complain about the apology scenes and afterwards. A bit of lovely, cutesy AppleDash, and the hiking trip was funny. Great job of twisting expectations on that one.

It was a nice story. it almost sounded like the break up with my ex.. only.. you know, i kicked her the buck outta my house.. bitch. :duck:

Comment posted by Sheendough deleted Mar 18th, 2013

Don't feel bad about those pieces of shit. AppleDash gets a lot of thumbs down always. Just pay them no mind.

Wait, what in the world is all the fuss with this story about? I mean, it's not terrible or anything, but I don't understand why several people are blogging about this, telling me to read it. It's an alright story, but there's far too many plotholes and as well as out-of-character moments - an example of this is at the very beginning where Applejack, in a very non-Applejack-esque way, has invited Rainbow Dash out to a fancy restaurant on Hearts and Hooves day.

Also, meta-comments like this

It was taking Applejack so long to think that the writer was able to get through that whole explanation of irony without her doing anything.

Are generally terrible. It completely breaks suspension of disbelief for the reader, when the author suddenly butts in for no reason. This is just a really bad thing to do in general, with only few exceptions and only if you really know what you're doing; If you must use meta-comments like this, use them all the time. Never just use it once, that seems completely out of place and weird, but if you use it constantly it can serve to improve your story, still providing that you use them carefully and correctly. Really though, don't do it. Very few stories actually gain something from it.


There. I hope some of my critique is usable. I hope I don't cause any offense. I only wish to help. If you like my input or disagree with it or anything, feel free to PM me too. I'll gladly elaborate, explain or apologize in case I'm wrong about something.

*Disclaimer about this comment: I wrote it yesterday late at night, and it's pretty badly worded and stuff, but I couldn't be bothered to completely rewrite it.* :twilightoops:

2282787

like they were both making a big deal over nothing.

don't worry, I'm not here to argue, but to explain. So just think about it a second ... maybe, just possibly ... that was the point I was trying to get across, that those two - with their character traits - would blow most arguments way out of proportion? And that poker bit was just for humor's sake. The internal demons and Davenport scenes were mediums through which I could explain How RD and AJ felt about the relationship. Within those moments I included bits of comedy. It's not surprising that you didn't like the Davenport part; to get that part you'd really have to read the rest of my stories to know that Davenport appears in 9 out of 10 of them and you'd have to know the personality I've created for him.\
And lastly, yes, I did break the 4th wall a few times. Too bad. The show does it all the time.
But thank you so much for actually saying what you didn't like about it unlike a lot of people. Actually showing that you cared about the story. I quite honestly appreciate this type of comment more than an upvote.

2283077
Well that must have been an ugly series of events, I'm sure. You guys make up again like these two sort of did? (and the fact that they only sort of made up is probably one of the things that people didn't like about the story)

2283790
Thank you for the tender loving care. However, that fact is offset by the fact that an equal amount of people are obsessed enough with AppleDash (Bookplayer and Tchernobog, I love you guys), that they're going to end up reading this story, offsetting those thumbs down. I'm not going to disillusion myself in that regard.

2283808
I would love to argue against your point, but I can't, so I won't. As a whole, the thesis is spot-on. This story had a distinct amount of fuss over it, a lot more than I would've wanted. And despite the fact that, yes, there were some things about this story that were quirky the to the level that they were jarring. However, I really don't think those things were what caused people to dislike this story, as true as they are. Because my other stories have many if not all of those characteristics. Many of those have done fine. Hell, I had a story where the Narrator is an actual character who gets dialogue and talks to Pinkie Pie at one point. But you did tell me to tell you if there was something wrong with what you said, so i will:

Applejack, in a very non-Applejack-esque way, has invited Rainbow Dash out to a fancy restaurant on Hearts and Hooves day.

Based on this comment, I'd say you didn't really read the whole story. If you're going to critique the plot of someone's story, you're going to have read the whole thing because certain elements, like this one, get tied up at the end:

[Applejack speaking] “Wanted to go? Consarn it, I hated that place! It was just so uppity and quiet, I couldn’t stand it. The only reason I got us that reservation was because you said you wanted to do something special!”
[Rainbow Speaking] “Well I didn’t mean a fancy restaurant. But when you brought it up, you seemed really excited about the idea.”

I'd read the text around that to find the context, but that really explains the jist. The theme of this fic was a lack of communication, something that would be present if those two formed this type of relationship. Essentially, I was showing that AppleDash, realistically, could work, but would not go very smoothly.

As for your 4th wall comments, I think I actually agree with that. I think I've used the 4th wall well before (as mentioned previously), but this time it was a little unnecessary. I might think of omitting it for that reason, however, the point was comedic.

Also, dear readers, 8 dislikes is a slap to the face for me. I don't even care if this was featured. If you're going to thumb the story down, tell me to my face instead of not leaving a comment like a p*ssy. I'm seriously tired of it.

This alone earns you a downvote.

As for the story, it wasn't too bad, but I didn't particularly enjoy it either.

The story didn't convey their anger properly, the fear of breaking up was badly explained from both sides, and the "Comedy" parts fell flat.

5.5/10

2284034 Eeek, you're right, I did skip a few parts, so I missed that explanation. I'm terribly sorry about that, that's pretty bad form of me to do. :fluttershyouch:
Regardless, the point still stands. Despite there being an explanation later on it still becomes an out of character moment, because the reader doesn't yet know this reason. It breaks immersion and that's the important thing.

2283988 I think his point about the argument is that it really comes very much out of the blue. The buildup is very marginal and because it doesn't give the reader a chance to figure out how their relationship works at all before descending into argument. The few clues you before it seems to give hints to a very sensual and playful relationship (Dash's daydreaming and Applejack's playful banter), but then it becomes a full-blown and very heated argument way too quickly. I have no problem picturing those two in such an argument, but if it's about something as tiny and childish (and unrelated) as who is the better poker player, that just doesn't seem like a relationship with any realistic merit, nor does it seem terribly in character - both can be arrogant and unfair in their own ways, but not even Dash is as childish as to blow up like this, and certainly not Applejack.

2284075
If immersion is a world where all characters actions make sense 100% of the time, then i'm glad I broke that immersion. If breaking immersion is making the reader ask "Why would Applejack do that?", then I've succeeded. After all, what's the point of a story if you don't ask questions? Following reader expectations is safe writing, and safe writing is not good writing. In the end, this story was incredibly odd is just about every way. When you get odd stories, you're going to get some people who reject that uniqueness from objection to the status quo, and you have some people who think that that uniqueness makes the story a good one. Those are just the facts, I'm not going to support either side's argument.

2284066
As badly worded as my statement was (and in retrospect I'm going to change it a little), Nothing else about this comment really makes sense. If just saying that people should tell me what was wrong with a story earns me a downvote, they you're a bigot. Downvotes and Upvotes are based on story quality, and by using it as an attack on me, you're misusing the function of the downvote. There are plenty of people who made comments giving negative feedback who did it in a respectful and intelligent manor (TinyHadronCollider and HoofBitingActionOverload), but you decided not to.
And actually, I did read your review, and it's unspecific and at points incorrect. Of course I didn't explain their anger. As an author, you are never supposed to explain a concept (You have heard the phrase, show not tell, correct?). But more to the point, I don't need to explain anything more than "they want to break up". I explained that perfectly well, so what you are trying to say is not that I explained it badly but that you wanted me to explain something different. That would have been a valid point if you had made it.
As for the comedy, that's up to your discretion. All in all, your comment and lack of respect was hurtful, and undeserved. You show no thought for your actions and no recognition of the positive points of the story as other people did, and thus, the whole of your point is null.

2284474

If just saying that people should tell me what was wrong with a story earns me a downvote, they you're a bigot.

Demanding is not the same as saying, or even respectfully asking, and insulting people at the same time? that tells me that you're an idiot and thus deserve a downvote.

And actually, I did read your review, and it's unspecific and at points incorrect. Of course I didn't explain their anger. As an author, you are never supposed to explain a concept (You have heard the phrase, show not tell, correct?).

If you read and not just skimmed what I said, you'd see that I said 'convey' not 'explain' the story, to me doesn't CONVEY their anger, Dash is having a bit of fun with an angel and a devil and Applejack talks to a guy in the restaurant, gets flirted with and then sets out to find Dash.

But more to the point, I don't need to explain anything more than "they want to break up".I explained that perfectly well, so what you are trying to say is not that I explained it badly but that you wanted me to explain something different.

So what you're saying is that you don't have to explain why your characters do what they do ? that's easy, I wish I could write stories like that.

But no, in all honesty you didn't explain them wanting to break up 'perfectly well' they both feared it for perhaps a split second where the fear isn't even genuine (Dashie's 'devil' was so bad it was laughable)

All in all, your comment and lack of respect was hurtful, and undeserved. You show no thought for your actions and no recognition of the positive points of the story as other people did.

Yes I understand that you need people to mollycoddle you to feel like a person.
Unfortunately I'm not a person that does that. Your story wasn't great, and I pointed out why. If you can't handle that stay off of the Internet.

it's one thing to be pissed that somebody downvoted you
everybody hates getting downvoted, yo
but there's no reason to be immature about it or insult people
they have a right to like/dislike what they want dude
people will respect you more if you're just like "okay" and deal with it

2284417 One of your characters not being, well, in character is absolutely not a desirable thing, ever. You should not strive for that. Breaking immersion in a story is the sure-fire way to make the reader distance himself from the characters, when a character does something that that character absolutely would not do under normal circumstances, the reader's first thought isn't "Why would [character] do that?" it's going to be "This guy can't write [character], I wonder if this story is even worth reading." You do not want this to happen.

Now, there are of course, as with every other rule ever, exceptions to this. If the character is in a particular and special situation that requires it to act different from what it normally would (Hearts and Hooves day) or if some kind of outside force is influencing its motivations (Rainbow Dash wanting to do something special), then you can of course have it react accordingly. The point is, the reader must know, or at least suspect such a thing before you can do it, otherwise it just becomes this weird, awkward moment where a character acts completely unreasonably and inexplicably different from what you would expect from that character. I know I'm just saying the same thing over and over, but it's important: This breaks immersion, very very badly, and a story that can't be believed is a bad story.

And to be clear, I'm mostly speaking hypothetically here. Your story is an offender of this and it absolutely did break my immersion in it, but I won't say it's a bad story. It's just not good either.

2284474
Ah, here's some stuff too. Be wary of this kind of comment. Being angsty, defensive and arrogant won't gain you any love from anywhere. A reader is disappointed in your story, and more importantly in your attitude to your readers, and all you do is complain and harass him for leaving a comment explaining why.

Also, dear readers, 8 dislikes is a slap to the face for me. I don't even care if this was featured. If you're going to thumb the story down, tell me to my face instead of not leaving a comment like a p*ssy. I'm seriously tired of it.

This really is an incredibly hypocritical thing to say when, the instant someone explains why they left you a downvote, you turn on him like this. You don't even try to take him seriously. The critique he left you is perfectly valid. You could absolutely have done a better job at conveying the rage and fear both of RD and AJ. He's not saying you should explain what anger is or somehow explain better the action of them 'breaking up', but that the motivations behind those decisions and feelings should be more clear and more believable. You can't just bat away honest critique like that. All you're accomplishing is to give me the impression that you're an angsty, attention-seeking and arrogant little kid who believes himself above others and finds rejecting their reasonable input to be fair and right. This is a rather undesirable thing as well.

2285186

The critique he left you is perfectly valid

You have a point, and I was being hypocritical there. But what I said is perfectly valid. His second comment in particular went far past reviewing my story and attacked me and my writing abilities in the form of insults. As I recall, the group Train Wreck Explorers was disbanded for similar offenses.

Also, I would like to apologize for my gap in maturity regarding you comments. I think I showed a lot more restraint towards you (because you were respectful of me and thus have nothing to apologize for). However, I did not take you opinion which I realize, in retrospect, is painfully true. I did not want to admit that to myself at that time and now that I've been given a few days to think about it and compare this to my other stories, I realize that this is the biggest pile of shit I've ever contrived.

2284716
I'm sorry, my original comment wasn't very respectful. Yours wasn't either, and I'm not exactly thrilled that your not admitting that. So I'll be the first too. My comment was an overreaction to your overreaction that was based not entirely on what you said buy also at my frustration in the lack of success of this story but all my denial of how badly this story was executed. While I did a very good job of being original, originality does not a good story make. So yes, I'm saying that 90% of what I said was incorrect and/or disrespectful, and I defended my work in an overly aggressive fashion. I hope you can tone down the tone of your comments too, because you're still coming off nearly as disrespectfully as I was. Many of the points you stated were hypocritical, still. You said I wasn't accepting critique, yet you weren't willing to accept my critique of your comment, so I really think that's a moot point that both of us are in the end wrong about.

that tells me that you're an idiot and thus deserve a downvote.

Yes, decry my statement by replying with an identical one. Smart move :trollestia:

you'd see that I said 'convey' not 'explain' the story, to me doesn't CONVEY their anger, Dash is having a bit of fun with an angel and a devil and Applejack talks to a guy in the restaurant, gets flirted with and then sets out to find Dash.

This comment is completely correct. I misinterpreted the meaning of the word convey. Sorry about that. However, the first part of this comment is funny, and highlight my main problem with your review. With a review that short, you can't do anything but skim it. There were only 55 words in it, and half of them were useless and only served to further berate my stupidity. I can achieve the same meaning, in far fewer words:

The story didn't convey their anger properly; the fear of breaking up was badly explained from both sides, and the "Comedy" parts were lacking.

See how much more respectful that is? And All I did was take the middle part of your review and change a few words. If you had only said that, we wouldn't have had this whole shitstorm in the first place.

However, I would like to say this in the hope that you say the same: What I said was wrong and way over the line and I hope we can just move on respectfully. My anger was out of proportion to the situation and I now realize that. I did not take you opinion which I realize, in retrospect, is painfully true. I did not want to admit that to myself at that time and now that I've been given a few days to think about it and compare this to my other stories, I realize that this is the biggest pile of shit I've ever contrived.

Now go away and stop calling me an idiot. There's a difference between being and idiot and being angry, just as there's a difference between critique and insult.

2283994 Nah we never made up. I'm more better off. I actually like the fact that they never "fully recovered" After having something this that happen in your life "MLP or real Life" it leaves permanent scars. And in my opinion those can never be hidden again from one another. Your story was more relateable than other ponies are seeing.

2285450
I'm glad you appreciate it. For all of it's lack of writing quality, I'm adamant that the idea behind the fic was sound and that if I'd taken my time to write this well, perhaps it could've been something good.

Comment posted by Garbo deleted Mar 19th, 2013

:raritydespair: I was sincerely hoping I'd get back to you on this before you posted it... but I didn't... :fluttercry:

*gets to the bit with Shoulder-Daring-Do*
*checks for Comedy tag*

Ah. Good. Carry on.

2288507
S'all good.

2288919
Yes, dem comedies.

I liked the story. the only problem that i found is that Rainbow, and Aj keep mirroring each other. Aj thinks one thing, then Rd thinks the exact same thing. in certain situations mirroring is fine, but you used it every time there was a problem. Other than that, really nice story.

2298363
Hmm ... That makes a lot of sense. You make it seem like they mirror each other for the whole fic, even though they don't, but I did do it too much. One example of a time when they didn't mirror was when they left the restaurant. Rainbow leaves immediately and AJ doesn't. AJ want to talk with Rainbow right when she leaves, Rainbow doesn't. However, I can see you saying this for the last third of the fic.

“Isn’t that a little clichéd?” Dash questioned, coming to a stop.

“It sure is,” said the author. “Just roll with it.”

“Oh, okay, thanks dude,” said Dash casually. Somehow, the fabric of reality didn’t break.

I actually had to stop reading here and come back to the story later. Nothing breaks immersion like having the "Author" directly address the characters. The only two characters that should be going anywhere near that sort of thing, without freaking out about the random voice in their head, are Pinky or Discord. Even then you probably want to use it sparingly.

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